Indulgence

living by the word

Carl Sandburg from Windsong
I love you, said the great mother.
I love you for what you are
Knowing so much what you are.

I've been thinking a lot about writing again. Not just the work writing that I do. I mean serious writing. Back to what I had first imagined for myself back when I was still in College, back in High School even.

Back then, I had dreams of becoming a novelist. One of those career writers who live by writing books and nothing more. Maybe occasionally teaching in-between fervent writing fevers. I thought I'd be spending a lot of my time living, walking around and hanging with friends until I find an interesting story and then BAM! I'd disappear for weeks just furiously typing away in my computer.

Later on, my love for film had taken over and I was going to be making movies and it became the sole purpose of my writing. I've been trying to break in since 2003. Script after script met roadblock after roadblock. I was running out of steam, ready to give up.

But I didn't. I kept pushing and fighting. I lost my way a bit but found myself back. And now, I'm here, trying it out and working hard in making it work. This is all I really want to do. Live life, collect and gather experience, hear everybody's story and then write.

And now, reading all these non-fiction books, I think I've found the genre that really suits me. Rather than have to throw away my own personal opinions and judgements, I use it as my own voice. I'm such an opinionanted son-of-a-bitch; I can't help but have an opinion. Why not let it be my voice?
And why can't I write books and stories and write film as well? Why can't I have it all?

I'm in a good place right now. I'm ready. I'm in fighting form. I want it all.

Picture of me reading in the beach at Calicoan, Samar taken by Paulino, June `06.

posted by wanggo @ 5:33 PM 1 comments

Bacchanalia

Sam Sneed
I have never dreamt of becoming a millionaire; only to live like one.

Wine has always been considered as part of the finer things in life. Anyone can drink wine, that's for sure. There are bottles that go for 200 pesos, after all. As long as you drink enough, it'll still do the trick. But it takes real sophistication to enjoy wine. Watching Sideways and listening to real wine experts talk about wine as being "dry" or "strong" or "biting." Do you taste the oak? This one is very fruity. It's something I'm picking up and learning slowly. There's a chi-chi quality to drinking wine and even on a cheap house wine, there's a feeling of class, of being able to enjoy the finer things in life. After all, unlike other hard drinks, wine doesn't immediately bring you there. Even the hit, the drunkness of it is different.

I was assigned by Metro to cover a gala dinner that was hosted by Wine Depot. It was a charity auction where the best premium wines from all over the world were being auctioned off and the proceeds would go to charity. Now, we all know I'm totally not a formal person and I couldn't find my tie, which I have not worn in 2 or 3 years. My leather shoes were worn beyond repair and I had to borrow my brother's pair. My coat hasn't been used in 2 or 3 years. Thank God I bought it in Italy in 1998 and, in my opinion anyway, was still in good condition and style.

I arrived at 6:30pm, the third person to arrive and immediately they started serving us wine. We began with a Banfi Rosa Regale from Piedmont Italy and while many people found it very fruity and sweet, I liked it because it was suave in taste and texture. Later on, John Silva disagreed with me saying that he'd rather drink champagne if it was to be this sweet. I agree but I did prefer the Banfi Rosa Regale than a biting wine.

People were coming in slowly and so we had to stay outside for a good number of time and the ladies pouring the wine were rather charming and I found myself having drank 4 glasses already and was getting considerably drunk. Then they ushered in for dinner.

What followed was a Nobilo Icon Sauvignon Blanc 2004 from Marlborough, New Zealand which I thought had a lot of character and was quite biting. I thought it was too strong as it was but what followed, the Simi Russian River Chardonnay 2003 from Russian River Valley in California was even stronger.

I shared a table with the other press people, joined by John Silva and Bambi Harper who are good friends of my Father and Mother and gave me some valuable insights on the wine. Also there were a couple from The Philippine Star who also shared some of their knowledge of wines. And Tim Yap joined us also and shared his thoughts on the wine. We accentuated our dinner, which was excellent, with talk on the tragedy of the Guimarras oil spill, the anti-gay column that was written by Isagani Cruz and the visit of the son of Princess Caroline.

Following were the Banfi Brunello di Montalcino 2000 from Montalcino, Italy which I found rather dry but easier to drink than the two previous bottles. The Arzuaga Crianza 2006 from Ribera Del Duero Spain followed and that was forceful and assertive. And yes, I could taste the oak. The Veramonte Primus Carmenere Merlot Cabnernet Sauvignon 2003 from Casablanca Valley in Chile was the next and by this time, I couldn't tell the difference. The dinner was excellent but was rather rich in flavour as well. And no amount of water or walking towards the smoking section could not free me from my inebriation. I was in it. I was in it deep.

The auction was intermittent, selling off 2 bottles per dish (it was an 8-course meal) and while some of these wines began their bid at 8,000 pesos, they would eventually sell for double that amount. The highest bid began at 30,000 pesos and was sold at 64,000 pesos. For charity, one particular wine whose bid began at 21,000 and was sold at 44,000 would be matched by one individual -- he was going to match the price and give that to charity and in one bottle, The Springboard foundation was to receive 88,000 pesos.

By this time, I was drunk, talking fast and a little louder than usual. I had eased up in my discomfort and was conversing easy. I was amazed at the amount of wine and the money being thrown around for charity and a bottle of fine spirits. The last two bottles in our menu very much helped me ease into the mood -- the Torbreck Steading Grenache Mataro Shiraz 2003 from Barossa Valley, South Australia and the Grant Burge Filsell Shiraz 2003 also from Barossa Valley were good but by this time, my taste buds had failed me. I would not have been able to qualify its taste. All I know is that it was good.

It was the finer life that I had been a part of last night. I was so very conscious to fit the part, you know? No elbows on the table, no scratching of the plate with my utensils, things like that. I was so trying hard to make sure that I was in the best of behaviour. It had turned around for me, especially since quite a lot of people decided to speak to me about my parents, and so there was very little dead air. It was no longer uncomfortable and awkward. I was no longer just press, a mere observer, but somehow, even though I did not participate in the auction, was part of the revelry.

I remember studying the Bacchanalia in ancient Greece, where people drunk in wine, enter wild orgies, loud music and the overflowing of wine would turn the steps into a cascade of spirits. It was a grand debauchery, it was extravagant and wasteful. I wouldn't say that that spirit was alive that night, though a lot of wine wasn't finished and if you open a bottle of wine, you better finish it before the taste is lost. But if you think of the half a million pesos that was raised for The Springboard Foundation, to help under-privileged children in the country, you think the wine was really what helped coax out the money.

Yes it was grand and extravagant but in the end, it was helpful, in a larger scheme of things. And I was a part of that last night. Once in a while, it's nice to get out of your comfort zones, wear clothes you don't usually like wearing and playing a part that you are never comfortable with and just submit. You always end up learning something new, anyway.

posted by wanggo @ 2:43 PM 0 comments

Once Again, A Contender

from my Dad
Time is what keep everything from happening all at once.

I've been very busy lately with work and all and today, I just got another invite to write for another show but there might be difficulties with regards to the show I am currently writing for airs in the rival network; I might not get this one. Shucks!

Lately, I've also been spending time with Berna as she prepared to leave for Cebu. And then with the Planetzips crew because I haven't been hanging with them and that's important to me. They are important to me. And I'm kinda happy that I was able to go to NMI today after my trip to ABS to get my next set of articles to write from Publishing.

I also got to hang out with Ann again and it has been a long time and once again, we had one of those fantastic conversations where we tried to dissect life and living and why things are the way they are. In doing so, we dissected ourselves and laid us bare to each other. Soul-stripping with Ann in Greenbelt. I miss that. Her mind is so sexy, you know? It really is very stimulating and she knows how to temper it with humour so it is always a joy to speak with her.

I like this, you know? The work is coming back and I feel that I'm coming back to form and I'm getting energized again. A second wind, so to speak. After everything that happened mid-year, it's good to be back in the game again as a contender.

Soon, it will be back to working like a workaholic, regularly hanging out with my friends like Cholo, Lance, Michap, the Planetzips people and Jay and the gang. Smiling comes easier again and I'm reading voraciously once again.

I'm reading Nick Joaquin's Culture and History and I'm totally fascinated with it. I hated his Woman with Two Navels but love his short stories. Very powerful stuff, his short stories, especially Summer Solstice but now, I'm reading his thoughts on Philippine culture and its history and I'm just riveted. I'm glad to be reading again and I'm getting more and more excited about writing non-fiction now.

I want to be able to tackle something that has truly happened and turn it into something beautiful and artistic. Let it not be said that it was just an experience but it was a story, that served to entertain and inform. Let it be said, that one day, I will be remembered for it.

posted by wanggo @ 7:40 PM 0 comments

Reality

George Harrison
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

I'm chatting with Lance and we're talking about everything, again, as usual, and then we manage to start talking about how, as Lance puts it, reality sucks the life out of us.

I manage to say, you know, reality really has a bad rep. Reality is fine as it is. It's our dreams and ideals that make it look bad. How can reality compare with what our imaginations say things should be?

And it is true. We really just have to ride it out, you know? Live it, adjust to it and learn to move through the ebb and tide of its movements. Roll with the punches. Learn the footwork. Box like your opponent is going to kill you. Kill `em first.

This world is tough, tough for everyone. Deep down inside, I really, truly feel that God doesn't put us through what we cannot handle. So everyone who's going through so much means they're just tougher people than most. At the same time, though, I also believe that we get what is coming to us. Some people, despite all the rational thinking and the obvious clues and signs, still manage to fuck up their lives because they chose to do something stupid. I mean, hello? if you don't work, you won't get money, you starve! You going to do criminal things, if you get caught, you go to jail. Suffer the consequences of your actions. Work hard and earn the life you want to live. Some people go through tough shit and they get through it. No one has an excuse to slack off, to sit down and blame the world.

Look at Hellen Keller. She was born deaf, dumb and blind. She fought against it and was able to succeed. What right does anyone of us have to sit down and cry and demand for a better world? Make it so.

Yeah, life sucks at the moment. There's definitely something rotten in Denmark. So what are you going to do about it?

posted by wanggo @ 9:10 AM 1 comments

what I learned last Friday night

Bill Gates
I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything he ever dreamed of so he can see that it's not the answer.

Berna is leaving for Cebu for work and she might not be coming back soon. It's a permanent job, after all. Well, permanent as long as she likes what she is doing and she grows as a person. I told her to go and do it. It will offer her new opportunities, and honestly, she needs a change of pace too. She has nothing to lose and so much to gain. It will help her grow and I might be losing one of my closest friends to the distance between the cities in which we will inhabit; but I've never been one to stop someone from growing, much less myself and this will be good for her so with all the love in my heart, I told her to go.

We celebrated her despedida (going away party) last Friday. Her old friends from college and high school, mixed in with people she's met along the way. I got to see people I haven't seen in a long time. My friends from 2004 -- Ann, Jaypee, Maik, Charles and Japs; friends from NMI (who I saw 2 weeks ago except Ivan who was in Boracay at that time) and so on. I got a little nostalgic but it didn't last very long. I'm not a sentimental person by far. I was just extremely happy to see them. If anything, I was able to tell myself that I'm still changing, growing, learning and developing. It would be such a scary thing to have the same thing going on in my life everyday.

What's important is my love for them has not left me, as I had left their constant company. With the gang, we were inseparable, until our work took us away from each other and left us with just weekends, and sometimes, not even that. Then I was in NMI and it was the same deal. Together, stuck like glue and happy about it until I needed to get out. I got out and sort of lost contact with them, other than the occasional yahoo messenger chats and texts.

But my love for them hasn't faded. I'm so happy to get a chance to be with them and I really, really have to learn how to divide my time properly. I'm always throwing myself at whatever I'm working on, I'm such a horrible little workaholic, a self-obsessed workaholic for that matter, that it is hard for me to give myself to others; no matter how much I want to. But you have to. I remember a quote from Alanis Morissette in an interview regarding her being a negative songwriter, always writing about anger and hate. She said:

The biggest blessing came when I realized that the more I love the so-called
dark parts of me, the happier I become. The more I am okay with being
angry, confused, vengeful, attached -- all those bad, insecure, self-hating
aspects -- the better I feel. Some people think, if I push negative
thoughts away, I'll be happy. But I don't know anyone who's happy when
they're pushing away parts of themselves. (Insider, July 2004)

And I find that very true. And they are all an essential part of me. Their opinions and thoughts and stories have come through me and affected me and I should respect that.

We work to live, afterall and not live to work. Once again, I am reminded that my work cannot define me. It's okay that it does, I like what I do. But there are other parts of my life that I leave behind because I put all my energy to my work. And that can't be good for me.

posted by wanggo @ 2:15 PM 2 comments

Ecology

Tanita Tikaram from I Might Be Crying (words and music by Tanita Tikaram)
Yeah, I might be needing you
The need it doesn't end

I've got so much work and I'm very thankful for it. Thankful because once again, I feel useful to the world; that I'm doing my part and that I'm part of the bigger picture. I'm a cog in the machine, I'm part of the system. It's ecology -- how one thing is inter-related to something else. I'm a writer. I cannot be just an observer. I have to be a part of what is happening so that I can then, later on, step away and then write about it. An observer may be able to see everything, from so many different sides, but he would be hard-pressed to explain the heart of it all. That's the one thing I don't want to have a difficulty with; the ability to express the heart of it all.

It's the connection that I'm after, you know? It's why I want to be a writer.

I've begun to enjoy my solitude and I've learned that there are times when I have to be by myself -- walk around the mall alone, eat dinner out alone, watch a movie alone. Give myself time to just get to know myself again, find out what I need and to coalesce, to get back together and just put myself back at peace.

But the rest of the time, I have to be out there and interacting with people. I always have to have my finger at the pulse of how a person is thinking or feeling. I have to be constantly receiving this kind of information, trying to figure out how it all fits in in the larger scheme of things and then figuring out if it fits in at all? I am constantly trying to define this life, this world, this reality based on my own experiences and from other people. And then, I try to bring it out and tell the world what I've discovered.

That's what I like to do. That's why I write. That's why I like to talk and share about myself, so that others will share themselves with me. That's why I love movies and music and books. That's why I find myself texting people out of the blue and asking them how they are and then calling them up and just talking, for the sake of. It's connection. It's ecology.

posted by wanggo @ 4:50 PM 0 comments

quite happy about that

Goldfrapp from Ride a White Horse (written by Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory)
Lend me a whole new world
All night
Feel life

So today my Dad arrives and I'm moving about the city doing some errands. Everything goes like clockwork considering that I woke up 2 hours late. It was all personal stuff anyway, nothing that was actually business or professional. So I'm moving about and doing my business and I'm getting a flood of ideas for films that would never be made -- only if I had shitloads of money and could afford to make films without thinking about the profit afterwards, you know? These films that would be great to make if I were in America or in some other country because there would be an audience for it. If it were really any good, it would be watched; not like here in the Philippines. It's gotta have a formula if it is to be succesful. Sad fact of life, but I have to accept it, right?

And still, everything goes clockwork. It's nice to know that I can go to NBI to get the clearance for Monica that she needs to become an Australian citizen and it took me about an hour and a half to do it and it wasn't idle waiting, which I thought it would be. I was really going all over and getting things signed and done. It was all good. At least I felt that things were moving and I wasn't waiting in line, not doing anything. During the walking around from 6th floor to 3rd floor to 4th and then 5th, I kept myself company with my thoughts and all those crazy ideas for movies kept me very much occupied. Everything went really smoothly.

Checked out some nice walking shoes in Glorietta before I discovered that I can't withdraw from a Makati branch if I opened my account in a Greenhills branch. Not until I get my ATM card which I'll be getting next week. I applied for a savings account with Banco de Oro and I swear, I'm really very, very happy with them. I feel they are taking care of me and the service is great and I just love it.

So I go to Greenhills and withdraw money there to pay for my rent and so that I have money to buy my walking shoes tomorrow which I really, really need. So I was able to accomplish much and that felt really good.

I also got a text from my dad. It was very simple and yet it was so heavy with meaning. He texted: I have good news.

No smiley face. Nothing else but that. I was ecstatic and thrilled to get that text except I told him that I only like suspense in movies and books. I can't stand it in real life. But I waited; he said that he had to tell it to me to my face. So I waited.

I got home, watched Milan for research (I hated it! There were good parts in it but it was mostly trash) and then Dad arrived home. We had dinner first with the whole family then Datu showed him his new car and I watched the first part of Rockstar Supernova. Afterwards, Dad was ready so we both went to our room, away from all the noise and distractions and he told me the good news.

And that's all I'm going to say about it.

Afterwards, we talk like we usually do and we easily shift from colleagues and co-workers to Father and Son and then to friends and then men with similar minds. It was amazing and it just keeps impressing on me how important my father is in my life.

When all was said and done, he goes to sleep and I watch Rockstar Supernova which drives me insane. It is Storm's first bad performance. I love Storm and she has become one of my favourite singers and her version of The Cars' Just What I Needed and David Bowie's Changes are my favourite songs as of the moment. I hate having to see her do a bad performance. And now Ryan is stepping up to be a real contender. He's very good. Toby is still good but I can no longer see him as the lead singer for Supernova. Lukas is beginning to bore me. He still is an amazing arranger but his performances have become redundant. He doesn't excite me anymore. Between Zayra and Patrice, I wish Zayra would stay one more week since Patrice has fallen so far out of grace for me -- though her version of My Iron Lung is still superb and absolutely fantastic. Zayra will have a fantastic solo career, even if I'm not that impressed with her original song. But I know for a fact that she is a unique performer and a fantastic singer. She will go far.

Now I'm here writing on my blog and will soon sleep to catch the elimination later in the morning. I had a very good day. I'm quite happy about that.

Kinda reminds me, actually, of arriving in Sydney on the 5th of August. Tired and horribly sad to leave Melbourne. The bus picks us up and we travel all the way to the middle of Sydney and the fantastic Swissotel. In room 1821, Glen and I put down our bags. We don't unpack since we were only staying for one night but boy! There is nothing like a 5 star hotel and a great suite to stay in, even for 1 night. I felt like a king. Huge beds and a fantastic bathroom. I love hotels, as long as it isn't too long. But most of all, I love hotel breakfast buffets. They're the best, really. The Swissotel experience was just a welcome break from the very rushed, stressful and pressure-filled Australia trip that was both lovely and depressing. All these wonderful things to see and no time to go off and explore. Of course, the 5 star hotel treatment, even for one night, was enough for me to say, hey! This is work. We got perks but we got to earn it too. It was nice to be a king for a night.

And with the good news and how things have been turning and changing lately, I can settle for that for now. I'm a happy bunny.

posted by wanggo @ 1:07 AM 0 comments

Bondi Beach

Charles Darwin
It's not the strongest of the species that survive, but the one most responsive to change.

It's amazing, really, when you think about what a human being has to go through year after year. Incredible highs and incredible lows. One moment there're such unbelievable moments, magickal moments, movie moments and we can't believe that life can be so good and then there are moments that are just so bad, it can ruin you, destroy you and break you apart, tear you into little bits and you spend a great deal of time just putting yourself back together.

There are those people who just give up. They are torn asunder and they just don't have the will to try and put themselves together again. Some resolve to just drink and drink and not have to feel anything but the buzz, others just stay home and disappear from the world. The scariest form of giving up is when a person goes through the day-to-day without any joy. They tell everyone that everything is all right, that there's nothing wrong but they don't strive to do anything. They just go day in and day out doing the same thing, not dreaming of anything good, not hoping for anything great and they just basically are going through the motions. That's the scary one. That's almost like a zombie, a robot. It's mechanical. It's frightening.

I'm trying to remember if I ever found myself at a point that I became mechanical. I can't remember. I'm more of the type that really shows what is going on inside me. I have outlets, channels. I just express it and I let it out and then, when things start getting better, I shift, I adjust, I get better.

On our last day in Sydney, we found ourselves with only 1 interview left to do so I made a decision to take the bus to Bondi beach. I found the idea of a beach just 20 minutes away from the city so appealing. If I needed the moment to recuperate, to just soak the sun and swim in salt water, it would just be a bus ride away. I thought that was the most amazing thing in the world.

We took the bus from Hyde Park to Bondi. We passed East Sydney down some streets in Paddington before leaving the comforts of my city map and then up a hill to a sunny residential area with very friendly homes. We stepped off the bus and made a short walk to a bend in the road going down hill but over the hill we could already see the massive, beautiful beach that is Bondi.

I was thrilled! 8 foot waves were curling above the water. Surfers were having the time of their lives. In the middle of winter, there were Aussies walking in shorts and sleeveless shirts barefoot on the sand. People walking their dogs at the concrete and people jogging. While Glen was taking his shot, I saw some of the residents in the homes nearby just walking out of their apartments in boardshorts and slippers. They lived so close to the beach they didn't even need to bring a towel. It was dip and go.

My executive producer remarked how big my smile had become. I was energized and excited and was obviously having the time of my life. When Glen had made his shot, we rushed down to the beach where Glen began taking more shots and I took off my shoes and socks and walked in the sand. I felt the soft sand beneath my feet and took a whiff of the salt water air. I soaked in the sun. I said, if I were ever to move to Sydney, I'm moving here!
If ever I had become mechanical or zombie-like, if ever I gave up, I would never had had the chance to witness a beach like Bondi. I would never have been able to get the job to write this show and see a place like this. I would never have been able to come up with a dream that one day I'd be living in Bondi.

I can't allow myself to give up because I would just miss out on such spectacles such as this.

posted by wanggo @ 10:21 AM 0 comments

Journal

as texted by my Dad
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterates... I should just write it.

I found myself opening my last journal and scanning through the empty pages -- things that would have been filled up by my thoughts and experiences of 2005 had I conitnued writing on it. I don't remember exactly why I stopped. It was becoming the same thing, page after page -- whine and complain about every little thing. Why so and so doesn't love me or why I can't seem to get such and such project to get on board. I was just so freakin' plain miserable that I was getting depressed having to write it all down day after day. Then there would be that one entry where things are okay and then it was another string of bad experiences. I was getting sick of it. And then I had this, my blog, so I didn't see the need to continue on paper.

But I picked up my old journal for a reason. I started writing in it again. Never one to keep my own secrets, I'm always finding some friend or family member to talk to and to let out whatever is in my head -- I've decided to try and start writing in my journal again. I want to see if I can start keeping my own secrets for myself. I'm probably going to fail but it's nice to think that I can try.

And anyway, there are some things I cannot write here and for that, I'm going back to writing in my journal. I've got a couple more empty ones just waiting to be written on. I've just got back from Australia. I got back with my friendship with Jay. I got the Planetzips people whose company I do so enjoy and have great memories with and I don't want to share them with anyone else but them. So many new things happening in my family and in my personal life. Stuff I would be putting on my journal uncensored; un-edited.

So I'm returning to my journal. Just wrote another entry again, after a year and half. My last entry was dated December 25, 2004. That was a long, long time ago. It's time to get back because you can't ever re-live the past and you can't learn from that which you don't remember. And it's good to remember.

posted by wanggo @ 3:45 PM 0 comments

a picture or two of Sydney

Steve Wozniak
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

Just got back from a very relaxing and fun trip to Caliraya with my Planetzips crew and friends of Planetzips. Got to meet Cat's parents and some more of the gang's friends and family. It was so much fun and with the coming busy schedule, it was well-timed. After this, it's just going to be a rollercoaster.

But before I go off and start talking about other things. I think I owe everybody some pictures.

The picture is a little blurry, though but I think you get the point. I was with Monica, Bryan and Camille that Sunday night I met up with them. I was just so happy to be with them and it was a cold night and we had whatever cameras were ready, this one in particular is Camille's and it was freezing but we had a blast.

At the Rocks, looking at the Harbor Bridge with Monica. Camille was taking the picture and Bryan was hanging around, hopefully, having a good time as well. It was a fantastic night.

More pictures to follow and more thoughts to be shared. I got a lot on my mind right now and a lot on my plate too. I'm thankful and I'm happy.

posted by wanggo @ 10:24 PM 0 comments

a pause before the rush

Cicero
Numquam se minus otiosum esse, quam cum otiosus, nec minus solum, quam cum solus esset. (Never less idle than when wholly idle; nor less alone than when wholly alone.)

Just finished a meeting and saw that now that the first shoot of the television show is done we're going to be going full-throttle with it. I'm going to be more swamped than I ever was before. I was looking at the schedule we were making for the first 4 episodes and I saw that things aren't going to be the same anymore, again. Which is how I like it anyway...

Destination for the next set of episodes are set and that's kind of exciting. I've never been to those 2 places before so I'm going to go bananas. I won't say where. I don't want to lose the spontaneity of the show, afterall. I want you to be surprised.

But then again, how the hell am I suppose to keep my mouth shut! Ha Ha Ha

It's been a while since my last Rockstar Supernova entry so I want to talk about that. I love the fact that there have been a lot of David Bowie songs in the line up. I love Storm Large's take on Changes and Zayra did a great job on All the Young Dudes. They both did a good job, with Storm doing a super-fantastic job on it. I'm glad that Josh is gone already. I knew from the first episode he was not meant for the band. It's about time he's gone. I thought Jill was a drama queen and hard to work with and after a while, she was a one-dimensional singer. She just has a powerful voice but that's it. Power does not a rockstar make. I like Toby but he's not for Supernova. Neither is Zayra, for that matter. Storm, performance after performance, is a superb singer and she definitely can front Supernova. Magni also is a superb singer. I was a little doubtful in the first episode but as time past, those doubts were erased. Now, after seeing his performance of Dolphin's Cry, I am sure he can front Supernova. Lukas is still a very good singer and I love the arrangements of his songs; but I still don't like him. Ryan did a fantastic job with Losing My Religion and Enjoy the Silence. He did a really, really fantastic job. He just needs to loosen up a bit more and he can be in the running.

Right now, I'm paying my bills, getting through the day and trying to get out of this daze. I mean, no one goes to this amazing place and not come back changed. And I'm trying to catch up with the changes and get back to the daily grind without any friction. I would love to have the time to sit down and be able to integrate, to coalesce but there's no time.

Well, that's not true, either. Tomorrow, I should be on the way to Caliraya with the Planetzips crew to just relax and unwind. I can't wait, really. I'm going to zip, swim and soak up some sun. I'll get to hang with the crew again which I haven't done in a while.

So that's going to be great. A last hurrah before work takes over. I don't mind. This is what I asked for, after all.

posted by wanggo @ 5:26 PM 0 comments

a magickal moment

Jorane from Roll the Stars (words by Jorane and Simon Wilcox and music by Jorane)
Everything makes sense
After work, after dark
It's a graceful silence
I'm just sad I can't stay

Yesterday was a magickal morning. There was no denying it. I woke up early. Other than one interview, we were pretty much done. We were full of stuff for Sydney as it was. So it was scheduled in the morning for a free day and then after the interview, the rest of the afternoon off.

I woke up early because I wanted to take the bus to Bondi beach. Australia is etched in my mind for its fabulous beaches and I really wanted to visit one. My last beach trip was in June and so it was time. I wanted to get sand on my feet. I wanted to see the surf. I wanted to smell the ocean.

Astrud and Glen, executive producer and camera man respectively, wanted to come with me so I woke them up and then went down to have breakfast and to change my money. I needed some cash for the bus tickets and since I was going out of Sydney to the suburbs, would be needin’ cash for the train.

It was early and the money changer was to open at 9am and it was only 8:55am so I was there, standing in the cold, hands buried in the pockets of my jacket when a middle aged man with a kind smile passed by. He might’ve been Middle Eastern but he could’ve been Pakistani or Indian. I wasn’t sure exactly. He passed by in front of me, turned to look and stopped.

“You are a very lucky man,” he said. Cautiously, I thanked him and, since I was waiting for the shop to open, tried to stay out of his way without moving.

“No, you don’t understand, I’m a fortune-teller,” he said, beaming brightly, “You have a very fortunate face. You’re features are lucky.” I felt strange at his statement but found myself speechless. He smiled again and repeated, “You are a very lucky man.” Then he left.

I stood there and watched him walk away. I wanted to chase him down and tell him that he was wrong. I was sorely depressed all of May and June. I made so many wrong choices and I was just getting by, still living hand-to-mouth and it would be a long while before I get back to being okay.

That morning, I went to Bondi beach and saw the immense ocean and my mouth was a full-on smile that wouldn’t leave. I took off my socks and shoes, despite the freezing cold, and walked on the sand. We had the interview at noon and then left by train for Cabramatta which was not what we were expecting.

That night, separated from the group, I took the monorail twice around its route and then walked to the Rocks and just circled it three times. I sat by the harbour and looked at the Sydney Opera House in the distance and then the other way to see Harbour Bridge. I then walked the distance to the Opera House and walked up the steps while people were walking down, probably coming from watching a show. I turned up the volume of the I-Pod that Jay lent me. It was Forgiveness from The Prayer Cycles by Jonathan Elias. Linda Rondstadt was belting out beautiful melodies in Spanish and there and then, I just broke down and cried. I was just amazed by the beauty of the whole place and the whole situation that I was in. Here I was, at the prime of my life, swallowed by the magick of another land.

The guy was right after all. I am a lucky bastard!

posted by wanggo @ 10:40 PM 1 comments

Sydney

Sarah McLachlan from Elsewhere (written by Sarah McLachlan)
I love the time and in between
The calm inside me
In the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
Distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out holding in

I arrived in Sydney yesterday and it has been harrowing. There was the concert going on and then I had to go and do our shoot because our host has to leave the next day and my executive producer is starting to break down because of fatigue, lack of sleep and complete culture shock.

I'm starting to lose my nerves, having a hard time to make it as efficient as I can while controlling it to have at least just a few hours to myself. Sydney is so much bigger than Melbourne and I will hardly get to see any of it without some time off. Not the way I want to see it, anyway.

Sydney is so different from Melbourne. Sydney really is a city. It's huge and unbelievably urban. I saw a monorail and can't wait to ride it on Tuesday and the roads are bigger and they are a little more strict here than in Melbourne. My heart was sold to Melbourne just a few hours in the city and I was told to expect something not as charming here in Sydney and that I might not warm up to it as I did to Melbourne.

It was true, I didn't warm up to Sydney right away. It seemed to huge and intimidating and cold but now, on my second day, I'm starting to see myself fit in here, somehow. It will be a hard choice between Sydney and Melbourne but they are both definitely in the running. I like it here. Australia surprised me. It never occurred to me that I would like to live here for awhile. I thought it would be a nice place to visit, but to actually inhabit? Even for just a short while? I was quite shocked. But I like it here. I really do. Things work here. You can make it work out here.

I'm still in a dizzy, actually. So much information coming in, too much data streaming into my consciousness. I don't even know where to begin, really, but I'm sure that the moment I get home and I start telling the stories over and over again I'll really get to figure out what I would like to say about this trip.

I'm really exhausted and my feet are about to explode or fall out and while we had some sun today, the night has creeped in and it's freezing and I'm tired and I don't want to see the crew for a few hours and just disappear and be by myself but despite all that, I'm still having fun. I can't believe I'm here! I'm having a blast and I can't believe I am doing this from the strength of the work I put in and the work I have put in that has become a basis for their trust in me.

I'm still alive and I'm still down under!

posted by wanggo @ 4:17 PM 2 comments

The Explorer Conquered

Ivy from Edge of the Ocean
We can begin again
Shed our skin and let the sun shine in
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again

I can't believe I'm in Melbourne! I'm just so thrilled. Astrud, the executive producer of my show, looked at me and said you're smile is so big! Then, half a day later, she looked at me and said, it's still there! It's still so big! I'm just so amazed to be here.

I'm loving the city and it's only been a day. I love the whole mixture of the old and the new, built side-by-side, inspiring the other into this amazing city. The roads are huge and the traffic system works. As you walk along the streets, the trams come by and you can see people on their way to whatever. But what I like about it is that it is also a walking city. I'm walking everywhere here and I'm so happy.

It is cold, though. It's freezing! It hit 7 degrees Celsius last night but I'm happy despite it. It adds to the experience, being here in the tail end of winter. Everyone is so dressed up and I'm actually wearing gloves and a scarf! Never would have to in the Philippines, but here, I just fit right in.

I've made friends with Rain, the lady at the Philippine consul who is assigned to assist us. She's a Filipina who's lived all over the world and has taken to Melbourne for her studies. She's been here for a year now and she loves it and she is in love with the look on my face. She's so proud to see how much the city she has called home has amazed, entranced and beguiled me.

I'm just so happy to be here. It's a little expensive so I'd have to properly plan if ever I'm to go back; but I want to. I want to live here for at least 2 years. Ha Ha Ha Wasn't I saying the same thing about Shanghai? Ha Ha Ha I'm such a nut but what can I say? I felt like the explorer who was conquered by the land he came to see. It's just so modern and new here, but also, very cultural and it has its own history and its own charm and identity.

I can see myself here, suffering from the cold, studying, taking my Master's and working here. I can see myself walking towards the beach, which is just walking distance from the city, or taking the Tram or drinking coffee in one of the many street cafes.

They have such a strong artistic spirit here and a love for reading and they really value education here. I feel this from the many people I've been talking to and from all my explorations of yesterday.

I can't wait to show pictures!

posted by wanggo @ 6:01 AM 3 comments

A Family Tree

as texted to me by my Dad
God save us from the people who think they're doing the will of God.

My mom is here for a while. She arrived this morning and then she's staying for a while. She'll be gone before I get back and so we sorta spent as much time as we could. Heard a lot of news about my family in the States and my family in Bacolod. It's good to know what's going on in the family. I must admit; I'm not the most filial of people. In my family, nothing goes before the family. It's a very strict code and I respect that. After all, my family are the only ones I can really trust. They have proven it time and time again that no matter how they regard me, especially since there are times that it has been very low, they will stand by me and support me and be there for me. They always have my back covered.

I would like to think that Jay and the gang, the Planetzips crew, Michelle Pascual, Lance and DC, Cholo and Tesa and the rest are my family too and that I could always fall back on them if needs be -- truth of the matter is, I'd never ask that from them. My pride is too big to be a burden to the people I care about. My family, on the other hand, won't wait for me to ask, they'll just help, whether I like it or not and that's a little irritating, a bit frustrating but, on the whole, extremely comforting.

But my extreme inability to commit to anything and this negative need for freedom finds me running away from the ties that bind; because I fear, I am guessing, that by allowing them that closeness, would take away from my freedom.

I can be so stupid, huh?

But my family is always there for me. And it gets bigger and bigger as the seasons turn, as the months pass, as the years stretch. There is always more and more coming our way. It's nice and comforting to know that I'm in a family that cares and that will be there, even if I can't handle it.

They'll handle it for me.

Of course, I've said it often, I'll miss my friends and my crew when I go to the land down under. But deep inside, and though I've never said it, I'm going to miss my family too and I feel sad I can't share it with them.

posted by wanggo @ 1:40 AM 0 comments