Indulgence

scratching the surface

Oscar Wilde
A visionary is one who can find his way by moonlight, and see the dawn before the rest of the world.

I'm really digging The Cardigans' latest release Super Extra Gravity. It's so cool. I'm just getting a little pissed waiting anxiously for Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine which has yet to arrive at Tower Records or Music One here. I'm dying here! I need to hear the Mike Elizondo session of those songs, damn it! And Liz Phair's new album hasn't been released here yet, either. I promised to buy that album for my brother. He just absolutely loves Leap of Innocence or is it Leap of Faith? Well, it's one of the two, for sure. I just want some kick ass new music. I'm kinda tired of the stuff I got recently. I like Ashlee Simpson's latest and Lindsay Lohan's as well... Good pop-rock fair but it isn't soul kicking. Super Extra Gravity is doing the trick but I want new stuff, damn it!

There's something I want to talk about but can't. I'm tugged into two extreme feelings. I want to talk about it but it would be bad form on my part. I'll tell all on the 15th of February, I guess. Until then, mum's the word and I have to just think of other things to talk about.

I feel sad that I haven't been able to finish my pieces for the Neil Gaiman writing competition sponsored by Fully Booked. I think I have this really great story in my head and would be perfect for it but I didn't have the time or the energy to write it. And I feel bad because some artists here in the office were waiting for me to write something for them to make into a comic so they could join as well. I really didn't have the time and I feel bad about it. I think I could've gotten at least 3rd place.

I've been filled with all this energy to write. It's playing around in my head, these characters, these stories. I just finished reading Grass for his Pillow which is the second book of the Tales of the Otori which began with Across the Nightingale Floor which I enjoyed. Now I have to find the third book so that I can finish the series. The second book kinda ended in a cliff-hanger. I wasn't satisfied and I want to know how the trilogy ends. So I gotta get that book soon. As well as The Tipping Point which I heard is good.

Back to reading. As much as I love Jeanette Winterson, Art and Lies was a heavy read and I don't think I can handle another Winterson book for another couple of years. God I love reading!

posted by wanggo @ 10:10 PM 1 comments

I Miss/I Don't Miss

Hippocrates
The difference between medicine and poison is the dose.

I miss acting. I miss going to zips class. I miss the beach. I miss the boat trip I took to look at the other little islands off Puerto Princesa in Palawan. I miss being able to write anywhere, in whatever condition. I miss wall-climbing. I miss eating scanacopitta. I miss my family in Bacolod. I miss watching a real scary movie; I think the last scary movie I saw was The Others or the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacres. They don't make scary films like the way they used to. I miss Shanghai and Rome and Florence. I miss long airplane trips because when I land it will be a foreign land. I miss my corn rows. I miss my unit in Quadrillon which I called "The Ube Room." I miss my 40+ dance CDs and my Tom Jones Reload. I miss my TLC Fanmail, Soraya On Nights Like This, and Donna Lewis' Blue Planet. Whoever stole those CDs, I hope you get leprosy and die a horrible, lonely pained existence. I miss writing poetry -- the good stuff I used to write and not the weird, prosaic shit I'm writing now. For that matter, I miss writing fiction. Wish I had more time. I miss enjoying the rain. I miss movie marathon's at Jaypee's house with Berna and Anne and whoever else happens to pass by. I miss the workshop experience. I miss driving. I miss driving a whole lot. I miss going to the beach.

I don't miss being unemployed. I don't miss being not passionate over something. I don't miss going crazy over love. Well, actually, I don't mind but I don't want that right now. Ha Ha Ha I don't miss going out. I don't miss not believing in myself; I don't miss all the insecurities I used to have. It's great to be free of most of them. I don't miss any of my exes and I don't think I ever will. I don't miss living my life for others or for a particular person. I don't miss eating fish (I have it everyday for lunch and I'm getting a little sick of it). I don't miss fast food, either. I don't miss getting drunk and in truth, never really did enjoy it anyway. Drinking socially with friends to loosen up is a different thing, though. I don't miss watching television and I don't miss reading comics. I don't miss the gym (though I do miss my old body when I used to go to the gym everyday). I don't miss softdrinks nor do I not miss smoking menthol cigarettes.

Life really moves on. I could go on and on about the things I miss and the things I don't miss but that would probably change in a few months or weeks or so. It's just that life continues to move on whether we want it to or not.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I just am. I just feel like putting it here. I had nothing better to write anyway.

(picture taken with a webcam at some internet cafe in Malate around 2002, I think)

posted by wanggo @ 1:50 AM 0 comments

Lost and Found

Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The artistic vocation is the only force capable of competing with the power of love; and the most mysterious of all to which one devotes one's entire life without expecting anything in return.

I've been out of commission. I slept at 11am this morning and woke up at dinner time. But I'm the happiest person in the world as of the moment. I woke up Saturday morning at 5:30am, woke my Father up and together got to the location of our shoot at 6:15am. We were going to shoot the short film Lost and Found. The short film is directed by my Dad with a script that I wrote. Out of the 7 storylines we have written together and the 4 full length films I had written for him; we finally got one project to its full realization. Lost and Found is a 30 - 40 minute short film with a cast of almost 35 characters and 8 major sets and we shot it all from 8am of Saturday and ended at 10:30am of Sunday. We shot for around 28 hours straight. The cast was amazing and the crew moreso. To say the least, editing this is going to be a whole load of fun.

Finally, there is going to be a film out there with my name on it. I worked on that film, that's my first film and it will be the one I will always treasure above all. Not just because it is my first, it's also because it was directed by one of the finest directors of the country, who also happens to be my Father whom I love working with and who takes every project as seriously as if it was his first and only project. He throws every inch of himself, every passionate note to his work be it a full-length film, a short film, a commercial, a theatrical production or a simple note to a friend for a birthday gift -- my Dad is a true artist throwing every part of his soul to anything that which he creates or forms together. And this was no different.

Our 35 actors are all students from the GMA Artist Center acting workshop and this film is their graduation exercise. This graduation exercise, the short film, is part of a trilogy of 3 short films (the other directed by Rahyan Carlos and Xoce Topacio) and will be featured sometime in March as one movie. The other two films will feature the other students from the workshops. Please watch out for it if you can. Everyone threw their heart and souls to this production and it's going to be great -- people giving off so much of themselves to make something worth watching and if I may say so myself, it is going to be something worth watching. It's going to be amazing!

I feel fulfilled! Like everything I have done was leading up to this. This. Somehow, a pronoun as simple as this completely encaptulates (sp?) everything that it is -- writing, making film, making art, making something that hopes to move people. The whole idea just brings me to my knees. I'm so thankful to the universe, to the Creator, to everything for making me a creative person. I love this. I love everything about it. This is what I've become, this is it, really. This is my calling.

How can anything compare? Now when I've finally begun to do that which I really love? I can't wait to work on the film on post and then to see the final product. Please watch out for it when you can. It's going to be a wonder.

posted by wanggo @ 8:44 PM 2 comments

injured

Aldous Huxley
Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you.

Haven't been well, really. Had a very embarrassing fall at 4 in the morning walking home Tuesday morning (or was it Wednesday morning?). I walked all the way home from work at GMA to my condo in San Juan. I was wearing slippers (for some strange reason) and white pants and it had begun to rain and I was walking along E. Rodriguez when I had the most embarrassing slip. I had one arm all the way in the air while the other fell to the floor to try and balance me as my two legs were slipping in two different directions. It must have been funny to see. Of course, that's when two fully loaded jeeps pass by heading towards Cubao. There they were passing by, seeing me do an impression of a teepee. Of course, after I had picked myself up again, the road was empty again. They passed by just to see me fall. How wonderful! I had messed up my white pants where I banged my left knee and my toe got cut and was smeared with black gunk.

No, I haven't really been well so I've been staying home. Getting a lot of reading done, though. I started with The Supernaturalist which was lent to me by my Dad to help me get into the right head for one of the projects we're doing. That's pretty interesting. I also ended up watching the old horror film The Innocents with Deborah Kerr. What a wonderful film! I really miss the old black and white horror films. They don't make scary movies that scary anymore. It's a sad thing, really. They think big special effects will scare people. No it won't. Not at all. A lot of the scary parts in a movie is what you don't see. The new generation of horror film-makers don't get that. They think that it's the same as shock and surprise. I remember the original black and white Horror film The Haunting and that was really scary. No special effects. No scary creature running around. It was really terrifying. I wish they did more films like that. Where it scares you in the head not in the gut.

I'm feeling better now, at least, so maybe I can go back to normal mode some time soon. My Dad wants me to drive me for him to San Pablo Laguna on Sunday so I better get well and have all my wits about me because I've never really gone driving outside of the city limits. Highway driving scares me, still. But my Dad insists I can do it.

There's always an outside force pushing me forward. Sometimes it's my own 2 feet but other times, it's art or my father. But I'm moving forward.

posted by wanggo @ 3:01 PM 0 comments

good karma

Regina Spektor from Ode to Divorce (written by Regina Spektor)
So break me into small parts
Let go in small doses
But spare some for spare parts
There might be some good ones

I got an e-mail today. It's the Dalai Lama's instructions for living well on 2005. They sent it again, I suppose, because it's really fantastic. I agree with everything it says but amazingly, it tells us to delete the message. You're not allowed to keep this mantra, it must leave your hands (inbox) within 96 hours. This is not something you keep referring to, it's something you have to ingrain within yourself and make it come out naturally. I like that feeling. It's not something you just throw around and quote like a chapter from The Purpose Driven Life. Well, that's how I infer from the instruction to throw it away.

I agree with everything those instructions say to do. I like how it tells you that if you're having a quarrel with someone you have a relationship with, you never bring up anything from the past but only focus on the present/current situation. That keeps everything fair and in proper perspective, I think.

Instructions number 16, 17, 18 and 19 are wonderfully worded. They make the most perfect sense and despite fears that this is in violation of the instruction to throw away the mantra within 96 hours, I'm putting down instructions 16, 17, 18 and 19 here. It's too good not to share.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

Amen to that! And more than ever, this is something I want to do and follow religiously. This year, the plan is India. It's been a plan for the past 3 years, so I want to make this one work out. If not, I want to go to Davao and see the sights to see there. Maybe find a new beach to go to. Or maybe go to Camiguin. That's the plan now anyway.

I've always said that in traveling do you end up knowing yourself more. After all, how you see a place is really a reflection of how you are as a person. Also, you end up testing your own resilience, finding out what are the things that interest you, finding yourself stretch your limits, pushing against the boundaries. That's what I love about traveling. That's why I want to do it more.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Not that I'm in a relationship right now but this is something that I really believe in and is one reason why I'm still single. A lot of the people I've met have been so needy or, looking back, I've noticed that I was too needy. And you should never get together with someone because you need someone. It should be because you love someone. And love means letting that person have his/her life at the price of your own. If they want to share that life with you, that's their choice but not yours.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Success requires effort, hard work, dedication and passion. It can be something as easily as a Saturday night out that you gave up to finish your work or it could be something as amazing as watching a movie, reading that particular book. But it's how much you throw at what it is you love that defines who you are. And success isn't just about work -- success is something you choose for yourself be it being a good parent, a good lover, read every book by this particular author. The list goes on and on. You choose for yourself what success in your life truly means and you can't get it without learning to sacrifice something else. Then you ask yourself, at the end of everything, how much did you give up for what it is you wanted and you should be happy to be able to say I gave up everything because it was what mattered to me.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Love is not a logical thing, why be logical? If you're going to get burned, throw yourself in the fire. Cooking is the act of preparing sustenance -- what sustains you is food. Why treat it like a science experiment? I think both requires a sense of play, of artistry, of passion. That's what I want. That's what I think it should be like.

I don't know why, but I felt I wanted to expound more on these things. Just me, rambling away.

(shot of Palawan taken by Rica on the plane, sometime June of 2005)

(friend's shot taken by Pabsy at Kalye Juan with Mic, Fay, me and Lyra after the NMI Christmas party `05)

posted by wanggo @ 4:43 PM 1 comments

different hats

Baby Stewie
I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know? A little pestilence here and a plague there. Omnipotence! Got to get me some of that!

Last night, I insisted that my brother and I watch a DVD together since we haven't done so in such a long time. I tried to get Kristi to join us but she still had work to finish off. So, just Datu and I, we watched Batman Begins again. We both really, really love that film. It's so amazing. Afterwards, we both lit our respective cigarettes at the balcony and talked a bit before retiring for bed at around 12 midnight. It was an early night for the both of us. We both had to wake up early. Lucky me, I was able to sleep right away (for once!) and I got to wake up at 8am to drive my Dad to the bank and then get to work by 11am. At the office, I began to check up on my edit and then I started making a list of the different shots I needed for my future segments. Then, I took an extended lunch break (exceeded by an hour) to go to Makati to fix something up there and did some necessary grocery shopping for the house (since I pretty much supply the coffee at home) but when I found that Rustan's did not have the main thing I was looking for (the coffee), I decided to put everything back and forget shopping at the moment. I also paid my Smart cell phone bill and then rushed back to work.

I don't wear different hats for the different things that I do. I'd like to think I'm the same person every single moment of the day. I do a lot of things and though it requires a different approach, a different attitude, a different frame of mind, I'm still me and that's good.

Right now, the smile is still there but it has loss some of its brilliance. There's a lot to do but it is expected. I'm going to get through it. I guess I'm where you would say the middle of the uphill climb when the initial exuberance and excitement has left and you're beginning to slow down as you pace yourself, realising the effort it will take to reach the very top of the hill; but that's okay. Once I get my momentum, I'll keep going on and maybe find some extra strength to make a final burst, a last mad dash to the finish line. You know? I'm sure the view from the top is going to be exhilirating. I wait with bated breath.

(picture taken at the GMA NMI Christmas party December `05, Howard, Berna and I trying on different hats; and yes, it is a costume party!)

posted by wanggo @ 2:43 PM 0 comments

the nature of my work

Ashlee Simpson from Say Good Bye (written by Ashlee Simpson, John Shanks and Kara DioGuardi)
Cause the broken in you doesn't make me run
There is beauty
In the dark side
I'm not frightened
Without it I could never see the sun

Went to watch a play yesterday before going to a meeting. It was a conceptual meeting; putting a project together. I realised that my work as a writer means that most of my work is focused at the start of the project. Often enough, the project doesn't start until I get my act together. Then later on, most of my work is done, I stay around just being available if any changes come up or any questions need answering. Which is great, for me, actually, because I just sit back and enjoy the process, watching as the thing unravels itself and fully forms.

I like that idea, for some strange reason. The pressure to meet the deadline or even finish before it is enough to make the work very challenging; but at the same time, the moment the thing is written, the bulk of my activities is done, I can watch everything else happen and I'm still definitely part of the project. That's my work they're doing, after all. But the need for me to fix things is done; my need to get involved and get my hands dirty disappears and usually, that's where I get in trouble. I cannot leave well enough alone, sometimes. And I have a difficulty delegating work, trusting others to have the same amount of passion and dedication to the project as I have. But at this point in time, it's no longer my show. I guess that is what I like about this set up. It would now be at the director's hands. I sit back and just watch things unfold. At the same time, I can slowly begin working on the next project.

I'm getting really excited about things. Right now, I'm just surrounded by all these ideas and finding the time to write it all down and people are actually interested in them. For the first time, my favourite past time of just listening to music and thinking of possibilities, of stories, is actually in demand. People want me to do that. Can you see the big smile on my face? It's getting bigger.

(picture taken by Jay Abello sometime around September, I think, of 2003)

posted by wanggo @ 3:56 PM 0 comments

happy

Fiona Apple from Better Version of Me (written by Fiona Apple)
Here's coming up a better version of me

I'm happy. Today could've turned out into a total and absolute mess but I was able to solve the problem. Today, I felt like a real segment producer, you know? A text that was not received almost screwed up my shoot today but I began making calls and figured something out and I was able to proceed. My network of friends came through for me and I was able to produce. I was not just thinking while falling from a great height, I got to land on my feet. And I'm still smiling. Ha Ha Ha

I got to watch actors play the parts that I had written. For the first time, I got to see actors saying the dialogue I had thought up, act out the scene I had put together and watch everything slowly come together. Finally, everything is coming together. I am finally a screen-writer. I can finally say that I'm a script-writer. It doesn't matter that I've already written 7 scripts prior, they never got produced. That makes all the difference.

More on the movie and my new direction as a writer for film in the coming entries. I'm just the happiest person right now. No one can rain on my parade.

(picture taken at the GMA New Media Christmas party 2005 by Faye. That's Berna and me jumping while dancing.)

posted by wanggo @ 5:41 PM 0 comments

lucky

Edgar Z. Friedenberg
In a world as empirical as ours, a youngester who does not know what he is good at will not know what he is good for.

Been busy as of late working on all the stuff I have to do. I'm so swamped with work but somehow, I seem to be managing. I've been sorta meeting my deadlines and been on the go with everything so.. so far, so good.

Had a conversation last night with a new friend. It still amazes me to realise that I am really, really lucky that I knew exactly what it is I wanted to do with my life since I was still 14. Everything since then has been geared up towards this. I was quickly able to realise what I was good at and what I loved doing so that I was pretty prepared to go ahead and do it, you know? Unlike some people who have to take a course they aren't that interested in all because they don't know what else is there to do? Some people want to be succesful, but they don't know at what. I made that decision really early at life. I even started working at 14, making my own money, writing for comics. And despite my weekly deadlines, along with my schoolwork, I was able to enjoy myself. In fact, instead of hating school for taking time away from my writing, I was using everything I learned at school to enhance my work. I made it go side-by-side.

So sure, I may never win games of chance. Never won a raffle, never seem to catch the promo or whatever. I don't always get a good hand in poker. But at 14 years old, I was struck by lucky lightning and am so much happier for it. Not much wasted time trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I went straight into preparing for it and now I'm doing it.

posted by wanggo @ 1:31 PM 1 comments

6 feet under

as texted to me by my Dad
A plan is only as good as your ability to achieve it.

So far, I am completely and utterly swamped. I've got demands being thrown at me that I feel I'm 6 feet under a whole earthload of stuff. So many things to do. I didn't even think I'd be able to blog here today with the amount of work that needs to be done but then, I won't complain. I asked for this. This is what I wanted and I'm grateful.

Yeah, that's what this blog is about. I want to be vocally thankful to the universe for throwing all this work my way. This is what I asked for, this is what I wanted and this is what I am getting. Thank you very much.

Big smile on my face has yet to falter. I just got to get through these 30 days and I'll be fine.

posted by wanggo @ 10:54 PM 0 comments

interesting times

Tori Amos from Tear in Your Hand (written by Tori Amos)
All the world is dangling for me, darling
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand

Sleep has done all to shits. I can't sleep anymore. And when I do, it's at the most inappropriate hours and I can't wake up on my own. That really sucks because I've decided to try and be a regular person and wake up early and start off the day early. Well, looks like it ain't going to happen anytime soon.

I did quite a lot of work yesterday except for a little mishap which caused me to be really late at the shoot for GroupeeTV. Thank God we had a problem with the set so we could only shoot 2 episodes of my segment and not the originally planned 3 segments. I would've died! I got there late but we managed to finish earlier than expected. Got home to have a fine bonding time with Datu and Kristi. Then it was off to work.

And a rather strange yet interesting call. It was a welcome distraction from the regular. The Chinese are known for a saying: May you live in interesting times. Of course, as I was told, that saying is more of a warning, a curse than it sounds. I am not Chinese, though, and so I can say happily I'm living in very interesting times.

A new dynamic that has entered my life as well is my Father having become my room mate. I wake up, and it's freezing cold because the aircon is on. I can't play my music too loud and I can't smoke in my room. I can't walk around naked in my room before I take a shower (sometimes I figure I need a cig before going in) and the shades are usually drawn so sunlight doesn't come in in the morning. It's making things difficult, as of the moment. Unlike my Mom, my Dad is more demanding than accommodating. I don't mind, I love my Father very much, but it just takes getting used to. After all, I did use to live alone for a whole year. It was tough enough moving back in with my brother and his family, much more to a room-mate like my Dad!

Sometimes, you really can't just simply "come back home," so to speak. Once you've left and made your own home somewhere else, you know what it's like being the master of the four walls, floor and roof in which you reside. In the past year, I've had to redefine my idea of the home. Before it was where I found my solace -- my private space. Then after a while, it was where I felt most comfortable then it became where my family is. But all those things don't see to hit the mark. It's something else now and I'm not sure if I can figure it out right away.

I've got too much to do anyway. I'll figure it out later.

posted by wanggo @ 3:45 PM 1 comments

a life filled with art

Francis Ford Coppola
Not taking risks in art is like not having sex and then expecting there to be children.

Last Friday, I went to a friend's birthday celebration-slash-gallery exhibit. My college friend, Paolo Francisco, made some money in real estate and then he gave it up and went back to school to take up his first love -- Fine Arts. He's now a sophomore Fine Arts student, doing the whole band thing with the group Bagetsafonik (he's the guitarist) and now, he's got another exhibit of his work out there and he's good. He's really good.

Saturday night found me at the opening of Teatrino in Greenhills. My friend Marq works with Kuh Ledesma and so he invited us to the opening. Fantastic song numbers from a lot of great artists. Memorable to me was Pilita Corales, Asia's Queen of Song and funny girl, Nanette Inventor. Pilita Corales knew her voice may not be the same as it was, so she used the low registers so well and really turned I Will Survive into a gorgeous ballad. She sang it with so much conviction and heart and soul that it tore you apart. Nanette Inventor sang a very powerful Respect by Aretha Franklin. She may not have Aretha Franklin's set of pipes, but she has the attitude to carry the song to a powerful climax. Show-stopping number!

Sunday found me working, really seeing one of my scripts come to life and then shooting another segment for the show; back to work for me, officially, I guess. I also wrote a lot last night and I've just received my DVD copies of Sunday in the Park with George, Into the Woods, City of Lost Children and The Pirates of Penzance. I'm so happy. I can't wait to have time to see it.

Here's a picture of me zipping in Boracay during new year morning. That's me in the white shirt
with the pony-tail. My friend Doors, whom I haven't seen in a long time is in the red pants and the other guy, I don't know. He introduced himself to Paulino, my teacher (who took the picture, by the way) and said he was a flagger. He wanted to try out the zips, so we lent him a pair. He was pretty good! It was a gorgeous morning, filled with the energy of happiness and hope. It was filled with potential energy for the rest of the year and there was this gorgeous beach and the tide was slowly coming in and the clouds were making beautiful shapes in the sky and everyone was there with a big smile on their face. It was inspiring. That life can have these perfectly beautiful moments and you can end up being so filled up by so much you could burst. I'm happy to have that in my life.

I want my life to always be oozing out art. To constantly challenge myself to be creative and original and thought-provoking. Life really is beautiful. It's just knowing when to open your eyes and when to close them.

posted by wanggo @ 6:06 PM 0 comments

bouncing off of walls

Tori Amos from Pretty Good Year (written by Tori Amos)
Hold onto nothing as fast as you can
Well still pretty good year

A phone call this morning just proves one thing: there is something to be said about astrology and numerology. It works, in my case, because everything is coming into play just as it had been predicted in both forms of divination. I am not going to start living my life based on what I've been told in the daily horoscopes; but I think I'll be paying a little more close attention to what it has to say.

So right now, that phone call has me jumping through hoops of fire and ice skating in the North Pole! I mean, wow! What a thought and out of nowhere too! It's a writing project that is a dream come true in so many ways. This is how I want things to be. This is how things are going to be from now on. I'm on high gear, windows down, a cigarette on my other hand and I'm driving on a sunny day on a good, well-maintained highway to the stars. I've got a smile on my face and my hair is flying in the wind and I've got Kate Bush on the car CD player and a bag of Cheetos on the passenger side with a canister of fresh watermelon shake (don't drink while you drive!).

I'll talk more about that project once I've sat down with the person involved and get the ball rolling. I'm just enjoying this energy and vibe right now. I hope I can maintain it. I'm sure, at one point, I'll hit a great big wall. I always do. But this time, I'm going to get up faster than I usually do, dust off my shirt and put my shades back on and get on the next car. Because this is what my whole life was leading up to.

Big smile on my face. Biggest smile in the past 3 years.

(picture taken at La Luz, Batangas; November of 2005)

posted by wanggo @ 1:17 PM 1 comments

spin dizzy

Abra Moore from Taking Chances (written by Abra Moore)
I keep falling, I keep falling and I keep falling
And I keep tumbling in the mud, deep, deep
And all I can do now is give up the whole thing

Fast. Everything moving too fast. I'm not trying to dodge them at all. I let them come and hit me where they land and they keep striking the chest and it takes out my breath and I love it. Of course, I watch all the fall at my feet and think to myself, Boy! This is going to be a busy year.

By the way, isn't it redundant to say "think to myself"? You can only think to yourself anyway, right? It's not as if you can think to someone else in the room... Hmmm...

Thanks to my brother, I'm awake earlier than usual and I'm hoping this is a trend towards earlier waking times and earlier sleeping hours. Couldn't sleep again until around 4am. This has got to fix itself up, damn it! This insomnia is getting to be boring and predictable.

Oh yeah, I'm pissed at myself for having lost my Tom Jones Reload CD. I lent it to a friend and she returned it but I can't find it anywhere in my home. Did I lend it to someone after? Is it in one of my bags and I just forgot to put it back up with the rest of the CDs? I wonder who has it? And until now, I still don't know what happened to my Sandra Bernhard Excuses for Bad Behaviour Part 1. I loved that CD! Lost in the void! Argh!

Today, I woke up and while waiting for my brother, I ended up reading one of my old journals. Right now, I want to go back into the past and bitch slap myself for all the pathetic things I wrote in there. Slapped myself just out of principle! Funny, to think how different the person I was and the person I am now. I'm glad I kept those journals. It gives me better perspective of myself. I wish I could start writing on those journals again. It's just that I'm so not used to long-hand writing anymore. Spoiled by the keyboard, I guess. I can type almost, just almost as fast as I think but I could never write as fast. I would try and my wrists and fingers would ache after a few minutes. Sad, huh?

Fast. Everything so fast, I'm getting spin dizzy, easily distracted and out of breath. I love it! I love it. Keep `em comin' and I'll dazzle you all with my brilliance. Ha Ha Ha Take the bull by the horns and show him who's boss. Got to ride this feeling. Enjoy the momentum. Spin dizzy but knowing exactly where I am.

I got a smile on my face. I dare you to try and get rid of it.

posted by wanggo @ 3:03 PM 0 comments

not in a good mood

KT Tunstall from The Universe and You
You know there's no need to hide away
Know I tell the truth
We are just the same
I can feel everything you do
You're everything you say
Even when you're miles away
Cause I am me, the universe and you

I am not in a good mood. I am SO not in a good mood today. And it's nobody's fault and yet it's intrusive and bothersome and it's such a hassle and there's got to be another way and the only thing I can think of to solve it is not something that is quickly enforced nor is it cheap at all. No, THAT solution is so not cheap and requires a lot of effort and then there's going to be a flurry of action and movement and we don't want that.

It's a hard situation and involves people I love. But there's nothing I can do about it now. So I jsut better shut up and just get on with this damned day.

posted by wanggo @ 5:08 PM 1 comments

verbose

I sit here typing away
making stories. Making. As if
one can actually form reality with words.
Semantics. Or is it semiotics? There is
nothing in the word chair that actually denotes
a chair. It is just a word. A recognizable sound,
one that we can spell in 5 letters,
that makes us think of the object in question.

I don’t make fact. I make fiction. I dress up words
and line them up and they make meaning
but not reality. But they fire from the bow
in my tense hands, quivering, tension,
tensed, fire and it can hit you
straight in the heart and make you gasp,
if I do my job well.
If I do my job well.
And so I can sit here for hours and I can pretend
to be someone else, be somewhere else,
be whenever it is I want to be. I live twice. I live
three times. I live as many lives as I have hours
on this chair and sitting here, I may not live at all.

I’m not universal. I live in my imagined world. I live
precariously in these words and yet, there is nothing
in these words that resemble real life. They’re just words.
They are just what I said. I write jump
doesn’t mean I get off my seat. I’m still here. I’m still
typing away. Reality is malleable in words.
I’m not universal. I’m not real. I’m just verbose.
I’m just imagination run wild. I’m just crazy universes
coming from the movement of my fingers, tensed, poised,
guided by muscle memory. I know where “A” is
and where “L” is and the thumb knows exactly
where the space bar rests. I know them better
than how to get here, or there or anywhere.

I’m not edgy. I’m not special. I’m not wondrous.

I’m just something unfolding. I’m just something
un-real pretending. It’s like acting but not actually acting.
I’m hidden. I’m not universal. I’m just imagination
becoming something not exactly what is intended;
something partially there. I’m just words sputtering out.
I’m just
I’m just
I’m just
verbose.

I have no fucking idea why I just ended up writing this just now but I did and so there... I just wrote it. That's what you get for writing 3 different scripts since 2pm and listening to Lindsay Lohan's new album A Little More Personal (damned good!) and wanting to go home and you can't go home just yet and you're out of ideas and it's late and there's Chinese food in the refrigerator and you're hoping no one is going to get it in the afternoon because you want to eat it for lunch tomorrow, if you wake up early enough that is and you're all spent and there's nothing left to write so you might as well go home and have a cigarette while you're walking and hoping there is still a jeep at this hour that will take you to the next jeep stop because another taxi will just kill you in the end of your already depleted finances but it's okay, no crying over spilt milk since you planned to spill it anyway and you had great fun and you kept talking about it in the last several entries of your blog and you haven't written anything in a while that was really just for yourself so it's fun to go around and write some verses and hope to God it sounds like something close to poetry which you haven't written in ages, mind you, and shame, shame, shame, you took all those classes in poetry and well, it's okay because you're more of a fictionist nowadays and Morx is still writing fantastic stuff and you can always go back to your old work and then there's always Mary Oliver and Peter Abs and Frank Bidart and that trusty good book of Rumi that you asked Tita Anne to buy for you, the one translated by Coleman Barks so you're off to a good start; so count your blessings, be happy, just say you wanted to write something and you wrote something and who cares what anybody thinks of it, just go home.

All right then. So I'll go home.

posted by wanggo @ 11:47 PM 1 comments

family first

John Fuller
For we have stripped away the year
with grief and work, and found it's heart,
Something with which to perservere,
Something with which to make a start,
Something we knew we might find here.

I arrived home to find it quiet. I thought my brother and sister had fallen asleep. I opened my door and put on my music softly, just loud enough for me to hear it and began practising with my zips. Zip, zip, zip. I really, really want to learn how to do the behind the back weave. So I was trying, hitting my legs and head every now and then. When I would get it, I'd try it again and then fumble. After a while, I turned off all the lights and practised with my light zips. In the darkness, I could really see the full effect of the neon lights flying around the dark living room (empty of furniture, good for zipping).

Then my brother and sister-in-law came in. They watched The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. We sat around for a bit and talked about the movie. Then Kristi went to sleep and Datu and I continued talking. We talked and talked. We talked and before I knew it, it was really, really late. We had talked for hours!

I really love my family. I'm so glad, that in the past few months, I've been working on strengthening my relationship with my family again. Time and time again, especially when I was younger, I would run away from them, always surrounding myself with the comforts of my friends. They were sometimes resentful. Often times, they would laugh at me, maybe, mostly because of my choice of friends. In hindsight, I can understand why. But I needed them (my friends) at the time. But no matter what happened, my family was always ready to take me back in with open arms.

Now I want to get away from having a group; a very close-knit circle of friends who, because of me, make my world so small. I want to jump from friend to friend; give everyone equal share of time and attention; tall order considering I've made a lot of friends in my time. I've met a lot of people whom I like and admire and I want to build real strong relationships with all of them. But no more circles, no more groups, no more barkadas. Just friends.

In doing so, I've re-discovered my family. Now, we really talk and communicate. I've even begun texting my family members in Bacolod a little more often now than I used to. Christmas was very powerful for me because I really got to be with them again -- surround myself in their unconditional love and to give my love so openly without fear of rejection.

I gave my time completely to them and I didn't even get to see any of my friends from Bacolod. My family comes first and I'm proud of that. It is sort of a tradition, a sort of legacy, I guess that my father left to us. Family first. I see that now with much more clarity than I used to. And it's great to be with them; I'm still the youngest and I will always get that sort of treatment, but with it comes respect. I'm an adult now and they respect that as well.

My brother and I talked and talked for hours. We were talking about him and us and the things we enjoy doing together. We planned trips for us with little Eve, the next generation to follow and I'm happy that I'm a part of it. We talked about Bacolod and our holiday there. We talked about the games we used to play and we plan to play again. But for me, it was more than that. We were saying something but, obliquely, we were talking about something else. We were telling each other that no matter what happens, we will always take care of each other. More than the expected love that you give and receive from family; we are glad that we have helped shaped each other, by being family, to become people we can easily love and respect.

My brother loves me, not just because I'm his brother but because I've become someone he can admire and respect and the same goes for him. And we also understand that we both had something to do with that. Our experiences with each other and our own personal experiences have made all this possible. And this goes with all of us.

I can count my blessings over and over -- gaining the confidence to do what I want, having spent new year's in Boracay with amazingly wonderful people, becoming whole as a person and being able to recognise what I want. It goes on and on. But truth is, always on the top of my list is my family. That's one blessing that I have no idea how to repay God for.

posted by wanggo @ 5:30 PM 0 comments

the ugliest goat in the world

Cyndi Lauper from All Through the Night (written by Jules Shear)
Until it ends there is no end

Astrology Zone has once again given me a positive and hopeful forecast for January. It corresponds with all the stuff that the numerologist from Iloilo had said and what my friend who is also quite well versed in other practises of divination have predicted for me. So I'm keeping this big smile on my face and throwing caution to the wind.

But just because I plan to be more courageous doesn't mean I'm going to be stupid or reckless. Everything in proper perspective. Just take more chances, more risks but always have a back-up plan and be ready for anything. Exercise your reflexes and be ready to constantly think on the fly and then go. I'm going to see if I can do it -- trust my instincts.

Insomnia is hitting me badly again. I was in bed yesterday from 2 in the morning until 5:30 unable to sleep. It's really getting me down. I should've just stood up and done something -- wrote something or finished my book or done something productive. Lying in bed trying to sleep is a waste of time. Either you fall asleep or you don't. I'm thinking of taking a sleeping pill to help fix my body clock but before I get desperate, I read somewhere that honey is a natural sedative. I'll try honey first and see if it makes me sleepy.

Oh yeah, as promised -- the ugliest goat in the world! Note to self: never make your own costume again! Are those supposed to be my horns? They look more like demented bunny ears! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was supposed to be Esmeralda's goat from The Hunchback of Notre Dame and instead I look like some X-Men reject on speed. I'll never live this down!


(taken from the NMI `05 Christmas party; Disney themed costume party; first pic is Berna as Esmeralda and I'm her goat; the gang -- clockwise from Berna, Rica, Nelz, Bam, Pabsy, Binky and me)

posted by wanggo @ 9:42 PM 0 comments

full of tomorrow

Wislawa Szymborska
Life is the only way
to get covered in leaves,
catch your breath on the sand,
rise on the wings;

to tell pain
from everything it's not
to seek the least of all possible mistakes,
and to keep on not knowing
something important.

Tomorrow I go back to work. Had a fantastic holiday. Work without pay. I'm scared how little the 15th will bring in terms of salary but then, that was my choice. I don't mind. I needed to get out for a while. I needed to remember what it was like to be me. I wanted to be free again, for a while and not have anything to think about that didn't... I don't know... feel forced to think about? Or maybe, just a moment to get out of a routine. It's good to feel free.

And then there is the endless amount of tomorrows that will follow -- the promise of new experiences, the promise of new trials, new challenges, new moments of pleasure and new moments of pain. Bring it on, I say. I'm ready.

Today, I went to zips class and tackled on some more fire moves and finally got my first real battle scar. Working on new moves, I started trying out using the chainsaw maneuvre and I got the chains tangled up and ended up burning myself in my right arm. It isn't as nasty now as it was 4 hours ago but I'm proud of it.

I've posted pictures of me fire-spinning in Boracay. Pictures taken by my teacher Paulino Servado. I'm pretty proud of these shots. I was in the zone. I didn't care about the audience. They didn't faze me. I just wanted to dance with fire all around me. I had a blast.

I still can't believe I was dancing with fire all around me on the first day of the New Year. I promise, more to come!

posted by wanggo @ 12:42 AM 2 comments

elation

Bishop Oscar Cruz
If you talk to God, that's a prayer. If He talks back to you, that's schizophrenia.

I've just been having a weird day but in a good way. I wanted to get to my writing but found so many obstacles coming my way. Important phone calls and then important dinner meetings and then a visit to my dad bringing him some food and then a social call for some coffee and picking of brains and I come home with a big smile on my face and I may not have written a word the whole day, hoping that my Saturday would have been a writing day, it is perfectly okay. I had a great time.

I'm filled with this elation, like this year is going to be a good one. I'm really excited right now and I've got this itch to write and write and write and I'm not going to hold back. I'm going to be more courageous this year. I'm going to take more risks. Travel more and really explore, not just the world but my place in it and how far I can stretch myself as a person. As a human being. As a thinking person. As an artist.

I'm going for broke here because I don't consider myself an artist. I don't think I've done enough to support that statement. I don't think I have a body of work big enough or relevant enough to call myself an artist. But then, by comparison, I see or read about people who call themselves artists and think to myself Hey, I'm just as good and I'm doing exactly the same thing or I look at what I've done -- 1 published short story, 4 published poems, a whole lot of essays written that got published in dailies and other places. I'm kind of regarded as a writer by people that I look up to and people regard me well and with much admiration. In my short span as a person (26 years is not a lot) and what I've accomplished so far, Hey! I'm not doing badly.

And it's time to start wearing the shoes that I've bought. It's time to start putting on the pants and it's time to start getting comfortable with the life I've chosen for myself.

I'm not just elated; I'm confident. I'm sure. It's time I started acting it out.

posted by wanggo @ 1:33 AM 0 comments

in gratitude

Gustave Flaubert
Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original in your work.

I have been looking at the blogs of others and listening to people talk about the shifting of the years and notice how many either (1) talk about their new year's resolutions or (2) look back at 2005 and count their blessings. I think, at one point, I've already done that in Boracay. When you're alone, you have no choice but to constantly think of yourself and the things you have to change and the things that you are thankful for.

I was sitting in the beach front of Hey Jude! with Tesa, Carlos, Jun and a couple more of their friends as we watched the last sunset of 2005 and drinking strawberry daquiris and watching the people enjoy the cold water of the sea and the soft sand and I couldn't help think that everything, not just 2005 but ever since I began making decisions for myself when I was 14 or 15, somehow led me to that moment. I would eventually find myself in a beautiful place to spend the turning of the years with great people, drinking and enjoying the fact that I had a sincere, big smile on my face.

What do I have to be thankful for? The fact that I'm alive on these terms: a great family who understands and accepts me, finding people who understands and accepts me, having a skill that is creative and artistic and that really separates me from everybody else, having a skill that enforces my individuality (something that is very important to me) and that my life, pretty much, is in my control.

I've never really made new year's resolutions because I don't believe in it. If something is wrong, change it and fix it the moment you discover it. I guess January 1 is a great time to find and evaluate your life and help you find these things that you've been doing wrong. It's a special time in every year where you can actually reflect on these things. But I've always been self-reflective; I think it has a lot to do with me being self-centered and self-absorbed. So don't expect any great realisations. 2005 was a tough a year. There's no question about that. There was a lot of routinary behaviour and a lot of whining and complaining. There were many realisations regarding what life should be like and what life should be about. I've met many people and had my share of experiences. It's now time to apply it all.

There have been things set in motion by myself and by others (though they never realised it) and I gave myself a deadline, pretty much and now things have to be done and they will be done and I'm going to have to be ready. It's definitely time. There's no time like the start of the year to put a plan in motion.

(first picture is the last sunset of 2005 taken with my phone on the beach front of Hey Jude!)
(second picture is the first sunset of 2006 taken with my phone at Willy's Rock)

posted by wanggo @ 4:45 PM 0 comments

every grain of sand

F.M. Knowles
He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.

I had the most wonderful New Year celebration. I was all alone in Boracay, but I wasn't alone. How could I be? I was surrounded by people who were celebrating the new year in pretty much the same way. I found good friends there -- Tesa, Carlos and Jun and then Paulino and Tals. I got drunk, danced in the sand, watched the sunset, watched the sun rise, met tons of people, fire danced with poi and ribbons and whatever. I had a blast and it was unbelievable.

I was directly under the fireworks in Hey Jude! as the year switched from 2005 to 2006.

The experience is just so unbelievable. I'm still drowning in the spirit of it all. I traveled alone. I did what I wanted to do and I was fine and I was calling the shots for myself and I was just so happy.

I was zipping a whole lot and Paulino, my teacher, found the courage for me to dance fire and I was getting very comfortable with it. I can't wait to see the pictures and post some here.

But here is a little gift for you guys. Here's the first sunset of 2006. Everything must end so that new things can begin. Let us never be afraid of change.



Happy new year!

posted by wanggo @ 1:15 PM 0 comments