Indulgence

the juggling blues

Wei Wu Wei
There is no mystery whatsoever -- only inability to perceive the obvious.

I'm going around in circles. Juggling time is almost over and then a call. Something else I can do on the side. Juggling again. As one ball is almost done and I'm about to put it down, another is threatening to take its place. I smile and say, "Bring it on."

I texted my Dad telling him that Emmy Lou Harris and Mark Knopfler has an album that they did together. It just came out in the US and when it arrives here, I'm going to get it for him. He texts me to get him that CD and a book Black Swan Green and I agree. He then calls me up and says, "Wanggo, please stop burning both ends of the candle. We're all worried for you here." This takes me by surprise. "It's out of my control, Dad but after Monday, everything will be all right." There is an awkward silence of about 3 seconds. "Okay," was all he could really say. We exchange salutations, "I miss you, I love you," and then he puts down the phone. He probably doesn't believe me. Someone has been telling him about my not coming home and working hours on end. It's probably Datu. It's sweet, really but quite annoying. Dad tells me that this is the year to get rich. Datu asks me every once in a while if I have the rent money already. Well, it's his right, really. He should because if I don't pay my end, he'll have to cover for it first. But I don't have the money. That's why I'm working so hard. I want to be able to have the money when I should be paying the rent and I don't ever want to not have the money again.
I don't know if I'll ever get to see the beach again until later in the year. Already I miss the rhythmic sounds of the waves crashing into the shore, the sand on my feet, the salty breeze and the warm sun on my back. I've been to so many beaches in a span of a month and yet I feel already as if it is not enough.

People get through life with just one job and move on along through many years that way. They only go to the beach once a year. They don't go traveling as often. They are sedentary and are pretty content about it. They don't worry about money. They wish they had more but are not needing it. I'm not built that way. What a scary thought? To not be able to be grounded in any way. Sure, I'd get to see the world and go to the beach more often than most people, but in the end, my cycle of life will be one of worry, of constantly looking for that thing that I cannot keep or hold. I will try now and see how far I go. I like what I'm doing but deep down inside I don't know for how long I will be satisfied. I'll be juggling for a long time, it seems.

(picture taken during Holy Week in Cagbalete, 2006 by Chinkee)

posted by wanggo @ 2:23 AM