Indulgence

troubled sleep and a clear morning

The Cardigans from 03.45: No Sleep (written by Peter Svensson and Nina Persson)
The comfort of fireflies
Long gone before daylight

And if I had one wish fulfilled tonight
I'd ask for the sun to never rise
If God lent His voice to me to speak
I'd say "Go to bed world"

I was suppose to have an 11am meeting today but it was moved to 1pm. But I didn't know that until 20 minutes ago. So I knew I had to wake up by 8:30am if I were to make it to the meeting at Manila so I tried to sleep early. I finished all I had to do last night at around 12am and was in the darkness until 3am and I still couldn't sleep. Had too much to think of. Anxiety attacks keeping me from falling asleep. I was thinking of my sad, sorry state regarding the absence of a lover and the fact that my work life is sketchy; my finances are at an all-time low and there's so much I want to do. I just couldn't sleep. I was going mad, surrounded by the darkness with the light from the city creeping in from my open window. I just couldn't relax, couldn't keep still.

I was lucky to find half a mogadon in my room. It might've been my Dad's which he uses to get some sleep or it might have been mine from another time. Whatever the case, I quickly took the damned thing and drank some water and tried to sleep.

I could feel my body relaxing, my mind unraveling until it was nothing but abstract thoughts not making any real sense. I got a text from someone I didn't know. It said still up? I asked who it was, having lost my phone, I lost all my numbers. There was no reply. I asked again and tried to leave it but it was bugging me. I was waking up with the wonder of who it could be. So I called the number to ask and while the person on the other line answered the call, the person said nothing and I was left asking silence who's this? Hello? Who's this please? Then I dropped the call. The person then texted make out? That took me by surprise. Who's this? I texted back and then the person sent his name. I said I didn't know anybody by that name, and requested for some sort of idea -- where did we meet? Have we met? Who gave my number? No reply. So I texted Forget it. I'm not replying to your texts anymore. Then I put my phone away and went to sleep. And I was able to.

I went to sleep and woke up at 9am. I had breakfast then discovered my meeting was moved to 1pm. Now I have all this time available to me. Gonna' write a bit and get myself psyched up for work -- I took in another project while the waiting game continues. Got a zip gig too later in the day.

Then during breakfast, I get a text saying the dream job is ready. If I could start today, it would be great. So I said I took a job, I didn't think I got the job, could I just finish the work? I can start on Friday. They said they were sorry for the late reply but could I start anytime earlier? I said I'll work something out.

And so now, I know what is happening. I have a clear definition of what the horizon looks like. I start tomorrow without the haze; without the unknown. I start today.

posted by wanggo @ 9:29 AM