Indulgence

In-Between the Spaces

Rumi
I can feel you in my heart, though you belong to the world.

I could talk about so many other things but right now, I had a wonderful time yesterday talking to people who truly matter to me. I spent a good whole day with good friends Jay and Rex, and then over drinks with Anne and Berna and then from midnight to early morning with Datu, my brother.

It amazes me how connected we are to people. The idea of just spending time with people and talking to them, learning more and more about how they see the world and how I want them to see the way I see the world. This sharing of perspective, of opinions, of views, is what makes relationships so special. At one point, there is a single moment when you understand someone, or at least the attempt to understand someone is a magickal feeling. I think this is what Anne meant, yesterday, when she said she wanted a moment when everyone is on the same page. I like that thought. She even pushed it further by saying that it will probably be only a moment, when all of us are on the same page in our lives but what a truly amazing moment that would be.

I've been away from Jay for 2 years and now Rex is an integral part of the group and I'm getting to know Morx and Jay all over again and am amazed at how they have grown and changed and bloomed. In a way, I'm thankful for the 2 year gap that had transpired because it allows me to treasure them in a new way and it allows for us to grow and accept the changes that have transpired between us. If we had stayed as close as we were, everything would have been the same and I cannot take that.

On the flipside, Berna and Anne, I haven't seen in just a few weeks but there is so much happening in-between the spaces because of the kind of lives we lead. Anne has traveled to Sagada, Thailand and Vietnam and they both began taking diving lessons. Berna's work is emotionally tiring but rewarding. The kind of growth they come into is just inspiring.

On a strange note, the Spaceman has returned in my life. I let the Spaceman back in. More than anything, I can't stand this pervading feeling of longing in my heart and I decided I just wanted the thrill of wanting to be with someone back in my life. 2 years has gone since we last spoke and it's nice to see also how much I've changed since 2004. But deep down inside, I can feel it, I'm beating a dead horse.

Strange how I can imagine Jay or Berna or Anne or Morx's life going on and I'm there in the periphery coming in every once in a while. The connection is that strong. But with someone like the Spaceman, I have no idea what happens in-between the texts and the few and far between meetings. I can't imagine what goes on in the Spaceman's life outside when I'm let in. As much as I want the connection there, it doesn't come. And if I want to be truly honest with myself, it probably never will come.

It's these moments of longing that really get to me these days. Weird when I'm having so much fun connecting with people and so much has happened and there is so much to share with my friends which I'm nurturing a lot of -- friendships. So much to learn and so much to enjoy and here I am trying to find someone to throw it all to. It's a conditioning that I want to get out of.

Now when I'm so happy, I make these stupid little wants and mistake them for needs and it's annoying, is what it is. Because at the throes of the company I'm with, I forget it, you know? It's in the spaces between these moments that it hits me hard. It's now learning how to set up the buffers when I'm alone, I guess, and I'll be okay.

(picture taken in Boracay, 2006 by Jay. That's me spinning fire.)

posted by wanggo @ 2:47 PM