Indulgence

bitterness, acid and vitriol

Grace Murray Hopper
A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.

Maybe if you stayed home more while you were here you'd know what was going on with us. Over breakfast today, you asked me a question you had asked yesterday. If I had asked the question twice, you'd say I wasn't listening. You? You just forgot. You and your unbelievably uninformed comments. How do you know how I've been eating? We've had at the most, 2 meals together since you've been here.

Why did you include me in your reply e-mail to her regarding your defending the Virgin Mary in your theological debates? That has nothing to do with me. I don't need the reassurances of your faith nor do I need to be reassured regarding mine. I have no questions regarding what I believe in and if I do, I deal with them myself. Leave me out of your fanatical clinging to things beyond your ken.

All of a sudden you have control over my time? What are you doing on Monday, you ask me and if I say nothing's been scheduled all of sudden you can lay claim to it. Did it ever occur to you that I may have quit a regular job because there are days when I just want to sit down and write? I don't mean to be ungrateful, thank you for giving me a job and all, but I didn't become freelance to be at your beck and call. There are other things I want to do with my time. I was able to get my jobs for myself as well. I exchanged corporate commitments for random commitments with people I don't even know through you. I've exchanged lack of rest from a regular job to lack of rest from an overload of freelance. This is not what I had in mind.

You keep asking me to write for you and promise me this is it but nothing has formed. They are all still gaseous and without form. You chide me for my disinterest but don't even see that while you only have worked so hard to try to get the projects moving, I've busted my ass answering all the questions you've thrown and solved the problems regarding what needed doing. I've done my part more than 4 times before and only 1 out of 9 projects were realised. How can you chide me without guilt? Don't throw it at me. I've delivered, your hands have come empty all but 1 time.

These are all complaints on different people. A lot of them I love and care and respect much for and I'm much too much a coward on letting them know that this is how I feel. I feel overwhelmed. Once I have enough, I'm going on a vacation from them. I need it. I need to feel the sun on my face and hear the surf breaking by the shore. I need my summer hot and humid. I want to be barely dressed with a cold drink in my hand under the heat of the sun with great music in hearing distance. I need a beach. I need to get away from people who feel they can demand a sort of expectation from me for a while. I left a great place to work only to find myself with similar symptoms. I am not far away enough.

posted by wanggo @ 8:16 AM