Indulgence

Being Superman

From Grey's Anatomy
The upside to free falling is that it gives your friends a chance to catch you.

I decided to watch a movie today. I mean, I think I'm the only person in Manila who has yet to see Superman Returns and that's kinda sad. I mean, I already missed Mission Impossible 3 and I heard that its loads of fun. I didn't get to see a lot of films and that just ticks me off. So I found myself with time on my hands and decided to watch Superman Returns.

And yes, I will reiterate, I don't mind watching movies alone.

So I sit down and the movie starts and in the first 30 minutes of the film, I'm finding it really slow. Naturally, I cry at the scene Clark Kent/Superman has with his mom. I'm a sucker for good family bonding moments and Eva Saint Marie (I think that's the actress's name who played the mom) was just amazing. I felt her fear and worry and concern and love in such a short scene.

Movie plays out and I'm slowly starting to enjoy it more. I like seeing Superman humanized in such a way that he becomes real to me. He's not some epitome of goodness. He feels regret, he understands that he made a mistake. He does a selfish thing. And I was so unimpressed with Brandon Routh from the interviews, the trailer and the articles about him but I was charmed by his portrayal of the Man of Steel. He was actually good.

It was great to see Superman a little flawed, human and capable of a little selfishness. There was a moment I hated him, empathizing rather strongly with Lois Lane. And then, when tragedy strikes at Metropolis and he goes off to save them, person by person, tragedy after tragedy and the hero shot, Superman carrying a huge construct of a planet just as it is about to land on some unfortunate pedestrians, he floats down to put it safely out of harm's way, I just begin to cry. I sob. A hero, selflessly giving up precious moments of time that he could have for himself, has no time for his own desires. He watches it simply trickle out of his hands like water.

Superman has no time for his own desires. He lives for us. And I was angry for that one little selfish act that he did, when his whole personal life slips from his hands, I blame him for that one moment of desire. Oh yeah... Boy was I feeling small at that moment.

I get home after the movie and as I sit on my bed to take off my shoes, I begin to cry. I just start sobbing. I just can't stop the tears from falling; not that I want to anyway. A good cry is good for you, I think, every once in a while. Submit to the feelings, accept the pain and ride it, so that it can't consume you later on or hit you when you're not expecting it.

I guess I was crying because deep down inside, I want a hero. It could be anyone really, to just come here and fix all my problems away. I made a mistake. I made a couple of really stupid mistakes and I find myself starting from scratch, paying off debts, trying to work things out and trying to pick myself up from where I dropped myself. It's not easy. It's really hard. And I just wished someone would just come in and take over, you know? Someone would come and just say, Everything is going to be okay.

I guess, I thought, it was okay to make grave mistakes at 21, 22, until you're 25. I mean, I got it all figured out at 25: I got 2 jobs that didn't conflict, gave me tons of money and I was just working 3 to 4 times a week. I was having loads of fun while honing my craft and making a name for myself. And then everything disappeared and I just couldn't get back up on my feet again. It took me 2 years and a lot of adjustments and then when I thought I got it all figured out, I leapt and fell flat on my face, down a crevice I didn't know was there.

I'm tired. 2 years of trying to get things right. Trying to get back to that pinnacle that I was in. I got myself there and I can't seem to get back. The road is different now. I've lost the way.

I made my own mess and I have to clean it up. I don't know if I have the strength to do it alone. But I have to because I'm not the kind of person who can ask someone to give up anything for me. I could never. I never made any demands from anyone.

But my friends have all been terrific. Jay and the gang, the Planetzips crew, Berna and Michap and Lance and DC and the rest have all been so supportive. My family still cheer me on and hope for the best. They might not take away my problems or solve it for me but they are there, every step of the way. So maybe they aren't made of steel and they can't move faster than a speeding bullet. So they won't give up their lives for me (and I wouldn't want them to) but they are there and that's all I can really ask for, anyway.

So I gotta be my own Superman and I don't know how to be that strong. But I got to try. After all, one must jump again and again if one is to fly. And if I fall, my Superfriends are going to be there to help dust me off, fix any of my many broken bones and watch me jump again.

posted by wanggo @ 2:01 AM