Indulgence

Hope is a Double-Edged Sword

Jacques Cousteau
Il faut aler voir. (We must go and see)

The picture is of Amanda, Paulino and I at the DJ Tiesto rave early April of this year. Paulino and I are showing off our backstage passes which allowed us to go into the event without need of buying tickets. No messy lines, no waiting, nothing. We just entered the performers entrance at the back and we were going in and out without a problem. We zipped on stage while DJ Tiesto, the man who, for 3 consecutive years, was named the best DJ in the world. I was right beside his deck and mixing table, spinning the ribbons to dizzying effect. When our part was over, I went down and joined my friends at the VIP section at the right (when facing Tiesto) and was able to re-connect with old friends. It was a very important time for me. Bracing for a new chapter in my life, one filled with old characters from older chapters.

Right now, I'm in limbo. I've got over 30,000 bucks in collectibles which I haven't collected yet and people are knocking on my door asking when I'm going to pay for the stuff that I owe. I don't blame them, I feel exactly the same way with the people who owe me money. What about the dream job, you ask? Well, it's a little hazy at the moment and right now, I haven't heard any news. Like I said before, I'd be happy to get it and I'd be happy not to get it. It's either or but at the moment, I don't know if it is either that or this. It's hard to move when you don't know how solid the ground is going to be on the next step. It's the crossroads that's getting me down. I've got 2 roads before me and possibly 3 more, if I look hard enough, but since I'm waiting for a decision regarding my possible employment in this new dream job, I'm kinda stuck.

Morx, Rex, Len and Che were talking about 5-year plans and 10-year plans and the people who really have succeeded in business had one and mission and a vision that they never wavered from. I can see the logic in that. And I guess Morx is right saying that everyone who wishes to succeed must have a 5-year plan but I'm not that kind of person. I can write and write and write but if the opportunity never presents itself to get these things published or produced, there's no point. I could fight tooth and nail to get someone to listen and to get the work out there but I'm very scared I'm tired.

Right now, I'm looking for more backstage passes to get me in without having to go through those God damned lines. I've been on that line since I was 14, when I first started writing professionally. Unfortunately, for people with my kind of life, where everything is subjective and based on the tastes and perceptions of people -- it's really hit or miss. I've been out there, churning out word after word and still I'm in the drawing board. Lots of mistakes. I've made lots of mistakes and I haven't learned yet. Patience is the key and I have none. Never really been the patient one.

I can feel it. All this joy and bliss, all this happiness I've been feeling for the past 3 or so weeks is about to go. I'm about to fall again and I'm quite used to it that I know exactly what I've got to do. This depression that I'm about to get into to, I know how to deal with. I know what I'm going to be like and so I am ready for it. I just hate it that these fucking mood swings are something I can already almost predict. And like a trained veteran, I know exactly what is going to happen, what I can expect, what I'm going to do. This sucks big time.

Everything was going so well. And now everything is falling apart around me. I'm tired. That's what I am. I don't want promises of things getting easier and better. I want things to just be easier and better. It's been an uphill climb for 3 years God damn it! How much farther up is it going to be? I'm just exhausted. I'm living my life on the promises of others. I can't do that anymore. It's the problem with hope -- it keeps us going when we should have learned by now that the mountain won't move, the river's current will not change. Hope is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it keeps us fighting, it helps us to perservere. On the other hand, sometimes it keeps us going when the fight is long over and we've already lost.

There is always something to be said of knowing when to let go and when to keep pushing. That's my problem. I hold on to hope so strongly I sometimes forget when to let go and when to move on.

posted by wanggo @ 9:39 PM