Indulgence

happy but never content

from The Rule of Fours
Hope is the best and last of all things. Without it, there is only time.

I've decided to put my career first. There are so many things that I want in life, for myself, that I really have to do well in my career if I want the big things I have planned come to fruition. There are so many personal accomplishments that I want to achieve before I can ever really be satisfied.

Like I told my best friend, Jaypee, I'm going to be the kind of person who will be happy but never content. There are people who are content but never truly happy. That won't be me. I will be able to revel in every little accomplishment; cherish every achievement and then I'd let the moment go to strive for a higher goal. I'd always be taking things to the next level. That is not necessarily a bad thing. It's tiring, I'm sure. But it's not bad, no, not at all.

Just today, two people I haven't heard from in a while asked me how's your lovelife? The question really bothered me. It had an implication that if I answered that question, then the totality of my being would have been answered. It's like Hey, how are you? Oh! That's nice. So how's your love life? I would like to think that there is more to life than that.

I know enough to believe in the power of love and to treasure it and enjoy it. But it isn't all that important for me. Or I'm at this point of denial that says forget it, it won't happen now, so don't lose sleep over it. People have said that you shouldn't go out and look for it and that it will just land on your lap. If that's true, then let it be so, right?

When I had said this, my friend said, yeah, just wait, it's better that way. In my attempt to be cool and totally unaffected by the whole thing, I replied, I won't wait. Waiting is for losers. Let it just happen, like a big surprise. That way it's more pleasant. After all, don't we appreciate the things that come unexpectedly?

At least my career is something I have control over. I have no control in the affairs of the heart. I can barely direct my own actions when I'm in the throes of attraction, you expect me to be able to control somebody else's at the same time? Now that's a laugh! I'd rather try to train wild tigers or scorpions. Like I tell people all the time, you can never figure people out, you can never read their thoughts or what it is they are thinking; what more when feelings are involved? When you are expecting something from someone else, forget any chance of having an idea of what's going on in his or her head. Your assumptions will just be marred by your own paranoia or hopes. Just go with the flow. Accept and deal with things at face value.

So in that regard, I'm putting my career first and doing all I can to succeed; to achieve that which I can. If love finds a way to sneak in from behind and embrace me, then so be it. I'm not closing my doors. My heart is open and my mind is free. Let it come at its own volition. All I know is that there are things that I can guide, things I can control and things that are beyond my understanding. If that is so, then I will treat each one accordingly; and to hell with what people expect from me.

posted by wanggo @ 11:04 PM