Indulgence

indulging

Poe from Walk the Walk (written by Poe and John O' Brien)
I want to walk to the beat of my own drum

I didn't realise how freeing it is to be back as a freelancer. I didn't realise how much I am indulging myself with whatever whims and fancies that I have. I quit because I needed to do new things, I was spent, burnt out from working on the same type of show for 2 years. I needed time to do things that I wanted to do, I needed time to return to the things that were closer to who I feel I am. And now, I do whatever I want. I answer to no one but myself. I go to sleep when I want and I do what I want. I am so free and I never realised that fact so much until today, when I had a day all to myself, zip gig done in the morning during Breakfast. I just slept the whole day and woke up at 5pm. I didn't need to be anywhere so I stayed home and recuperated. Zipping everyday kinda got to me and I was shocked on how tired my body was. I loved every minute of it, don't get me wrong, but I was abusing my body.

It is so nice to be in control of your own life. This is truly indulgence. I accept writing projects or refuse them (though I haven't done that yet!) and I look for things I want to do. I love zipping so I do everything that they ask and ask for what else I can do for them. I just enjoy it so much. I love my life and I can't imagine what got me to chain myself into a desk in advertising for 5 months or a regular job in La Salle for a year and a half? What was I thinking? But I must take note that I do enjoy teaching and I loved every minute of it. It's not a 9-5 thing but it does have fixed schedules, though.

I feel so bohemian, all of a sudden. Yes, there is no financial security that comes with this current state of affairs but I like it. It fits me more. I get the job offer, I do it, it's done and I get paid and that's it. End of story. I am indulging. I didn't realise it. And I am so much happier for it.
On a side note: love has a funny way of coming up and then disappearing and then coming up again at the weirdest places and moments. I find myself getting wrapped up over an idea of a person again and I don't like it. I can feel little pangs of obsession and infatuation making itself known and I don't want it. All of a sudden, this person is back in my life and I don't know how to deal and my natural instinct to try and put order into things, to try and rationalize things is making me crazy. I wish I could be more chaotic and just be more free-flowing. I wish my attitude towards my life and career can be adopted to my relationships with certain people. Certain people only. The person is swimming in my head. I should never have texted. I should never replied to the reply. I started something that is going to bite me in the ass later. I know it.

But that's what we do, right? Everyone wants love. Everybody, including me.

(picture of me, taken by Kage from our weekend at Caliraya, March 25-26, 2006)

posted by wanggo @ 2:41 AM