Indulgence

A New Burning

Wong Kar Wai
You can never compete with the past, with memory. We love what we can't have and we can't have what we love.

It's a slow start but things are getting better. Work is coming in and they're prepared to pay, unlike my former employer of 3 weeks, who finds every excuse to delay my payments making things difficult for me to pay my bills. I'm getting really angry at them and ready to start some smear campaign -- but that's bad, I know and there are better ways of channeling my anger. I just can't believe how some people can try their best to get away with not paying. The whole concept is foreign to me. I mean, everyday, we go through life paying for things immediately as we purchase them. And in this industry, they get to have work done without downpayment or not even paying anything and then take whatever time they want to pay. Can you imagine going to a restaurant, ordering food and eating and then paying 2 months later? I can't.

Well, this is starting to sound like my older posts, the ones I hated writing so often, so I'm moving on.

I've really changed, though. The fire that was burning brightly within me before, years before, was a bright red, maybe even bright orange. Now, I feel, the fire that burns inside me is of a different colour. I feel that the fire burning inside me is coloured blue. It's not as bright but it burns just as hot. I feel a lot less haste or rush now. I've lost some of my spark and edge; the sharpness is gone. What replaced it was something very cold, very calculating, a little detached but more observant, more cautious. I'm scared because I don't know yet the intensity of this new burning. I'm no longer bustling energy, no more brightly burning. It's heat, concentrated, much like a laser.

When I work now, it's less hyper-active energy, less zeal. There's more thinking through things. It's kinda weird since this is the way I work. It's changed and I don't know how to deal with it. It's like having to learn how to walk again because you've got a different set of legs. My center of gravity is gone. Gotta learn to live with this now.

posted by wanggo @ 3:16 AM