Indulgence

fetal position

Pascal
The heart has its reasons that the reason does not know.

I cannot sleep on my back. I'm not one of those people who sleeps on their backs with their arms resting comfortably on their sides or flung about carelessly all over the bed. I read somewhere that someone who sleeps on their backs with their arms and legs in any comfortable position is someone who has very little insecurities. People who sleep on their sides, arms and legs tucked inwards -- the fetal position; have longings to be safe, longings to be back in the womb to be protected, to be safe.

I cannot sleep on my back. In a matter of seconds, I shift position to find myself on my side, arms desperately grabbing something to hold on to (which is why I need two pillows when I sleep, one for my head and one to hug). I don't know if that means I don't feel safe or protected. I don't know if that means I have insecurities that I'm not aware of. I don't know if that means I'm longing to have someone to hold to at night. But I know it means something.

Last night, in fits of waking and slumber, I would change my position in a violent sudden shift. From sleeping on my right side, holding on to a pillow, I would violently jerk to the opposite side, letting go of one pillow and then grabbing another one. Sometimes, I'd sleep on my front, my arms crossed around my chest and in a matter of minutes, the blood would stop flowing into my arms and they'd go numb. After a couple of minutes, I'd shift violently into another position. I would actually waken and then, knowing I was in a different position, I'd go back to sleep. I wonder if my fever had anything to do with that.

I have no memory of waking up on my back. I always wake up with my body facing one side, and either an arm or a leg had gone numb. And if that means I'm suffering from bouts of insecurity, maybe I should look into these things deeper.

Or maybe, I should just leave it as it is. It won't kill me anyway. And I'm asleep; what does it really matter?

posted by wanggo @ 6:56 PM 1 comments

road block

Aimee Mann from Save Me
Like Peter Pan or Superman
You would come to save me
C'mon and save me
If you could save me

I'm sick. All of a sudden, I can't leave my house because my head is throbbing with pain. My nose is clogged and I suffer from this horrible, horrible cough and I can't stand it. I thought it was just my chronic cough but it looks like I've grown up -- and that also means I'm no longer as strong and resistant as I used to be. I get sick now, just like everybody else. That sucks.

I'm like swimming in molasses and everything is fuzzy and it's hard to think. It's really hard to think. So I've been home since yesterday; trying to rest and get my strength back. My brother took the opportunity to watch a whole new season of South Park with him and I said "sure, why not?" Laughter is the best medicine, right? Well, I was laughing and laughing and that got me to cough more and more. I couldn't really enjoy it as much as I wanted to since the harder I laughed, the more I coughed and that sucks.

I stayed in bed and took my medicines and just read and slept. It was horrible. I haven't shaved and I look like a monster. I really look like a monster; with my hair all up and I'm wearing a day old of clothes and I have this sleepy look in my eyes and I have no strength to even smile. This is definitely a road block to constantly moving forward. This is static energy. Maybe I'll take this opportunity to write something. God this sucks. My head is throbbing right now.

At least, I've been able to finish the whole His Dark Materials trilogy. Fantastic book, really. I enjoyed every moment of it and I'm glad for having to stay home because I had nothing to do and had no strength to get up; so I just read. I finished 3 books already and have 7 more to finish before the year ends. It's good to know that I'm pushing to finish one of the year-end goals I set up for myself. I'll be reading the Steven Pressfield books next; maybe over the week end.

I really truly hate getting sick. All the wasted time just lying about trying to regain your strength. All that inactivity; it's gross. I hate it. The clogged and running nose, the head ache and the muscle pains and the joint aches. I hate this.

Someone please save me.

posted by wanggo @ 4:37 PM 0 comments

weeding

Liz Phair from Love/Hate (written by Liz Phair)
It's a war all the give and take
It's a war all the love and hate
And nothing's gonna change
And nothing's gonna change

How strange. A friend of mine whom I have not heard from in a long time found my e-mail address while blog hopping. He found this blog and, in turn, found me again. Now we are getting back in touch and I find that so cool. As Tesa had said, I'm weeding and all of a sudden, everyone is showing up and making their presence known. I feel like it's some sort mirror of my whole life and I can make better choices about what I want to get rid of in relation to my past. These people may be popping out from the woodwork and I end up remembering myself before. I feel like I can make a better assessment of myself with a constant reminder of where I was, where I am and where I want to bring myself to.

I'm happy about that. The universe is working with me in that regard.

There's still a lot of work to be done and I'm seeing everything much more clearly now. I had a good talk with my Dad the other night as I was driving him home and he told me encouraging things. He is seeing me grow, once again and he's happy and comfortable with the person I'm becoming. He never used the word proud, I would have stuck to that word like glue but he didn't use it. But I feel that he trusts me to take myself where I need to go and that I won't fuck up this time. That's very important to me.

In regards to weeding, I think I've decided to put Watching-Things-Burn to rest. It's done. It's died a natural death and I think I can let it go. I'd like to thank all the people who commented on that site and who helped me feel like I had something to say about things; that my opinion matters. To everyone who put it in their links; thanks, I am touched that you would not be ashamed to share that link with people.

But I feel that my thoughts are better shared with my experience than to make a blog all about my reviews of other people's work. Right now, I think it's about time I start focusing on my own and getting it out there.

It's time for sweat, blood and tears. I'm not super-charged but I am more than ready. It's just a matter of time now; a matter of time and a matter of blood, sweat and tears.

posted by wanggo @ 10:03 PM 0 comments

I've danced with the sun

Philip Pullman from The Golden Compass (His Dark Materials Book I)
"I wish..." she said, and stopped. There was nothing that could be gained by wishing for it. A final deep shaky breath, and she was ready to go on.

In but a matter of days of putting up short-term goals for myself, I find that it gets easier to do. When you put a deadline to things that you really want to accomplish, somehow, you get it done. And why not? Who else in this world do you want to please most but yourself?

I finished my first book -- The Golden Compass and I'll be reading the 2nd book from the His Dark Materials trilogy later on in the day. I'll get some sleep first since I was up all night doing all sorts of things. One of them was finishing the book; I also was in the comfort of being around family. It's how Sunday has become so much more important to me. It was something I couldn't truly appreciate as a child but I'm beginning to warm up to now that I'm older; and hopefully, wiser.

1 book down, 9 to go. But then again, 10 books in 3 months is not really that difficult for me. I just really have to set my mind up to it and the moment my eyes set on a page of well-written book, that's it. I'm gone. My whole being is in that book and I'm alone in that world.

And today, during zips class, as I struggled on my first real waterloo -- apparently I had been doing my downward weave all wrong and, without realising it, had been doing the upward weave instead struggled for almost 40 minutes forcing my body to get it right. Paulino, my zips mentor, was laughing because he could see the difficulty in my face as my whole body would tense, trying to get my body to move against its natural reflex. I had grown accustommed to tucking my arms in after my first beat in the weave and would change to an upward weave, which is a move I find more natural, more flowing. I had to resist the urge to do so all-through out the lesson and was mainly focused on that.

After the class, there was a request for Paulino to dance with fire and he agreed. When he brought out his fire zips, I saw three different kinds of fire zips -- based on size (the larger the zip, the more kerosene it could hold, thus lengthening the lifespan of the fire). He began to soak the smallest ones and I borrowed the middle sized ones so that I can get try to see the movement with the chain and the weight. After Paulino had performed and our friend Paolo did so as well, they told me I should try it out. I was frightened and my heart was pumping loud and fast. I was all so eager yet also afraid. What if I burned?

But I was urged on and it needed not much of it and next thing I knew, the zips were in my hands and it was lit and I had begun to spin them. Keep it on your side first and just swing them until you're comfortable and then try a maneuvre Paulino had called out to me but after 3 swings, I had measured out the heat and the weight and begun to do the movements I've been practising at home. After a while, you drown out from the crowd as you take in the sound of the flame in the air. It was a low rumble or maybe more like steady breath. I can't describe it as of yet, but it's there, right at your ears and the heat and the light is around you and I now know what it feels like to dance with the sun. As I said in a previous post, we don't always revolve around it, if we want it to, bad enough, you can make it revolve around you.

That's what I did. Simple maneuvres, nothing quite as beautiful or as adept as Paulino and Paolo but I wasn't afraid and I was ready. I just need to know more moves. I'll be ready to dance with fire before the year ends.

I'm wondering, as well, if this is already an accomplishment of one of my short-term goals -- to dance with fire. It can be; since that's what I did. But I want more. I want it to be more. I can't wait.

Saturday found me meeting up with my good friends Tesa and Jun. They are people I've met at Sanctum when I used to go and had kept them as much as I could. Jun is a friend of the family and I had discovered this during my many visits to Triccia David's Spoken Word at Malate before and we had become fast friends. Tesa I met once but loved her dearly and immediately. I got her number on that night and had tried to keep in touch as much as I could.

If you believe in Astrology, Tesa and I share the same sign and that might account for the reason why I feel she understands me and vice-versa. She tells me things and she doesn't need to expound or justify. I feel that way as well. And I feel that she understands me. And I am at awe of her and Jun -- people who are extremely comfortable in their own skins and they stand their ground in regard to the people that they've made themselves to be. And I want to take particular notice to that statement -- the people that they've made themselves to be and not the people they chose to be or the people they they are supposed to be. There is a deliberateness to their character and to just say chose would mean that they are still in the process of giving it meaning but when I say made they have chosen and they have realised it. And I am so comfortable in that kind of crowd. I admire that strength of character.

Later on, we were joined by their friends Adi, Kiko and Gian and we had a blast at Greenbelt and the Fort. I played the boat without a sail or a paddle; where the current led, I floated with it. I was at their mercy and I was not frightened. I had a blast, surprisingly, since I did not dance and I drank too much (but was very glad to have kept my wits about me, despite the fact that I almost vommitted but was able to contain myself).

We toasted to not apologising for who we are. And I beamed at that. I like that. We make no apologies whatsoever for who we are as people. Take me as I am or don't call me friend. There's nothing wrong with that. And I like who I am; or who I am turning out to be.

Tesa and I spoke a lot and as I was telling her my many anxieties, she went straight to the core and said that I was in the process of weeding. I was taking away all the things unnecessary to me and holding on to those that are. And I love it. It's a great word and I didn't even think that there was a word for it but there it is and it's so perfect. I'm weeding and slowly coming in to terms to what I've become and what that really entails.

So I am happy right now. Another fantastic weekend behind me and who can say that it wasn't. It will be a tough week filled with much work but who cares? I can hack it. I've become quite adept at making my weekends fabulous and in time, will learn to make my weekdays just the same.

posted by wanggo @ 4:38 AM 0 comments

just an update 09.23.05

Rumi
The soul is here for its own joy.

I finished Things Fall Apart last night and later tonight, I'm hoping to open the pages of His Dark Materials. The first of the ten books I will be reading before the year end starts tonight. Or, well, I hope it starts tonight. At least I know I'm starting to work on my short term goals. I've never been so conscious about it before.

Oh yeah, when I got home last night (or early this morning, if you want to be exact about it) I started zipping for about 30 minutes non-stop. I have to get really good and familiar with the flowing motion of the zips so that I get better. I'm dying to fire zip before the year ends.

And I didn't realise how much I'm enjoying Victoria Williams' album Water to Drink. I keep listening to it everytime I wake up and I like to bounce to its groovy melodies. She's very good. I love a lot of the songs in the album. I'm not very partial to her jazzy songs. I am not that fond of guitar jazz, preferring the piano. If I want jazz, I'd rather listen to Nina Simone or Mishka Adams. But Victoria Williams' folk songs are really good. She's a damn good guitar player too.

Right now, I'm think very addled about the amount of work I'm juggling. 3 segments I'm trying to put together and trying to get organised on how to put them together and I'm getting rushed to produce, to have a product to show but I just don't see the feasibility of doing it in a not so cost effective method. I'm trying to line everything up and doing it in one go to save money but people want results and they want it now. I just feel pressured and I just want to shut down. I really just want to shut down. *sigh*

I'm also thinking about cancelling Watching Things Burn, my other site. I haven't updated it in a long while and there's so much stuff I want to put there and write about but my heart isn't in it anymore, really. I just prefer to update this site.

So, if I can't update Watching Things Burn, there isn't a need to update it anymore, right? I'll think about it a little bit more...

posted by wanggo @ 4:43 PM 1 comments

excerpts of a chat on virtual space

Mark Doty from Atlantis
...lucky we don't have to know
what something is in order to hold it.

My friend Morx and I were chatting. And I found myself completely in tune to the things we were talking about. So I'm putting it here, for posterity.

We first started talking about a chill out album I had made for a group of friends. Some songs that clearly marked a definite point in our lives 2 years back. The ones that still stand out, according to Morx were Tanita Tikaram's You Light Up the World and Soon, Love, Soon by Vienna Teng. We remembered that time and I said those were fun times, huh? And he agreed. We thought about those moments and ended up talking about someone.

morx: There's one broken boy, if I ever saw one...
wanggo: i know...
wanggo: and 1 broken girl who's trying really hard to pick up the pieces...
morx: detritus of mistaken love
wanggo: and the trail of broken hearts he left...
morx: It has always been a wonderment for me: that to love is so easy and yet there are hordes of people who do it all wrong
wanggo: let it be said: people want love but only in a particular way... they don't let it come freely... it has to be on their terms; that's why it always fails
wanggo: love meets no one's demands...
morx: Interestingly, I never demanded for anything. Nothing. I was mostly happy to be in it. Weird noh?
morx: Ay! What a sucker!
wanggo: well, let is not be said that you didn't know how to love
wanggo: when i was in love with (name withheld), i never demanded either...
wanggo: let it not be said that i did not know how to love...
wanggo: but loved too much and not too wisely, i suppose...
morx: I think "too much" and "not too wisely" is just enough.
morx: it's the only way to go, i think, or else, what for?
wanggo: yeah... what for?
morx: There's no such thing as half-a-love, because half-a-love is not love.
wanggo: exactly!
morx: Love is the willingness to be pained.
wanggo: love isn't safe... love isn't suppose to be clean and neat
wanggo: i'm not saying love should be messy... but isn't it?
wanggo: when one is so vulnerable? things begin to spill over?
morx: Messy because it's the dissolution of a self to accommodate another...
wanggo: that's nice...

We then ended up talking about someone else and how my feelings have destroyed the friendship; how I came on too strong to that person. Morx, in the past, has been very instrumental in keeping me in line when I have started making things complicated in my life because of how I chose to act in regards to my feelings. Surprisingly, this was his response and it led us to a deeper discussion on what we want from the world.

morx: My former self would have blamed you for that.
morx: But my current self says that's how you are, so you can't be blamed.
wanggo: yeah... i've received tons of verbal beatings from your former self
wanggo: in hindsight, i think they were all deserved beatings
wanggo: it's just that i believe that love should hit us like an 18 wheeler truck going at full speed...
wanggo: it takes no prisoners, it has no mercy
morx: My concept of love is of slow burning, of kindled fire. Then, complete consumption.
morx: That's why I have time to consider.
wanggo: mine is like lightning -- striking when you least expect it; striking suddenly, without warning...
wanggo: it takes its time choosing carefully who its victims are
wanggo: it watches in the sky, observing, looking deeply into each one
wanggo: and then BAM!!!
wanggo: by the way, i'm thinking of putting this conversation up on my blog, okay?
wanggo: hope that is okay with you?
morx: Sure, no problem.
wanggo: i won't put people's names, no worries...
wanggo: i just like the way we are defining what love should be...
morx: Which is, to summarize, total, complete, utter.
wanggo: utter... it's complete consummation
wanggo: it should force you to surrender
morx: a succumbing fully to the heart
morx: yes
wanggo: do you think that that is the reason why we have been single for so long?
morx: Aside from the fact that most of the choices are... substandard? Yes.
wanggo: but that is what i meant...
wanggo: because the choices are substandard, there doesn't seem to be any reason to surrender yourself to the fire? to the lightning strikes?
morx: yes yes
morx: I wish things were easier though
morx: I really do...
wanggo: we are looking for something, it seems, that is not easily found here in this country...
morx: I'm willing to go for simple folks naman actually
wanggo: I can't... they have to be as ambitious and passionate as i...
wanggo: people who are simple, i can tolerate as friends...
wanggo: but i need, for a lover, someone who can match my ambition...
wanggo: they have to stand side-by-side with me
morx: Oh Lord, are there people like that?
morx: anymore?
wanggo: 8 billion people in the world, Morx... i doubt that we are alone in that category
morx: So you would consider foreigners?
wanggo: i'd have to now, right?
wanggo: but i'm not giving up hope...
morx: Me neither

We won't give up, I suppose to find that fire which could match us in intensity, brightness and heat. Why should we? We do all that we can to make ourselves better. Can't we demand for that same thing?

This is why I like talking to Morx. I'm forced to express myself in the best of my ability. His ability to comprehend is such that I do not need to speak plainly because he understands. He cuts clear into words and understands fully what I'm trying to say; so instead, I decide to match him in eloquence and grace of thought. He forces me to be more eloquent. He challenges my brain and my ability to create a metaphor -- to see this world as one.

I'm glad for conversations like this.

posted by wanggo @ 10:29 PM 0 comments

the almost-ending year

Abraham Lincoln
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

The year is almost ending. There are certain goals I want to put up for myself before the year ends. I don't know. I've never done anything like this before: making to-do lists. Being easily influenced by whatever grabs my attention at the moment, I'm horribly driven to one thing and then, after a month or so, I am horribly driven to do something else. So, it never seemed like a practical idea, for me, to go and make short-term goals and try to achieve them.

But this year, just for fun, I'll make a short term goal list of things I want to do before the year ends.

I definitely want to be able to do a nice set of fire zipping before the year ends. I want to be good enough to dance with fire. That's an easy one. That will be something I want to do and in the near future.

Since I'm scratching my reading itch again, after such a long time, I think it will be great to give a goal for myself on how many more books I'll get to read before the year ends. Lined up I've got the three books of His Dark Materials and then the two Steven Pressfield books -- the one on the Carthyginians and then the one of the Amazons. So that's 5 books. I've got a book that my friend from work (and from La Salle, actually) Paolo Ferrer is going to lend me. So that's 6 books. My short-term goal will be to finish 10 more books before the year ends. I think that's realistic.

And, in relation to reading, I think I should be writing more. I have to finish writing 2 short stories, 1 good publishable poem and another song before the year ends. That's a tough one to accomplish, considering my state of mind, but I think that it's a good goal to have.

I think it would be great to be able to have a new good friend before the year end, as well. So before the year ends, I want a new good friend. I should always be making my world grow and see and experience new things. Someone new thrown into the mix would only serve to make things better. Hmmm... That's a good one, I think.

I should watch another play before the year ends as well. I must never forget to be cultural. I am a cultured person. But considering my schedule -- 1 play is realistic and fair to myself. To ask myself to do more than 1 would be stretching it and would be putting unnecessary pressure.

And I should stop complaining so much. But that is impossible to do. So a short term goal for myself to stop myself from having a reason to complain is to force myself to go on 2 dates before the year ends. I should take the risk. Allow myself to get set-up or actually go out there, find someone that I'd be interested in and go on a date. Now that's going to be tough but it's what I want. 2 dates before the year ends.

Those are the short-term goals I plan to meet this year. Nothing too hard but quite easily left aside for more pressing concerns which should never really be the case. As people has been telling me -- my work should not be my life. I don't see anything wrong with it, but fine, I'll strive to be a more whollistic person (is that the right word?). I'll push myself towards the things I really want and really force myself to go the distance.

Oh yeah, and I'll see if I can spend my New Year's in a beach. That would be great. I'm planning on spending Christmas with my family in Bacolod, maybe I can go to Boracay for 3 days and spend New Year there. Well, as long as my family doesn't object. I haven't seen my sister and her husband and kids for quite a while but I've never spent New Years in a beach and I think it would be great. Even if I were alone. Just to be there and enjoy the cold wind and the sand and everything about the beach that I love.

Let's see if I can make that happen.

posted by wanggo @ 4:03 PM 0 comments

open book, turn the page, read between the lines

from my Dad
Bertrand Russel, when asked if he would be willing to die for his beliefs, replied, "Of course not! I may be wrong."

Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart is a nice book; quite insightful of things African which I never really knew. It reminds me of wanting to go to South Africa to see a world so different from what I know. South Africa, just the very mention of the word inspires me to wonder and to think of something so exotic. The Dutch colonization has given the country its fair share of tall, white, blonde-blue eyed populace as well as the black race. They speak Afrikaans as their main language but they also cultivated English (from what I read). A mixture of European trade culture (very Danish) and the super-natural beliefs of the Africans. There are a lot of African beliefs in Things Fall Apart which is very interesting to me. I love stories that are strongly influenced by mythology.

I read a short story of Chinua Achebe when I was studying fiction under Connie Maraan. It was The Sacrificial Egg and it was very good. I ended up teaching it in World Literature and had a great discussion about it with my class.

I'm really glad to be back to reading again. I don't really get that much fun from going out nowadays. If I do, I really just want to be able to see my friends and actually have a chat. If the conversation starts to break down, I'd rather say "Well, it was great seeing again, let's do this again, okay?" and then excuse myself, go home and read a couple more chapters of the book I'm currently reading.

Though, last night, I found myself going crazy dancing to the Black Eyed Peas' Don't Phunk with my Heart and yeah, I have to admit, I miss losing control on the dance floor and just giving in to the music. But then; I don't find myself wanting to do it too often anymore. Which is a good thing, really, because I get to spend less. And I should really learn to spend less.

When I finish with Things Fall Apart, I'm hoping to start on His Dark Materials which is suppose to be an intriguing book. At least, in this way, I can see my immediate future ahead of me.

posted by wanggo @ 2:04 PM 0 comments

Cinderella Men (and woman)

Chinua Achebe from Things Fall Apart
The sun will shine on those who stand before it shines on those who kneel under them.

I watched Cinderella Man with Berna and Darwin last night. It's a very good movie -- very uplifting, very moving, very inspiring. Russel Crowe, once again, gives a very stirring performance and has, once again, disappeared into his character. There's no Russel Crowe in that performance. He was James Jay Braddock. He's never the same person twice. He doesn't bring anything of his previous characters or himself to the roles. He's amazing that way. Whereas Renee Zelwegger has, as she has always done (except for Empire Records which I hated) brings about a connection between you and the characters that she has portrayed. And an excellent performance by Paul Giamatti. He was so charming and real and feeling and I was cheering along with him and hoping with him and I could see it all in his eyes that what I was watching was true. It's a wonderful movie.

Afterwards, the three of us went to Gilligan's for some drinks. It was a poker night except that nobody could make it to poker night so I opted to watch a movie and found myself wanted to drink because it was supposed to be a poker night. Oh no! I'm slowly programming myself. Dangerous ground... But what was nice is how I was able to bond with my two friends. Darwin and I have constantly teased each other in the office. We talk briefly and share laughs but we've never really sat down to talk like we did last night. Berna, on the other hand, is one of my closest friends and we've already been through so much together since we met last year. We see each other almost everyday because of work but we were both thinking how great it was to just sit down and talk and get to know each other again.

I don't know if we are different people when we are at the office but last night; she wasn't the person I see everyday at work. I got to see her as my friend, one of my closest friends who can tell me the truth about what she sees going on in my life and I wouldn't get hurt, no matter how painful it may seem to be. I miss her, despite seeing her everyday, I really miss her and I'm glad to have had that moment again.

We spoke about work and plans for the future. We talked about reading and poetry and people. We were talking about the networks -- the one we work for and the rival company trying to edge in on our turf. We made a toast to James Jay Braddock and how he inspired a nation during a great depression to keep fighting, to fight hard for family, for the things you love and believe in, to fight and not to give in to your desperation and to never lose hope.

It was a great night -- a good way to start the week.

posted by wanggo @ 4:26 PM 1 comments

"Atlas, please stop shrugging..."

Anonymous
Culture is what is left after you have forgotten all you have definitely set out to learn.

I finally finished Atlast Shrugged and I am so happy to be over with it. This supposed monumental work of fiction, this supposed masterpiece of one of the twentieth century's greatest thinkers is really just 1074 pages of propaganda. I can't believe I read through it all. Ayn Rand is the type of writer whose characters can explain the complex emotions of being two months away from a person you love and when, they smile, they understand the complexities of everything they feel -- from the remorse they felt of the action, but the acceptance of whatever decision it is they feel. I've met many people in my life and I know that people are never that expressive, through the eyes or the smile.

Ayn Rand is the kind of writer whose heroes are all beautiful and exceptional and extraordinary while all her antagonists are mindless, depraved and are physically inferior to her heroes. There are no gray areas in Atlas Shrugged, only the absolute principles of her vision.

She has written a book, a 1074 page book, for that matter, so that the story can eventually lead up to a 30 page monologue of a man who espouses her idea of the world and what it should be like. Over 30 pages!!! I didn't read it. I've already understood in, being said in so many different terms, throughout the rest of the book. I could not stand another lecture.

I understood everything the moment I had reached the end and discovered she was born in Russia at 1905. She suffered in the hands of Communism and was saved by the American capitalist mindframe. She was growing up during the times of the great depression that struck in the 1920s and it explains the sort of story-telling and the over-dramatic way of how some of her characters think and speak. But I believe that the book is horribly out-dated. Horribly, horribly out-dated.

But if anything, I'm glad to have read it just to say that I have read an Ayn Rand book and I can say that I don't like her writing and be fair about it. Some people have told me to read it and I always said "No, thanks. My Dad said it wasn't the kind of book for me..." but that wasn't a fair statement to make. I was moving on the recommendation of my father; not my own. And at my age, I should be making my own decisions, right?

What I like about reading the book is that it gives me a larger grasp of the world. I see through the eyes of someone who truly believes in the capitalist machinery. It was a good education and if ever I find myself teaching Literature again and I reach a student who speaks about Ayn Rand in a positive manner; I have the proper tools to defend whatever opinions I might have to say in regards to it.

The weekend was enjoyable again, for me. Saturday, I was celebrating my niece's first year birthday. I was zipping for the amusement of whoever wanted to watch. My niece had a grand time that she kept jumping from the arms of each of the guests. She reached out to be held by another pair of hands and enjoyed all the attention. She is such a darling. The most magickal moment was when she was brought up front to blow the candle out of her cake and what took her attention was everyone looking at her. She paid no attention to the candle, just to the people as she smiled at them, sparkles in her eyes and began to wave. She is royalty because she acts like a princess and she knows she is loved. What a darling child!

I finished the book on Sunday and went out with my brother, his wife and my mom and watched Terry Gilliam's The Brother's Grimm and while I enjoyed myself, found it fun. I was a little disappointed. I preferred 12 Monkeys and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I found The Brother's Grimm enjoyable but not as deep as his previous films. And while there is nothing wrong with making an enjoyable film; I guess I was sort of expecting more from Terry Gilliam, who is one of my favourite directors of all time.

There was a trailer, though, that really grabbed my attention. In Her Shoes with Toni Collette, Shirley Maclaine and Cameron Diaz; the movie looks absolutely moving and wonderful. It also helps that I totally love Toni Collete and I truly think she is one of the best actresses we've got right now.

We also ended up buying a lot of books, so I know that I'll be able to get rid of Atlas Shrugged from my mind pretty soon.

Another good weekend. I keep gathering them like beautiful, coloured marbles. I think it's good for me. I wasn't able to fit in an hour of wall-climbing, though. That's something I got to work on soon.

posted by wanggo @ 3:27 PM 0 comments

Clarity

Lisa Marie Presley from S.O.B. (written by Lisa Marie Presley, Cliff Magness and Glen Ballard)
You said I won't forget and I don't remember
And you said that I was someone I'm not and I fell on my face
You said I wouldn't rot but worms are crawling on me
Well, I'm just a son of a bitch no matter what you say

I was reading some of my old e-mails the other day. I kept an account of a lot of them. Things I don't want to forget. It shocks me to think that I've been feeling, I don't know, I don't want to use the word but the closest that comes to mind is lonely. Well, that's not true. I have no reason to feel lonely. The word I want to use is a lack of intimacy. I've been able to get a lot of emotional and intellectual stimulation. Physical stimulation is rather easy to be found but it's not really very gratifying. What I've been feeling is a severe lack of intimacy which is why I've really been dying to go on a date for a while. I don't even want it to end towards a relationship. I'm not sure if I'm ready for one; I just want to have that moment of trying to connect with someone, the little flirtations, the give and take of compliments and little truths and the like. I just want the promise but not the realisation.

I find it funny to be reading my old e-mails and finding such amazing connection with people. I want to share some of it.

I wrote this to someone:
You move me. What can I say? But you move me. And Ithink you know me more than anybody else in thisworld. And you may not know the stories of my growingup, of my day-to-day like my family do. But you know me.

And in the reply letter, this was written to me:
i love hanging out with you. i can be myself. i can actually be myself. i can actually be who i am when i am alone... when i am with you. you dont know how surreal that is to me. nobody knows who i am.. i am a liar. i'm a sick person and i don't like it but what can i do, right? and there you are.. talking to me and making me feel so special. i feel so special. you set me free... i can release this side of me that's been hiding. now that it's lose... i'm one hell of a lighter and more enjoyable person to the others... the others who dont know the reality of me.. the ones who are being fooled. i can face them and know that it's okay. coz i know i have you to turn to.

I forgot, looking at the totality of the past, that I did love and I was loved back. It was a magickal moment, clandestine and private and intimate. There were moments I thought I wanted to hide away from the world and just be with this person. I forgot that I had felt it. If I wanted to, I could hold it in my hands. It was tangible.

I look around me and I don't seem to find anyone who could match the intensity, who could fan the flames and whose flames I could make brighter. My world, I must admit, is much smaller than it was then. But then, I was so open, so vulnerable but now, I feel, I'm just too safe.

And then, there's this part in another letter to the same person where, for one moment of clarity, I seem to have been able to put down all my anxiety that has been troubling me for a long time. I read it again and said to myself wow, that makes everything so clear to me.

In the end, I guess, all I am really looking for is redemption. That if anything good comes my way, I feel like I don't deserve it because I've been bad. But the truth is, when good things come our way, it isn't a reward for anything. It is just that it does.

24 years have I been alive and if it is anything that I learned, some of the most difficult things in the world to do are being grateful, being happy and believing in yourself.

And honestly, if I could learn to be grateful, if I could believe in myself; I would be very happy. I'd be very successful.

That's it, really. Many of my hang ups in the past was my inability to accept the blessings that have come. It's not an easy thing to do, I suppose, to just accept but if you learn it; if you manage to believe in yourself that you are worth all the rewards of your hard-work and that nothing stands in the way of what you earn; how much happier could you be?

I was 24 when I wrote this, my God! This was 2 years ago. These are things I am no longer plagued by but it was everything that was troubling me before. That fear was so real. Now, I do believe in myself and I am learning to be grateful and I'm using it and it is making me happy. That's amazing. It's like reading my journal but it's more insightful because I'm communicating with someone else and it has more clarity because I need to be understood by someone else. I can't take it for granted that they'd understand me immediately.

That's one of the magickal effects of intimacy, of connection -- the ability to make clear what is in your head because it is to be expressed. For it to be understood, you have to be able to cut straight to the core and be able to express it in the way that it can be moving, it can be inspiring. I miss that. Some strange way, my language, my way of speaking and of expressing myself is set to the tone I've grown accustommed because I'm surrounded constantly by people who know me so well. There is no need to make things clearer; they know my intentions from what I say and how I say it.

That's it! I see it now; I want to meet new people so that I have to struggle to be more precise. I want that again. To have to struggle to connect and to make things clear.

It's the trouble with the language, with any language, that it is not enough because, maybe, it does not fully define intention and feeling. It can only do the best it can and it is up to the receiver to fully grasp it with their own experiences. That's the magic of communication. That's why I love it so much...

An epiphany. This is going to be a good day.

posted by wanggo @ 5:02 PM 1 comments

the many steps forward

Ayn Rand from Atlast Shrugged
Her work was all she had or wanted. But there were times, like tonight, when she felt that sudden, peculiar emptiness, which was not emptiness, but silence, not despair, but immobility, as if nothing within her were destroyed, but everything stood still. Then she felt the wish to find a moment's joy outside, the wish to be held as a passive spectator by some work or sight of greatness. Not to make it, she thought, but to accept; not to begin, but to respond; not to create, but to admire. I need it to let me go on, she thought, because joy is one's fuel.

Reading more and more of Atlas Shrugged. It's a whole lot better than lying in my bed, in the dark, waiting for sleep to hit me. At least now, the book is moving faster. Rand is a little too verbose for me -- pages and pages of an emotion. I can understand now why my Dad doesn't like her. Her book almost reads like propaganda. There is a message she wants to share with us but she lays it on too thick. I'm sorry, but I'm not light-weight. I'm not what she calls a looter in her book. I get what she says through her story; not her over-expressed way of writing. But I'm driven by her characters -- Dagny Taggart, Hank Rearden, Francisco D'Anconia. I love these people who are not moved by what people want from them but they are moved by their own passions. These are things that I believe in. People will benefit from my dedication to what I am passionate about; not by what I choose to give them as acts of charity, no, but by the products of things that I make for myself.

So, yeah, the book moves me to think about one's dreams and ambitions and how it should always constantly be making them move forward. The book is showing me a glimpse of the world, as I perceive it, and showing me some new ways of looking at things. I'm not saying I'm moving towards Objectivism; at this point, I still don't know exactly what it means and what it stands for. I'm just saying that I'm just looking at things differently. If anything, I'm sure that is what Berna wanted me to do, to look at the world with a different set of standards; even for just a while.

I end up thinking about how ambitious and driven I can be sometimes. I have often told people that one of the reasons why I have stayed single is because I need to be with someone as driven and as ambitious as I am. Someone who is simple and laid back about goals and desires and dreams would only be left behind as I continue to take as many steps forward, closer to my ambitions as I can. If they end up lagging behind, I might just leave them there. I need someone who can walk beside me through our respective journeys, step-by-step.

I was asked by someone recently whether it wasn't a better idea for me to find/look for someone who was my opposite -- that maybe I could benefit from someone who sees the world in a different light. I admit that sometimes, that works. It is my particular opinion that I believe that my parents are very different people, almost polar opposites but they've used that to their advantage in their relationship. As the cliche may go, they complimented each other, and filled out the missing parts of each other. It could work. But not with my personality. I can be very demanding. I need someone to match me, not be afraid of me, stand up to me.

Like I said, as much as I admire and sometimes envy a person who wants a simple life; I have a very hard time finding much respect for them. I understand their need for less complications and that happiness can be found in the little things and that can sustain a person. But I grew up, somehow, always searching for greatness and always seeing the greatness in others. I seem to have this ability to see the potentials in people (which is why I like people, in general and as individuals) and I am attracted to it. I see it in myself and am constantly doing whatever I can to realise it; to bring it to the fore. I'm always pushing myself and I find a person who is constantly pushing himself/herself to the limits of their ability an amazing person. I'm attracted to this kind of character. But once I see that someone has all this potential and is just happy to sit around and go through the day to day without any real goal; I tend to be turned off immediately.

Let me just state that there is nothing wrong with wanting a simple life and there is nothing wrong with being ordinary (if that is the choice); it's just not for me. And so I see it, in a way, as something not for my partner.

I look at myself and I have this delusion of grandeur and I want to do everything I can to achieve it. In a way, I think we all have that potential and it is ours to achieve if we can just keep pushing ourselves and not giving up.

I guess that is why despite the long-winded way of writing that Ayn Rand has, I won't put the book down and shove it aside for another work. I am attracted to the characters of Dagny Taggart, Wyatt Ellis, Eddie Willers and the rest of these great people not because of any extraordinary gift (in my opinion) but because of their desire and passion to do something good and to do what they want to do well.

In a way, that's what I believe in.

Ayn Rand from Atlas Shrugged
She had always been -- she closed her eyes with a faint smile of amusement and pain -- the motive power of her own happiness. For once, she wanted to feel herself carried by the power of someone else's achievement. As men on a dark prairie liked to see the lighted windows of a train going past, her achievement, the sight of power and purpose that gave them reassurance in the midst of empty miles and night -- so she wanted to feel it for a moment, a brief greeting, a single glimpse, just to wave her arm and say: "Someone is going somewhere..."

And so while it may seem like a strange concept, yes, I can enjoy the achievements of others and be happy for others. Sometimes, as a part of my act, I like to play the glory hound, a person who is always after the spotlight. Yes, that is how I am, in person, but I'm not a 2-dimensional character. Once in a while, it is great to bask in the glory of someone else's achievements. It's great to surround yourself with succesful people and be awed and inspired.

Unlike the reality of the world of Atlast Shrugged where man, as a majority, began to no longer aspire; there are still so many great men and women in this world and it's great to get to surround yourself in their awe. I can't believe that I couldn't go to see Neil Gaiman while he was here. And do so enjoyed reading Neverwhere, American Gods and his Sandman series. For the Pink Film Festival, I heard that Ian McKellen was here to receive an award. It would have been great to see him and talk with him. A distinguished gentleman of his talent, stature and everything that he has accomplished... Wow!

And there are times when I just want to surround myself with people like me, still struggling to achieve the level of success that we always wanted. To know that you aren't the only one in the game and that you aren't the only one in the struggle.

To love something so much that your whole body resounds and moves in accordance to it. I wonder why I am like this? I don't think my parents raised me any differently from my siblings and yet I seem to be the only one who is striving for such heights. Or maybe I'm the only one who is very vocal about it. I wonder, does that make ambition an inherent trait rather than one that is picked up?

And if it were, does that mean I will always, constantly fight for that level of success until I die? That I will really never slow down, no matter what it costs?

I just know, deep down inside, with 8 billion people in the world, it can't be lonely at the top. The top is big enough for everyone who wants to be up there and works doubly hard to get there. No, I don't think it would be lonely at all...

posted by wanggo @ 6:05 PM 1 comments

disappointment

The Cardigans from Live and Learn (written by Nina Persson and Peter Svensson)
I got blistered and burned and lost what I earned
But I lived and I learned, yes, I live and I learned

I got it now

Disappointment flutters around me like a flock of vultures and buzzards with their wrinkled necks and large beaks and hungry eyes. They glide in the air around me and they are watching. They refuse to fly away.

At this very moment, I see no good in most people. In times of great disaster, like Hurricane Katrina destroying 80% of New Orleans, I've heard reports of massive theft, rape and assault. I heard how some people have robbed gun stores and tried to shoot down rescue helicopters. It's all hearsay but how come I do not doubt it?

People play mind games and until now, our computer at home is filled with viruses. Everyday, my yahoo mail acquires tons and tons of bulk mail -- spam messages and forwarded mail trying to invite me to watch free porn. Can't they leave us alone? If someone wants it, they'll search for it. What's the whole point of all these viruses? You're smart enough to create a program which replicates itself and then sends itself to all the e-mail addresses on the infected person's address book. You can even create spyware programs. Why don't you just get a real job, you fucking loser? You think you're better off than all of us who are computer illiterate? How I wish one day someone pulls a gun on your ass, you fucking asshole and sodomizes you 16 times with a lead pipe before pulling the trigger.

There are liars and fakers and thieves and traffic violators and people who talk on their phones in movie theatres. There are terrorists and murderers and rapists and kidnappers. I hope each one dies a slow and painful death and have their bodies used as fertiziler for the next rain forest. They don't deserve a marked grave where people can grieve. Their deaths are reasons for celebration and joy. I'll host a party.

The Cardigans from Live and Learn
I stared into the light to kill some of my pain it was all in vain
Cause no senses remain
But an ache in my body and regret in my mind but I'll be fine

I'll live and I'll learn
If you live you will learn

I go through this world and there are people who use me and hurt me and lie to me and they don't even know me. They can't fathom what I've been through and what I go through everyday and they go out there and do these things. They think they can. They don't realise what is at stake. This world can't stand another bleeder. Because if I bleed, it will be known. I will make it known. And I am capable of making such wonderful, beautiful things. What this world want is a fantasy but I can be a mirror of I choose rather than the world behind the looking glass.

I live and I learn but I'm learning that this world and a lot of people in it don't deserve the air they breathe, the space they move about in. All I need is a license from God; I can be a sin-eater. I'll gladly pull the trigger. Right now, there is a blackness in my heart that light cannot erase. No flame, no fire can burn within it.

I will ride this out. I don't like myself this angry. But I've got some wishes right now. And they are not pretty. No, these wishes are not pretty.

posted by wanggo @ 6:40 PM 2 comments

reunion

J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, the Church of the Subgenius
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to.

Another great weekend. I seem to be collecting these, as of late, huh? Friday found me with my friends playing poker again and this time, I was winning. I made a killing last Friday and knowing how my luck runs, this whole week, I'll be losing and losing money like a blonde 16-year old with a new credit card. Ha Ha Ha Generalising! Sorry...

Anyhow, I was desperately trying to find someone to connect with last Friday. I didn't want to go out with my friends because I see them all the time. I tried making a date with some really old friends whom I haven't seen in a long while but they were all busy. My bad; of course they would have plans. Not everyone can handle the spontaneous schedule I have and my sudden urge to just go out and ask someone if they are free at that very moment. My bad. Then the poker group said we could have a game and blam! I was drinking again and winning every other game. Felt great, really. Felt really good.

Saturday found me waking up really, really late and then heading to Greenbelt to meet up with my old friends from college -- my co-Literature majors. I saw Morx, Carol and Kimi and had a fabulous time with them. We ate the usual fantastic meals from Uva and then drank a little and just talked until 2am. I realised that other than Morx and Mel, my other friends from Literature I have very fond memories of but I don't really know them. We enjoyed many classes together and talked a bit but we never really hung out; I only got to do that with Morx and Mel and briefly with Pia, Pee Wee and Ma Chere. Michap is a special case because we ended up working together and we were the same batch. Everyone else was a batch younger. We just ended up taking classes together because my batch was too small so we moved our classes a bit so we can join them. It was great to just hang around and talk and catch up with our lives. It was a wonderful thing to do and I'm so glad I spent it that way.

Sunday found me going wall-climbing again and pushing my body to the limit again after such a long time and right after, zips classes. I finally got to do a weave and the backward butterfly. It's so cool. I just love it. All of a sudden, it doesn't seem so far off to be thinking about fire dancing in the future. I enjoyed it so much.

That evening, my cousin from Bacolod, Aio was in town and the cousins decided to meet up. Aio will be getting married soon and I think they were in town to finish up some stuff. It was just so cool to hang out with my cousins. I don't usually get to hang out with Yciar as much anymore and I really enjoy Inigo and Karla's company. Altogether, the family was at our usual best -- funny and remembering the good times as much as looking forward.

I like the idea of not working on the weekends; as if I really had a choice before but now, at least, I'm enjoying life fully and really connecting to many people again. I think that was the problem I was having for a while. I enjoy the company I keep but I was beginning to find my world too small and so I reach out to as many people as I can; even if they don't really mean anything to me. Now, I search out people that truly matter -- old friends and family and find that connection I'm looking for.

So yeah, I really had a great fun weekend. Hope you had one too.

posted by wanggo @ 4:43 PM 1 comments

Regret is being dissatisfied with the present

P.J. O' Rourke
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

I can't stand those stupid shit heads who put advertisements on my comments page to their fucking services. Cat themed furniture?!?! What the hell?!?! Aren't their stupid pop-up advertisements annoying enough that they have to go to my blog, not read a single line and then post their advertisements on my comment page? These guys are getting sneaky and ruthless. On one entry of mine, I found 3 of these annoying things praising me for an awesome blog but they obviously didn't read it. All they care about is that someone who reads my blog and comment pages might click the link to their site. No respect. There's just no respect these days.

Sleeping habits are getting really bad these days. Today, I fell asleep as the sun was coming up. I was in bed by 4am but I couldn't sleep. My eyes just wouldn't stay shut; my mind kept working. Annoying!

At least I was able to have a really nice, long talk with my brother Jubal whom I haven't seen since my last trip to Bacolod (which I think was last December). We talked and talked about everything -- being single, feeling that interesting things happen in the periphery of our lives but never directly towards us, of regret and how his friend Roy had said that regret is being dissatisfied with the present (very astute observation), and so much more.

I miss my brother very much. I can't wait to see him on November when I leave for Bacolod to attend my cousin's wedding. Another family member getting married. What I hate about weddings is that I have to buy leather shoes. I am not very fond of leather shoes because I don't wear them at all. I only wear them for formal events and I don't attend very many formal events in a year. In fact, I think my cousin's wedding will be the only reason why I'll be wearing leather shoes this year! I find it a waste of my money (for me, anyway) and so it really bothers me. I'm hoping my old leather shoes are still salvage-able and that a little quick trip to the shoe repair man would help me solve my problem regarding spending for leather shoes.

I'm really a rubber shoes or sandals type of guy.

posted by wanggo @ 4:43 PM 7 comments

just an update 09.07.05

from a text message
It's not what we gather, but what we scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

Haven't been sleeping well lately. I'm usually out like a log and I can't seem to sleep early. I can't seem to get sleepy before 3. That's making things problematic. Last night, I was in bed by 1 in the morning and I still couldn't get to sleeping. I tried everything: counting sheep and relaxing and all that jazz and nothing worked! I tried zipping and while it did tire me out a bit, I think the endorphins kicked in and made me even more awake. I had to watch Irreversible just to get out of it. Unfortunately, the movie was so riveting that I ordered a Champ from Jollibee and treated my brother to one and thought about the movie a bit more while smoking. No, it wasn't helpful at all.

Work has dipped but it's all been planning lately and very soon, it's back to working like mules. A lot of brainstorming and after a while, after several hours of continuous thinking, you kinda run out of ideas and so the meetings have to end, eventually. But there's no point, really if I can't sleep early. I don't want to result to taking pills just yet. Not just yet.

I'm also stressing over the loss of two of my CD cases with my compiled music. It's unnerving. Over 30 CDs lost to the void. I don't know where the damn hell it is! I don't even have a clue. I'm beginning to think I should stop lending out stuff because, maybe, there are just people out there who don't really know how to take care of things. They don't even remind you that they still have it. I hate that. It's annoying and disrespectful.

Just an update. Not much new has entered my head as of late...

posted by wanggo @ 11:03 PM 0 comments

a new tattoo

taken from a forwarded text message
Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give...

I want a new tattoo. I want something at the back of my arm. I already have 2 tattoos. I want my third one. My body needs to remember some things. In a strange way, that's what the two other tattoos are for. They are there to remember some things.

The first one is what my family and I call a dragonfish. We found it on the chapter breaks of a children's book. Surprisingly, the fish is eel-like, very colourful and with lots of fins; so yes, it's a fish, not just an eel or like some people have thought, a parrot. It's body curves inwards and it looks like a letter "G." How apt! my father thought, while he helped me decide. So that night, 3 of us got our tattoos done courtesy of a friend of my father, paid for by my father. For an hour and a half, I bit a pillow to avoid screaming in pain. While the tattoo artist was very skilled, he had a heavy hand. My back bled for 2 days but the tattoo is beautiful.

Coincidentally, the tattoo came right after my first ever break-up. Things ended badly and I realised a lot of things -- that no matter how the other wants to keep the relationship, if it's over, it's over. We should let go. I was no longer in love and I said it was over but one drunken night later we were back together and I held on because the other wanted to as well. It was all down hill from there. And that was 6 months of torment for my ex. I was no longer in love (and in hindsight, I don't think I ever fell in love) and I realised how my selfishness could hurt so much. I'm not really sure, but I think it had a devastating effect on my ex as hearing my ex cry in the phone and get really pissed at me had a devastating effect on my person. For 3 and a half years after that moment, I didn't see anyone and I abstained from sex. I was 17, 18 when we broke up and it was a truly great fall from a very high pedestal. The fall hurt. I bruised myself greatly.

Other thing I learned? Don't get together with someone you don't love. Sometimes, friendship is not enough because there are things you can tolerate from a friend but you would not tolerate from a lover. We were best friends but were unable to get the ones we wanted and it hurt. So we decided to get together. It was a wrong decision. Big mistake.

So when my dad asked several days later if we wanted tattoos I was eager for it. The pain was humbling but more than that, I never really forgot these lessons. I go to the mirror and peak at the head of the dragonfish looking at me and I will never make the mistake of getting together with someone just because I can't have the one I want. I won't hold on to anyone for my convenience. When one must let go, then we must let go. That's what the dragonfish reminds me everyday.

The second tattoo came a year later or a year and a half later and this too comes with a story and a lesson. Unlike the first one, this one was totally a spontaneous decision on my part. I had fallen in love with a weak person. I spent my every waking hour ensuring that everything my object of affection needed was met. I would carry bags, get water and little snacks and would protect my object of affection from the jokes of people. If anything, my object of affection was untouchable. I had centered my whole life around this person and when this person ended up with someone else, I was crushed.

Near De La Salle University, where I studied, was a studio for a tattoo artist, one of the best, Avatar Arts. I went there on a whim (I think I missed a class for that one) and then stepped in and was lucky enough to find out that he had no appointments, he could take me. So we went through his clearbooks of different designs and I found an elephant drawn in a Japanese-Kanji type of art style. I thought it was cool but I wanted the trunk moving upwards rather than down (there are superstitions regarding the direction of the elephant's trunk in paintings and sculptures). I had it placed on my stomach. The tattoo artist was a master, it barely hurt and it didn't bleed at all.

Previous to that, my Mom, having gone deeper and deeper into a spiritual path that merges Buddhism, shamanism and your own personal religion, had me meet her Shaman/Guru several times and in what session with her Shaman/Guru, I discovered that my power animal is the elephant; which is really cool for me because I really love elephants. I think they are majestic and beautifully gentle creatures who can also be awesome and terrifying when needed.

I had to remember myself. That, as my power animal, I too have the capacity for being gentle and loving and friendly but if need be, I should be terrifying and awesome. As I can lift trees and uproot them to clear a path for you, I can also crush you underneath my massive feet (do elephants have feet or hooves?). I should never have lost myself in the pursuit of love, or anything for that matter. By being subservient (especially since it was not asked of me) I had sunk beneath my worth and lowered my own value. It was a gross display of... of something... It was horrible. It was useless and a total waste of my time. And I had acted like I lost when they got together. It was such a blow to my ego.

The elephant on my stomach reminds me of my power and the amount of what I can do but not to waste it all away on one push; I can be over-whelming as anyone else can be. And love when thrown around in that manner, is a weapon, not a gift. It reminds me that I should never lose my self or my identity on the pursuit of anything -- even happiness.

And last year... I keep talking about last year and all that happened and all that I learned and how much I've grown since then. It needs a tattoo. I need to be reminded of what I've been through. A tattoo, after all, were marks of great victories of the tribes of before. They would scar themselves to show all what they've been through. I wish to do the same. Adorn my body with images of the things that will remind of what I've been through.

Because we are not allowed to forget.

posted by wanggo @ 2:36 PM 3 comments

great weekend

Robin Williams
You're given only a little spark of madness. You musn't lose it.

I slept the whole day of Saturday. Friday was unbelievably stressful. It was the culmination of 3 days of straight brainstorming. I was going nuts. I was out of ideas and I was trying to throw them in the air; hoping someone could make use of them, turn it, change it and make it into something that we could use. I was just so out of it.

And then, my segment didn't air that night because the files got corrupted somehow and so while we finished late (but basically, we could have made it), the computer couldn't render the files fit for airing because somehow the files got corrupted. And so I wasn't able to show one of my more compelling segments. I felt so bad, I got drunk. I got really drunk that night and went home on Saturday morning with the sun slowly rising.

I woke up in time for a delicious lamb chop dinner cooked lovingly by my brother. He also invented this unbelievably tasty salad with cherry tomatoes, 3 kinds of mushrooms and clams. Wow! The taste was very strong and the texture was quite chewy but occasionally, you'd get a cherry tomato in your mouth and it would just pop and the juices would fill your palate and it would just surprise you. Delicious!

Afterwards, I went out with my good friends Berna and Anne. We watched a movie and then had drinks. We went to Saguijo for some rock music and I rocked to the music of Giniling Festival (they were really good) and we took a look at I Love You Store on top but the stuff were mostly for girls. After a while, we were not quite as prepared as we thought we were for Saguijo so off we went to Embassy to go dancing.

Bigfish had invited Serge Devant from New York to spin and he laid down the most dance-able set ever. We were dancing away all our stress; after all, Berna works with me so she was stressed out as I was and Anne has been working non-stop for the past 3 months as well. We all needed. Serge Devant was amazing. He didn't just spin music; there was a performance quality to the way he worked that turntable. He would dance, tease, watch the audience and play with the volume so people were driven crazy with the desire to move. And he would work the music, lay of an up tempo beat for a couple of minutes to get people into a groove then he'd dip it and we would wait for it before he'd set it up to peak and then go crazy into wild tribal beats. Suffice to say, I danced my heart out that night.

Sunday found me going to Valle to take zipping lessons with a friend, Paulino, who is an absolutely great zipper and, I discovered, a good teacher. In 2 hours, I managed to learn 4 turns and now I'm excited for zipping. Modesty aside, I was learning pretty quickly and I joked saying I was a natural zipper. I wish that were so. It is so much fun and I didn't realise how much you perspire and what a work out it could be. I can't wait to learn more moves and to start incorporating my dancing to it. I also can't wait for the day I start dancing with fire. That's my true goal.

I watched movies with my brother that night and practiced a bit more so that it becomes reflex and I went to sleep.

In short, I had a great weekend.

posted by wanggo @ 3:20 PM 0 comments

Saturn, the taskmaster planet

Fiona Apple from Extraordinary Machine (written by Fiona Apple)
If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it the road just rose up behind me
Be kind to me or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

3 days of brainstorming... my brain is wracked; it's been ravaged and now it lays dry. I feel empty. I feel like a sponge, long dried and yet someone is still squeezing, looking for any semblance of moisture. Surprisingly, there are yet some drops that remain to fall. There is water yet in this shell of mine.

Jaypee found this on the internet. I don't know how it's done but it's amazing. And Jaypee, knowing me so well, put something that is very akin to my personality on the wall, of course, thankfully, he didn't put my number. But somehow, the words are very true. It's me all right, down to a tee. It's how I feel right now.

I found this on an astrology website talking about people who share the same sign with me.

Pisces who are single, but not attached to anyone in particular, should fare better in the love department. That's because over the past two years, Saturn, the taskmaster planet, asked you to sacrifice romance in favor of achieving other life goals. Saturn finally left the difficult position it held in your chart in July, and will not return to that spot for 29 years. Expect your romantic world to open up in magical ways you can't quite imagine.

Now how is it that that is exactly how I feel. And now, reading this recent development, I find myself frightened that a magical opened up world is not what I want for myself. For the past several years now, I've been living my life the way I have, without another person to consider (except for my ex, a 2 month speed bump, I must add) and now I'm suppose to expect a new person coming into my life. And this is suppose to make me happy?

I can just imagine the conflictedness that will be wracking upon my heart. But hey! If people are like planets -- they have seasons and they bear fruit at times and stay barren in others, then so be it. Accept and move on.

If anything, I'm used to adjusting to what the world throws at me...

posted by wanggo @ 12:16 AM 0 comments

Elation

Kobayashi Issa
Beautiful, seen through holes
Made in a paper screen:
The Milky Way

Bless Bjork and her creative soul. I went to Music One today and found a new album by her. Music from Matthew Barney's Drawing Restraint 9 from Bjork caught my eye immediately on the shelf. The picture of the strange Japanese clown-like figure with Sadako like hair (except it's not washed) carrying a tube shocked me into happiness. In big, quite elaborate font was her name -- Bjork.

I was elated. The music is so characteristically Bjork, post-Homogenic. Much like Vespertine and Medulla, the songs in this album seem very quiet and very unstructured. Of course, I'm still listening to the album right now and have only heard 4 songs...

I'm sorry... I couldn't help myself, I just wanted to share my happiness in buying a 2nd Bjork album in this year! I'm elated.

posted by wanggo @ 3:39 PM 0 comments

Random Musings 9.5.2000

Guess what I found? I've been going through all my old poems. I remember, before, I used to write 2 or 3 drafts of poems a day back when I was working in La Salle. Right after I graduated, I went to work in La Salle and I was surrounded by literary people. I was constantly writing and editing literary works. I was reading voraciously. More voraciously than I'm doing now (by the way, I'm going very slowly with Atlas Shrugged not for anything but work is just all encompassing). And so I was constantly writing drafts and all these great ideas for verses. Well, some are not so great while others are just amazing.

By the way, to the person who gave me advice regarding Ayn Rand: thanks, but I'll read Atlas Shrugged and leave it at that. I don't have time for The Fountainhead like you said and while I'm going through Atlas Shrugged okay; I don't see myself reading any more Ayn Rand after this. I want to go through another Margaret Atwood. I want to read Margaret Atwood again... *sigh*

Well, before, my good friend Morx and I would find ourselves in Starbucks near La Salle and we'd both just talk about poetry or just read while smoking and drinking coffee. Then sometimes, we'd get a notebook or some tissue and start writing. This was one of them, almost 5 years ago... How interesting...

Random Musings (September 5, 2000)

It is the consecration of everything absolute when you realise how important to you how many bottles of vodka you had downed tonight and there are times when life is just the moment when you inhale from your cigarette or the wind on your face. The magic of moments is their transience… but are they truly so? You remember them, worse, you remember them for what they are… as singular experiences of emotions captured by a vision or place.

I would go beyond this moment and in taking 3 cups of cafe latte I will know truth is but a moment with friends.

posted by wanggo @ 3:19 AM 3 comments

Imagine

I was going through a lot of my old poems. In December of 2001 (or was it 2002?) I wrote 13 prose poems that shocked me. It wasn't like anything I've written before and none of the poetry I was reading at that time was in the form of prose poems. So it was strange that I would just sit in front of my desk and wrote these things down. I showed them to Marj Evasco, who I studied creative writing with and she told me that I was on to something. She took particularly notice with the work that is called Imagine and said that it was the most realised of the collection (though it still needed work). I look at them again and I still don't see what she sees. But she's read so much and has written quite a lot. Our poetic inclinations, I fear, might be tugging at different places but I'm still very happy for her friendship and, more than that, her guidance.

Here is Imagine with some minor tweakings.

Imagine

It is 4 hours until the New Year. I am walking down the street to get back home
from dinner with my parents. We kissed each other and gave each other big hugs. “Take
care and happy New Year” was all they whispered in my ears. Funny how “I love you”
sounds different in the same language. I borrowed Neil Stephenson’s “Cryptonomicon”
and told them I was going to read a little before I head out to party in Makati at the edge
of time.

On that street, I imagine a firecracker, thrown carelessly, will find its way to me
and tear me apart in flame. No one will know of that deed. My friend will call me and
find that no one is home to answer the phone. He will then proceed to Makati thinking
I’ve gone ahead. My cell phone, undamaged will receive his texts asking me where I am.
My parents will toast their champagne glasses and kiss each other on the lips like if it was
the first time. As they sip, they will count their blessings and good fortune. In the
morning, an old man will find the book, take it home and begin reading it. It will be the
first book he will read in the New Year.

I imagine all of this can happen, walking steadily on my way home.

posted by wanggo @ 10:59 PM 0 comments

just an update 09.01.05

Dire Straits from Brothers in Arms (written by Mark Knopfler)
There's so many different worlds so many different suns
And we have just one world but we live in different ones

Watched Bourne Supremacy again with my brother last night. I forgot how good the film is. I love the camera-work. Hand held, it was constantly trying to catch up with all the intensity and action that is happening in the screen. It's amazing. It really brings you into the motion. I also love the fact that all the actors -- Matt Damon, Joan Allen, Brian Cox and Julia Stiles aren't posing. They just do what they have to do, say their lines and there's none of that silly posing they do a lot in action films. It's so cool without working so hard at being cool.

I love the simplicity of it. It's straight-forward, with every scene pushing the story onwards. I love it. It's really a good film.

Today, it's just another brainstorming and I feel squeezed to the point where I can't breathe. It's a little piss off but there's nothing I can do about it. My brother asked me about it last night and I told him that there's no other place I'd rather be. I just really love it here in NMI. He asked me the question that scares me: what if you got an offer with a bigger paycheck? Ooh, tough question. I really could use the money but usually, even bigger paychecks have an equally bigger price. I can just imagine -- horrible bosses, horrible work environments and even worse: working on something I don't believe in. At least here, I like the company, I love the culture and I like the show I'm working on. I believe in it.

People always say stuff like you never really know that you found something until you lose it. The perennial problems of the best friend syndrome when it comes to love: the perfect girl/guy is there, right there but you never realised it because you both consider each other as friends. But that's not the case for me, I know for a fact that this is where I want to be. I love it here.

And then, it's been a while for me but I just want to go on a date and have all those silly little feelings of enjoying someone's company for the possibility of romance. I don't even want the romance, just the possibility of it on its own is enticing enough already. It's like being hungry but you know the delivery is on its way and the food is going to be delicious. I'm so much wiser now about relationships that I doubt I'll be rushing headfirst into things. I've made 2 big mistakes and I won't let it happen again. I've been single for 7 years prior to my second relationship and now it's almost 10 months since then so I'm pretty sure that I am ready enough to dip my feet into the water again. Just get it wet; my whole body does not necessarily have to follow through. I'm not looking for the fireworks and the buffet. I just want a date. That's all.

Made a mistake a few days ago. I went through my most recent journal, the one that covers pretty much 2004. And then the other day, I read through my older blog and read everything that I went through last year. It was a roller-coaster of a ride, let me tell you. And it was a roller-coaster reading it again. That one was for the books, that's for sure.

Got a story brewing in my head. Am ready to go and write it now. All I ask for is the time for me to go for it. I just want to write it. I'm ready. I'm ready to go.

posted by wanggo @ 7:56 PM 0 comments