Indulgence

Hope is a Double-Edged Sword

Jacques Cousteau
Il faut aler voir. (We must go and see)

The picture is of Amanda, Paulino and I at the DJ Tiesto rave early April of this year. Paulino and I are showing off our backstage passes which allowed us to go into the event without need of buying tickets. No messy lines, no waiting, nothing. We just entered the performers entrance at the back and we were going in and out without a problem. We zipped on stage while DJ Tiesto, the man who, for 3 consecutive years, was named the best DJ in the world. I was right beside his deck and mixing table, spinning the ribbons to dizzying effect. When our part was over, I went down and joined my friends at the VIP section at the right (when facing Tiesto) and was able to re-connect with old friends. It was a very important time for me. Bracing for a new chapter in my life, one filled with old characters from older chapters.

Right now, I'm in limbo. I've got over 30,000 bucks in collectibles which I haven't collected yet and people are knocking on my door asking when I'm going to pay for the stuff that I owe. I don't blame them, I feel exactly the same way with the people who owe me money. What about the dream job, you ask? Well, it's a little hazy at the moment and right now, I haven't heard any news. Like I said before, I'd be happy to get it and I'd be happy not to get it. It's either or but at the moment, I don't know if it is either that or this. It's hard to move when you don't know how solid the ground is going to be on the next step. It's the crossroads that's getting me down. I've got 2 roads before me and possibly 3 more, if I look hard enough, but since I'm waiting for a decision regarding my possible employment in this new dream job, I'm kinda stuck.

Morx, Rex, Len and Che were talking about 5-year plans and 10-year plans and the people who really have succeeded in business had one and mission and a vision that they never wavered from. I can see the logic in that. And I guess Morx is right saying that everyone who wishes to succeed must have a 5-year plan but I'm not that kind of person. I can write and write and write but if the opportunity never presents itself to get these things published or produced, there's no point. I could fight tooth and nail to get someone to listen and to get the work out there but I'm very scared I'm tired.

Right now, I'm looking for more backstage passes to get me in without having to go through those God damned lines. I've been on that line since I was 14, when I first started writing professionally. Unfortunately, for people with my kind of life, where everything is subjective and based on the tastes and perceptions of people -- it's really hit or miss. I've been out there, churning out word after word and still I'm in the drawing board. Lots of mistakes. I've made lots of mistakes and I haven't learned yet. Patience is the key and I have none. Never really been the patient one.

I can feel it. All this joy and bliss, all this happiness I've been feeling for the past 3 or so weeks is about to go. I'm about to fall again and I'm quite used to it that I know exactly what I've got to do. This depression that I'm about to get into to, I know how to deal with. I know what I'm going to be like and so I am ready for it. I just hate it that these fucking mood swings are something I can already almost predict. And like a trained veteran, I know exactly what is going to happen, what I can expect, what I'm going to do. This sucks big time.

Everything was going so well. And now everything is falling apart around me. I'm tired. That's what I am. I don't want promises of things getting easier and better. I want things to just be easier and better. It's been an uphill climb for 3 years God damn it! How much farther up is it going to be? I'm just exhausted. I'm living my life on the promises of others. I can't do that anymore. It's the problem with hope -- it keeps us going when we should have learned by now that the mountain won't move, the river's current will not change. Hope is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it keeps us fighting, it helps us to perservere. On the other hand, sometimes it keeps us going when the fight is long over and we've already lost.

There is always something to be said of knowing when to let go and when to keep pushing. That's my problem. I hold on to hope so strongly I sometimes forget when to let go and when to move on.

posted by wanggo @ 9:39 PM 0 comments

Best Summer Ever

As texted to me by my Dad
We are here to be creators. We are here to infiltrate space with ideas and mentions of thought. We are here to make something of this life.

I keep thinking what a fucking lucky bastard I've been these past few days. I left GMA NMI sometime in February and started doing some freelance work, writing for events, corporate AVPs and 1 or 2 articles and while I didn't get paid for them yet, I found myself with a lot of gigs performing for Planetzips. I may not have been wealthy this summer but I've been able to get by, you know? And then, re-connecting with old friends allowed me to go to so many beaches this summer. A commercial gig, because of Planetzips again, also got me to the beach and because of friends from Planetzips, I found myself going to Caliraya for the first time, a beautiful lake in Laguna. I've been offered so many things -- 2 movies, a fantastic regular job and a possibility to go out of the country. And while none of them seem to be pushing through, the point is, people want me. There have been days when I didn't want to do anything so I didn't do anything -- I would stay in my friend's condo the whole day, lying down, smoking cigarettes, eating chips and watching television and sleeping.

I've finished a really good book and am starting a really fascinating one now -- The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson and it's rivetting. It's my first non-fiction book in a long time and it chronicles the events of the World Fair in Chicago in 1893 following the lives of the 2 men who best exemplified it. The architect who built it and the serial killer who used it to bait his victims. It's well-written and I think I'm going to enjoy it immensely in the coming days.

I feel so bad because I keep promising myself that after this, I'll start to get busy. After this, after that... but afterwards comes another chance to just enjoy. Sometimes, I wonder, if this is a reward for continuous hard work of the past 2 years and that I deserve to just enjoy my life for this brief instance or is that a trap? Maybe it's some wayward path that will bring me towards a spiral of laziness and high expectation? I don't know.

But right now, I don't want to stop having fun. I've never been more creative. Already, I've thought up of 3 new stories that will translate well into films or short stories. I've got germs of ideas crawling all over the spaces in my head. All I ask is for some downtime, 3 days where no one is here at my place so I can just write and write and write. But it gets so busy here with the baby and all and noisy and so many things to do, so many distractions. I prefer being out to have some time for myself in-between getting to places. But I keep spinning around, keep moving on. This will lead up to something, I'm sure. Just don't stop. Keep moving forward. And this is not a road block, this is not a time out, all this enjoyment and fun. It's all part and parcel of making something of this life. I won't stop. Life should be this fun.
(picture of me laughing was shot in Cagbalete, Holy Week 2006 by Jay; picture of me fire-spinning was taken in Boracay April 22, 2006 by Jay)

posted by wanggo @ 6:42 PM 1 comments

Experience

attributed to C. S. Lewis
Courage is not a single virtue but all our virtues coming together at a point when we are tested.

I just finished reading Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go. Once again, I was left crying in my bed, holding a book to my chest and just feeling the moment. It's a good book, really. Lyrical prose, very descriptive yet full of movement -- both internally for the characters and the plot. It's always moving. It's definitely in my recommended reading list. It's a beautiful book.

I've come to think of my life in a certain way. Had a conversation with someone recently; I remember telling them that I'm an extreme person. It's very important for me to feel things. It's why I take everything personally and seriously. It's important for me to feel something. Which is why, sometimes, I choose to do stupid things. Sometimes, being smart is safe but safe never brought you far in this world, in terms of experience. Maybe I'm the kind of guy who learns the hard way and I prefer it that way, really. My brother Datu has been through a lot and Jubal is very logical and reasonable and they tell me often that I'm about to make a mistake but no matter how well they map out the situation for me, I'll still do it, you know? I got to learn it on my own.

I don't know if that's a writer thing. Better to experience it myself, so as better to write about it later on, rather than just take it on hearsay and never really know what it really is about. It's important for me to go through the motions, to go through the decision-making and then the consequence (or reward). I want to taste the bitterness and the sweetness of life. It's not enough for me to reach the finish line; I've got to reach it with mud on my shoes, perspiration on my shirt, and with cuts and scratches. I don't want to reach the end line pristine and just how I left. There'd be no point, otherwise.

So yes, I'm an extreme person. Sometimes, I consider myself all heart and no head; ready to bleed as long as I come away with something after. Because that's the treasure. It's not what's in the chest but the fact that you went through hell and high water to get it. The value is not in the gold and how much it is worth, the value comes from what you did to get it.

I don't know why I ended up of thinking of this. I thought it would be more in tune to the book Never Let Me Go. I thought I'd be talking more about the human soul but I ended up thinking about emotions and life and the way I live it. Funny.

I think this picture says a lot about how I feel right now. Do you know that Smart Ad on the beach with Bamboo? If you've seen it long enough, you'd see the fire breathers and fire dancers all over that commercial. I'm one of `em. It was a good gig, really. Got to go to the beach for free and got paid good money to dance with fire all day. In-between takes, I'd jump into the cool water to cool down and I got a gorgeous tan right afterwards. At one point, I had to climb up onto a platform that was 15 feet up in the air and spin my fire poi and though you barely make me out from the half-second it aired and from the many other things to look at, I was up there for a good 40 plus minutes. Had I fallen or had the pole fallen, I would have been seriously injured. But that wasn't the point, I guess. The point was that I went up the ladder and spun fire on a platform 15 feet up in the air. The heat was unbelievable and the height was dizzying but I had a huge smile on my face and I kept cracking jokes to the other fire dancers on the poles nearby. Hey Migui! I can see your house from here! I kept shouting. And I hadn't slept a wink the whole time and we were exhausted at this point. But should I find myself talking to some kids in my old age, what a story to tell, eh?

If it is one thing that can define me, it will be my passion, my zest for life. And honestly, there's nothing about that to be ashamed of.

(picture taken in the first week of April in Calatagan, Batangas by Christelle Santa Maria)

posted by wanggo @ 2:57 AM 2 comments

In-Between the Spaces

Rumi
I can feel you in my heart, though you belong to the world.

I could talk about so many other things but right now, I had a wonderful time yesterday talking to people who truly matter to me. I spent a good whole day with good friends Jay and Rex, and then over drinks with Anne and Berna and then from midnight to early morning with Datu, my brother.

It amazes me how connected we are to people. The idea of just spending time with people and talking to them, learning more and more about how they see the world and how I want them to see the way I see the world. This sharing of perspective, of opinions, of views, is what makes relationships so special. At one point, there is a single moment when you understand someone, or at least the attempt to understand someone is a magickal feeling. I think this is what Anne meant, yesterday, when she said she wanted a moment when everyone is on the same page. I like that thought. She even pushed it further by saying that it will probably be only a moment, when all of us are on the same page in our lives but what a truly amazing moment that would be.

I've been away from Jay for 2 years and now Rex is an integral part of the group and I'm getting to know Morx and Jay all over again and am amazed at how they have grown and changed and bloomed. In a way, I'm thankful for the 2 year gap that had transpired because it allows me to treasure them in a new way and it allows for us to grow and accept the changes that have transpired between us. If we had stayed as close as we were, everything would have been the same and I cannot take that.

On the flipside, Berna and Anne, I haven't seen in just a few weeks but there is so much happening in-between the spaces because of the kind of lives we lead. Anne has traveled to Sagada, Thailand and Vietnam and they both began taking diving lessons. Berna's work is emotionally tiring but rewarding. The kind of growth they come into is just inspiring.

On a strange note, the Spaceman has returned in my life. I let the Spaceman back in. More than anything, I can't stand this pervading feeling of longing in my heart and I decided I just wanted the thrill of wanting to be with someone back in my life. 2 years has gone since we last spoke and it's nice to see also how much I've changed since 2004. But deep down inside, I can feel it, I'm beating a dead horse.

Strange how I can imagine Jay or Berna or Anne or Morx's life going on and I'm there in the periphery coming in every once in a while. The connection is that strong. But with someone like the Spaceman, I have no idea what happens in-between the texts and the few and far between meetings. I can't imagine what goes on in the Spaceman's life outside when I'm let in. As much as I want the connection there, it doesn't come. And if I want to be truly honest with myself, it probably never will come.

It's these moments of longing that really get to me these days. Weird when I'm having so much fun connecting with people and so much has happened and there is so much to share with my friends which I'm nurturing a lot of -- friendships. So much to learn and so much to enjoy and here I am trying to find someone to throw it all to. It's a conditioning that I want to get out of.

Now when I'm so happy, I make these stupid little wants and mistake them for needs and it's annoying, is what it is. Because at the throes of the company I'm with, I forget it, you know? It's in the spaces between these moments that it hits me hard. It's now learning how to set up the buffers when I'm alone, I guess, and I'll be okay.

(picture taken in Boracay, 2006 by Jay. That's me spinning fire.)

posted by wanggo @ 2:47 PM 0 comments

Back from Boracay

from The Contender
Principles only mean something if you stick by them when they're inconvenient.

I had a grand time in Boracay. I was with a lot of good friends and got to meet even more. It was more chill out than my usual Boracay trips where I would go to the bars and stuff and dance. We pretty much kept to ourselves except when we went to Hed Kandi at Hey Jude! Hed Kandi was okay. The people seemed to enjoy it but I found the music a little too laid back for my tastes. I want to dance and it wasn't the type that really gets your heart pumping. At Hed Kandi, I was just sipping my drinks and just swaying to the beat, not really losing control. Kinda hard with Hed Kandi music which is very laid back. It was the perfect setting, though. Hey Jude! is the best bar in Boracay, in my opinion.

What was important, for me, was that I got to hang out with my old friends again. Jay and Morx are really good friends from the past and it was great being with them. I'm also getting to know Rex, a new addition to the mix and I got to hang out with the rest of the gang again -- Che, Lai, Len, Hycee and Corks and I got to meet the guys Nino and Komang. I also got to know Naira and Dave more, people I met last week. So it was a great time to be there, really. It was all about renewing bonds of friendship.

I was able to once again, experience the Boracay experience -- the soft sand that never gets hot, the cold water, the Boracay sea wind and the people who are generally in such a good cheer.

But now it is time to get serious. It's time to get into work mode. I've lived the life. It's time to make it mean something.

posted by wanggo @ 3:55 PM 0 comments

happy but never content

Olive from Outlaw
Couldn't you have told me before
I would've loved you and so much more
Couldn't you have told me before
Feelin' like an outlaw

I leave in a few hours for Boracay and last night's Planetzips meeting ended with Cat saying that pairs of fire zips were available for sale; so I instantly bought a pair and am happily, extremely excited to bring it with me to Boracay. I HAVE MY OWN FIRE SETS!!! We dipped them in kerosene and spun them out and it's to my extreme joy to know that the set I'm spinning is my own! Yeah, baby! This is the reason why I wanted to learn how to zip in the first place, to be able to dance with fire. Of course, I've fallen in love with the ribbons as well. There are movements that I'm extremely comfortable doing with my zips but then, I can't do the chainsaw with my zips. I am extremely happy to be a part of Planetzips. Unbelievably happy. I found great people whom I love and love hanging out with, who understand me and I found something that I enjoy doing and that I can actually get paid for. Wanggo is very happy.

So later, I leave for Boracay. This has been a most fulfilling summer. Opportunities arrived when they were needed. I needed cash and zipping gigs came. I needed to get out, offers to go to the beach came -- some all expenses paid, it's my company they wanted so badly that they were willing to pay for my way. Astrology Zone was right, actually, the last 3 years were hard and painful and that starting this year, everything would come easier. It's my time to actually start sailing. Every month since I started reading Astrology Zone, the predictions have been right on the dot. I don't know if that scares me or what but all I know is that there is a Boracay sunset out there, waiting for me and my new pair of fire zips.

I had coffee with my friend Adrian and I had said that I'm not the kind of person who could be content; I could be happy but not content. The moment I get something I want, I find something new and start trying to achieve that immediately. I could never be settled with what I got, I got to have more. So while I can be happy, I cannot be content. I still stand by that. I'm extremely happy now, with things going my way and a beautiful clear horizon in the distance. Am on my sail boat, letting down the sails and catching wind. It's going to be a beautiful last hurrah on the beach before I get down and dirty. I've got the new CD of Skin and Fiona Apple, I've got a pair of fire zips, am reading Kazuo Ishiguro's new book Never Let You Go and enjoying it's rich and distinct prose (thanks Morx) and I'm darker than coal from the beach and I've got a job to return to next week.

What I hope to learn from this is the belief in the rewards of hard work, patience and gratitude. I don't ever want to take any of this for granted. I want to remember that I worked my ass off since I was 14 to get to do everything I wanted to do when I grew up and that I cannot rush things, you've got to let everything take its natural course through time.

(Mauban sunset, taken by Jay during Holy Week, 2006)

posted by wanggo @ 7:34 AM 0 comments

Nothing is Wasted

as texted to me by my Dad
We are here to be creators. We are here to infiltrate space with ideas and mentions of thought. We are here to make something of this life.

I recently bought Skin's new album Fake Chemical State and I love it. Especially songs like Purple which totally gets to me. Her voice is still so powerful, so intense, so evocative. Forget Alanis or Avril, Skin is truly the poster girl for the intelligent angry woman. Jay bought me, from Hong Kong, Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine dual-disc and I love it! Unfortunately, I still really do love the released versions, whether or not it was the way Fiona Apple or Jon Brion wanted it to sound, it had more power and intensity. Sad to say, as well, because I really like Mike Elizondo. I was sold to his producing skills from his Nelly Furtado track The Grass is Green which is a fantastic song. But somehow, the pre-released versions of Extraordinary Machine is messy, chaotic and absolutely fantastic. And somehow, Fiona Apple's vocals in those unofficial sessions were more evocative, more intense; which is how I like her. But, of course, I had to buy the album in support of one of our most intriguing and talented songwriters and singers of my generation (my opinion). I want her career to fly because I think she should be appreciated for her amazing ability to convey emotion through song -- whether it is a cover or original material. Now that she has released 3 albums, I can safely say that she is one of my favourite artists of all time -- up there with Kate Bush, Sarah McLachlan, Bjork and Tori Amos. I felt that 2 albums would be judging her too quickly but 3 albums is enough to convince me that she really got the goods.

Tomorrow, I leave again for the beach. Boracay is the destination this time. I'll be with Jay and Morx and a lot of other friends from my college days and some new ones that Morx and Jay have met along the way. It's going to be fun. We're going to have exchanges like this

Morx: Wala bang defence against sand mites? (Is there any defence against sand mites)
Wanggo: Off lotion?
Jay: Para sa mosquitoes lang yan. (That's just for mosquitoes)
Wanggo: Well, walang sand mites sa Boracay. (There are no sand mites in Boracay)
Morx: Meron. Nakagat na ako dati. (There are. I got bitten before)
Jay: Wala yan! (There are none!)
Wanggo: I don't know... I never got bitten. Even when we
were in Cagbalete, I wasn't bitten. And I didn't even put anything.
Morx: Kasi, akala nga nila putik ka! (That's because you look like mud.)
(general laughter ensues)
(in reference to my extremely dark skin from over-tanning)

Friends who are intelligent, witty, clever and unafraid of you. There is trust there that no egos will be bruised, that everything is in the sake of truth but general merriment. I like that idea that I can just unload and if I deserve it, I'll get trashed for it or what I say can be agreed upon.
It's just nice to be in their company again.

And then I'm off to start a new job. Yup, that's right, I got an offer I can't refuse. It's creative, in nature, and it'll probably work my ass off like anything but right now, the money is just too good to pass up. Yes, I know I said I wanted to enjoy my freedom and everything but here's a chance for me to make a shitload of money, man! Yeah, I'm after the money this time and I'm going to give them everything I have and make this work out for as long as I can muster. I'm taking things one step at a time. Slowly but surely. Like I told someone recently, I can just keep on giving and I'll never run out and I feel that the statement is true. And if I do run out, I can go knowing that I gave everything I had to the company and that what they paid me for was worth it. I'll be exchanging a lot of my freedom for security but this kind of security will last me for a very long time. This time, I'm using my head.

All of these are stories, our lives are stories that we are continually writing. I'm just taking the long route to the happy ending. Nothing is wasted because everything can be used later on as a story for a book or a movie, anyway. Nothing is wasted.

And I'm happy. I'm not having second thoughts or anything like that about this whole deal. When it came, I was just the happiest person in the world and I had no sinking feeling in my gut. I'm going to go with my instincts on this one. So one last hurrah -- Boracay with Jay and Morx and then back into the fold. I am having a great year where everything is really going my way. I'm going to be hard-pressed to find something to complain about in future entries.

(all pictures taken by Jay in Cagbalete, Quezon sometime around Holy Week, 2006)

posted by wanggo @ 12:53 PM 2 comments

hopeful, joyous, happy

As texted to me by my Dad
Never mind loving your enemies... just treat your friends a little better.

It would be wonderful to go off and write about the many wonderful conversations I had in Cagbelete during Holy Week or to talk about the amazing changes that have passed between people, real close friends who haven't seen each other in 2 years, or maybe to talk about the quasi-spiritual experience of sitting in a beach under the light of a full moon and everything is quiet except for the surf and your own breathing. I want to talk all about that but in a matter of 2 days, my whole life has changed again.

I asked for something and I got it. I got it almost immediately. There was a moment of panic and then it was complete and total submission to the situation and all I could think about was God damn it! I'm a God damned lucky son of a bitch! Of course, I probably worked my ass off to get this far in my life. I can't say I haven't earned it. I've worked since I was 14. I got to where I am without the help of my Father. Maybe having his family name helped, but I never asked him to connect me with anyone. I proved to him that I was a good writer, otherwise he would never have asked me to write for him. I proved to people that despite my heritage, I wasn't a fake, I'm the real deal. I proved to myself that I can go far beyond what people expect of me. I asked for it and I got it.

So now I've got 4 amazing, wonderful group of friends whom I trust and love being around. Some old that I've returned to, some new that I am adjusting to and finding my place and others in the middle ground creating a space where we can all find time to meet again between our busy schedules. I really, really can't ask for more.

Yet I have and I got it. A cup of coffee, 3 quarter pack of cigarettes and 2 and a half hours of conversation has brought my heart up into a tailspin.

As I texted Cholo after the night:

My God, Cholo! I'm in a tailspin! I'm in mid-air and I don't know if
I am flying or falling! Everything is weird. The good news is that I
think I'm coming up with something big. Something we can do. Wish me
luck! I'm not releasing the parachute just yet. I'm going to see
where this takes me. I hope you are in a good place.

And this might be stupid but it's the hope, the thrill, the electricity running through my spine that I love. I love this feeling of having something to look forward to. It's been 2 years since I've felt this way, this kind of energy coursing through my body. All of a sudden, I'm 2 shakes away from writing something meaningful.

This week has just been pure heaven and it's only Tuesday. On Thursday I leave for Boracay, to just absorb all that has happened in the past 2 days. One thing I'm sure of, I said it was time to get busy. When I get back, I'll definitely be busy.

Life can't get any better than this, for me, at the moment. I am extremely grateful.

(pictures taken in Cagbalete, Quezon during Holy Week, 2006. Those are good, close friends Morx and Jay, happy, I hope, to take me back in.)

posted by wanggo @ 4:34 PM 1 comments

time stopped

Nelly Furtado from Picture Perfect (written by Nelly Furtado, Gerald Eaton and Brian West)
Please bring me along
Please take me away
I don't want to stay
And I want to see everything you have to offer me
I want t see everything the world has to offer me
I want to show everything I have to offer it
I want to show everything I have to offer it now

I spent 5 days under the fury of the sun's rays and 5 nights under the tenderness of the brilliance of the moon, 3 nights of which it was full. I was fanned by sea breeze and accompanying the music that we played, the sounds of the sea rushing up against the tides were rhythmic and gentle. I was in the company of friends -- old and new and sometimes I found myself alone, listening to music, watching the moon or reading a book.

I had more fun then I expected and a truly wonderful finale; our last night was spent hanging out as one by one, people went to sleep and my good friend Morx and I spent the whole night talking about books, movies and the way we live our lives. It was truly amazing, sitting there, listening to good music, under the light of the full moon, fanned by a strong sea wind and just talking openly and without hindrance.

Slowly, I've begun to come back to my old friends -- Morx and Jay. The distance has done us good. It has allowed me a chance to grow on my own and to allow me a chance to see them grow and change and develop. It's not a bumpy ride as I thought it might be; unconsciously, we are reverting back to old roles but played by new actors. I've changed much since last I saw them and so have they.

We left Tuesday early morning and got to the beach by Tuesday late morning and then we left on the morning of Sunday. That's practically almost a week. For 5 days, the world stopped. Except for the brief interludes when someone would text, it seemed like there was nothing to return to and that we came from nowhere. There were points when it felt like we were just there. Those days in the beach of Mauban, Quezon, I was just so into the moment. Very little bothered me. And then, the moment I got back into the city and I saw the buildings and the lights and the cars and I could hear the hum of electricity running through the buildings and the streets, my clear memory of the trip had begun to fade. Memory is a tricky thing, really. We must always be careful.

So much to say and I don't even have the pictures for it just yet. But I'll get them soon. I just wanted to say I'm back and that I've done a lot of thinking and I've been on my ass for a while now and it's time to start making my moves. I'm going to start taking these things seriously.

I've had my rest. It's time to get busy.

posted by wanggo @ 12:33 AM 0 comments

the last hurrah before everything starts

Kitchie Nadal from Fire
You will seek him with all your heart, soul and strength
You'll count all the cost as you walk out the door
Without a warning you'll set the world on fire!

Dad left today for Bacolod. I won't see him again until work brings him round again to here. While I now have the room all to myself, I should be doing backflips in glee, I find myself feeling a little more empty. I should have stopped watching television and given up on the game that refuses to install properly and slept relatively early last night that way I could've spent more time with him before he left. It's always on the way out that you actually remember the things you want to say to someone.

We've had a good couple of months, at least 3 or 4, to have said what we really wanted to but somehow, they wouldn't have compared to any conversation we would have had this morning had I been awake. There is something to be said about the immediacy of the advent of leaving. It grants weight to your thoughts and words.

Patience has given me a gift and things are looking up again. Of course, it is no promise of flight, but at least my head is up and there is something to look at. Something tangible that I can try and make it work. I can make it work. Whether this allows me to leave for a few days and see a different part of the world or it ends up throwing money at my lap and the corresponding work, I don't really care. These are all stepping stones to where I want to go.

No more jerking around, no more wasted time. I will come back with my head straight on and my heart dead-set on coming out with dirty hands, a bleeding heart and a script worth producing. It begins now.

But first off, I have a fire spinning gig later for a thesis defense and later tonight I leave for Cagbalete, an island where I will spend the Holy Week with old friends. I won't be back until Sunday, hopefully with pictures of our forays into indulgence, which is always the case, and maybe a new set of sunburn.

I'm ready to explode with the anxiety of having to make something out of this year. It's not like last year where I worked on a level of commitment to my job and doing all that needed to be done because I was part of a system. That is not the case now. I am my only system and if I don't do anything, regardless of the promise of work, then nothing will become of me. I want to be a writer, so whether or not I have a producer, I will start churning out scripts.

I am no machine so I won't churn out scripts like some fantasy machine thinking up of the possibilities and just heading forward. Instead, I will be a creator, my own little god, telling the stories of the possibilities and little realities where things go the way they should, so one can laugh or cry or feel something akin to hope or loss.

There will be no more wasted time.

posted by wanggo @ 2:07 PM 2 comments

of summers and things to do, places to go

Albert Einstein from his address at H. A. Lorentz' grave
Everyone followed him gladly for they felt that he never set out to dominate but always simply to be of use.

So yesterday, I went out to meet up with Cholo and his friends and I had a lovely time. I've always been comfortable with older people. My father and mother always had their friends over and they told me I would always sit down and listen intentively to them and share as much as I could showing off a precociousness and a talent for being mature. They would tell me that days after, I would be copying the way their friend would speak. Being the youngest of the family and not having my own set of friends until second year high school, I was always more comfortable with older company. I had a blast talking with such distinguished and accomplished people. People who made themselves who they are or at the very least, took advantage of what life offered and really lived -- people who've seen the world and took it in their hands and worked with it. Very inspiring.

Am preparing right now for my Dad's leaving -- he'll be going back to Bacolod for an indefinite amount of time, to work on the Negros Summer Workshop in Multimedia, which he does annually. I will miss him but I have to admit, there is a certain level of joy to know that I will have my room back all to myself. I will always reiterate, once you've lived alone, it's hard to come back to living with others.

Holy Week is in preparation. Everyone is preparing to leave for somewhere or choosing to stay in Manila for some peace and quiet. I am once more going to the island of Cagbalete just off Mauban, Quezon. My friends have property there and so for 5 days, approximately, we'll be in a private island all to ourselves. Not bad, really, except there were some complications that arose. I almost decided not to go because of it, but I have to. More than anything, it would be great to be in that company again even if there were some complications.

It would be marvel to just lounge around under the sun with a good book and just enjoy the heat of the summer burning me again. Right now, I'm really dark, almost black from last Monday's foray under the sun, from sunrise to sunset in Calatagan. My skin is peeling off, though, and I've got splotches of discolorations. I'm going to need to smoothen it out with some sunbathing.

And then I have an offer to go to Boracay with some friends on the weekend of the 20th of April and then an offer to go to Bohol on May. I want to take both but it all depends if my money comes in. Otherwise, I'm landlocked again on summer like last year (though, last year, I could afford to leave Manila but I had work up to my eyeballs so I couldn't). This time, I don't have any real obligations to stay but I can't afford it.

I also have a little secret (though, not so secret, some of you know it already) and I have to keep my schedule open should this secret actually come true and then I'm off to somewhere surreal and I can't wait. I really don't want to count my chickens yet, since the eggs haven't even been laid yet but it would be such a dream to be able to go. Yes, to the very astute and keen reader, this secret involves traveling. So there you go.

And we might get some sudden gig to zip at some event at some beach party; I've got to keep my schedule open for that as well. It's weird, for me, to not have to zip these past few days. And since my zips were accidentally placed in someone else's stuff, I haven't had anything to practice with since Monday. Funny too, since I've never wanted to practise more than now when my zips are not with me! Ironic, huh?

Yeah, well, it happens. To those out there who are enjoying the sun, the sand, the surf and the sea, I envy you. You cannot imagine how much I envy you.

(picture taken by Jezer in Cagbalete sometime Holy Week, 2002 [maybe 2003] -- Tanya, Lelei and me)

posted by wanggo @ 7:18 AM 0 comments

Wanggo in Wonderland

Skin from Movin'
And when I find my place
I'll make this stupid feeling last forever
When I find my way
Nothing left in this sick world will matter

Been having very vivid dreams lately. Usually, I can help people figure out what their dreams mean. My Dad told me something about a pyschological method of reading into dreams -- everyone in the dream is you, being represented as someone else, to show the different sides of you. You have to keep asking yourself questions until you discover what it is your dream is trying to tell you. After all, dreams are really messages from your subconscious, telling you things. I never could explain my own dreams, though. Never had that skill. I could read the Tarot for others yet never could for myself. I could give pretty good advice to friends and even strangers, but I could never give advice to myself. Weird, huh?

But these dreams have been very vivid, lately. I remember 2 involved people from High School, people I haven't met in a long time. One was vividly sexual, graphic and shameless. Another involved heavily into fantasy; the game that my brother Datu and I play once a week or so. People I haven't thought about in a long while keep popping up in my dreams and I would wake up to only want to go back to sleep again because I know that the dream, every little detail holds some important meaning -- my subconscious telling me the secrets to my own happiness.

It's a little unnerving, actually. But truth is, I'm quite happy, because in all the dreams, I've been very much myself -- extroverted, uninhibited and unafraid. Sometimes, when I realise that I'm dreaming, I become frightened, rather than courageous. I am afraid of the chaotic nature of dreams. But these past dreams, I've been very confident and holding true to myself despite the strangeness that surrounds me in them. I force myself to stay the same, to not bow down to the oddness.

It's like I fell into Wonderland and instead of asking questions, I am posing declarations and answering inquiries. There are no question marks on me. Just periods and a wry grin.

(picture taken by Morx with his P900 Sony Ericsson phone in JayC's bathroom sometime December 2003)

posted by wanggo @ 4:14 PM 0 comments

It Will All Come To Be

Wild Colonials from Heaven and Hell (written by Angela McCluskey and Scott Roewe)
Saw you again the other day
Walking into the night
"There's nothing wrong with me," you said
"Think I just saw the light."
And I tried, tried with all my might
And I tried, tried with all my might

Well, all the money I made from zipping the past few weeks have gone straight to paying for rent, my phone bills and my credit card bills. I'm not complaining, am just happy that I'm still able to keep up with my payments. It's just weird, because I was promised loads and loads of cash from my horoscope, my numerologist and everything else. Well, that's what happens when you believe in these things. Actually, I can see all the potential -- it's all there, within view. I just seem incapable of tapping into it. Like, I'm scared to, that if I tap into it, I'll lose something essential within me. Or am I just so scared of hard work? I've worked so hard to only get by this past year. I remember 2004, where I was making shit loads of money for half the work I did in 2005. 2005, I was doing real work, hard work, honest work and on something I really believed in and all it got me was tired. Nothing more, nothing less.

Am I actually scared of working hard again? Could that be it? Am I just looking for those 2 television shows that will make me rich and where I don't have to work so hard? How did I get those 2 shows, anyway? God! I really messed those up. That was a real sweet deal and it's all gone now.

But I'm really a happy person right now. I mean, I got to do everything I wanted and I got to really focus on zips, which have become an important, integral part of my life, I feel. And I wouldn't have been able to do that attached to some regular employment. The freedom I have, I am really enjoying. I just wish that people would pay on time and would pay what it is worth, you know? I wouldn't have these pangs of giving up this life. I wouldn't be thinking of looking for a part-time job.

I love this whole bohemian lifestyle, you know? I am really enjoying this. I feel very artistic and very free and it allows me to really just dream and be alive. I feel that a year of this will follow a rush to write it all down and I'd have an excellent manuscript for some non-fiction novel, you know? I feel like a year of this kind of living makes up for wonderful writing.

I'm just scared, you know? That to go back to regular employment might make me lose important opportunities that are just waiting to be grabbed. And that those opportunities don't come if I don't hold on for just a little while longer. I'll try to be patient, try to survive for just a few months more and see if I can make it work out, you know?

Truth be told, a lot of people would die to have this life, to be able to control my schedule and make money from that which you love doing. This is a privilege I'm not taking for granted. Be strong, Wanggo, be strong. You can do this. It will all come to be.

posted by wanggo @ 8:02 PM 2 comments

of children and good days

Tom Stoppard
We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once watered our eyes.

DC and Berna commented on my one day that I actually found myself dealing with children. Truth be told, Saturday was a much better time than Sunday. Some of the students of Saturday came back to learn more and it was nice to see some of the children take it really seriously. Some of the kids were just brats, not respecting the fact I was teaching a different kid something else, they'd try to get my attention and try to get me to focus on them. It was so "me! me! me!" and I was getting really annoyed. This time round, with more energy and a restful sleep behind me, I found my energy levels reaching their natural point and I wanted to strangle them with my zips. One particularly hopeless case of a 6 year old kept wanting to learn moves yet she didn't focus or concentrate or listen to anything I was telling her. She thought she could watch me do it once and then she could mimic it but it doesn't work that way. She didn't work hard enough for it but I think she was able to get her mom to buy her a pair. Paolo was doing much better, it seems. The kids like him a lot. He appears to have a lot of patience for them and works very hard to make sure they get the move done. But I know it must've been very hard for him, him having ADHD and all. We both were pretty sure we would never end up teaching zips. We're performers. My respect for Paulino, Mikko, Migui and Lorraine has just increased ten folds knowing that they are good teachers.

Today, I'm as dark as coal as I've been under the heat of the sun in a beach in Batangas from sunrise to sunset, literally. It was wonderful. I haven't been to the beach since Boracay when I went for the New Year. Caliraya is a lake, not a beach. More on that trip some other time. I'm tired. Been out the whole day and I've been zipping and swimming in the very cold water and hanging out with really good people.

Life is good. We don't throw anything away.

posted by wanggo @ 1:14 AM 0 comments

Tiesto, old friends and a bazaar filled with kids

Jean Reno from the UPS ad
You must never stop climbing.

I was extremely bothered Friday night because our celebrity zipper who got us a gig at Tiesto was quite difficult to work with. It would have been great to have just gone in, do our thing and then go. But no, there was so much hullabaloo over nothing. Absolutely nothing. She is a rather tiring and exhausting woman and she didn't do anything for my mood that night. So, twice, I went up beside Tiesto and zipped my heart's content beside the best DJ in the world for 3 consecutive years. He was amazing. He kept bringing the music up and up and you keep thinking this is where it peaks and he'll bring it down, but you're wrong, he just brings it higher. It was amazing.

Afterwards, I went to sleep at a friend's house in Makati. Actually, he's an old friend, a very close friend and in a way, this sleep over became more of a return to old ways -- but of course, different. We are both different people now and we've both grown and we are ready and wanting to get back to the days of before. I met a lot of his new friends and had a grand, grand time. One of the best I've had in years.

I slept in his condo in Makati because the following day, early, I had to be at the Manila Polo club for a bazaar. With most of the Planetzips guys at the Levi's Freedom to Move sports camp, they needed someone to stay at the bazaar with Karen, superfriend of Planetzips. I was free and later on, Paolo Soler joined me. It was really hot and I was lacking sleep so I just ended up sitting on the chair waiting for more people when Paolo decided that it was now or never and began zipping. That's when the kids began to flock to our booth. I then taught the kids one move to do and see if they could be qualified for a raffle ticket to win a pair of free zips.

Later on, one lady was waiting for her dad who was talking to Paolo, who he recognized as a surfer, so I asked the young girl if she wanted to learn more moves. She said "yes." So I started teaching her some basic moves and her younger sister comes along and begins trying it out too. Then later on, more and more children start coming along and we end up running out of training zips. So Paolo arrives to take away some of the kids from me, making my job easier. From 2pm to 6pm, Paolo and I had about 4-6 kids each, teaching them moves, while a couple of more children stood nearby, waiting for a turn or hoping their parents will get them one.

It was exhausting, but you know what? I was having a blast! I was proud of myself for having been able to break down the moves and teach it to a young kid. I was happy to see the kids so happy getting the move and then trying it out again and again. Some kids were naturals while others didn't get the principle of it. Some kids were just too young and couldn't focus, while others were very eager and tried very hard.

I didn't think I had it in me, really, to teach, to teach children and to enjoy teaching children. One particularly eager and well coordinated child, Jean-Luca (I think that's how you spell his name) had learned about 8 moves within that period. He was particularly easy to teach and a joy to instruct because he wanted to learn it so badly and he really tried.

At one point, I excused myself to get some water since I was parched, and as I found myself quickly hurrying back, I saw the Manila Polo club field 4 children zipping in front of Paolo while he was zipping as well and the 4 children who were waiting for me to come back, zipping out and trying to get the move. Coloured ribbons flying all over the air in different speeds and height and the joy of so many kids and their parents -- what a way to spend your Saturday, huh? And here I am, thinking I'm this big monster who hates children.

I'm actually so excited because the bazaar is on-going until today and I'm off now to teach more moves to the kids of yesterday and to teach to the new kids arriving today.

posted by wanggo @ 9:23 AM 4 comments