Indulgence

wanting to be held

Sophie B. Hawkins from Help Me Breathe (written by Sophie B. Hawkins)
It only takes a fateful moment
To become the one you thank

I had a dream a couple of nights ago (or was it just last night) and it was definitely about my being single right now. It was quite vivid and quite jarring, especially when I woke up. I don't want this to be a problem. It's so shallow when there's so much else to think about right now, but it's hitting me really hard up the nose that it's like I'm bleeding and it won't stop. Lately, my fantasies have moved away from my career and has been centered squarely on relationships. I'm just so lonely now. And I hate it because there is no reason to be. I'm surrounded by friends who love me and whom I love and family who feel the same way. But there is an absence of something that makes me very anxious. I am filled with so much feelings of... I don't know... disappointment and anxiety and hostility and impatience and... And I don't really want to go on and on and on about it with my friends since they've heard it all before. And in a conversation with The Spaceman over coffee about 2 or 3 weeks ago, we ended up talking what it is we are really after in a relationship. The Spaceman wondered why I needed some level of emotional or intellectual intimacy with someone when, I'm completely and utterly open to my friends and family. I hold no secret of myself -- everything about me is out in the open for everyone to read or to hear.

So is it just sex? the Spaceman asked. Maybe. But sex is just too easy. I could get sex if I wanted. I know where to look. The problem lies deeper than that. Apparently, based on how I am feeling now, there is more than just unloading all your feelings and your mind to someone. I'm chatting right now with my friend, Daniel, from Denmark and he kept asking me what's wrong and I ended up saying, I just want someone to hold or someone to hold me and know that everything is going to be okay. It's really that simple, I guess.

It's getting in the way of everything. I think of all the friends I've got and the family who love me and think of how it would be great if we could all just hang out together and for a while, I'll be okay. But truth is, there are quiet moments when I'm thinking, how great it would be to be in this moment with my friends with a lover right beside me, arm on my shoulder, or leaning into me. Yeah. It comes to my mind sometimes. And I really hate it.

How did I get here? How did I get here when I was on such solid ground? I got to get back to myself. Because I'm losing it. I am so losing it.

(picture taken in January, 2006 by Eyron in Greenbelt. Berna, Fay and I pretending to be in some love triangle)

posted by wanggo @ 8:16 PM