Indulgence

liberation

Hole from Awful (written by Courtney Love, Eric Erlandson, Melissa Auf de Maur and Patty Schemel)
If the world is so wrong
You can take it all with just one song

I was in a curious mood last night. Very curious. I was a little off during zips class but I'm guessing it was because it was a very long day. I got very little sleep and then woke up early to help out my Dad, setting up a little workshop session with 2 big stars who wanted his help to let them be more comfortable for each other since they are going to be lovers in a movie they are shooting. But I couldn't help out for the whole session, had to leave for Manila for a meeting with a client. After that, I went to Glorietta to watch the Metro and Metro Him fashion show at Rustan's. I saw Cat there and we had dinner where I had the most enjoyable time with the extreme added bonus of seeing Michelle and Pam Pascual. I love Michelle and I miss that girl horribly and horrendously. We hugged and kissed and really caught up for lost time. Afterwards, I went to zips class and then to Jay's house where I watched the first disc of Will and Grace season 1.

I had a crazy inclination last night. I don't know if it were brought about taking swigs from the bottle of wine that Tals brought or if it came from the admission to Amanda that I've decided to start making a turn-around. I told her, I'm not down anymore and she was so happy she gave me a hug. Or maybe it has something to do with spending a lovely time at the fashion show with Cat, talking about the stuff we did (sorry, cannot disclose). Maybe it had something to do with the elation that things are going to be better and that I was just so filled with emotion and weightlessness that I decided to just do stupid things.

Started texting and saying the most outrageous things. Jay told me not to do it since he knows me. He said I'll enjoy it now but will regret it the next day. I told him I didn't care and I wanted to do it. And I did and I got no response from people. Well, from some but not all. The ones who responded were also the real texts, not the outrageous ones. Jay started laughing at me, of course no one is going to reply, it's 1 am! Well, he has a point. But I liked that feeling of not caring, of not giving a damn and doing what I liked. For that one moment, I had no dignity nor did I have any fear of the repercussions and it's very liberating. I felt so free that moment.

The next day I began texting, trying to see if I offended anyone or what. I apologized and then went on with the day.

There is just something so free-ing about having one moment where I can consciously just do as I feel. I'm just so thankful for that moment and for the moment I had to be able to fix up any ruffled feathers. I know that I shouldn't think I'll always get away with it nor do I intend to do something like that again. It was just nice to be able to have that moment at this point of time. It allowed me to let my hair down and take a breath of relief.

Things aren't all that bad after all.

posted by wanggo @ 12:35 PM 0 comments

putting on my game face

As texted to me by my Dad
Creativity is unusual stuff. It frightens. It deranges. It's subversive. It mistrusts what it hears. It dares to doubt. It provokes. It acts. Even if it errs.

I'm putting on my game face again. This time I'm tackling all the projects I've got. I'm getting there, to that point of focus again. There'll be nothing but work for me. No more distractions. No more moping around.

Found out recently that a contest I joined didn't even get me into the short-list. It was a writing contest, naturally. Decided to use my skills to figure out how well I did. That way, if I got bad news, I can just throw it in with the rest of the bad news of June. If it was good news, I could say that things are finally looking up. Well, it was bad news. Just more bad news from the month of June... But it's also a wake up call for me. I need to brush up on my personal writing, the writing I do for myself. I'm not as tight or clean or as good as I was back in college when I was going through workshop classes in writing and I was constantly surrounded by inspiring and inspired people. I could feed off from them and from my mentor's who were always encouraging yet firm in their guidance. I got to do it for myself now. And if I can write really good film scripts, then the rest should follow. I just have to tap into that younger self that absorbed things like a sponge.

I'm dead certain that there's no where else to go but up. Ben asked me the other day, so you've had a terrible June, huh? Is July going to be better? I then responded, it's gotta be! It can't get any worse. If it did get any worse, I'd be on the streets! Probably an exaggeration but it really can't get any worse. And the only way to make sure it doesn't is to get out of the funk I'm in.

So I've gotten rid of some expectations -- from the world and from myself. Ben and the rest of the gang at Tuldok Animations call my lifestyle The Bohemian Lifestyle and while there are elements of my life that follow it, I could be more bohemian, more liberal. Maybe I should return to that sort of thing. Maybe I should go back to that frame of mind; when I wasn't so stuck up over certain things. I was more loose. I was more free. I put certain standards to myself which didn't really do me any good. In fact, it made things worse.

No more of that. At the end of the day, anyway, the people who matter don't care. As long as I'm not hurting anyone and that I'm happy, their happy. And putting up those ideals didn't do me any good and hasn't made me a better person. In fact, I got more restless, more distracted, more lost.

So none of that now. More bohemian. Put the game face on. July is going to be different.

posted by wanggo @ 5:08 AM 0 comments

analysis of the retreat

Winston Churchill
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

My Dad's here for a short while. Some business he has to attend to. Found out we've been having the same string of unfortunate events. From April to June, my Dad and I have been sorely depressed. Things haven't been going our way. As he arrived today, we kept talking about all the things we've learned in the three months of moping and acting out against the world. Where my Dad lashes out and gets angry, finding himself with very little patience, I retreat into a small, little world where no one can come in.

It's funny, you know? How, back in college and a few years after that, I've somehow built a persona that made people run to me for advice or comfort. I'm the one who people find refuge with. Or, I'm the guy people hang out with for some fun. People like my company, I've been told. When I had my moments of weakness before, I had always been told to snap out of it! We're not used to seeing you like this. And no matter how I was feeling inside, I'd have to be the usual funny-guy, always reliable, trustworthy Wanggo that people know and love.

So it's become almost immediate that when I'm not myself -- if I'm down and depressed and confused about everything, I retreat from the world. I don't show myself except to a very select few. Unfortunately, that select few don't include anyone in my family. I retreat even from them and they don't like it. As my brother has said when he gave me a good talking-down to last week, You're sweet when you want to be but when you're like this, you're a real ass. Fair enough.

My Dad's here and we're both getting out of our deep funk and it's funny that we are both here, talking about it. It's not a lot of people's month, really and then now, Mercury has to run into retrograde. Whoopee-doo-dah! But I am getting out of it, smiling easier now and spending time with my family and becoming a little bit more congenial again. I got through this by watching 2 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. My Dad saw this video of a guy who was shouting and shouting because of this utter helplessness and powerlessness that he was feeling. He could relate and realised that it doesn't solve anything nor will it make anything better.

That's how the cookie crumbles. Life is really messy. It helps to know that we're not alone.

posted by wanggo @ 8:40 PM 0 comments

getting back to before

as texted by Darwin
I've realized that life is indeed full of contradictions. Sometimes it's crazy to be sane, you need to fall to fly, people suffer because you care, you have to unlearn to know the lesson, you have to give up because you are strong, you have to be wrong to make things right. Nonetheless, life's complexities are also life's source of beauty. We should cry to laugh again, fall apart to be whole again and get hurt to love again.

I got the new Nelly Furtado album Loose and it is quite good. Funny, coming from me, to think that most of the album was produced by Timbaland and has a very strong R&B/hip-hop feel which, anyone who knows me, is not my favourite of musical genres. But I like Nelly Furtado and I like Loose a lot. I can definitely dance to it.

I also got to see The New World with Collin Farrel, Christopher Plummer and Christian Bale. It's a beautiful film. Much like many of Terence Malick's films, The New World progresses slowly and is wonderfully shot but be patient because the story is unbelievably beautiful. I was very much moved by it. Malick just breaks down the whole experience of exploration and the exploration of something new then he twists it around. And the metaphorical exploration is just... oh God! It's such a good film. I could go on and on.

I tried to quit smoking. I had quit smoking for 2 days before I got back into the habit. That was 2 days of quitting with cheating. I had 2 sticks on each day. How's that for willpower? Ha Ha Ha Guess it wasn't really the best time to go and try and quit smoking.

Throwing myself back at work again. Went a little stir-crazy because of love (or to be more precise, the lack of it). My brother gave me a good talking down to; and though I noticed that there was so much he didn't understand about what I was going through, truth be told, it's because I wasn't being open to him. I just wasn't around. He didn't have a choice.

I was telling my friend Migui that we know how much he wants to help us out and be there for us but he had to give us a chance to be a friend and to take care of him too. It couldn't always be him taking care of us. A relationship is two-way; you get taken care of and you take care back. Accepting the help and love and concern of your friend is your duty as a friend just as helping, loving and being concerned for their welfare is part of your duty. I got caught by myself, being a hypocrite, for telling that to Migui when I wasn't doing that with my brother, of all people.

There was a lesson I learned before in a club, of all places, that life gets easier when you just accept. Submit. It is beyond our control, what gets thrown in our way but we can control ourselves. I let myself be a victim to the ravages of the world and truth be told, we all go through hard times. Some worse than others. I'm embarrassed but at least I still have a chance to make things better now.

I'm smiling again.

posted by wanggo @ 3:38 AM 0 comments

wanting and not getting and wanting too much

Jellaludim Rumi
Wind, and a tree gently waving. Remembrance and the heart -- leaves tremble.

There are ups and downs in life. There are moments when it is just the most amazing thing to be alive -- the exhiliration of happiness and joy and bliss when you're having a really good day or when you've just accomplished something wonderfully hard and fulfilling or when you are just having a simple day. And then there is the flipside -- those moments when you can't believe how the day is going, how everything just seems to not go your way and nothing can cheer you up because there is no reason to, things are just bad and ugly and messy.

But that's life. It comes with the territory of being able to feel and having a normal human experience. Sometimes it rains when you're walking down the street, going to a meeting and you can't find a shade or a cab or a jeep to take you to where you want to. Sometimes the checks never come and sometimes people are out of reach. But you cannot say that there were days when everything came like clockwork or when they were messy, all the answers came to you as fast as a bolt of lightning. Those moments when there is nothing wrong with the world and you could say that you have not a problem in the world.

We could try to wish there were more of the latter than the former. But these things are not in our control, has never been in our control. We never had control. Getting through life has always been about how well we can weather the storm and how well we can react to what life throws at us, and later on, how well we can take what we have been given -- good or bad, and turn it to our favour. Sometimes it is really easy and sometimes, it just seems impossible.

I'm reminded of a Garbage song, The Trick is to Keep Breathing. Yeah, that's it, really. The trick is to keep breathing, the trick is to keep moving on, the trick is to do what you need to do to get by and if you find yourself doing crazy things, make sure that you haven't hurt anyone in the way and apologize to those who you may have hurt as you are trying to get by. Because I find it hard to believe that you are going through this world with no one loving you, concerned and worrying for you. And sometimes, these people are the ones we don't really notice, are the ones you ignore as you mope in the darkness asking why everything is so fucked up.

KT Tunstall from Other Side of the World (written by KT Tunstall and Martin Terefe)
On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

I've fall in love with Grey's Anatomy and it is probably my favourite show on Earth right now. I've finished watching the first 2 seasons and I just immediately related to Meredith Grey and company but most of all with Meredith Grey and how dificult it is to focus on trying to just do everything right and still try and get what you want.

I am just amazed how the writers of the show seem to be talking to me in every episode they write. They reach to me, speak to me in particular and all of a sudden, the answers come in very clearly. I find myself unable to turn the DVD player off, crying after every second or third episode and my emotions toyed with as every plot turn twists and every line uttered.

In the end, I realise that a lot of my problems stem from the fact that there is so much that I want. It's the wanting and the not getting that really got to me, that threw me into the depressed stupor that I am in... that I'm getting out of. The only reason that it was easy for me to be with Jay and company and the Planetzips crew is that everything I want from them I get or they give me. I don't feel the pain of wanting and not getting. With everybody else, it seems that there is still something I'm not getting and it could be from something oblique to that person -- not necessarily something I want from them but they remind me of it, of one of those many things I'm not getting. And I couldn't deal. I just couldn't handle it.

Yeah, I realised all of this from watching Grey's Anatomy and I thought I'd understand it from reading a book or the poetry of Rumi or listening to music but this time around, I got this revelation from a television show. I don't know why I find that really funny.

Sheryl Crow from Where Has All the Love Gone (written by Sheryl Crow and Jeff Trott)
Sometimes the world's a scary ride
It's hard to hand on
Along the way we got off track
Now, if we turn around
Could we ever get back?

I didn't mind wanting too much before because I like feeling alive. It was important to me, important for me to feel like I am alive because otherwise it wouldn't make any sense, to be here and not feel anything. My feelings justify me, justify my existence. I'm not letting go of that. It is the reason why I got so hurt and I was thrown to the floor -- because I allowed myself to feel too much and when it seemed that everything I wanted I wasn't going to get, I just crumbled, I just fell apart.

The trick is to keep breathing. The trick is to keep moving on. The trick is to do everything you can to get by, as long as you don't hurt others along the way. The trick is to not want too much at any one moment and when the hurt starts to learn how to roll with the punches or to take it like a man or if not, cry and grieve and then let it go.

I've almost let this whole month be consumed by this anger, this bitterness. If I go through my blog, I'm sure I'll discover it was for much longer than that. I'm not going to forget it but I'm going to let it go. I'm going to keep breathing. I'm going to move on. I'm going to get by and not hurt others along the way. I'm going to continue to want things and when I don't get them, cry and grieve, roll with the punch and take it like a man. That's all there is really left to do.

Pick up the pieces and move on. I'm pretty good at that.

posted by wanggo @ 5:57 PM 2 comments

can't cry anymore

Sheryl Crow from Can't Cry Anymore (written by Sheryl Crow and Bill Bottrell)
Wouldn't it be good if we could hop a flight to anywhere
So long to this life
So much for pretending
Bad luck's never-ending

Slept through my alarm again. Hopelessly late for a meeting. Got it anyway. Lots of awkward smiles and uneasy looks. Got the job and I ran straight home. From Makati to San Juan. Right as I hit San Juan, the bright sunny day was immediately exchanged for a really powerful downpour. As in, not just cats and dogs, goats and pigs! It was raining goats and pigs.

I was stuck under the shade of a condominium with 8 other people, all waiting for the rain to go away. I was stuck there for a good 30 minutes. That's 30 minutes of my time that was gone forever.

Fucking shit. I sincerely wanted to cry. How could life get any more difficult? I don't know. But I know it can. And I'm just holding on with as much humour is left in me to throw out. Assault all this madness with humour -- be it biting, sarcastic and jaded; at least I can still make people laugh.

How do people do it? Live life day-to-day, constantly being beaten down by invisible clubs and their bruises are never seen but for those unguarded moments when they stare into space and there is no calm, no serenity behind their eyes. They just stare into space. Gone. Somewhere better. Somewhere where reality does not exist.

I almost cried in the rain as I walked home but the tears just wouldn't fall.

I'm sick of all this complaining. I ain't coming back here to write unless it's good fucking news.

posted by wanggo @ 5:33 PM 0 comments

getting desperate, getting angry

Fiona Apple from Better Version of Me (written by Fiona Apple)
Oh, after all the folderol
And hauling over coals stops
What will I do?

I find myself getting more and more desperate here as people still refuse to pay up and my finances are dwindling down and I'm wondering where the hell am I suppose to get the money to pay for things? Whine, whine, bitch, complain and moan. It's the song of the day, it's the song that's on the top of the charts. I'm getting really tired of it, you know?

One big time ad agency owes me 20k for something that is already said and done, used up and thrown out and probably will never once again see the light of day. Oh, you know what's worse? This same big time ad agency handling super big clients and all still owes a recording/sound studio over 1.5 million pesos from work that was done since the start of the year. I know a lot of models and photographers who still have payments pending from this big time ad agency that has affiliates all over the world, main office somewhere in the United States of America. How the hell can they have the gall to green light a project if they can't even pay on time. It's not like they don't have the money since the client has already paid them. What is their excuse? I have no idea and it can be shot down at every syllable, because work was done, you pay up.

My former company also is screwing with me, not giving me my paycheck for the hours I put in for them when I was there. The lady at the finance department suffered a miscarriage and wasn't able to handle my accounting. So they are passing it over to somebody else now to take charge of it and I'll be expecting the check next week. That's if I'm not in the streets, assholes! Well, fine, I should be sad for the girl and I am. No one has to lose a child in such a manner. And there's no way I'll be on the streets next week. But this is the second employee in 2 months to have a miscarriage in that office. I wonder how the hell do they think they can get away with treating their employees this way? Fucking bastards!!!

And I have a client who demands speed and haste, receives the script for comments and disappears for 3 weeks and all of a sudden comes back with all her comments and expects us to just sit up and work on it as if we don't have other things to do. Wanna hear the punch line? During pre-prod she kept saying that I don't want this to be like any other corporate AVP, I want this like a commercial, hip, young, casual and informal. That's what she said. After disappearing for 3 weeks without any feedback, no mention of the changes in schedule, she returns, saying her major comment is that she wants it to come out more formal. Now what do you say to that? What a fucking bitch!

Today I was asked to go to a final casting. I got the call at 1:30pm. I was suppose to be at the final casting at 2pm. Now isn't that great? Yeah, like I sit at home and wait by the phone for you to ring. What bastards!

I swear to God I'm really losing my patience. My Dad told me to wait, be patient, something's gonna give and I've been waiting and I'm really losing hope. Nothing is giving, Dad. I'm getting poorer and poorer and I'm living from hand to mouth and it's not funny and it's not what I was expecting to be doing at 27. I'm seriously thinking of giving up the great bohemian dream and really just swallowing my pride and taking a fucking day job and just be one of the herd.

Sorry, very judgemental of me. There's nothing wrong with having a regular job. It's just not for me. Taking one will make me extremely unhappy. I've done it, it's happened -- it was a very ugly sight. I don't know how long I have to wait. I'm just working and working and working and no one seems to care. Well (insert fucking client's name here) or (insert big time agency's name here) or (insert former employer's name here) don't seem to care enough to pay. They cared enough when they needed something from me but now that they got it, it seems, they can take whatever God damned time they want to pay me. It's just not fair.

And you know what is more unfair? The fact that I'm probably not going to be around when karma bites them in the butt. I'd love to see them get ruined for the way they treat people -- but I'll probably never get to see it. I'm never that lucky.

posted by wanggo @ 7:40 PM 2 comments

Full Moon in Samar

John Updike
Celebrity is a mask that eats into the face.

I just got back from Samar today. I was with the Planetzips crew and we had major fun. We were all, at one point, drunk and smashed. The resort we were in, The Surf Camp at Calicoan beach in Eastern Samar was a lovely, lovely place but it was sorta empty since the waves haven't come in and June, being typhoon season, kept it down to minimum guests. We were practically alone our whole stay. Or at least, if we wanted privacy, we had it.

Samar is a beautiful province. Lots of green scenery -- foliage and trees and beautiful sights to behold. We landed in Tacloban airport and had to take a rather long drive to the resort but it was worth it. We had to go on the San Juanico bridge and it is impressive. It's a huge bridge and it turns in the middle! What an amazing sight! I never saw a bridge that actually curved. Later on, we passed another bridge, much, much smaller but it's view was just amazing! We saw the ocean and a huge rock with a cave and the blue, blue water just sparkling. Suffice to say, it was a photo-op for all of us!

We saw mangroves on the way and all kinds of trees. It was just lovely.

We spun fire at night. We drank and some of us pigged-out! Lors, Migui, Tals, Paulino, Amanda and Paolo got to surf. Tals, Migui, Cat and I really worked hard on our tans. For Lors, tanning, apparently, comes as easily as breathing, so she didn't have to work too hard for it. We drank some more. Others slept at the weirdest hours. Paulino and I got some reading in, as did Cat. Paolo and Paulino caught up with old friends as did Tals and Cat. Some of us got caught in the rain while Tals and I got sick. Tals and I got to bond with Migui and we all celebrated Amanda's birthday. Oh yeah, did I mention we went drinking?

And it was a lovely full moon night for the three nights we were there. It hung high in the sky illuminating the whole evening, it looked like it was morning, even if it were still midnight or 1 in the morning. Everything was in a shade of blue because of the bright luminescence of the full moon. It was just lovely. Of course, the flip-side were all the rain clouds and the lightning that flashed brightly illuminating the moment for but a brief second before fading away back into darkness. That was nice too.

I had a great time with great, amazing people whom I have grown to love as a family. The Planetzips people are really some of the best people on Earth and I'm so glad to be a part of their group. I had a wonderful time in Samar and I may be sick now and paying for it in the next few weeks, but the truth is, I'm so much happier now for that experience and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

posted by wanggo @ 11:01 PM 1 comments

some thoughts before leaving for the beach!

as texted to me by my Dad
For all the fine talk about Christian charity and the evils of wealth, there's always the idea behind it that anyone who's poor has done something to deserve it.

I'm off to Samar in a bit. Going to hang out at Jay's place for a bit and then meet up with the gang as they watch the World Cup in some bar. Not really my thing, the World Cup but hell, I'm game to just soak in the energy before we leave.

Been a busy day, really, coming from a press conference and then a concept meeting for a television show I'll be writing for. I like the way it's going: I like the show, the concept, the host and how I've positioned myself in the team. It's going to be a while before it starts to pay up but when it does, it will be a big turn around for me.

It's all about weathering the ups and downs of life, you know? I guess some people have more ups than downs and vice-versa. It's just cause I can't seem to focus or really find that right path to where it is I want to go. But then again, who does know the right path one has to take to make it towards their dreams. And even if you do know the right path, there will always be things that will lead you astray to take a different one.

It's only if you know how to enjoy getting lost and finding your way back again that you can truly enjoy this life. But then, that's the bohemian in me talking.

I just can't wait to feel the sand on my feet and spinning fire with the rest of the Planetzips crew again. We had a gig yesterday and I still haven't had enough. I just love their vibe and energy.

Next week, I got a date with Berna and Bel and some friends from NMI and that's bound to be fun. We're going to watch a play. Fun! Fun! Fun! And then I've got a date with The Spa and finally make use of that gift certificate. More writing in the future already planned and a whole life ahead of me.

I may not be at my best, financially, but I'm certainly at my best experiencially... I wouldn't trade it for the world.

posted by wanggo @ 9:41 PM 0 comments

2 kinds of people (and the third, less savory)

Marie Frank from Save a Little Love (written by Marie Frank and Jacob Eriksen)
I'll draw the curtains on a day gone by
I'll keep my shades on when I'm in bed at night
'Cause whenever I lay down my guard I find
I'm invaded by people who rob me blind

I have been blessed with a lovely group of friends who really like my company enough to help pitch in to make sure I get to go with them to Samar, on our group's outing. How can one argue with that? I've never been to Samar and I want to. What loveable people!

Considering the fact that I've gone to Boracay with all expenses paid for, pay anytime I can, last summer. And this is a different group of friends, mind you. They just wanted me to be there. Boracay won't be complete or as much fun without you, I was told.

It is so wonderful to be wanted, to be needed. I think about all those times, before, when I was left behind, for no real reason. I remember back in college, how my circle of friends stop showing up and seeing me because I graduated and worked in school and had my own office. They could never say why they never visited me or never hung out in my office, when it was more comfortable and more private than our organization's office. I even remember how one of them got sorta mad and told on me to an older friend in the circle. He came to me in the office and told me her thoughts which I quickly shot down. I have a job now, I can't just keep going to the Malate office to see them. They can, of course, come here and see me. But I don't know why they don't want to, no matter how many times I've offered. So don't tell me I've got a problem, it's them who do, I said. The message was quickly related to the person with the grievance and she decided to talk to me and she began to cry as she realised I wasn't avoiding them, it was they who avoided me. After a week, nothing happened. My old circle of friends continued with their lives, not passing by for me, not looking for me and not taking advantage of the fact that we had a great hang out in school. That benefit was picked up by Jay and Morx and company and a new chapter in my life began.

I guess some people just grow apart and I don't mind that. But what I couldn't stand was the fact that they tried to put the blame on me. I just want it on record -- they left me. A friend gate crashed a party I had with another friend, found his way to the hidden condominium unit and stood at the lobby and didn't move until he was brought up just to say his piece. He felt better knowing that his side was given a voice but it solved nothing, changed nothing. It didn't explain my former circle of friends' side at all. Just made them more infuriating -- trying desperately to say their piece but the point being, they still didn't make any effort to bridge the new gap that was formed by my graduating and my new responsibilities. I tried, told them to spend their time in my office, as students were perfectly allowed to. They refused.

What made things worse was that they had said somethings that made it appear that I moved away from them. It's called growing up, graduation, getting a job. Let's all adjust, right? I guess it was too much for them.

But that's okay. I moved on and I found a group of people who wanted me to be with them and no matter what situation I got myself into, they made an effort to see me and vice-versa. Wanting to see each other was a mutual thing.

Marie Frank from Save a Little Love (written by Marie Frank and Jacob Eriksen)
I won't be as generous as I was before
Too little left to go around once more
I've been blowing it off being far too kind
I just opened my heart and they bleed me dry
I'll save a little love for myself this time

Now someone I like is using me only when it is convenient to do so. But on an ordinary day, there is no attempt to spend time with me. Coffee? Forget it, person has better things to do but if the person needs company, especially when substances has been used and good company is really needed, boy! ain't I the one to call? Why do I bother? Why do I even bother?

And then there's the fantastic group of people who want me regardless of the situation. Jay, Rex, Che, Len, Morx, Naira and Dave and the rest of the gang; dinners in Makati, shopping, talking about the exciting beginning of a business and an industry we have always brushed up against and now they are throwing themselves in it. Growing up and discovering what this world has to offer for the youthful with so much energy and love of life.

And then the Planetzips crew, Cat, Paolo, Paulino, Amanda, Lors, Tals, Migui, Kage, Mikko, Tessa and the rest -- with our passion for poi dancing and spinning fire without batting an eyelash. Our love for adventure and travel, the beach and laughter. Growing up and discovering what this world has to offer for the youthful with so much energy and love of life.

Sometimes, I wonder why I even get myself into these stupid situations with people when the answer is so clear before me. I can be so dumb sometimes!

posted by wanggo @ 11:46 AM 0 comments

bubble wrap

Natalie Imbruglia from Intuition (written by Natalie Imbruglia, Phil Thornalley and Dave Munday)
Should have turned left
But I turned right
And I ended up here
And I feel alright

Strange and funny how bubble wrap can make everything just so right; how bubble wrap has this consistently calming effect on one's sanity. It was great to just pop and pop that bubble wrap while lying in bed, smoking a cigarette in my free hand as my head just pounded and pounded.

Been a busy day, as I had been all over the city, practically. Been on the MRT twice, going to the farthest of stations (Taft and the other one was the second farthest at Quezon Avenue). It was for work, thankfully and it helped keep my mind off of things. Some things that have become just more and more bothersome. More information has come in, and from the strangest of places. My friend hasn't been all that forthcoming; some information has been left in the dark. You know how it is with darkness -- fungus grows there. Most sane people would have dropped the subject long ago; unfortunately, I'm not sane. I'm kinda pissed about it and really willing to start trouble -- but decided against it. Let it play out. In the end, I'm not going to be the loser, as long as I keep away from this as much as possible. There's been too much emotion spent on this whole fiasco as it is.

My problem is I hold on too tightly. I don't know how to let go. Funny, since I'm not at all a sentimental person.

Pop, pop, pop. More of the little dots on the bubble wrap go to bubble wrap heaven. Getting it out of my system.

Saw the Mall of Asia and it is huge and rather impressive. Well, scratch that... I meant to say that the part of Mall of Asia that I did see was impressive. I didn't walk around like I would've wanted to. I just saw a bit of one wing. It was pretty big. Must be a place for further exploration on my part.

Traffic is getting bad. First time to try and get on the MRT from Taft station during rush hour. It was unbelievably bad; all that pushing and shoving. There was a line made to separate the people who were going up the MRT and the people going down the MRT and there were still some assholes who insisted going counter-flow! Going counter-flow! It was such a piss off.

Pop, pop, pop. More of those little dots going to bubble wrap heaven.

Oh yeah, my phone got redirected since I forgot to pay my bills. People texting me and me, poor little poor ol' me, unable to text back. The frustration of it all. I forgot to pay the bill! My bad! And now, while I have no cash because my former clients -- Coke, hasn't paid us yet. Yeah, I wrote an AVP for Coke last March and they probably used it already and their sales conference is already over but they still haven't paid us yet. But one cannot complain, since, apparently that's industry practice. If you won't adhere to that, then they'll just drop you, there'll be some other guy willing to wait for kingdom come for them to pay up. Hey! After all, they're a multi-national, regional company that makes millions of pesos/dollars a day. God knows it's going to really affect their whole accounting system to pay up for services that were rendered.

It makes me wonder about poor models too, you know? The commercial or print ad gets aired, the material is being used and the model can't get any job that is from a rival company or product and yet they can get away with not paying the model for 5 or 6 months. How does one get away with that?

Pop, pop, POP! Bubble wrap is almost gone. So many things one has to deal with in this life. I'm surprised there are still sane people in this world.

posted by wanggo @ 9:11 PM 0 comments

Things that made me go "Hmmm..." today

Natalie Imbruglia from Sunlight (written by Natalie Imbruglia and Gary Clark)
Today we don't know who we are

Today, I arrived late at the bank. Couldn't wake up at 11am as I had planned because Dad left the air conditioner on. I had slept late the night before, but earlier than usual, because I had every intention to make it to the bank and deposit my check. I really need the cash to pay my brother. Nope, it didn't happen. Not this time. I got there and it was exactly 3pm and the bank just closed and they wouldn't sneak me in. Truth be told, I didn't even try, really. So their clock was 5 minutes earlier than mine. Can't argue with that. They follow their time, not mine.

So I stayed home and worked on some articles and had a very interesting chat with Raab, a friend of mine who is now living in Davao. Opened up an interesting alternative, which I didn't know existed. The type that made me go Hmmm... So of course, I went Hmmm... and a plan began brewing in my head. The plan only works if everything that was offered in the past 2 weeks pushes through. If it does, then the plan begins.

Had dinner with my Dad. It is his last night tonight and then, in about 30 minutes, I'll be taking him to the airport. It was brief and we didn't get to talk much like we usually do. He had a lot of work and I was barely at home. He sat me down during dinner and told me that he wanted to talk to me about my work ethic but couldn't because he had no right. He said that he was just as messed up and lost as I am now when he was my age. He was just worried about how little sleep I get to do and how scattered I've been, working on some many projects at the same time but then, he was just the same when he was 27 (of course, he thought I was still 23. I told him I was 27 and he was like shocked, mouth agape and wide-eyed). He wanted to talk to me about so many things that he felt needed some mature guidance but the truth of the matter is, he was just the same at my age. So what he did was he told me that I should just be patient, work it out and to take care of myself. If I keep digging I'll get there. If I keep working at it, something will give soon. I told him that it is usually me and he said, well, now I'm telling you not to give up this time.

Natalie Imbruglia from Sunlight (written by Natalie Imbruglia and Gary Clark)
Too many times we let the things we feel
Get in the way of letting us heal the wounds
That open in the dark

I decided to figure some things out on my own, texted the friend and ended up with more stuff that just seemed to baffle me. Called up Jay to get some bearings and unfortunately, I heard some things I didn't want to hear. Never ask questions you aren't prepared to hear the answers to, I always say. I should've listened to my own advice. Eventually, Morx heard the story and gave me a call so that he can give me a reality check; more like a reality slap, if you ask me. But I need those every now and then.

I just wanted it so badly, I guess and the mind works its wonders. That's what is so dangerous with a hyper-active imagination that is not limited by reality -- an imagination that can truly bend reality despite all the clues and hints towards a certain direction: you can just ignore all of that and still imagine it to be the way you want it to be. I can be my own worse enemy.

Happily enough, I was at Valle Verde 1 again, spinning fire with the Planetzips gang and had a marvelous time. This was the second straight night of zipping for us (3 consecutive nights for Paolo, Cat, Paulino and myself) and though I was physically tired, I am never emotionally or mentally tired to zip. In fact, for a moment, I totally forgot what was happening around me and I loved it. I was able to push myself to another level, I think, tonight and I got a compliment from Cat which really encouraged me to try harder and harder.

At this point, of all the work I've put out this year, zipping has been the most satisfactory. I got paid on time, the work in itself was just fantastic, the people I zip with are just so cool, the work was very much appreciated and I get to go to the most interesting of places for it. How lucky could I be, right? Now if only I could do it more often.

Natalie Imbruglia from That Day (written by Natalie Imbruglia and Patrick Leonard)
That day, that day
What a mess, what a marvel
We're all the same
And no one thinks so
And it's okay
And I'm small and I'm divine
And it's beautiful
And it's coming
And it's already here
And it's absolutely perfect

posted by wanggo @ 2:19 AM 1 comments

Jewel is singing what's in my heart...

as texted to me by my Dad
When people walk away from you let them go. Your destiny is not tied to anybody who leaves you. It doesn't mean they're bad people, just that their part in the story is over.

My previous post has been on my mind. Can't get it out of my system just yet. It will be the subject of my whining for a few days more. Lately, I've been listening to Fiona Apple to help me get that angry, vengeful person to speak up and get mad. I wanted to give this anger a voice and maybe slap some people back to Earth because they're flying too high without a care for other people, namely, me.

But lately, there are some songs on Good Bye Alice in Wonderland that have been striking a cord. Here they are, saying things that are rumbling in my heart.

Again and Again (words by Jewel Kilcher and music by Jewel Kilcher and John Shanks)
Listen dear, I need you to hear I cannot disappear. I've tried again and again and again and again. I know we said that we'd give up, said we'd had enough again and again and again and again but you, you're always on my mind. It's like this all the time, say it's cause you're mine all mine. And if you will, I will, try to let it go. And if you try, I'll try. Try to let it show us the way. Cause love is here to stay. Just look me in the eye this is do or die. I will not say enough till you say enough. There is no giving in, there is no givin' up on love. Walk down the street stare at a lot of things that pass in steady streams, again and again and again and again. Do what I should try to stay busy your face is all I see, again and again and again and again but you, you're always on my mind, it's like this all the time, say it's cause you're mine, all mine. Like a movie I once saw, in the darkness I recall feeling the beauty and the pain like when you call my name, say you feel the same.

Good Day (words by Jewel Kilcher and music by Jewel Kilcher, Greg Wells and Kara DioGuardi)
I say to myself, self, why are you awake again? I'ts one a.m. standin' with the fridge wide open, starin'. Such a sight, florescent light -- the stars are bright -- might make a wish if I believed in that shit but as it is I might watch t.v. cause it's nice to see people can be more messed up than me. I say to myself as I smile at the walls let myself fall. It's gonna be alright. No matter what they say, it's gonna be a good day. Just wait and see. It's gonna be alright cause I'm alright with me. It's gonna be, it's gonna be -- it's gotta be. I shiver shut the door, can't think standin' here no more. I'm alone my mind's racing heart breaking. Can you be everything I need you to be? Can you protect me like a daughter? Can you love me like a father? Can you drink me like water, say I'm like the desert just way hotter? The point of it all is that if I should fall it's still your name I call. It's gonna be alright no matter what they say. It's gonna be a good day just wait and see. It's gonna be okay cause I'm okay with me. It's gonna be, it's gonna be, as long as we laugh out loud -- laugh like we are mad cause this crazy mixed up beauty is all that we have. Because what's love, but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch, god, but still we laugh. Get back in bed, turn off the t.v. You say it'll be alright, baby just wait and see. Uh-oh, I'm awake again, it's one a.m. staring such a sight, well at least the stars are bright.

Where you Are (words and music by Jewel Kilcher)
I called you late last night said you didn't feel like talkin', had to blow off a little bit of steam, said you were tired of feelin' so uptight. You make me so blue, I get so lost inside of you that I cannot always find my way to where you are. Oh it used to be so easy, used to be so much fun. You said, yeah, well that was back when you believed in my love but things are not so simple now. I've turned out the light somehow and in the darkness you cannot always find your way to where I am. Please don't take your eyes from me cause if you did I would no longer be able to see. Please can't you see I need you. I am a princess and I'm locked inside this stone tower of song. I'm trying to write messages on the wind, god, how I just want to belong. Choose me, choose me, pick me, take me. Oh, I need to believe no one else exists for you now, on one else exists for me. You are my home, I've finally found my way to where you are.

There's still a bit that I really feel a connection to, and I could go and put the Fiona Apple songs that really strike a cord in me, as well, but maybe Darwin is right. Get rid of the elephant in the room. I got to do something to move on from this. Wallowing is a specialty of mine, but just because it worked in the past doesn't mean it's the best way to deal with this situation. There's probably other, healthier alternatives. There is always another alternative.

posted by wanggo @ 3:50 PM 0 comments

The Elephant in the Room

Fiona Apple from Oh Well
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
Oh, well.

I could talk about the extremely different and left-of-center gig I had at Calatagan with Paulino, Paolo and Cat. It was really left-of-center, if you consider the twister we saw out at sea was merely one of the many things that happened that day. Yup, it was pretty out there.

Or I could talk about my first real date in a long, long time. Must've been years since my last date, actually. I could talk about that. Or I could talk about how my Dad keeps coming back and forth from Manila and Bacolod and how much I love him and miss him and enjoy it being able to talk to him about stuff that interests us in the depths of which we discuss these things but, how, it makes things harder on my sense of independence. I need the space; I need a space I can truly call my own.

I can talk about today, how I went to Valle Verde to assist Paulino again for zips class because I'm training myself to become an instructor. Currently, through Paulino's discretion, I've been assigned a designation as Assistant Instructor and I couldn't have been more prouder. Ears were flapping so hard I could fly when I saw it put on the design of my card that he sent to me. After class, we started spinning fire for a video and we got to watch it afterwards and it was so weird to watch myself perform.

But no, I won't talk about those things. Not right now. I've got so much shit going through my head right now. I'm going to talk about something that really disturbed me, but I can only talk obliquely since someone else is involved and that person cannot be named.

And no, it isn't Sauron or Chthulu or Voldemort (or however you spell that fucker's name).

It was a late night and I got home at around way past 4 in the morning. I took a shower, changed to sleeping clothes and got into bed, eyes closed and trying to relax when my phone gave a beep at around 5:30 in the morning. Someone texted. At this time? I asked myself. I checked it and my heart almost shattered. It was from someone long ago. Someone I really, really cared about but things didn't go the way I wanted things to. It ended very vaguely and, in my opinion, in a very messy way.

We had tried to resolve it and in a way, sort of re-connected but we never talked about what had happened before. It was dropped then, 2 years ago, and it stayed there on the floor. During that time we had re-connected, I was wondering if I was the only one who could see the remains on the floor, just lying there, all messy and... and... unclean. My friend didn't even mention it. I couldn't even get the hints that my friend had even realised it was there. To me, it was just there, just lying there.

I left it at that. At least we weren't avoiding each other anymore. At least, now, should we see each other in public we could say "hi" and be all nice and stuff; not like before were we had become the elephant in the room that you couldn't talk about. It was like, there you are, in Embassy and there's this elephant and you can't say Look! There's an Elephant! What the fuck is an elephant doing here in a club? Or worse, to walk by the lobby of a movie theatre and see each other and say, I didn't know elephants watched movies in Greenbelt. It was annoying and hurtful and made things so complicated and I was glad it was over. It wasn't cleaned up but we could deal with each other despite the mess being there. In a way, there were some foundations being built over the mess. Instead of cleaning it up, something else was just put on top like something you put under the bed or under the carpet.

It's not how things should be dealt with but that is how it is. I just decided to take it rather than cull another dramatic moment, another moment of tension. I had just wanted to end things.

It pretty much died there until the text. My friend desperately needed company and was asking if I was awake. I had no idea how many people my friend texted before me but truth be told, I was awake and I replied and I just fell back to the same old trouble I found myself in 2 years ago. Damned Blue Moon!

It was a very awkward moment in my friend's car while we were trying to figure out what to do, where we could go to hang out. In the end, I was sent back up home to sleep and my friend went home or so my friend told me. Except I couldn't sleep. Not anymore. My head was just racing with thoughts. I was back in the same old grind, being grounded to fine powder.

And until now I can't get my friend out of my mind and I was thinking of it as maybe an excuse to try and start things over or something, discovered that the feelings had died but are easily resurrected. I still think the world of my friend and would probably find no trouble falling in love again.

But thinking it over now, thinking it over and over again, I don't want to. It was so messy, so complicated 2 years ago, it doesn't seem to have gotten any better. And I've really changed for the better since then. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. That's how it should be, right? That's how I always lived my life.

And why? Is my friend the only one I could be with? Of course not! In fact, I just came from a date. It was surprising and refreshing and different from what I was expecting but it turned out well, I guess and it was shared that there would be a second and I'm truly, delightfully excited for that next meeting.

But once again, there's an elephant in the room. It's not a very big room but the elephant got in. And I don't know what to do and it is really, really digging deep into me.

Yeah, I am not okay.

posted by wanggo @ 2:06 AM 1 comments

lethargic

Willa Cather
What was any art but a mould in which to imprison for a moment the shining elusive element which is life itself -- life hurrying past us and running away, too strong to stop, too sweet to lose.

The rains have come and this lethargy is taking over me. The desire to just stay home in bed is extremely strong and I find myself finding any excuse to not work. One little brown out stops me in my tracks. I'd rather wait until the current is stable before I start working or any stupid crap like that; any excuse just to not start. I don't even have the urge to pick up a book and read. I just want to lie down in bed while Dad or Datu or Kristi and not work and just lie there and enjoy nothingness -- that sweet oblivion were nothing can reach you.

But of course, I can't do that, I can't let that happen, so I got to get off my ass and start writing. At least, tomorrow, I'll be going to Punta Fuego for a zip gig and I'll be so happy to be near such a large body of water. I hope it rains its fill now and tomorrow will just be sunny days and I can get a tan.

I'm just so lethargic right now. The cold wind coming in through the windows -- I just want to grab somebody and cuddle underneath a soft comforter. Now wouldn't that be sweet?

posted by wanggo @ 7:12 PM 0 comments

Getting By and Surviving with a Smile

Umberto Eco from The Brotherhood of the Rose
The only evidence I see of the Antichrist here is everyone's desire to see him at work.

Lately, it has been easier to smile. It has been easier to smile, lately and I'm very happy for that. It has been easier to tell a joke and it has been easier to make fun of myself and get people to laugh. Lately, it has been easier to be around people, people I don't know -- strangers and new acquaintances because I'm happier now; I'm more in control of my feelings. It's not running away with me, it's not taking control -- my emotions. Well, I suppose it is, it's just that this time, I don't mind because these emotions are positive and perky and happy in nature.

Life's been looking pretty again, lately. Work is coming my way and while I haven't paid off all my debts yet, I haven't been borrowing anymore just to survive the day-to-day. And I can see the money that is coming that will help me pay off large chunks out of my debts. So, yeah, things are looking up. Yeah, things are beginning to pick up and while I won't be swimming in cash like I used to in 2004; at least I won't be begging in the streets.

But it is so gross to talk about money. What happened to my class? My upbringing? My sophistication? Down the drain it went, along with my dignity! My fault for having to decide that I want to live my life in the open -- not hiding anything. Well, it has been on my mind a lot -- money. So there you go, no class, no breeding, no sophistication. Stab me with a dirty bolo, why don't you?

There's someone who's got me smiling for a different reason and I'll be meeting up with this person come the weekend. I'm both nervous and excited. Susan Miller at Astrologyzone said that this is the month that love will begin to bloom for me. The past 2 years have been impossible to start a lasting, romantic, happy relationship, or so she says. But the universe is now more open to the idea of letting me have some fun on that department -- something real, something romantic, something that will really make my heart pump blood faster. Well, I really do hope so. No matter how many times I've said that I don't want a relationship right now, I know I am ready for one. But relationship! Shit! I'm getting way ahead of myself here... Let's just survive the first date. Then we'll see. Take it slow, do this right and let everything fall in their proper place.

And then work is going to be swell, she said and I can already see it. I've got to get everything on paper before June 19 and then I can let go a bit, work with a little less effort; be a little more lax. I've been throwing myself at the whole proposal portion of the project; once it gets signed, I can take my time to perfect the project and make it better. No need to be rushing all the time, to be rushing like a chicken without a head.

It would be nice to disappear and just find myself in some hammock, hearing the sound of the surf right beside me, fanned by a sea wind and a cold drink in my hand and nothing in mind... absolutely nothing at all.

posted by wanggo @ 3:14 AM 0 comments