Indulgence

rains have come

T.S. Eliot
I had seen birth and death
But had thought they were different

Sometimes it is okay to go back to old things and to never let go. Sometimes, it is good to hold on to what was good. Just don't forget to constantly be going forward. Maybe there is a way to move on without leaving peices of ourselves behind, but bringing the past onwards with us. We constantly rebuild and what is there. We don't let it go. The weight would be heavy but if we reach our destination carrying everything good with us; then what a joyous arrival that would be.

The rains have come in full force and thinking of having to go through this city walking and taking jeeps and the metro train just seems so bothersome. I'm getting really, really sick of this; getting sick of being at the mercy of the elements. I don't want to go anywhere nearing regret -- but reading my journals again constantly reminds me of the things that I could have achieved already had I not denied the things that I really want in efforts to retain any semblance of individuality; of not being constantly compared to my father or having to accept the legacy of his genius by being in the industry where he truly shone. Had I just allowed myself to be myself, I could've been where I am now 3 years ago. After 3 years, can you imagine how much further along I'd be?

Of course, I won't take away the fact that everything I went through led me here and this is a good place to be. The wisdom I carry with me from my experiences is something I treasure but what about the experiences of that mirror? The world that could've been?

But I always say, never ask questions that cannot be answered. It will only serve to distract you from moving forward. So onward I go.

I just wished that I could go onward on a car. Just to get to where I want to go on the transient, surface level. The reality of actually moving forward, physically rather than the experiential moving forward that I keep talking about. Everything is just so expensive and taxis are becoming a bother, especially when they don't want to take you in as a passenger because they want to go somewhere nearer to crowded areas. What a piss off situation!

But I shouldn't start off my week in such a lousy mood. After all, after a horrendous 2 weeks, I've settled everything and I have another chance to try and redeem myself. The rains have come and they always have during this time of year and after 26 years, I shouldn't be so surprised. I've had my time for release and it may not have been the best choices for it, but I've done it and I should be happy with the choice.

Maybe I'll buy a motorcycle?

posted by wanggo @ 11:01 AM