Indulgence

Marie Antoinette

It is hard not to think of Marie Antoinette
and how her head must miss her body so.
The image of her beautiful face forever trapped
in an exhalation, blood in the stump of her neck,

some might’ve gotten to her hair
and everyone screaming and shouting
at the death of one so vain and so careless.
I’ll think of November 13, 2000 where you’ve

inscribed on a photocopied book of Lucie
Brock-Broido: “how we encounter books so
powerful and beautiful, you feel the need
to share it to those who would understand

at once.” Somewhere between cups of coffee
and conversations rudely interrupted by text
messaging: you knew I would understand.
Somehow it did not matter that you did not know

I would use the word “purchase” correctly
at eight years old, clutching a cassette tape
in my tiny hands – uttering such large words.
As my sister would say – “He never bought anything

in his life – he purchased everything he owns.”
Now I look at my copy of “A Hunger” and wonder
where my book called “Lassitudes” must have disappeared
to. Someone else is discovering how the whole weight

of a black hole can somehow be placed in the single
point of a pin. Its head. If only things were really so
compact and would not explode in the instance of an
epiphany. But nowadays you need cigarettes for that

and shades and really be capable of understanding
trance music. It only took me one moment to understand
it – imbibing (at the least) 4 years of chemical
experimentation. And my body grows thin and weak

and I hunger less and understand more and more,
why people smile and drink water and smoke and chew
gum and dance: really dance. And my sister tells me
I’m no longer that eight year old child, that I am now

so lost and confused and too happy. All of that
happiness can be compacted into a tiny pink pill
and somehow, its powerful and beautiful experience
must be shared, but this time: so it can be understood –

so everything can be understood. And I think of my
missing book and not even remembering what “Lassitudes”
means and wondering if I really understand
when she said: “Let them just eat… cake.”

posted by wanggo @ 1:25 AM 0 comments

Poker Face

Carl Jung
The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from the inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.

I have regular poker nights now. A group of friends and I have a regular day and we play poker. Texas Hold `Em. I don't know if that's the real name; I always manage to get it wrong. I told my brother about it and I said we play Texas Hoe Down and he just started laughing and started making motions about square dancing. So goodness knows I might've gotten it wrong again.

We play for very little but because of the amount of time we take playing (and also consumption of alcohol), it can get pretty steep for a basic little game of 1 peso. But I like the company and the funny conversations that ensue. Like I felt, I've been needing connection lately. And this takes me away from the office, somehow. It's just a lot of fun.

I am not unfamiliar with gambling. I learned how to play mah jhong at a very early age and for the better part of 2002 and 2003, I would play with my cousin, brother and sister-in-law (but at that time, she was still my brother's girlfriend). On a weekly basis, we'd meet up, talk about our week while shuffling tiles and finding the best combination faster than the other 3 people we were playing against. After 3 hours of straight playing, hunger pangs erupt like a volcano and out I'd go to buy Pugon baked pandesal (oven baked bread?) and then we'd gather in the kitchen to talk. My brother would use a lot of cream cheese and maybe honey. My cousin would cover hers in butter and then put jam while my sister-in-law favoured jellies and jams. I'd eat it straight because the bread in itself would be so tasty on its own. Sometimes, I'd put a little butter and honey and another bread, I'd put cream cheese and jam. After we'd eaten our fill, we'd return to finish off the last hurdle of our mah jhong games before we'd bring my cousin home.

We don't do that anymore. My cousin returned to Bacolod and I wasn't as busy as I am now. After I told my brother about my poker nights, he wondered if we could play mah jhong again and I said sure. But that would all be dependent on my schedule, really and his and his friend's. My sister-in-law, brother and his friend (who would replace my cousin) are pretty much freelancers and so their time is very erratic. Mine is totally consumed by the show now.

My other group of friends, my poker group, have relatively the same schedule as mine so it's easy to slip it in. In fact, it really is no problem and the date has been set and we are pretty adamant about it; so that's cool.

I like it, really. Pretending to be bluffing or actual finding myself bluffing. I like the idea of having a good hand and the confidence to throw my whole being into one round and then the inevitable showing of hands -- sometimes you groan in pain that someone has a better hand or the joy of finding out you were right. I like it that it has some weight in terms of monetary value, even if it is so small. It's like training for life -- do you have enough on your hand to win? Or will you just fold? Can you take a chance or will you be swimming in the little pond for the rest of your life constantly watching the big fish swim in the ocean? It's silly, maybe and you might think there are better ways to train yourself to take chances, to learn to play your hand to the best of its ability, to know when to see an opening or no that there's no hope. But in this way, I get to have some fun.

Anyway, when it starts to become a problem, I'll let it go but right now, it's just a whole lot of fun and it's great to see, in some small measure, what I'm capable of and how well I can mask what it is that's behind my eyes.

posted by wanggo @ 5:01 PM 0 comments

a very blue Sunday

Imago from Akap (written by Aia de Leon)
Sasamahan ka sa tamis (I'll be with you in the sweetness)
Sasamahan ka sa pait (I'll be with you in the bitterness)
Sasamahan ka sa dilim (I'll be with you in the darkness)
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit (I'll be with you until heaven)
* my Tagalog translation may be a little off, forgive me

This Sunday, I found myself just lazing away. Had an amazing shoot last Saturday and then followed by fantastic dinner at Bellini's in Marikina Shoe Expo. I treated my Dad, brother and sister-in-law. We were celebrating my Dad's birthday (which he spent presenting the Best Director for a Music Video in the MTV Pilipinas awards) and at the same time, that's how we spend our time together as a family -- through food and good conversation. Afterwards, I got dropped off so I could make it for a date but then, I was stood up. I didn't even know. I had to text and because there was no reply, I knew I was stood up.

Now that's a punctuation mark if I ever got one. That's one way to end your night with a bang. So I went straight home, took another shower and went to bed.

I woke up and there was just no desire to do anything, really. So my brother and I just watched 3 movies. We watched Pirates of the Caribbean but we never got to finish it since my brother's copy was busted. Damned pirates! Aarr! So we decided to keep to a theme and we watched Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World and then after dinner (surprisingly, we had fish) we watched Deep Blue Sea. Suffice to say, my sea legs got itchy and the desire to be anywhere near the ocean was evident. I played around with fantasies of being in the middle of the ocean -- some sort of videographer for some undersea experiment. It was the only reasonable explanation I would be on the damn thing. I'm not cut out for much else. I'm definitely no scientist. But as a videographer, documenting the process, would make some reasonable explanation as to why I was there.

Silly, I know. But it's these fantasies that keep me alive, really.

I also got to find another old journal. It was my most recent chronicling much of my 2004. Apparently, 2004 was highly punctuated by 3 people (4 to be precise). How sad to have been so in love with people who didn't feel the same way. Love without reciprocation isn't as real. I went through those words and found so much potential there. It was all wasted. It was pretty sad. Got to thinking about certain people again.

*sigh* Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Can't believe I got stood up last Saturday night. Some people just have no respect. My schedule is bad enough as it is and I don't get to meet new people because of work. Well, I meet tons of new people all the time because of work but because of the situation, a romantic involvement seems completely inappropriate. And I'm never at my best during those shoots. I wear completely comfortable clothing and I don't usually fix my hair. I get all moody and I'm more focused about my shots than I am of presenting myself in any way other than that of someone who is very busy.

Geez, this is really sad...

posted by wanggo @ 12:33 PM 1 comments

on art

Mark Twain
Don't go around saying that the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

I interviewed two young people today who happen to be amazing artists. I was about to write amazing young artists but then again, the adjective wasn't needed. No matter what age they are, if you've done good work, you've done good work. There should be no distinction whether it was painted by someone who is 18 or if it were written by someone who is 62. It adds to the awe if they are young but it doesn't add to the work. Art is art.

I listen to them and gape in wonder at the amount of energy and passion they have regarding their chosen art form. At such an early age, they know the proper terminologies and it is obvious that they have thought about these things thoroughly. These are not your accidental artists -- those people who don't know exactly what they are doing, they just go out there and do it and it just happens to be moving. No, these artists actually go through an artistic process. They can justify their work and talk about it intelligently.

I have a friend who I used to be very close with. He was a part of my old circle of friends and he had a great eye for photography and design. He would capture the most interesting of photos and he would make miniature sets and models of his room designs and they were very good. I tried to sit down with him and tried to figure out how he came about these amazing photos and these great designs and styles and he couldn't answer me. I just know they work, was his answer, more or less. I wondered that there was no intention in his colour scheme or his angle. He had no explanation to any of it. He just felt that they would look nice that way.

I've always thought art should be a natural thing for one to do. Sometimes you are so moved by a moment you just have to capture it through words or a painting or a photograph and that was that. If it is good, it naturally tends to take a meaning. If it's good, it becomes symbolic of something larger than itself. So I find it funny, all of a sudden, that I want my artists to be more conscious of their art. As much as I just want to write an amusing or entertaining story; the intention has to be present.

Writing this, I think I've processed what it is that bothers me about my friend. I think unconscious of the process is fine; just go there and do it and make art. But I think the end result must be molded through a conscious force from the artist. It has to mean something to the artist before he lets it out. It's okay to go and design a room based on natural biases and preferences but when it's done, take a good look at what you've done and then find out what it means to you and then adjust appropriately.

Talking to the two subjects earlier made me wonder if it was ever obvious that I had artistic inclinations and that I would want to be an artist when I grew up. I recognise a lot of the fire and the passion that burned within them. I recognise it in myself. But I was never that good at that age. Until now, I'm still learning, honing and developing myself. So are they; but they've already accomplished so much...

Ah! Here I go again, comparing myself and starting to feel regret. I promised my friend no regrets. I promised myself not to feel it and let it come. Everything we go through is an experience that we can use. No, I have no regrets.

I am in awe, though. These are the perks of the job. Finding such interesting people, places and events and then looking back at yourself and understanding yourself more. No, there are no regrets.

posted by wanggo @ 4:04 PM 0 comments

getting my shape right

Holly Palmer from Just So You Know (written by Holly Palmer, Bob Khaleel, Guy Erez, Emerson Swinford)
`Cause we could really take our time
We could really get our shapes just right

Another night given to the my work. I was up all night finishing scripts until my head just blanked and I had to work on a little fantasy scenario in my head just so that I can re-focus. Now, I've finished the scripts for a side project and I can now go back to finishing the last scripts needed from me and I'm gone. I'm thinking of sleeping here in the office because I have an early morning shoot tomorrow and if my whole body clock is fucked up there's no way I'm going to make it there in time so I might as well sleep over here.

Company had an outing; mostly everyone is off in Tagaytay cavorting, no doubt and enjoying themselves. I had every intention of going there and frolicking amongst the grandness of nature and the company of good people but the workload got to me. If I didn't allow myself to zone out and finished all my responsibilities at the right time, I would have been able to go but then, I would have found a corner and just fallen asleep. That ain't much fun.

Tagaytay. I've never been there during August when the weather is like this. Everyone said it is really cold there, maybe even misty. I could have been covered in fog and it would have been amazing to just get lost in it. That's not something that happens everyday. I wake up to see the city covered in smog, but that's something else entirely.

I remember I was in Tagaytay in February once. I was just with friends and we were there on an overnight. They had asked me to come and no expenses needed. I should just go so I did. I had much fun then but I also had issues regarding somebody and it plagued me throughout the trip. But what I do remember was the mist in the morning. I had stayed up all night until it was just two of us left. My friend was on his nth bottle of beer and I was just winding down from a different kind of mood enhancer when the porch at the back of the house was surrounded by fog. I joined my friend in the porch, lighting a cigarette and I could no longer see the hills, the mountains, the trees and the grass. I couldn't see the Cable Car at all. Everything vanished like a painter just splashed white paint on his canvass, covering everything that was there before in white. The cool moisture from the air rested on my nose. I stood beside him and we were silent. I finished my cigarette and began cleaning up. I was almost done when he noticed and groggily said not to clean up. I just smiled at him. When did I ever not clean up?

He smiled back and looked out into the whiteness. I wonder what he saw. For a while I thought I had it all figured out but a year later things didn't turn out well for that group. This was a while back; back in my wild days, a starving freelance writer who enjoyed life a little too fully. As full as those white mists in Tagaytay on February early mornings. I remember climbing up the stairs and falling on the last of the available beds. The other three beds were occupied by my other friends. Two of them were snoring noisily and the other had covered his face with his pillow.

It took me a while before I fell asleep. My eyes closed, I could only see black but I had wondered if the whiteness had begun creeping in for I left the door to the porch wide open. When I awoke a few hours later, my friend had crept back in to as far as the living room where he had fallen asleep on the couch with an empty beer bottle right beside his head. There was no trace of mist that noon and the trees and the grass and the mountains and the hills had returned to view. Every so often, the Cable Car would make its sojourn from one station to the next.

I could've come back to all of that today. But instead I decided to give my mind a rest for a few hours and zoned out completely and lived in the possibilities of what ifs. When I returned to work, I knew that I wouldn't be able to follow. I write fast but I don't write that fast. But it is important for me to get things right.

I'm trying to get my shape right. I have been un-proportioned, as of late. Not sleeping won't help but I'd rather go home and rest on my own bed. These days will be remembered, that's for sure. If anything, it builds character, it toughens the spirit and you learn. You learn how far you can go and how much you value things. This is important to me. All of this -- what I'm doing, what I'm learning, the foundation I'm laying down. It won't disappear when I close my eyes and see the black. It will remain steadfast and solid when the white comes to obscure it from view.

posted by wanggo @ 9:25 AM 0 comments

2 friends and then Atlas Shrugged

Jean-Luc Godard
All you need to make a film is a girl and a gun.

How strange... I have 2 friends who I never met but I regard them as good friends. It's these damned internet community sites like Friendster. All of a sudden, I've got good friends whom I never really met.

I don't know if I'm complaining or what... One of my friends I always catch on-line and we chat. We've been chatting for a while now and it's fun to talk to him. He's from Denmark and he shares with me the stuff that happens to him there and it's great because I don't know much about Denmark. Funny to, he burst out laughing when I thought that Holland and Denmark were the same place. He kept typing Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha over and over. He was obviously amused. Okay, my mistake. I didn't know there was a difference. For all my reading and watching foreign films and listening to conversations -- apparently, the fact that Holland and Denmark escaped me. But he's a fun guy to talk to. And I'm glad he's there because when we talk, there is this quality of distance that I treasure. He can't judge me completely and vice versa. And that's where we find a comfort zone.

The other friend I have is in Barcelona. He's traveled the world and right now is living with family and finishing his studies in Spain. We don't chat often; he's really busy with school but we write each other e-mails all the time, updating each other on what's going on in our lives. What's great about this guy is that he's got such a wide world view and he's seen a lot of stuff and when he sends me pictures of the places he's been and tells stories about things, I kind of get a faint taste of what it would be like if I went there.

Yesterday, I was chatting with the both of them and it was so cool. I have two friends in Europe and we were talking about personal things and we didn't really know each other. It was strange yet fun.

But there is no real attachment because we really don't know each other, you know? At the same time, you really listen hard because then there's no pressure to impress. So what we talk about seems like the most natural thing in the world. There are no put-ons or pretensions or anything. It was cool, you know? It was fun.

And now, I'm going through Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. A copy of the book found its way into my library a long time ago and before I got to read it my Dad told me he didn't like the book and I probably wouldn't either but it is required reading. It's something you have to have read, he said. Looking for something to read as of late because the last 2 books I borrowed from Jaypee were just not my cup of tea, my friend Berna suggested Atlas Shrugged. She said it will make you think; just don't take it too seriously. With a disclaimer like that, why wouldn't I give it a try, right?

I was in a meeting today and I brought the book with me for the transit from home to the meeting and since the book is thick (1,000+ pages long) it was in front of me on the table. It can't fit in my bag. My producer saw it and said you're reading that now? I nodded yes and she said that before the end of the book, I'll end up throwing it at the wall and will have a different way of looking at people. She then looked me over from head to foot then said well, I think you're ready for it; it won't piss you off that much.

How strange! What strange reactions regarding one book. Now I feel more encouraged to finish it. It's funny sometimes where you find your drive, huh?

posted by wanggo @ 9:35 PM 1 comments

for lack of a hang-over

Mandalay from Don't Invent Me (written by Nicola Hitchcock and Saul Freeman)
Don't invent me
'Till you need me

I won't love another
'Till I learn

Got drunk last night. Lots of planning and preparation at the office and then my officemates went to Kalye Juan and I followed and 2 beers down and I was out. I broke my flip-flops and I wasn't even standing or walking around. I managed to break my 2 week old flip-flops from a sitting position! All my restless, frenetic energy managed to break the thong from the slipper. Suffice to say, I had a hard time walking towards a cab and walking from the cab to my home.

A lot of things were said that night. Talked about movies with people who knew the technical aspects of it and I haven't been hanging out with Jaypee as often as I'd like since our schedules are never compatible. Nice to have alternatives. Where one of my companions likes Akira Kurosawa (his favourite is Ran which I then began to relate how I taught that in class when I was teaching World Literature) and my other companion liked Wong Kar Wai and Jean Pierre Jeunet. We then began talking about their shots and their use of colour in film. It was thrilling.

I smoked too much last night and I so desperately wanted to vommit but couldn't. Lucky for me, I never have hang-overs. My body system has allowed me the strength to repair itself while I sleep so when I awake, there's no after effect from the drinking. It does show on my face but I don't have those annoying headaches people keep talking about.

Lately, I've found myself to be drinking a lot. Well, maybe not drinking a lot but I've been drinking almost every night for the past 2 weeks, give or take a couple of days. I don't know why. I won't put it towards stress since I could always just go home and dance or zips or just sleep. Maybe I'm really looking for connection again since I haven't been doing much of that since work went to fourth gear. I miss having great conversations on an easy, laid-back atmosphere. No deadlines, no time limits, no restrictions, no pressure.

I miss that. I'm looking for it again.

posted by wanggo @ 6:34 PM 0 comments

what defines us?

Mother Teresa
Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.

Slowly, it has begun. The pace has begun to slow down and there seems to be more time to think and that's a good thing. There'll be one more hurrah of energy and then everything becomes steady. What's scary is that the "steady period" will be crucial. Our lives in the future will be determined by what we do and how much we do during this "steady period." It amazes me how what we will do in the next few weeks will determine what our lives will be like in the future.

Yesterday, I went to Greenbelt to meet up with the gang. We haven't been together, complete as a group, in a very long time. I haven't seen my friend Anne in two months. It was all laughter and happy voices. It was good to catch up and fill her in on the things that have been going on with me and vice versa. I had said that "I'm glad I don't see Anne that often because that means she is busy." And it's true. For people like us who work in such a volatile job in production, you never know how long you'll have work. Who knows? Your show might just get cancelled or nobody calls you anymore to do anymore commercials. I'm happy that she's booked for a long while. It means that she'll be busy with work and that she'll be learning so much and meeting a lot of people. Anne is an amazing person. She'll be directing very soon. I know it. She can make it.

During our conversations last night, we kinda were trying to debate whether your work should define who you are. I had said that I'm happy for Anne because her being busy means that her life is busy and it's a good thing. A friend of mine remarked that work shouldn't define us. There's work and then there's your life, she remarked. She said that they are two separate things.

But I had to disagree. I said, You work half the time, most of the time and so you can't help it if your work defines you. Afterall, it's what you do, it defines what sustains you. It's where you spend most of your time so it also, somehow, relates to who you deal with and how you deal with them. I don't think you can help it. I said, if you don't think your life is defined by what you do, it probably means that you are not happy with your work.

I think that kind of makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? I'm not ashamed at all to say that my work defines me. I'm a story-teller. I write and direct segments for a television show. Othertimes, I get paid to write; be it brochures or a live event. I try to find a story and bring it out. Well, maybe not for brochures, but I try to make them more accessible to the reader. And that defines me. I'm proud of that. My world revolves around visuals and words and transmission of messages. Most of the people I deal with are creative people or people who bring other people's creation to an audience. How exciting is that?

I think your work says a great deal about you and if you can't accept that; if you try desperately to make distinctions between what you do and who you are, then there is seriously something wrong with what you are doing. You cannot possibly be that happy with your work. Why are you doing it then?

Geez, I think I'm beginning to sound preachy. Better stop now.

posted by wanggo @ 9:50 PM 3 comments

ending it with a bang

Kobayashi Issa
Far-off mountain peaks
Reflected in its eyes:
The Dragonfly

I had a lovely evening last night. Scratch that, I had a lovely day. Woke up at noon time to have lunch with my brother and sister-in-law after watching two good movies the night before. I then dressed up and went to Megamall to meet up with Jaypee and we talked for almost 3 hours. We haven't seen each other in ages and I didn't get to go to his television show's launch. Check out Salt, Thursdays 11:30pm to 12:00am on Studio 23. So we just caught up on lost time and had a great time. Of course, we talked a lot about the matters of the heart (or lack thereof) and it's obviously something that's been on my mind lately.

I'm still the shallow type of person who puts looks above all else but I know that unless I get the complete package, there is no real chance of anything happening long-term. I'm screwed by my own set of standards which I am not bending or compromising. This is a standard. I don't want to settle for less. If that means I'll end up lonely, then so be it. At least I didn't go below what I'm worth.

But we definitely had fun whining and complaining about the lack of choice fish in the sea. We need to swim in a bigger ocean, I suppose.

I then took an mrt ride to Makati to meet up with a good friend Cholo, who is here for a bit before he leaves for a wonderful traveling experience. On the mrt, there was a model I've been crushing on for quite a while now. I actually held my breath from Shaw station to Ayala station where we both got down. The model was so close that contact would have been inevitable had I been bolder. Funny thing is, I could've initiated a conversation since this model has been introduced to me before when Young Star was still around and I was writing for them. It was an easy way to just strike up a conversation. The thing I didn't want was to appear pathetic. I didn't want to be thought of as a pathetic loser. I let it go.

Walked around Greenbelt 3 biding my time since I had arrived early. Checked out Tower Records and Music One but found nothing I wanted to get; considering that I had already bought Tori Amos' Tales of the Librarian, Aimee Mann's fabulous The Forgotten Arm, Mishka Adam's special edition of God Bless The Child and Imago's Take 2 on Saturday. They were all great purchases on the day before so there was no need to buy anything for the sake of. I walked around smoking looking for People's Palace. When I found it, I sat down outside, cooled by a breeze that came few and far between and ordered an Ice Tea.

Cholo arrived and from 7pm until 12am, we had the most amazing conversation. His friend Chico joined us and it was just amazing. It's funny to think I've only met Cholo once before but you know, for a fact, you've found a friend. And Cholo, much like my friend Jaypee, understands give and take and he's intelligent and cultured and sophisticated and so it is great to just butt heads with him and pick his brain for whatever thoughts are in there. It was engaging. I think that is the best way to really put it; the whole experience was engaging.

It's nice to have friends like that whom you see rarely but when you do, you are just pushed to your peak. People other than Cholo who do that for me are my friends DC, Michap, Tesa and Brian. The thing that they all have in common is that I don't see them very often but when I do, I enjoy myself entirely. The totality of existence is summed up in that one moment. It could end there and I'd be happy. My Dad does this for me as well but I see him more often than them.

The day before was spent just enjoying a day to myself. With my brother, sister-in-law and their beautiful baby Eve went to Shangri-La and we separated ways as I bought my CDs, fixed my cell phone bill and just walked around and looked at clothes and things that are nice to think of buying but not really, being an impractical thing to do in my current financial situation. But the time that was spent just with myself, on my own terms was bliss.

Friday night was a magickal evening. The Rockestra in Folk Arts Theatre was probably the best concert I've ever attended. It was even more moving than Alanis Morissette (whom I saw twice, when she came here in 1997 and 2000, I think) or Incubus or Avril. 6 bands, 3 songs each with the Manila Symphony Orchestra. It was just amazing. Cambio, Silent Sanctuary, Imago, Twisted Halo, Sugarfree and Sandwich were the said bands. Each one was amazing.

Cambio is a good band; unfortunately, their brand of punk rock did not seem to merge well with the MSO. They should've been more playful with their arrangements and in the end, in my opinion, clashed with Cambio's rock guitars. Sandwich was amazing. They certainly rocked the house and Raymund Marasigan is definitely a spectacular performer; but I feel they didn't use the MSO properly. They felt more like a keyboard making ambient sound rather than an orchestra. Don't get me wrong, the performance was amazing but it wasn't a marriage of Sandwich and MSO. It was more like a Sandwich performance and the MSO was just supplying the strings and brass.

But the other 4 bands were unbelievable! Their performance was completely and utterly sublime. It was a true marriage between rock band and full orchestra. The music became richer, more full, more powerful and moving. While Silent Sanctuary's music has a space for strings in its songs because the band's line up carries a violinist; the orchestra only enhanced this space. Twisted Halo's music just went several notches higher creating epic rock in the likes of Led Zeppelin. Their songs reminded me of Led Zeppelin's Kashmir more in the terms of Puff Daddy's remake Come with Me for the Godzilla soundtrack. It was rock in all its glory.

But the toss up for the best performance rests either with Imago or Sugarfree. Aia de Leon's powerful voice lends well to a full orchestra and Akap and Tangin was just superb and gave me goose pimples and made my hair stand on ends. Sugarfree though had the most intimate relationship with the orchestra, the boys of Sugarfree letting the string section come to the fore in the middle of the song, pausing playing their instruments to help the strings gain momentum and then throwing their consecutive energies to a musical climax like no other. Let's just say I was in heaven. I did not want the night to end.

I had a difficult week and it ended badly with a half-baked segment of mine airing because I fucked up yet again. This weekend was a nice flipside to the whole thing and it was just so amazing that after Cholo and I had said good bye and I brought him to his cab, I knew that I could not end that night with a cab ride home. I had to take a bus home and become one with a sense of randomness again.

I stepped into the air-conditioned bus and it was full to the brim. People of all walks of life were there getting on and off at different points at EDSA. Estrella, Guadalupe, Boni, Shaw, Megamall. I got down at Robinson's Galleria and took a jeep ride back to the street where I live.

I got up to my room, took out a cigarette and lit it and put in Mishka Adam's CD and began to unwind. I began to think of the possibilities. All the possibilities of this weekend. I then lit another cigarette, switched to a Nina Simone CD. Late I took a shower and then after, went to sleep.

posted by wanggo @ 1:32 PM 0 comments

happy face

William Blake
A fool who pursues his folly becomes wise.

I've got my happy face on. There was an important meeting today at work and I just received such great, happy news. Great, great happy news. I can't divulge any information about it but I just wanted to share that. This is the news I've been waiting for but I didn't think that it was going to come out that way. All will be revealed soon.

I'm just thankful that the tides had shifted when they did. I think I had been too problematic as of late and was having a hard time defending this choice to certain people who thought I was needlessly wasting my efforts. I'm sorry. I am not wasting my efforts. This is what I want to do and I want to work here. GMA-NMI is one of the most amazing work environments I've found and I like all the people and there is so much for me to learn and there is so much for me to gain here. This is where I want to say I started. I'm proud to say it.

Everything else I wanted to talk about just faded from view. I'm a little out of breath but I got my happy face on. It's on me and I just wanted to express that.

posted by wanggo @ 3:35 PM 2 comments

the coming of good music

Poe from Lemon Meringue (written by Poe, John O'Brien and Matthew Wilder)
Sometimes it tastes so bitter
I got to make it sweeter

Another night where I got no sleep. It's around 6 in the morning and I'm running on food, cigarettes and an almost insatiable need to not fuck up this time round. Once again I produced a segment that my director and production unit manager found wanting more. So I went on overdrive to try and do my best to prove to them that I deserve my place on this show. It really is so hard when I'm completely not the market we are trying to reach with the show. I can't help that I'm a film enthusiast. I like to set up my story, let it draw out and make my audience think; let me find out what's going on through inference. Television today needs you to be more playful, a little spoon-fed, quick and attention grabbing. It's not how I think. At the same time, I understand things faster than most people. I take a lot of information for granted. My director and production unit manager know how to pull back from themselves and figure out what needs explaining for the regular, average joe. I don't seem to have that quality.

Well, it all sounds like some bad justification for not making the cut yet again. But it is the only logical reason I can think of that explains how come I'm not up to par. Either that or I'm not good enough but I refuse to take that as an explanation.

And my team thinks I can do it; they believe in me and in my capacity to do it right this time. I'm all for proving them right.

It's another day without sleep. I think I've pretty much proven that I can live on sheer will power alone.

On the flip side, an officemate has downloaded all the songs of Poe's second album Haunted and it is a superb album! I cannot express how much I am digging this album. It is just so damned good! It is complex and aurally fulfilling. She crosses genres and makes music that is so completely interesting and the lyrics are unbelievably compelling. It is a concept album; sort of a soundtrack to a horror novel her brother wrote but it can also stand alone. The idea for both the book and the album was drawn up when Poe and her brother found tapes their father had made. The album includes some of the recordings of her father's voice and it sort of weaves a story throughout the album. Most of the songs from the album are conversations she is having with her father, things she wanted to tell him and expresses feelings of anguish, grief and loss but then, being such complex and amazing songs, it transcends that. I'm inspired to write an entry of this on my other site Watching Things Burn. I cannot stop myself -- I want to gush some more. It really is such a good album.

And hurrah! Fiona Apple's new album will finally be released. After months (maybe even years) of being in limbo, she finally re-recorded the album with one of my favourite bassists Mike Elizondo on the producer's chair. 9 songs from the original Jon Brion sessions were re-recorded, 2 songs were kept as is and a new song was added and the 12 song Extraordinary Machine is expected to be released on October. I am so happy. I love Fiona Apple and her music. I can't wait for this release. All the songs were leaked on the internet and people were floored by what they heard. I got to hear the track Better Version of Me and I believe it is an amazing song. I can't wait to hear the new version of that song. If anything, Fiona Apple moves me.

Nelly Furtado is also coming out with a new album soon and I can't wait for that. She's working with different producers from her last 2 albums and so there should be some level of evolution in her sound. Folklore was not very far off from Whoa! Nelly but it was definitely a growth in the same direction. This new album, with new producers (and maybe co-writers?) would mean a shift in musicality and I'm all for an artist to spread their wings and try out new things.

Holly Palmer is in the studio and working on new material as well. She's got a 3-piece band and that would be going into a more sparse sound rather than her full blown instrumentation from the 4 songs of hers that I've heard previously. Holly Palmer is a big mystery to me. Her song Just So You Know is etched into my psyche and I want to get her CD before I'm driven mad by it. I can't get it out of my head and so I want to hear more. I don't know enough about her to speak about her music but know enough that Just So You Know has got me sold on her.

Well, I've spoken about Kate Bush in a previous entry but I must reiterate, I can't wait for her next album.

Tanita Tikaram just released a new album and I'm finding ways of getting it. I love her album The Cappuccino Songs and I'm very sure that I would love any of her other songs. I can't wait to get my hands on a copy of Sentimental, her brand new album. I'm sure it would be as subtle and moving as The Cappuccino Songs. She is very consistent singer and songwriter. I know I won't be disappointed.

And of course, Sheryl Crow, Pink, Mandy Moore are all slated for a release of new material this year as well. That's something to be happy about. And then, Aimee Mann released a new album and of course, they aren't selling it here in the Philippines. I got to order for that one. So did Shellie Poole of the now disbanded Alisha's Attic and I'm hoping it is as good as the work she did when she was with her sister in Alisha's Attic. But I'm not going to doubt that. Their three albums were consistently good. Again, I won't be disappointed.

I don't know why I know all these things but I just do. I guess I'm that much a music fan. It's hard to not please me.

Unfortunately for me, Tori Amos, Bjork and Sarah McLachlan (3 of my top 4 singers, Kate Bush being #1) have released an album this year so it will be awhile before I can be expecting anything from them this year. But then again, looking at that list, I'll be spending enough of my money as it is.

And this is not the talk of someone who hasn't slept yet...

posted by wanggo @ 6:26 AM 8 comments

Why We Tell the Story

from Once on this Island (lyrics by Lynn Ahrens and music by Stephen Flaherty)
You are why (we tell the story)

Last Saturday found me with my officemates who have become my really good friends to RCBC Plaza, to the theatre there where a production of Once on this Island was staged. I have known this musical since it's release in CD form back in 1992. I got a copy of it from a good friend of our parents and I listened to it over and over again, dazzled by the beautiful music and the engaging lyrics. I had danced to this musical in my living room many, many times. Each time, I would re-create the choreography. I had sung every line in the musical. Though I would probably not be able to sing it in its entirety from memory; should I hear it again, I would be able to.

But to see it perform live -- now that is a wonder. I stepped into the lodge section, sat down and marvelled at the stage covered in mats and bamboo curtains hanging all over. As the house lights began to dim and then, in the darkness, a thunder clap and the sounds of rain came, I began to shiver. It has been a long time since I've heard the music of the play because my brother, who owned the CD lost his copy. To know that I was going to see it again made me shiver.

The play began and I was absolutely riveted. I got goosepimples all over and my hair began to stand on end. I was quivering with joy. Every performer was good. It was a very, very talented cast. Ti Moune was played by Raki Vega who was superb. She had a powerful voice and the face of an angel. I was also floored by the performances of Bituin Escalante (who played Asaka), the lady who played Mama Euralie and Bodjie Pascua (who played Tonton Julian). But don't get me wrong, the whole cast was fabulous. After all, Menchu Lauchengco-Yulo (who played Erzulie) is one of my favourite musical stage actresses. I have seen her as Fosca from Passion and the lead role in The Baker's Wife.

I was crying at the beautiful moments, laughing at the funny moments and tapping my foot and singing under my breath in every song. I so love the theatre and it kind of saddens me that the new set of musicals these days don't seem to compare with the works of Stephen Sondheim, Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty or Kander and Ebb. Gone are the days of Cabaret, Into the Woods, Ragtime and Pippin. I was totally unimpressed with Wicked and annoyed by that musical that is supposed to be a parody of Sesame Street, the name escapes me as of the moment.

But definitely, I was so happy to have seen this production of Once on this Island. Because of work, sometimes, I tend to forget the other parts of me. I don't get to satisfy all my cultural needs. I get so caught up in getting my work done and giving some time for myself to just unwind that I forget that things like plays are just there. I don't care how badly off our economy is, what I spent for that ticket was absolutely worth it.

And more importantly, I am glad I got to watch it with my friends from work whom I could hang out with afterwards and talk about it. That was great as well.

from Once on this Island (lyrics by Lynn Ahrens and music by Stephen Flaherty)
Your heart is young
New dreams are everywhere

Afterwards, we found ourselves at The Fort where we were drinking and just talking. Soon, we had released all that we wanted to say about the musical that we just began to hang out and talk. We were just chilling there, drinking and eating and just enjoying each other's company, trying our best not to talk about work. It was great fun and I enjoyed myself immensely.

I spent quite a lot that night but it was worth every penny. To bond with these people was great and quite surprising. You discover, truly, that people will surprise you. Nobody is what they seem and they all have some story to tell. I love it. It is good to just sit down and listen because there is so much you can learn and it is also nice to sit down and share your stories because when you do, you learn a lot about yourself.

It's funny, sometimes, how you tell your stories. Lucky is the person who tells every one of their personal stories the same way, no matter who they are talking to. I think, most of the time, we tailor fit the story-telling to the people you are with. You ommit certain details and heighten others in regard to the listener. And you discover how you see certain people and how you want yourself to be perceived. It's an interesting process and it really thrills me. I love it.

And that night, so many stories were told. And we were there because we wanted to do something special with our time. In a way, to remember that we have a level of culture and that we cannot afford to miss out on these things because we love them. Once on this Island had such a profound effect on me, both as a musical and as a moment with my friends.

posted by wanggo @ 12:36 AM 4 comments

happy but never content

from The Rule of Fours
Hope is the best and last of all things. Without it, there is only time.

I've decided to put my career first. There are so many things that I want in life, for myself, that I really have to do well in my career if I want the big things I have planned come to fruition. There are so many personal accomplishments that I want to achieve before I can ever really be satisfied.

Like I told my best friend, Jaypee, I'm going to be the kind of person who will be happy but never content. There are people who are content but never truly happy. That won't be me. I will be able to revel in every little accomplishment; cherish every achievement and then I'd let the moment go to strive for a higher goal. I'd always be taking things to the next level. That is not necessarily a bad thing. It's tiring, I'm sure. But it's not bad, no, not at all.

Just today, two people I haven't heard from in a while asked me how's your lovelife? The question really bothered me. It had an implication that if I answered that question, then the totality of my being would have been answered. It's like Hey, how are you? Oh! That's nice. So how's your love life? I would like to think that there is more to life than that.

I know enough to believe in the power of love and to treasure it and enjoy it. But it isn't all that important for me. Or I'm at this point of denial that says forget it, it won't happen now, so don't lose sleep over it. People have said that you shouldn't go out and look for it and that it will just land on your lap. If that's true, then let it be so, right?

When I had said this, my friend said, yeah, just wait, it's better that way. In my attempt to be cool and totally unaffected by the whole thing, I replied, I won't wait. Waiting is for losers. Let it just happen, like a big surprise. That way it's more pleasant. After all, don't we appreciate the things that come unexpectedly?

At least my career is something I have control over. I have no control in the affairs of the heart. I can barely direct my own actions when I'm in the throes of attraction, you expect me to be able to control somebody else's at the same time? Now that's a laugh! I'd rather try to train wild tigers or scorpions. Like I tell people all the time, you can never figure people out, you can never read their thoughts or what it is they are thinking; what more when feelings are involved? When you are expecting something from someone else, forget any chance of having an idea of what's going on in his or her head. Your assumptions will just be marred by your own paranoia or hopes. Just go with the flow. Accept and deal with things at face value.

So in that regard, I'm putting my career first and doing all I can to succeed; to achieve that which I can. If love finds a way to sneak in from behind and embrace me, then so be it. I'm not closing my doors. My heart is open and my mind is free. Let it come at its own volition. All I know is that there are things that I can guide, things I can control and things that are beyond my understanding. If that is so, then I will treat each one accordingly; and to hell with what people expect from me.

posted by wanggo @ 11:04 PM 1 comments

nothing special, just an update 8.11.05

Malcolm Forbes
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them.

After two days of some unexplained Euphoria, coupled with intense work due to my covering an event that had no people in it and I had to find a way to make the event full and exciting, I wake up early today to dark grey clouds hanging over the city, preparing to give us a much needed washing.

I decide to take my time by watching a Japanese movie Casshern and then having lunch with my family. The movie was okay. It had an amazing visual look but, with my general opinion with most Japanese films, it wasn't very subtle with regards to its theme and the story draws itself out too much when it could be more effective being more direct; more quick. I can just imagine what kind of movie would be made, if for example, someone like Peter Jackson was working side-by-side with a team of Japanese designers and animators. Oh wow! Now that would be something else. But nevertheless, despite my disappointment, I did enjoy myself, absorbed by the amazing effects and the gorgeous ending song. I wonder if that was a Utada Hikaru song. I don't know, but it was a great song, whatever it is.

I find myself broke several days before payday and it will be a gruelling several days; I swear. It would be great to have money this coming weekend but, nope, there were things I had to pay for and unnecessary expenses that certainly did the trick and served the purpose to which they were used for; but could have done without in the grand scheme of things. But it's done and we move on. It's just that I can't believe I'm broke again. Ugh! Major ugh!

There hasn't been any really good movie for the American summer flicks that arrived other than Batman Begins and War of the Worlds. That's kind of depressing, since I didn't overly enjoy Sin City or Fantastic Four. I am anxiously waiting for the next Harry Potter movie since the trailer looks good and it seems to be following from the third's mood and feel rather than the first two which I abhored. It looks like a good movie to watch with my friends, anyhow.

And lots and lots of CDs coming this year that I can't wait to get. Sheryl Crow, Mandy Moore, Nelly Furtado and Madonna are all coming out with new albums this year. Forever have I been waiting for Kate Bush but there are rumours it's pretty much done and ready to be released this year. And Fiona Apple is re-working Extraordinary Machine for release which is something I can't wait for. And I heard a new song which I can't get out of my head, Holly Palmer's Just So You Know which is bouncy and infectious. I love the song. I swear, when my credit card comes, I'm going to order it because I just have to have that song on command.

Things have settled and I'm sure that's going to change pretty soon by while things are the way they are, I'm going to enjoy it.

posted by wanggo @ 6:05 PM 0 comments

we interrupt your regular programming...

Oscar Wilde
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

I woke up today in a spritely mood. I was practically bouncing off walls. I was energetic and smiling and generally an amusing nuisance (but not an irritating nuisance or an obnoxious nuisance). I don't know why. There was no reason for this mood. I was just happy.

I'm so filled with energy, I could fly to the moon if I were given wings.

I can't sit down and write anything longer. My attention span is quickly depleting. I want to go unto the next thing... I'm off...

posted by wanggo @ 5:41 PM 1 comments

rains have come

T.S. Eliot
I had seen birth and death
But had thought they were different

Sometimes it is okay to go back to old things and to never let go. Sometimes, it is good to hold on to what was good. Just don't forget to constantly be going forward. Maybe there is a way to move on without leaving peices of ourselves behind, but bringing the past onwards with us. We constantly rebuild and what is there. We don't let it go. The weight would be heavy but if we reach our destination carrying everything good with us; then what a joyous arrival that would be.

The rains have come in full force and thinking of having to go through this city walking and taking jeeps and the metro train just seems so bothersome. I'm getting really, really sick of this; getting sick of being at the mercy of the elements. I don't want to go anywhere nearing regret -- but reading my journals again constantly reminds me of the things that I could have achieved already had I not denied the things that I really want in efforts to retain any semblance of individuality; of not being constantly compared to my father or having to accept the legacy of his genius by being in the industry where he truly shone. Had I just allowed myself to be myself, I could've been where I am now 3 years ago. After 3 years, can you imagine how much further along I'd be?

Of course, I won't take away the fact that everything I went through led me here and this is a good place to be. The wisdom I carry with me from my experiences is something I treasure but what about the experiences of that mirror? The world that could've been?

But I always say, never ask questions that cannot be answered. It will only serve to distract you from moving forward. So onward I go.

I just wished that I could go onward on a car. Just to get to where I want to go on the transient, surface level. The reality of actually moving forward, physically rather than the experiential moving forward that I keep talking about. Everything is just so expensive and taxis are becoming a bother, especially when they don't want to take you in as a passenger because they want to go somewhere nearer to crowded areas. What a piss off situation!

But I shouldn't start off my week in such a lousy mood. After all, after a horrendous 2 weeks, I've settled everything and I have another chance to try and redeem myself. The rains have come and they always have during this time of year and after 26 years, I shouldn't be so surprised. I've had my time for release and it may not have been the best choices for it, but I've done it and I should be happy with the choice.

Maybe I'll buy a motorcycle?

posted by wanggo @ 11:01 AM 0 comments

this morning

from The Rule of Four (written by Ian Galdwell and Dustin Thomason)
Perfection is the natural consequence of eternity: wait long enough and anything will realize its potential. Coal becomes diamonds, sand becomes pearls, apes become men. It’s simple not given to us, in one lifetime, to see those consummations, and so every failure becomes a reminder of death.

I put my glass of Thailand Ice Tea on a plate with my picture in it; one of those Hong Kong pictures that they mount on a plate. I am thirteen in that picture. I lost the stand a long time ago, so it lies on my book case, picture facing the ceiling. The glass covers my face, neck and shoulders completely.

I watch another sunrise but this time as someone who has just awakened; rather than someone who is just about to sleep.

I look out the windows facing the north; a black Starex pulls out from its parking slot in a modest looking compound. Someone's day has just begun.

I look out the windows facing East; a woman in a red shirt is walking. I don't know if she's going somewhere or coming home. I empathize with her.

A woman with red hair is singing in my room. She tells a boy that she won't hold on to the tail of his kite, she only sleeps with butterflies. He's a lucky guy, that boy she is singing to.

I watch the grey clouds float above Ortigas. They move quickly, pushed by the wind. They were fluffly and looked heavy with gloom. I can imagine beautiful tango dancers dancing upon them. I couldn't hear the music in my head, though.

Four birds invade my view, fly from left to right, circle in the air and fly back into view, right to left. Their wings simulating life -- rapidly beating up and down. The symbolism is not lost on me.

I take a puff from my cigarette. I don't notice until afterwards that it is my fourth straight stick. Something tells me that people are talking about me in whispers when I'm not around. I feel like I'm disappointing someone; not reaching someone's expectations. I take another puff from my cigarette. I exhale slowly.

I saw someone last night who looked exactly like my former best friend; only better looking, more dignified, kinder. It took me half a bottle of beer to explore all possibilities in my head. I resume my conversation with my friend.

I almost walked in the rain home last night. I didn't get far. My friend picked me up and brought me home. I watched the raindrops meet the windshield. I thought to myself, that could've been me.

I told my friend last night that my day-to-day is filled with a lot of anxiety, tension, pressure, stress and pain but in the totality, I'm happy of where I am. I'm where I want to be. He told me that his day-to-day is happy, always ending it with alcohol, simple pleasures but I suspect that the totality of his life is wanting something more. I wonder who is better off?

My best friend Jaypee wrote a blog about all his answers to the question why did the chicken cross the road depending on his mood and state of mind. I only have one answer to that question: because the chicken can do whatever it is he wants. I can only wish we were that free.

It's another day.

posted by wanggo @ 9:02 AM 2 comments

overwhelmed

Vienna Teng from Momentum
Would you let me do this
Burn down the final wall

Overcome me baby
Overcome me baby
Overcome me baby
Overcome me yeah
All I'm asking is to be alive for once

I am getting over-whelmed, once again, with the amount of work that needs to be done. It never ends, this waterfall of work. People have been doing this all their lives. People have been graduating and getting jobs and working and working without complaints. Or they do but they continue anyway. I feel like I'm about to fade away.

I always took the easy route. I would just quit and move along and try again somewhere else. I don't have the experience of really sticking to something long term. The only thing I can think of was school but then again, school was never this tough. My parents were more focused on what I was learning rather than what grade I brought home at the end of the term/semester/quarter. I was never the best of students and my parents never really cared. What they cared about was that I was learning something and that a lot of my education came from home with deep discussions about art, life and whatever else seems to be fluttering around the dinning room conversation. I'd like to think I'm properly educated even if my grades don't seem to reflect that properly.

And so, here I am, itching to leave as it gets tougher and tougher. It never ceases. But I don't want to leave. I want to prove to myself and to everyone that I got what it takes. I'm not one of those flighty wanna-be artists who run from anything stable or difficult. I don't want to be that way.

And I've always said that anything worth having requires effort. Anything that is worth it is tough. I don't want to buckle.

Post Script
What the hell is wrong with all the fucking ATM machines in this country?!?! Most of the time, them fucking metal boxes have no cash to dispense, or worse, are off-line! Is that what they call banking convenience? It's stupid! There was one night, I went to three Metrobank ATMs, 1 Malayan Bank ATM and 1 ATM (I can't remember which one, I think it was UCPB) and they were all off-line! Each one!

If you were going to tell me it's "almost convenient" banking or "sometimes 24-hours banking" then fine. But don't tell me its convenient because the times I need the cash, you aren't at all helpful... Ugh!

posted by wanggo @ 9:04 PM 0 comments

decent to slumber

Jeff Long from The Decent
Ike had vowed to keep his choices black and white. Stick to your code. Stray, and you died. If you couldn't decide a matter in 3 seconds, it was too complicated.

It's been a while since I've been able to get a good night's sleep in my own bed. Been living here in the office since Sunday evening so going home before the sun rises to sleep on my own bed is a welcome change. I can't wait.

I've been learning from my mistakes and trying my best to make sure they don't happen again. At the same time, I'm trying to push myself to do things in a different way. Try to explore more creative ways to do my job. Despite the fact that I'm burned out, I still want to push the envelope more. People do this. So many people do this and they've been doing it for years. I've been to spoiled by the freedom I abused -- when things got too tough, I stood up and left. I would just quit. I don't want to do that here. Not now and not with this show. Not with these people and not from this company.

Right now, when things started to seem bleak, 2 side jobs came up that will save me from absolute poverty. I hope they pay on time. It will be fun. I don't get to write for many live events and this will help build a resume, chuck it up to my experience and really just grow from all of this.

The money will be nice too.

What I can't wait for, though, is for my zips to come so that I can start practicing at home. I also want to get paid so that I can buy 2 new CDs. I was given the new Viktoria CD Here to Stay and it is good. Nice new arrangements and non-pretensious singing. It's just lovely melodies being sung in a heartfelt way. It's great. And I got to see her perform live when we shot her for the show. She's good. I got my CDs signed.

So I am tired. Smiling is painfully hard but at least I'm happy. The end of the day has come and things are good; things are all right.

posted by wanggo @ 11:49 PM 0 comments

half-way point

Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Life teaches you that the joy of love is not meant to lull you to sleep but to keep you struggling together.

I can't stand it that I'm supposed to do all the effort to make some relationships work out, you know? Why is the responsibility solely mine? It really pisses me off. There are many moments when people have told me that they are pissed at me because so much time has passed and I didn't even text or call. I would raise my eyebrow at this and look around for the hidden camera because that's so unfair. During that much time that has passed, did they ever text or call? And they are mad as all hell or being so snide or haughty about it and I'm just like fuck you! If it's about keeping in touch, let's both be texting or calling. If that person texts and texts and calls and calls and I don't do the same, then fine, point your finger and play your little games. But if you didn't even do your end, what's the point?

I'm kind of estranged from some people because I have a tendency of continuously moving forward and leaving people who tend to stagger and linger on behind. Some of them have the horrible tendency of getting mad at me for not keeping in touch, when, considering the fact that neither have they. I do not hear a peep, not a word from them and they have the audacity to get mad at me?

Fucking double standards...

My other problem is with certain people that you are trying to establish a relationship with and they tell you that they are oh so interested in getting to know you, in spending time with you but do not contact you at all and all reply to your messages but never initiate their own. After a while, I'm beginning to think that the interest is not at all mutual. Maybe I'm holding on to the words but not the reality; the reality is these people, I am guessing, don't really feel the same way. If they were as interested and really wanted to get to know me as they said they were, they'd be contacting me as well and not just replying to my texts, right?

I end up feeling so rejected after weeks of trying to build some sort of level of comfortability but it all goes to nothing. It doesn't seem natural to me if all of it is coming from me. There are just some people that you instantly hit it off with and both of you end up trying to connect with each other as often as possible.

And then there are those you never hear from unless you contact them first...

I hate these things. All the wasted time, the hoping and wishing, the expectations and whatever else that comes with these problems.

posted by wanggo @ 11:16 AM 3 comments

you are not allowed to forget

Kate Bush from Under the Ivy (written by Kate Bush)
It wouldn't take me long
To tell you how to find it

Sometimes, you have to find the joys with the smallest, simplest things in life; like a picture taking... and then taking it to its utmost level and just enjoying it -- capturing a moment in time. Last week, for our company ID picture taking; everyone in the TXTube team decided to go with a certain colour scheme and we turned it into some kind of pictorial. We then took the opportunity, all dressed up and stuff to have pictures taken of the group.


(1st row l-r: Pabsy, Ivan/Bam, Rica; 2nd row l-r: Nelz, Binky, me and Berna)


Of course, we took the opportunity to try out different poses and stuff. Cameras were brought out of the woodwork. It was a blast. We just played around and stuff. Rica called this picture the TXTube Mafia. The men and women behind the show. This is our toughie-look.

It's kind of fun being part of the team, really. Of course, I'm also running out of steam. My whole body clock is fucked up again and I always seem to just get 20 minutes of sleep on the first or second day of the week and then sleeping for 12 hours on the weekend and I find myself awake all night. This has got to stop.

I have to start waking up early so I can finish all my work in time but then, if I do that, I might as well kiss seeing my friends good bye since most of the time, the only time we can really see each other is at night. And with the workload I have, I can't really stay up so late anymore. It ain't a good idea any more.

It kinda works out, though since I don't want to go out anymore. I'm not a child of the urban night as I used to be. It holds no special place in my heart anymore. All it is, really, is a good memory but that's it. It's just good memories.

Lately, I haven't been able to really take care of myself and I'm just so tired and exhausted. I'm just going through the motions and not really adding something interesting to the mix. I'm just doing the best I can with the current situation. I'm burnt out, fuel's gone, engine in bad need of maintenance.

I end up having to look at pictures like these to remind myself that sometimes, I can steal a moment to laugh; to really laugh. I got to steal them a little bit more often...

posted by wanggo @ 11:15 AM 1 comments