Indulgence

this morning

from The Rule of Four (written by Ian Galdwell and Dustin Thomason)
Perfection is the natural consequence of eternity: wait long enough and anything will realize its potential. Coal becomes diamonds, sand becomes pearls, apes become men. It’s simple not given to us, in one lifetime, to see those consummations, and so every failure becomes a reminder of death.

I put my glass of Thailand Ice Tea on a plate with my picture in it; one of those Hong Kong pictures that they mount on a plate. I am thirteen in that picture. I lost the stand a long time ago, so it lies on my book case, picture facing the ceiling. The glass covers my face, neck and shoulders completely.

I watch another sunrise but this time as someone who has just awakened; rather than someone who is just about to sleep.

I look out the windows facing the north; a black Starex pulls out from its parking slot in a modest looking compound. Someone's day has just begun.

I look out the windows facing East; a woman in a red shirt is walking. I don't know if she's going somewhere or coming home. I empathize with her.

A woman with red hair is singing in my room. She tells a boy that she won't hold on to the tail of his kite, she only sleeps with butterflies. He's a lucky guy, that boy she is singing to.

I watch the grey clouds float above Ortigas. They move quickly, pushed by the wind. They were fluffly and looked heavy with gloom. I can imagine beautiful tango dancers dancing upon them. I couldn't hear the music in my head, though.

Four birds invade my view, fly from left to right, circle in the air and fly back into view, right to left. Their wings simulating life -- rapidly beating up and down. The symbolism is not lost on me.

I take a puff from my cigarette. I don't notice until afterwards that it is my fourth straight stick. Something tells me that people are talking about me in whispers when I'm not around. I feel like I'm disappointing someone; not reaching someone's expectations. I take another puff from my cigarette. I exhale slowly.

I saw someone last night who looked exactly like my former best friend; only better looking, more dignified, kinder. It took me half a bottle of beer to explore all possibilities in my head. I resume my conversation with my friend.

I almost walked in the rain home last night. I didn't get far. My friend picked me up and brought me home. I watched the raindrops meet the windshield. I thought to myself, that could've been me.

I told my friend last night that my day-to-day is filled with a lot of anxiety, tension, pressure, stress and pain but in the totality, I'm happy of where I am. I'm where I want to be. He told me that his day-to-day is happy, always ending it with alcohol, simple pleasures but I suspect that the totality of his life is wanting something more. I wonder who is better off?

My best friend Jaypee wrote a blog about all his answers to the question why did the chicken cross the road depending on his mood and state of mind. I only have one answer to that question: because the chicken can do whatever it is he wants. I can only wish we were that free.

It's another day.

posted by wanggo @ 9:02 AM