Indulgence

Thankful

Scott Adams
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

I want to be grateful. I don't want to take anything for granted. Life could be worse. Life could be much, much worse. So I want to take this opportunity to be thankful.

I am thankful for my family. I have a wonderful family who understands me and if they can't understand me, they try to and they accept me without question. They will air their grievances, they will share their reluctancies, they will be open and speak their mind but they do not discourage me, they do not hold me back. They do their best to guide me but let me make my own mistakes -- they let me live my life. I am very thankful for a family like this. This is where all my luck went to: being born in this family.

I am thankful for my friends who chose to ride the waves of my emotions -- my many ups and downs. They accept me for who I am and love me for it, for everything that comes with it. I have fantastic friends who take care of me when I need to be taken care of and they allow me to take care of them. They let me go when I need to be free and do my thing and they hold on to me when I go too far, they won't let me go. They wait and they rush me. They smile when I make a joke and tell me that I did wrong when I do wrong. I am thankful for these people whom I found and who found me. We both make the effort to make this friendship work.

I am thankful for the blessing of being provided for. That no matter how indecisive I have been in my life and how careless and carefree I've been, I've never wanted for the things that kept me alive -- a roof on my head, food on the table and all the other basic necessities that I need to sustain my living everyday. I am thankful that an opportunity has always come when I needed it to come and that though I can only count 2 instances in my life when I have been wealthy and, maybe even affluent, I've never been hungry, really hungry and desperate enough to have been immoral. I am thankful that I've been in a position to make ends meet.

I am thankful for the times that I have been hungry, living alone and counting pennies and making sure that everything is paid and that I may have lived on instant noodles and peanut butter sandwiches for weeks on end and walked to work from where I lived (which was very far) that it taught me what I really needed in life and what it takes to stay alive and the value of working hard and earning your keep. I am thankful for the lessons it has taught me. It has inculcated into me the importance of paying your dues first before indulging in the pleasures of life.

I am thankful for the opportunities I've allowed myself to indulge in -- to have worked in a school and be a teacher, to have worked in advertising and know how hard it is to sell an idea, to have worked in the television industry and realise the power of media and its reach and the power of writing and how it reaches people and touches them in different ways and to be a performer and to realise how 1 moment of entertainment can be such a powerful thing. I am thankful that I've allowed myself to work hard and earn a trip to Shanghai and to many parts of my country -- La Union, Cebu, Bohol, Boracay and Palawan. I am thankful that I've taken the leap of faith across the chasm of uncertainty to have found that landing in the other side is both sweet and sour. The grass is greener on the other side but it has its flaws as well.

I am thankful for having an open mind and for allowing myself the flexibility to let new ideas come in. I am thankful that I am not set in my ways and that I allow myself to adjust and change when something new and innovative comes to mind. I am glad that the wold still holds wonders for me and that I will always be able to learn something from people. I am thankful that I am porous and that there I see the value of other people -- from learning from them and letting them affect me.

I am thankful that I am open to sharing my view with the world. I am thankful that I am open to the world and that I want to be a part of it -- by living it and sharing what I've learned. I am thankful that I understand the importance of communication; that through interaction can we truly enrich our own lives and others. I am thankful that people are open to hearing what I have to say and are honest about how they feel about what I have to say. I am not alone in this world.

I am thankful that I have not taken this world and all it has to offer for granted. I am thankful that I am alive and that I'm going through all this, that I am capable of experiencing happiness and sadness, pain and pleasure. I'm thankful that life is not meaningless to me and that I have the power to make my life better or worse and no one else holds that power over me.

I am very, very grateful.

posted by wanggo @ 5:26 AM 2 comments

fantastic friends

Margaret Sangster from Sin of Omission
It's not the thing you do, dear, it's the things you leave undone that give you a bit of heartache at the setting of the sun.

Haven't been too much of a good friend as of late. I've been to involved in my own predicament that I haven't been available to my friends. That's the problem with being self-obsessed and self-centered -- the tendency is to only focus on your life when problems strike; when things aren't going your way. When everything is good, and there are clear horizons ahead, you have all the time in the world for everyone. But when things are not okay, then you retreat inside and want to take care of yourself but the tendency is towards moping and sulking.

That is why I was so very happy to have met up with Lance and DC last Friday. And, on an impulse, I invited Berna to go with us. I've been dying to hang out with her and realised she would be in good company with Lance and DC and I was happy and quite fortunate that she was available and willing. I don't usually mix friends, I hate that awkward moment when you start talking about people that are not within the same circles as some people in the group. I hate that. At the same time, DC and Lance are really good friends from a long time ago. And Berna has been a major, significant part of my life in 2 years that Lance and DC were not a part of. They are people from 2 different worlds in my life. There are things I'd want to talk about with Berna that I can't do with the 2 guys and vice versa. But there were not similarities with the three of them that I knew we could hack it. At the same time, I was pleasantly pleased to be able to put Berna in a sort of backseat and just observe me with other people. I'm different, I guess and it's great for me to actually show her what I'm like rather than hear it spoken from my mouth. Now, she doesn't have to take my word for it. She actually experienced it.

Happily, Lance brought a camera so we were able to have some actual footage of that crazy evening. I met up with Berna and Lance at Glorietta where we watched X-Men 3, The Last Stand (Berna for the first time, Lance and I for the second time). Then we went to Kitchen to meet up with DC and have a late dinner. We stayed in Kitchen the whole time and just chatted all night until Berna had to leave because she had an early call time the next day and Lance had to go to work.
DC and I then proceeded to Jay's place where we caught up and just had great conversation. I am always thankful for DC to always be so aware. With DC, I have this fantastic conversations that I would like to call "pedestrian philosophy." We don't exactly have the terminologies and the science of actually speaking philosophy, but we keep asking each other questions and stating examples about how we see life and the world and we break down the exact nature of things when we converse. At the end of this amazing conversations I have with DC, I always end up enjoying my life more. I always end up with a big smile on my face and a better understanding of myself and of DC, as well. I end up having to articulate my beliefs of how I see things, things I never bothered thinking aloud before -- I did it because I knew it was right for me, but I never had to think about the whys or try to articulate it. And when you articulate it, put it to words, it makes more sense than knowing it on an instinctive level. It is so satisfying to have conversations with DC.

DC eventually left when the sun rose and I slept at Jay's. I then woke up, went home to change and then go to Alabang for a semi-family reunion and then back home to get my things and change and then went to Chicane.

Chicane was more of a concert than a rave but it was perfectly fine. Chicane is an amazing composer and I like his songs and I had a grand time but the location was lousy. The place was extremely hot and completely uncomfortable because of it. The speakers were bad at the first 30 minutes of Chicane's set. I saw some people I wish I didn't see and saw some people I'm very glad to have seen.

Now, things are looking pretty good. Some things were thrown my way and instead of taking them, I chose to be wiser and told them I'd think about it and I really did. And so I might not be in a very good place now, I'm going to be very soon. I've been working hard, I've been getting rest, I've been figuring out what I need and what works for me. I'm cementing an image of myself that I want and working slowly to make it stable and not to break it again, like I always seem to do.

I have a calm and serene feeling right now. I wish it would remain this whole week and it because something burning bright with passion and excitement by next week. I've been sulking and moping for a little too long now.

posted by wanggo @ 2:05 AM 0 comments

Happy with X-Men 3

Henry David Thoreau
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.

Considering my father and my literary education and my elitist views on art and the human experience -- I do know how to watch a film. There are movies that insists you take it seriously and you do and you tend to judge that film based on the standards it sets for itself. Then there are movies that insists you sit back, relax and just enjoy and then you base your standards on that. I judge a movie by what it tries to do. While Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings Trilogy insists you sit back and watch the cinematic presentation of that great work of literature, I was awed and amazed by how much of the book he was able to bring out, how much of the intentions of the book he was able to reveal and how much of the joy of reading that book he was able to evoke. When Peter Jackson made King Kong, I watched it and I began to see that he did not want to try and make a powerful, moving piece as he did with J. R. R. Tolkien's literary work; he wanted to make a really good version of an old film. And so, I decided not to look for depth or, as the newspaper critic would call it, a story and instead just allow myself to be brought into this journey. And with such expectations, I enjoyed King Kong greatly. I had fun watching the giant gorilla fall in love with the enchanting character played fantastically by Naomi Watts.

As such, I can enjoy movies like the first Charlie's Angels, wherein it is an action/comedy that defies traditional reality in exchange for the surreal and the humorous. On that level, I was not expecting logic or a grounded sense of reality. What they presented was fun and I enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for the sequel, which I found too "over the top," as they say, and the actors were having too much fun at our expense. They created a groundwork for the surreality in which they existed in the first movie and then proceeded to take 3 steps further without regard for our own enjoyment.

The point I really want to get to, really, is to say that I just watched X-Men III The Last Stand with Datu and Kristi and I enjoyed this movie very, very much. Yes, it has its flaws, but the good parts outweighed the bad. From the first scene, I was glued to the spot, huge smile on my face and shouting deep inside, All right, Brett Ratner, I like what I see! Bring it on!

For the first part, this is much, much bigger than the first 2 X-Men movies. Not only in locations, where everything seems like a real location and not a set but the characters use their powers in normal situations. For me, these people have powers and they use it, it is part of their lives. It wasn't like the Brian Singer films where the powers were used in conjunction with the story-telling or to emphasize a character. This is the true super-hero movie I have been waiting for all my life.

You have to excuse me, I'm a super-hero geek, deep down inside. I grew up reading and collecting X-Men comics as a kid. I watched cartoons religiously. I read every super-hero genre comic that was available to me. I was (and maybe still am) a comic geek. I can recount to you the history of the X-Men from The Dark Phoenix Saga until the first few issues of Joe Kelly's run of the X-Men. That's from the early 80s until the late 90s, if I'm not mistaken. That's 10 years of X-Men history, for you.

I was growing up thinking of what my super-hero name would be and what I could do and what my costume would look like. I grew up thinking of my super-hero team and what was our angle, what made us different. And truth be told, there are days when I don't think about the great book or movie that I'd be writing, or the great love story of my life. Yes, there are still days when I day dream of having super-powers.

And everytime a movie comes out with super-powers in it, I was always sort of, kind of disappointed. Because of budget constraints, it never really reaches the point where it gets really messy and everybody is using their powers. I loved The Incredibles because that's what a movie about super-heroes should be like. X-Men and X-Men 2 was fine, but it didn't have that bigness. Everything felt contained. The Mysery Men was funny but it wasn't your true blue super-hero movie. The old Superman films suffered from poor special effects. Batman Begins is fantastic and one of my top 10 favourite films but Batman Begins is not a super-hero movie. Batman is extra-ordinary but not superhuman.

Funny, but the closest thing to a super-hero film that really made me excited was Sky High. While I enjoyed the film greatly and satisfied my super-hero fantasies, it was written for younger audiences. Hellboy was fun too, but it was mostly Hellboy that we got to see. League of Extraordinary Gentleman was fun and cool too, but they were bordering on the mystical and the extraordinary (Duh!) but not really super-powered. No, I'm sorry... None come to mind now except for The Incredibles, Sky High and, of course, X-Men III The Last Stand.

Let me start, first, of course, by saying that every comic fan of the X-Men will probably be throwing hissy-fits at the creative licenses Brett Ratner took to making his X-Men film. Let me continue by saying, I don't care! At this point, there is no way they could make a fun, believable and tight 2-hour film by following the canon. That's over 20 years of history that they have to put together, after all and not everyone read the comic book. So he's allowed to play around, and let me tell you, he played around a lot.

But the movie was big, action packed and continues to move on in every scene. Not one point was I bored and I was excited by everything he throws at us. Let me say, no one is safe and I was jumping in my seat with every new surprise coming my way. Wolverine loses his fierceness 80% of the movie but is given his due in one scene. Magneto proves why he is one fearsome mutant and not one to trifle with. Jean Grey is given her due, as well as Kitty Pride and Juggernaut. Ian McKellen had a blast as did Famke Jansen and Rebecca Romijn. Anna Paquin is as lovely as ever but lovelier still is Famke Jansen, who, I think, really gets to shine. I'm very happy with what they did with Juggernaut and was totally thrilled by what they did with The Beast and, ultimately, was absolutely blown away as each scene led to a fantastic climax.

I also salute him in lessening the screen time of already developed characters to make way for new ones and for his directorial vision to use certain characters as metaphors for the message of the movie. They might not have done much, but in truth, they helped spread the message of the movie. Some people will be wanting more and yes, I do want more, but for the 2 hours that I was sitting in that theatre, I enjoyed every minute. He was courageous as a director and I applaud him for that. It was a great, fun, summer blockbuster film. It didn't change my life, but it did affirm the inner comic geek in me. Just like The Lord of the Rings Trilogy of Peter Jackson brought a teen-age fantasy to life for me in the big screen, Brett Ratner's X-Men III The Last Stand brought a childhood fantasy to life. Thank you for that!

I so enjoyed myself that I'm going to watch the film again with my friends on Friday (which I am supposed to but I couldn't wait when Datu offered to watch it last night) and I'm sure to enjoy it again.

posted by wanggo @ 5:03 AM 1 comments

Bright and Early

Jewel from Satellite (written by Jewel Kilcher)
We understand a lot of things
About modern technology
But not about dreams
Our hearts are on the shelves
We can't fix ourselves
But we can fix a satellite

I like waking up early and going to work. Worked with a very difficult client. We are totally not on the same page and as the producer, director and executive producer were losing their cool, I, who has lost my cool at home or at Jay's house and bitched and whined and complained about this client, was able to keep my cool, look her in the eye and said, Okay, Ma'am, so what is it that you want from us? She has stepped too far and is asking for too much and, unfortunately, it is a complete misunderstanding. The producers did not properly set the parameters of what she was to expect from the costings that we gave her. It is not her fault she does not understand the jargon and what comes with the cost estimate. She said what she wanted and we did the translation in our heads based on what the approved budget was and what is expected of an AVP. Unfortunately, when she said she wanted a commercial we thought she meant she wanted a commercial treatment for the AVP. Our bad. But as much trouble as it would be for us, it's our job as service providers to provide the service that is expected.

I really hate client-servicing projects such as this but what can I do? It's the highest paying job a writer can get into third to movies and television but both forces you to deal with producers who think they are artists and muddle up the whole process. But I take it all in. The pain killers aren't the toughest or the strongest but it helps me stay a little numb and gives me reason not to be so talkative or perky as people expect me to be.

But I accomplished much today and made a plan of attack and then passed by Greenhills to reserve tickets for a movie with Datu and Kristi. I did some shopping with the very little money I have left -- bought Jewel's Good Bye Alice in Wonderland and Barbie Almalbis' Parade. While they are not super happy/jump for joy purchases -- they are enough to pass me by the month of May. Anyhow, Satellite and Last Dance Rodeo are my favourite Jewel songs (though I prefer the versions that came out in the Unplugged performance). I am enjoying Where You Are and Again and Again so it's not a complete loss or waste of money. For Barbie's album, well, I've loved her since the Hungry Young Poets days and I've always found a winning song in each album. For Parade, I am enjoying Dahilan and Overdrive and I fell in love with the song High on the radio and was surprised to find that it is her with this band called The Speaks. And Pag-alis is one of my favourite songs from the first album of Barbie's Cradle. To hear it again with a different arrangement just affirms how much I love this song.

It's strange to walk around with the bandages on my face. Datu went a little overboard when he put it on and the sterile strips went on my eye lids and that made it very uncomfortable and I ended up rubbing on it so now I have a black-eye. I replaced the sterile strips this morning on my own and made it smaller and kept away from the eyelid. It's more comfortable now and while still very obvious (it's on the nose and the eyebrow, after all) it isn't as menacing or freakish. Now, people are staring because it looks like I came from a fight. I look tough and serious. Girls are afraid of me and guys end up sizing me up. I've really learned how to walk tough in the streets to keep people from messing with me and it all adds up to an image of myself that I'm not use to. After all, with my friends, I'm the one they make fun of, or maybe they come to me for trivial information or maybe ask advice. But I'm not the tough guy at all.

Now I'm home and I'm doing some work and then I'll take a little nap before dinner, watch the movie with my brother and sister-in-law and write the new storyline of a possible project I've got. It's amazing -- for months, I've been fixing the God damned thing in my head to no success and just today, it comes from nowhere. I figured it out. I'm excited to throw myself at it later. It's going to be impressive.

Fishing, I was told, is not just hooking the fish to the line. I was told that you have to gently push and pull, tug to secure the hook and then to let it go a bit to allow the fish to get the hook deeper in. It's a process of pulling and pushing before you reel the fish in. The creative process is like fishing, I guess. Sometimes you jump off the boat and club them fishy bastards and other times, you just sit back and wait, light up your cigarette and wait for the suckers to bite the bait.

You learn something new everyday.

Jewel Kilcher from Satellite (written by Jewel Kilcher)
The pope can't fix my broken heart
Rock-n-Roll can't fix my broken heart
Valium can't fix my broken heart
Ms. Cleo can't fix my broken heart
But will you fix my broken heart?
Cause I'm gonna give you a satellite
Fix my broken heart

(picture above taken by Jay sometime April, 2006; picture of me, looking out at the sea in Cagbalete, Quezon taken by Chinkee during Holy Week of 2006)

posted by wanggo @ 5:28 PM 1 comments

stuck

Queen Snow White from The Tenth Kingdom
I know she was bad? Of course I did. But I also knew that I couldn't keep the door closed all my life just because it was dangerous... just because there was a chance I could get hurt.

Am on self-imposed house arrest today. I've got bandages on my face and anti-biotics and pain-killers running through my body so I'm afraid of what I'll be like outside of the house. I now think about the whole tripping over the carpet thing with much amusement. After all... that was really dumb! It puts a smile on my face. At least now, there won't be so much picture taking for a bit. They'll be asking me to take the pictures. Ha Ha Ha

I got to thinking about being stuck at home and not being able to go out. The mole on my feet is starting to itch. If it was just a voluntary choice to stay home, then everything would be fine, but it isn't. If it was voluntary, I'd be able to sit still and just read a book or finish my writing but this isn't that sort of thing. I'm stuck here because of the state I'm in and that always gets my wanderlust aching.

That's probably the reason why I have commitment problems. When something is expected of me, I go nuts! I go crazy. I guess I don't deal well with demands -- unless I like the person/situation who is making the demand. Planetzips can make any demand of me and I'd be gladly willing to meet and then exceed their expectations. I like them and I like zipping. Or when I was working on TXTube in GMA NMI. I believed in the show and I loved working with Binky and Bam and Berna. They asked anything and I'd do it. But something like my work in my most recent office -- I was having difficulties enjoying that sort of hold.

Right now, I just want to go to Greenbelt or something. Just walk around and see people in activity. Except it just rained and that will make things difficult and I'm just scared of having to commute all that way and it might rain again. It rained pretty hard here at my area. With these bandages on my face, I'm pretty vulnerable right now. Or at least feeling vulnerable and the pain-killers are making me a little slow.

I nice trip out would be great but I can't afford it. Got to work. Got to work...

(shot of Greenbelt, taken with my old phone sometime in February (or was it January?) 2006. Shot of Jay, Morx and I on our arrival at Mauban, Quezon, taken by Jezer during Holy Week of 2006)

posted by wanggo @ 2:51 PM 0 comments

a rush of blood in the head

David Cronenberg
We think identity is genetically given, but I believe there is creative will involved with the decision of who we are going to be.

I left for Jay's birthday party that sorta-kinda lasted for 3 days. 2 nights of fun and a day just to relax and chill and hang out, to let the weekend pass by and go home normal, rather than blundering from a night full of partying.

Well, the first night was a bust. A new friend, Nino, got drunk and insisted I take shots of wine and champagne. I was totally against it. You don't shoot wine or champagne! You taste it! You're just wasting the taste, I would shout but he was vehement. He wanted me to have as much fun as he is. So I drank. And I drank and drank some more. I got to the party at 10pm. By 1am, I was so God damned wasted, I made a really stupid case against why anyone would want to wear a tie (all it does is create an arrow to the penis!) and generally made an ass of myself. Everyone thought it was funny and okay and they said I didn't push the boundary or made fun of anyone severely. Everyone was laughing at me and with me. So no harm done. Of course, Kate and Cathy arrived at around 1:30am and I didn't even get to exchange more than 10 sentences with them before I passed out on the couch. Next thing I knew, I woke up and I was on one of the beds with someone else. Oh shit, I thought to myself, I got wasted.

The second night was fun as well and nothing untoward happened, at least. It was just a great time with great friends. Less people, more intimate. It was a great idea of Jay to invite the closer friends on the second night -- the ones he has been really spending much time with and whose company means a lot to him. It created a very intimate and personal atmosphere. It was really a treat. Had a blast.

Sunday found just the four us -- Jay, Rex, Morx and myself just chillin' out at the hotel room. We were just hanging around, filled with so much toxins that we didn't really feel like moving about. So we watched television, ordered fast food delivery and then ate without much gusto. We sat down in bed again and fell asleep and woke up to watch television. We were lying down for hours before I decided to stand up and get a glass of water. On my way out, I guess I must've stood too fast or something but the blood just rushed out of my head so quickly, I sorta lost balance, then I tripped on the carpet and ended being woken up from the floor. Rex was holding me and asking if I was okay. Wangs, what happened?

I said, what am I doing here? Wasn't I in bed? And he looked at me, incredulously. He asked me if I remembered having stood up to get water. It was vague. I was having a really vivid dream when Rex woke me up so I had thought I was just asleep but when he mentioned me getting up for water, I remembered standing up to get water. I remember filling the glass with ice and then approaching the water then darkness. I had fallen unconscious while tripping on the carpet. I remembered the head rush and the dizziness.

Then, like a movie, I was smiling and I'm sure blushing because I was really embarrassed and then Rex's eyes went wide open and he said you're bleeding! And I said, I am? And when I brushed my fingers over my forehead and looked, there was blood all over my fingers. Morx came out about this time and started shouting, Oh my God! There's so much blood! It was like a movie because I didn't feel anything. I was like, it's probably just a cut. And then Rex and Morx insisted I go to the hospital. Jay turned white.

I slowly started walking to the bathroom to inspect the damage and asked, how long was I out? And Rex said it was just moments because the moment they saw me fall over, he ran out to check on me. Strange, I said, because I had a rather long dream. That, of course, freaked everyone out some more. When I finally reached the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was a bloody mess! I had a gash in my nose and I think some bone could be seen and a large gash in my eyebrow that showed the skin cracked and parting. The only thing I could think of was, Shit! I'm going to need stitches! I hope they give me a really strong pain killer!

I refused to go to the hospital without brushing my teeth and changing my shirt and putting on deoderant. I wanted to take a bath but they wanted me at the hospital right away. After all, I might be suffering from a concussion or post-traumatic stress syndrome or whatever. I was just so calm, I didn't want to over-react. But they were really scared. I brushed my teeth, sprayed my Nivea Anti-perspirant/Deodorant spray and changed my shirt and was ready to leave. When I got to the hospital, I looked like a bloody mess but I refused to just sit down, I wanted to keep moving. Everyone was telling me to sit. I'm such a horrible patient.

Apparently, I didn't need stitches. If I did, it would have been just 1 for the nose and 2, at the most, for the eyebrow cut. But these could be healed by sterile strips. It wasn't that serious. So that was cool. And I had to take a CT scan and that was fun. Never had one before. The doctor wasn't scared at all because if I had internal bleeding or a concussion, I should've vommitted after my fall or when I woke up. But I didn't so there was probably no internal damage. Hey! I have a hard head! He He He

Got out of the hospital and I'm so happy because aside from the anti-biotics, I have a prescription for pain-killers! Hee Hee Not that I'm an addict or anything but the doozy feeling of walking around with your head in the air is the only thing that's fun in an injury or an infection. I don't go around buying pain-killers and taking them without doctor's approval. In fact, I hate taking any kind of pill with or without doctor's consent. But if they prescribed pain-killers, I'm so happy for it. He He He That's the addict in me, I guess! Ha Ha Ha

So here I am now, back from a super enjoyable weekend party. I've got sterile strips on my nose and on my eye brow, looking like Nelly whose stylist just went overboard and I've got this little head ache at the nose area where the pressure is building because I asked Datu to put the strip on tight so that it really closes the gash and I'm going to see what life is going to be like in the next coming days.

Exciting days are coming. I can feel it. And it has nothing to do with the bump in the head. It's just that it can't get any worse than that! Damn, carpet! He He He

posted by wanggo @ 2:34 AM 0 comments

not enought time

John Updike
The refusal to rest content, the willingness to risk excess on behalf of one's obsessions is what distinguishes artists from entertainers, and what makes some artists adventurers on behalf of us all.

I just don't seem to have enough time to do anything! I just quit my job and on my last day, they throw me a presentation and 5 concepts to work on. And of all the days, that was when we were working very, very slowly. I was losing my temper, getting all red in the face and totally incapable of anything slightly resembling humour.

And on the day that I've decided to quit and allow myself more free time for myself, I get a call from someone who is offering me a project. Great! I felt lucky to know that something will always come up for me. Felt is the appropriate word. The person on the other end of the line gave me a Monday deadline. I got the call on Thursday.

I still have articles due to submit and a script I have to finish. Why can't they tell me earlier? Why can't I have a week grace period to work on anything? Why does everyone want me to think up of something and write it in a matter of 2 or 3 days? I know, that in the past, I have been able to deliver and it's great to know that people believe in me but right now, I just want to have a chance to do some stuff for myself.

Stop it! Stop it, Wanggo! Don't complain. You're always complaining but you never say "no." And it's going to put food on your table and pay for the ceiling that keeps you dry from the rain. I just find it unfair that people who need things, willing to pay for them, have no concept of time or how hard it is to rack my brain for something that they want. It's tiring too and if I don't have a chance to have a life, there is no way I can come up with something new and original and exciting. I need to have time for myself -- to read a book, to watch a movie, to walk in the streets and see what people are wearing, where people are going, what people are saying and how they move and react to the world.

People don't understand that creative people -- artists, artists, painters, writers, actors, production designers, architects -- all kinds of people who have to make something beautiful and functional at the same time (yes, art does serve a function and... oh! that's a whole `nother blog!) have to have lives. Creative people have to be able to live to be able to do their jobs well. You chain them to their office and their ability to create dies right there, frozen by the cold steel of the chain.

Datu wants to play an RPG game and I've got so many people who want to meet up with me, and my Dad and Mom need me to send something -- and truth be told, I want to do all these things for people. I want to play RPG with Datu because I know what it means to him; though I don't enjoy it anymore. I want to meet up with all my friends but there are only 7 days in the week and I only have so much money. I want to do the stuff for my Mom and Dad, hell, I owe them so much, but I don't have the time to do it with work and all (they asked me to do this stuff when I was in the middle of working in the slave-driving office).

Sometimes, when all these things come together, it starts to feel like demands. When you don't have the time to do the stuff you want, all these other things, though not demands start feeling like it. But that's the life I have right now so I'm going to live it and make the most out of every situation.

Oh yeah... and something else is happening to me. Something weird and strange and totally unexpected. It is all a bunch of coincidences and experiences that, when put together, all of a sudden makes sense, somehow.

Talk about it soon...

posted by wanggo @ 4:42 PM 0 comments

much ado about The Da Vinci Code

from The Princess Diaries
Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the realiation that something is more important than fear.

I just watched The Da Vinci Code with Datu and Kristi. There were so many people who were trying to get a ticket that they had to open a whole theatre at 1am just to accommodate the amount of people who wanted to watch. Datu told me that the SM malls were not showing the movie because of its anti-Catholic/anti-Christianity theme. So more and more people were flocking to other theatres just to watch it.

It was fun. I think Ron Howard was a great choice for director, considering his amazing ability to visualize the abstract. His vision in A Beautiful Mind and ability to make us see the inner workings of the main character's mind was just sheer genius. Again, it was needed in this kind of film where, other than being able to pick out the clues from visual imagery in terms of the paintings, there were historical concepts that needed to be brought up without being boring. He was able to tell the main point of Dan Brown's book and still keep it an adventure-mystery story. At the same time, he saw the movie (or the story) as being something of a meeting point between the past and the present. His directorial choice to let the images of the past meet the present was an excellent move on his part. The movie was very entertaining.

Naturally, a lot of the book was missing but what did you expect? How much could they tell in 2 and a half hours? They took what was necessary and showed it. I've read the book and still had fun. In my opinion, that means it is a success.

Don't get me wrong, though, I'm not a big fan of The Da Vinci Code. I found the book entertaining and informative. It got me to thinking but not by too much. I had already discovered some of the things the book was trying to uncover on my own, from reading other stuff. And I didn't find the book life changing in any way since I'm not a Catholic. The book was asking questions I was already asking -- just that it was more well-researched and more historically based. But I had fun, the 2 days it took me to finish the book. It was a fun adventure and an interesting and intriguing mystery, and while I won't say that it's a book that is anywhere near my top 20 list (it isn't) but it didn't waste my time.

What can I say? I'm a literary snob. I was trained to read by Dr. Marjorie Evasco, Dr. Cirilo Bautista, Dr. Luisa Aguilar-Carino-Igloria and other luminaries of Philippine Literature. I'm more impressed by lyrical prose, by the merging of form and substance, the literary quality of books that separate pop art and true art. I consider Annie Dillard's For the Time Being as a spectacular book and I'm enthralled by the writing style of Jeanette Winterson or the immediacy and straight-forward prose of Philip K Dick. I have much higher standards for my literary inclinations. (Fuck, I'm such a fucking snob-bastard!)

What gets to me, though, is how a lot of people are so pissed off at Dan Brown and The Da Vinci code for its supposed anti-religion/anti-Catholic/anti-Christianity themes. The Opus Dei are so against it and the religious owners or managers or whoever of the SM malls banned it from being seen in their theatres. Why? It's not as if the books points were completely impossible? It's not as if he went so far as to create false events to paint them in a bad light? In fact, there is so much history of the violence of the church throughout the years that it does make for very good fiction. And he's always said that it is a work of fiction. I think the book, and the movie, has a very good message in the end, despite how it may portray the Opus Dei and Christianity.

In the end, it's not the facts that are going to change the world but people's faith. No matter what you know and what is put before you, your faith shall carry you through. This book is not going to change anything and neither is the movie. At the most, it will make people think very hard about what it is they believe in and it will make it stronger, or if it won't, it will make people ask questions -- questions that will lead them to the answer they need to get through. And that's not such a bad thing, really. It makes people not take things for granted.

I think a lot of people take too many things for granted. They do it because other people are or worse, they do it because it has always been that way. That's so awful. We should always ask questions and keep asking questions and we should always be looking for the truth. We should never be satisfied with the testimony of others but find the answers for ourselves. And when we've found it -- when we've been through hell and high water; then we can rest easy at night and no one, no movie or book will steer us away from that which we believe in.

So say what you want to say, ask and keep on asking. In the end, I will make up my own mind and so should you.

posted by wanggo @ 4:57 AM 2 comments

full moon in Paris, sunrise in Mexico

Antoine de Saint-Exupery
What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.

I've been chatting with Djong on the yahoo messenger today and we kept talking about our dreams to travel the world. Live the lives of bohemians and live by the day, throwing caution to the wind and really making the most of what this life has to offer.

But fear is stopping us from making that step forward. We are easily deterred from taking that monumental journey that will complete our way of making ourselves who we want to be. But once it happens, once we get to that next step, BLAM! We will be able to fully realise who we are and we're going to be unstoppable.

I've been thinking a lot about the things I want from the world and all of a sudden, while being rich and having money is a great fantasy, it's more and more falling down on my list of priorities. I want to see more exotic sunsets in gorgeous beautiful locations. I want to have more and more interesting, deeply personal conversations with interesting people, characters who have done things and seen stuff.

I want to be able to zip in beaches that are not in the Philippines. I want to read more books and read them in weird places like in a train station in Vienna or in the airport in Iceland or in a coffee shop in South Africa. I want to drive down a street in Hyderabad or ride a boat in the rivers of Malaysia or Laos. I want to find myself bargaining with a street vendor in Egypt or haggling over the price of a finely woven carpet in Morocco.

I want to write a book and be read by an Englishman on his vacation in Paris, a New Yorker reading at home on the weekends, an Indian professor in-between checking his student's papers at the University in New Delhi. I want to have pictures taken of me in The Great Wall of China, The Taj Mahal and the Outback.

I want to go dancing in a club in Russia and walking in the streets of Amsterdam or go shopping in a mall in Singapore. I want to kiss the Blarney stone in Ireland (is that right?) and work in a sheep ranch in New Zealand for 3 months. I want to go surfing in the beaches of Japan and sun bathe in Cape Town.

I want to see the new moon from the streets of Shanghai or get crazy with the full moon in Paris and find myself in some thrilling, romantic experience with a stranger that lasts for the 3 nights of the full moon and to always wonder if that was the one? I want to watch a sunset in a beach in Indonesia and find myself in a cruise around the Mediterrenean. I want to find myself on a beach in Acapulco, watching the sunrise with a half-full glass of Zombie and a smile on my face. I want to have a cup of coffee with 3 good friends in a beautiful little shack in Alaska while watching the Aurora Borealis and throw another coin into the Fountain of Trevi.

I don't see myself ever settling down. I don't see myself with a sedentary life. I'm not a tree but a vine. I'm not a lake or a pond but a river and a waterfall. I'm not a satellite with a fixed orbit but a comet that travels that universe in search of something brighter than my own brilliance.

posted by wanggo @ 6:25 PM 2 comments

taking it back

Margaret Atwood
The Eskimos have fifty-two names for snow because it is important to them; there ought to be as many for love.

A great big burden has been lifted from my shoulders. The weight is off my back. I can breathe easy again. It's done and over.

Yes, today I told my direct superior and friend, Leigh, that as much as I love the Strategic Development Team and that I found the work fun and challenging, it was just too much. I understand that it is big business but I would wake up and immediately go to work and then stay at work the whole day and then come home and it was go to sleep and back to the same old drawing board -- or sometimes, stay at Jay's house so that I won't be so late anymore. Or worse, get home and work at home so that I can submit stuff before the morning comes and we can submit the stuff before hand. It's just crazy!

It's big business. I'm sure there are people who love that sort of challenge, but I'm not up to it. I'm not afraid of hard work but I believe that if I'm going to work that hard on something, it has to be something I believe in rather than getting people to buy more of a particular product. I cannot abide by capitalism. I don't live by that code. Sure, it's great to be rich and have lots of money but that is not my be all and end all. I want to make a difference. I want to be able to enrich people's lives. I cannot work in the office whose sole purpose is to help big companies just make more money. If I were to work that hard, like I did for TXTube, it better be something that will actually entertain or make people's lives better. TXTube was entertaining for a lot and we were able to show people interesting things to try out.

I didn't have a life anymore. Day in, day out, I was just a machine. I was just working and working. I haven't seen Mission Impossible 3 yet or I haven't seen an episode of any new television show. I'm still in the same chapter in my book, haven't read anything new and am far from finishing it. I've only seen Jay and those who visit him because he lives 2 blocks from my office. I need to have my life back. I want it back, so that's what I did. I took it back.

So I quit. Finishing the week and then I'm back to freelance land and I'm going to look at all my options again and hope that things will be better this time round. I'm hoping that the other job offer is still open. That's something I can really sink my teeth into.

Many thanks to the Captain, Cat, for helping me out and chatting with me this whole week and helping me clear out my head. I've missed out on some good zip gigs but I think I'm back on track. I won't be so hard on myself like I was on this moment. We are allowed to make mistakes. Just learn from them and it will be okay.

(Cat and I at Caliraya at the end of March, 2006)

posted by wanggo @ 4:40 AM 0 comments

itchy feet

Ralph Gerard
Reason can answer questions, but imagination has to ask them.

I saw a movie last night called L' Auberge Espagnole (The Spanish Apartment) and it was a French movie set in Barcelona. The lead was going to take Economics in the University of Barcelona. While he was there, he rooms in a tiny apartment with 5 different students -- 2 girls, 1 from Spain and 1 from England and 3 guys, 1 German, 1 Danish and an Italian. They were all from different countries who had gone there to study. In one of his classes, he meets up with a Belgian who babysits to pay for her room rent. There were scenes when they would all talk and it's college talk -- idealistic, studied, structured and very passionate. It was so appealing. I was just getting excited. I was having a hard time understanding the film because the film wasn't formatted for the television set and the subtitles were tucked at the bottom, half the letters of the lowest line in the subtitles were being eaten away and it was making it very difficult to read. But there they were, students from different countries, dealing with each other, studying, becoming whole. I wish I could have finished (and started) the movie but I had to sleep. But I saw what I needed to see.

It was such a wonderful look into what life could be like.

I started to think that maybe there are so many other options for me. What am I saying? That is exactly what I told my friend Daniel from Denmark yesterday. There are always options -- choices that we didn't know were available to us. We just have to sit still for a minute and clear our heads and it will present itself. Studying abroad has always been available to me if I just work it. I should get off my ass and finally apply for that Fulbright Scholarship. Start setting money aside for that trip abroad, for the tuition, for the money that scholarships can't provide for.

What am I so scared of?

I've been to so many places, more than some people and I've seen wonderful things. I've been dazzled and amazed by the Bund of Shanghai, the cathedrals of Rome, the Duomo of Florence, the buildings of Hong Kong. I've been to one of the oldest mangroves in the world in Sabang, Palawan and drank fresh from a mountain spring in Quezon. I've been up to Baguio and have gone to Boracay which is not provincial anymore but practically a city already.

There is just so many things to see. I want to see them all.

I've been getting this itch to disappear for a month to write something -- a novel? A movie? I don't know. But I think it's time that I start getting something done. I've been sitting with my thoughts for far too long. No more time. I've been dawdling, I've been distracted, I've been taking too much time. What am I so scared of? There are things that I want that, in truth, I'm also very scared of. I'm a person who so easily falls into my comfort zones and I can't get out of them. Truth is, I guess, I'm not as brave as I think I am, or let myself out to be. But at one point, I'm just going to burst and I need to do this. I really need to do this. What am I waiting for? That point of explosion? It isn't going to do me any good. So let's scratch the itch, let's scratch the ache. It's now or never.

(picture of a river in Banahaw (Quezon) taken from TXTube footage, taken in May 2005. Shot of one of Palawan's islands taken from the airplane by Rica de Ramos, June 2006.)

posted by wanggo @ 9:55 AM 0 comments

Switching Lanes (the swerve to the left was a mistake)

Oscar Wilde
Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.

I've had enough. I did not leave one place in frustration to just come back to another place that's exactly the same. This is not an exercise in futility. I didn't get here just to go back to where I started. I made a decision to do what I love. I refuse to love what I do; or better yet, I refuse to love what I have ended up doing. I have choices. I've received so much encouragement and praises for having chosen to live the life I wanted. I am not going to turn back on all that just for some false sense of security and a whip on my back!

I have always told people that you can be sustained by that which you love. It may not make you rich but you can live on it. Afterall, whatever it is you love, you will do well. And whatever you do well will be received with pleasure and much acceptance. There is energy in passion and people will see that energy, some people feed on that energy and that is what will sustain you. I've been weak. I've strayed. Not anymore.

Tomorrow it ends. Tomorrow I'm putting an end to this and hoping to God that there is still a chance to grab that opportunity that presented itself just a little too late. I've never been a patient man, and so I quickly make mistakes. Thank God it also means that I'm quick to fix it. I took a swerve to the left. It just seemed like the right route to take at the time. Never make desperate decisions. Clear your head. Think. We can't see the future but we know ourselves -- and that should be good enough.

posted by wanggo @ 5:53 PM 1 comments

complaining, whining, bitching

Pablo Picasso
I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.

Am in a financial slump as of the moment. I've all this money but no access to it. I'm getting frustrated. I have to tighten up my belt much more tightly now than ever if I am to make it to the next payday. Whenever that will be!

And I get home in the weekend with the utmost need to use the computer and internet and I discover that our internet account has been frozen. Datu and Kristi haven't paid. And so my whole schedule was disrupted. Because of my financial problems, I don't have the money to pay for a full day usage in an internet cafe. So my whole schedule was fucked up and I don't know what I'm going to do to be able to catch up to my backlog of things to submit.

The rains haven't been helping either. I was hoping for a final blast of summer before the coming of the rainy season but typhoon "Caloy" made his presence known in a very inconvenient way. The rains made things very difficult -- like moving around, getting home, getting to work and stuff. I was wearing the wrong clothes for the weather. I was prepared and wearing clothes for the summer and it was raining in the middle of May! We were all hoping it would come later in the month but it came early this time round. Damn it!

Down in the dumps. If it weren't for great friends and 30 minutes to an hour every other day that I can sneak in my reading, I'd probably have jumped off a building by now.

posted by wanggo @ 10:21 AM 0 comments

mind control

As texted to me by Cholo
Ability may let you reach heights, but only character allows you to stay there and enjoy it.

Last night, I decided to practice mind control. There is a theory that if you write down, on a piece of paper, statements in the present tense regarding yourself, they will come true, if you read it aloud 15 times a day. For example, if you write I have a million dollars in my bank account, it will come true if you read it often. The theory is that the human brain does not function in the future or in the past -- it only functions in the present. If it keeps receiving the statement on a regular basis -- let's say, 15 times a day, it will start working on a subconscious level to achieve the truth of the statement. You will subconsciously start to save money and then, before you know it, you have a million dollars in the bank.

The rules are that it must be in present tense. The wording should be in the positive, not in the negative. Instead of saying I don't cheat on my diet you should say I follow my diet strictly. Negative statements affect the brain in a certain way and might ruin the process. Keep it positive. At the same time, it should be hand-written. The brain responds better to your own handwriting than, let's say, printed with Word.

A friend of mine shared this mind control technique with me after reading it somewhere. I think it was Reader's Digest. My friend tried it and it worked. My friend had a huge bank account, which is what she wanted to achieve. This was back in college. I told my sister's good friend Tutis and she decided to try it. She put in the wall of her room I drive my own Pajero and within 8 months, she bought her own Pajero. I told Jay about it and he said that he did it once and managed to achieve what he had written. The statement holds true.

For some strange reason or another, I never did this technique. I don't know why. I guess I didn't want to get things in such a manipulative manner. I wanted to be in full control of my achievements. It's the control freak in me, I suppose.

But last night, I decided to write down in a piece of paper some things I wanted to achieve. I ended up with 7 statements. The first involved my social status. The second involves ownership, a material thing. The third and fourth is a statement regarding my finances. The fifth is about my career. The sixth is with regards to my appearance. The last is with regards to a skill.

Let's see if I can control my mind, force my subconscious to work with me rather than against me.

posted by wanggo @ 4:36 PM 1 comments

a very Extraordinary Machine

Bjork from Headphones (written by Bjork and Tricky)
I like this resonance
It elevates me
I don't recognize myself
This is very interesting



I made a great disservice to Fiona Apple and Mike Elizondo. I said I love all the songs from her 3rd album Extraordinary Machine but that I prefered the original, unofficial bootlegged release of Jon Brion. But after constantly listening to the official release of the album, I must say, I now understand why it was re-recorded and why everything sounds the way it does.

Extraordinary Machine, as produced by Mike Elizondo and Brian Kehew, is a fantastic work of art. Fiona Apple, as a songwriter, has really evolved and grown and has become unbelievably superb. My Dad doesn't like her because he finds her too wordy. I don't mind. I find it very intelligent, revealing and deep. The official release, I said, took out the emotional intensity of Fiona's singing from the unofficial release. I said that the music lacked punch and that the quirkiness and eccentricities of Jon Brion's musical production managed to move in accordance to the lyrics.

But now that I'm listening to the Mike Elizondo sessions, I see why Fiona didn't like the unofficial versions -- it was too busy, too frenetic. The music shrouded over her and while the message remains the same, the impact of the song is two-fold, except, rightly so, with the songs Extraordinary Machine and Waltz (Better Than Fine) which should retain that over-production. They are immense songs and require that sort of "big-ness" to it.

On the other hand, Mike Elizondo and Brian Kehew downplayed the music to bring out the words, the meaning. The music just became a bed for the words to really play itself out. It doesn't usurp the song, it doesn't take it over. It is merely support. And I like how that works for Fiona Apple's songs. What makes her songs powerful are the words and her voice. And the re-recorded vocals are fabulous. Instead of being overtly emotional as it sounded in the unreleased version, the re-recorded vocals are more tempered, giving it a chilly feel that all of this is being told in the past-tense. There is more control and it restrains itself from being too dramatic, too emotional. It's just right. It's perfect.

And her songwriting is unbelievable. It's quirky and destroys any regular format of songwriting. Like my Dad said, it's wordy and gets to put so much thought in in one verse. Some songs don't follow the verse-chorus-verse-chorus format. She flits and darts from melody to melody. It's just unbelievable that anything can be this good. But it is. I love it.

Oh Well, Red, Red, Red and Better Version of Me are my favourite tracks in the album and of course, Extraordinary Machine, whose chorus is something I like to use on my yahoo status messenger whenever I can. It's a superb album and I'm so happy to have it and I'm sorry if there are people who didn't buy the album because I wrote a few weeks ago that the unreleased bootleg versions were, in my opinion, better. No, I was wrong. This is a more mature, more focused and more intense version.

Now, I hope she doesn't wait for another 6 years to release her next album. Because already, I am excited and giddy with excitement to hear with what she cooks up next.

posted by wanggo @ 11:15 AM 3 comments

my body gave out

Alfredo Navarro Salanga
No tree lives without dying. No tree dies without touching the sky.

My body gave up on me. I finished the concept at 6am this morning and since I had to be in the office by 8am, I decided not to sleep anymore and just get ready for work. All I did was sit down on my bed to gather my coins, my house key and wallet and the next thing I knew I was awakened by my phone ringing. My superior was asking if I had fallen asleep since we were texting that morning when I had told her I sent the e-mail already. So I told her I was going to rush to the office. I stood up to urinate and the next thing I knew I was waking up on my bed and it was way past lunch time with 2 or 3 missed calls and a couple of texts. I was flustered! How did I get to my bed when my last conscious moment was peeing in the bathroom? My head was pounding, demanding more sleep and I was trying to get up but it began to rain and my body was telling me it needed more sleep. It took me forever to try and get out of bed. You know that feeling, lying in bed, willing your body to stand up but it totally won't do it. It won't get up? That's what it was like. Physically trying to get out of bed. It was horrible. I felt like an invalid.

I ended up sleeping a bit again.

Now I'm just resting my body. One whole day of just rest and not thinking about anything. I'll try to read another chapter of my book and maybe I do some creative writing. Gotta get my mind out of work for a day and then go back refreshed and ready for another week of tackling the mundane. While it's fun and challenging, I realised my work is really consumerism at work. It is using abstract and creative ideas to end up selling more. It's an amazing concept, really but it's funny considering I'm such an anti-capitalist. Deep down inside, I'm a bohemian, a free spirit.

Been asking people for stories, advice, anything to process what's going on inside right now. I'm fighting all my urges and quick judgements -- initial disappointments, attraction to the glitter and gold, expectations, unrealistic fantasies and assumptions -- to just be able to make a better decision. I don't want to make another mistake. I'm clearing my head. There's still so much work in my head right now. I gotta clear my head.

posted by wanggo @ 5:49 PM 1 comments

masochism at the workplace

Fernando Afable
You can't get lost if you're sure you don't know where you're going.

Today was spent working on a concept for 1 event. We were to think of 2 possible activations that we can do in a school. Toughest thing I've ever had to think up of. It was more demanding than any of my Literary Research professor Doctor Bernie Oloroso's demands; and anyone who has gone under Ma'am Bernie would know what I mean. In fact, we haven't finished yet. Instead, we decided to take home the work and finish all our seperate parts and submit it all in the morning to have someone merge all the ideas together. I'm mentally spent, completely drained. I also know that the moment I step into the office tomorrow, they're throwing another school event at me, but they promised it would be easier. I like the work but it's just so demanding. Everyday, I'm like a sponge squeezed dry. I start the day excited and happy. As the day draws on, I try to keep a happy demeanor and throw out concepts like a madman. I make jokes and I make fun of myself to keep the atmosphere light. I end up smoking more and I've caught myself drinking soda and eating chips when I can. I look out the window and think what it would be like walking the streets of Makati at that moment. By the end of the day, the smile is gone, the jokes are a beat behind and my shoulders have slumped. I get home to wish for my bed, only to realise that I'm not yet done, I've got one more concept to do.

On a side note: don't get me wrong about Doctor Oloroso, she is a super fantastic teacher. Every meeting, we had to submit a new portion of our mock thesis and it was very demanding work. Deep inside, we were cursing her (or at least I was) and I just wanted to get the class over with. Everyday it was a new requirement, a new set of research materials to be passed. Nearing the end of the term, she told us that the following week we had to submit our mock thesis. We went nuts! We stood up and objected, we told her it would take us more than a week to finish all our chapters. She gave us a quizzical look and laughed at our faces. For everything that you passed and I returned, you take a look at my comments and do the necessary revisions. Then you compile it all in order and that's your thesis, was what she told us. Every week we were actually doing the mock thesis and we didn't notice (or at least I didn't). So by the time the deadline came, we were all passing it with smiling faces. It isn't one of those terms papers where you are told weeks in advance and then you only start doing it a week before the deadline. We went through each process one by one and made no shortcuts. It was amazing. I heard Doctor Oloroso is a fascinating teacher and I wish I got a class that dealt with literature more than the research of it. I wanted to have taken a class with her that was theoretical and more focused on the discussion of literary work rather than something that was strategic and process oriented. She left La Salle after that term. We all have very fond memories of her and we tried to visit her in the Filipinas Heritage Library when we could.

Today I got another job offer, one that is more to my liking. It came in a week late, though and I'm cursing the stars for such rotten luck and timing. I'd actually have been able to sleep more had I just waited another week, damn it! This was the kind of job, or the line of work, that I wanted to get back into. But now, I can't accept it in its entirety. I'm conflicted. I always have rotten timing.

Mistake after mistake. When will I learn my lesson? I'm such a masochist!

posted by wanggo @ 4:09 AM 1 comments

the juggling blues

Wei Wu Wei
There is no mystery whatsoever -- only inability to perceive the obvious.

I'm going around in circles. Juggling time is almost over and then a call. Something else I can do on the side. Juggling again. As one ball is almost done and I'm about to put it down, another is threatening to take its place. I smile and say, "Bring it on."

I texted my Dad telling him that Emmy Lou Harris and Mark Knopfler has an album that they did together. It just came out in the US and when it arrives here, I'm going to get it for him. He texts me to get him that CD and a book Black Swan Green and I agree. He then calls me up and says, "Wanggo, please stop burning both ends of the candle. We're all worried for you here." This takes me by surprise. "It's out of my control, Dad but after Monday, everything will be all right." There is an awkward silence of about 3 seconds. "Okay," was all he could really say. We exchange salutations, "I miss you, I love you," and then he puts down the phone. He probably doesn't believe me. Someone has been telling him about my not coming home and working hours on end. It's probably Datu. It's sweet, really but quite annoying. Dad tells me that this is the year to get rich. Datu asks me every once in a while if I have the rent money already. Well, it's his right, really. He should because if I don't pay my end, he'll have to cover for it first. But I don't have the money. That's why I'm working so hard. I want to be able to have the money when I should be paying the rent and I don't ever want to not have the money again.
I don't know if I'll ever get to see the beach again until later in the year. Already I miss the rhythmic sounds of the waves crashing into the shore, the sand on my feet, the salty breeze and the warm sun on my back. I've been to so many beaches in a span of a month and yet I feel already as if it is not enough.

People get through life with just one job and move on along through many years that way. They only go to the beach once a year. They don't go traveling as often. They are sedentary and are pretty content about it. They don't worry about money. They wish they had more but are not needing it. I'm not built that way. What a scary thought? To not be able to be grounded in any way. Sure, I'd get to see the world and go to the beach more often than most people, but in the end, my cycle of life will be one of worry, of constantly looking for that thing that I cannot keep or hold. I will try now and see how far I go. I like what I'm doing but deep down inside I don't know for how long I will be satisfied. I'll be juggling for a long time, it seems.

(picture taken during Holy Week in Cagbalete, 2006 by Chinkee)

posted by wanggo @ 2:23 AM 1 comments

haven't been home

Bill Cosby
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

I haven't been home since Thursday. I have been staying at Jay's place a lot because he lives 2 blocks near my work. Anyway, he's much happier for it since this is the first time he's lived alone in his whole life and he's much needing the company. Jay's always been surrounded by people who loves him -- family and friends and so the move has been very much difficult for him, I think. It makes things convenient for me, though and that's great for the both of us, in that regard. I went to Blackdog Media to work on a project that has been delayed for a while and we shot and began editing and I ended up sleeping in the office. It was pretty much an all-nighter.

Truth be told, I miss my bed, I miss my room and all my CDs. I miss just lying down and reading a book. I haven't opened The Devil in the White City for a couple of days now and that's sad because it is a very interesting book. I want to finish it to see how the story goes and at the same time, someone has lent me a pretty interesting short story compilation by another writer and it would be nice to finish another book. I miss having my change of clothes nearby and all that stuff.

I don't miss waking up to Dora the Explorer though or Barney at full volume. I can do without that. I don't miss having only particular places in which I can smoke or having forgot to buy goodies or snack food and arriving home to have nothing to munch on. That's something I used to be very good at when I was living alone in Wack-Wack Twin Towers.

In Wack-Wack Twin Towers, I miss most of all the silence and the quiet and the ability to do what I want -- walk around naked after a shower or playing my music as loud as I want or having the option of bringing friends home at whatever time I wanted. Of being able to come home anytime (even if I haven't come home in days) without having to tell people where I am. I'm glad for Datu and Kristi's concern, really, it's a part of what family is about. But I'm 27 years old now and really, it's about respect. But the truth of the matter is, I've taken in a lot of work now and I cannot remember to always text because I'm so tired.

At one point, I've got to continuously re-define my concept of home. It changes from time to time depending on how much has changed and things have changed. Things are different. Things are different for me now, again. And I've got to adjust.

It's not always easy being grown-up.

posted by wanggo @ 8:35 AM 3 comments

a good night, a good day

as texted to me by my Dad
There is no road to happiness. Happiness IS the road.

I'm actually having fun. I've got 3 hours of sleep to add to my measely or 5 hours of sleep I had since Tuesday. That's a total of 8 hours of sleep from Tuesday to Friday. But the moment I stepped into the office, I sat down on the couch and we began brainstorming for a concept of the event and the ideas were flowing smoothly from my mind. Bad or sketchy ideas were quickly shot down, without much fanfare. A quick explanation as to why it doesn't work and then we start on a new idea. It was fast and easy and fun. I love this whole brainstorming stuff. I love this group work activity. I think things are going to be okay. I think I can stop panicking now. Sure, there's a lot of work that's going to be done and needs doing but hey! That's work.

I spent the night at Jay's condo so that I could be nearer to the office so I have more time to sleep because I don't have to wake up so early to account for travel time. I planned to wake up 20 minutes before work and then walk the rest of the way to the office. It's that close by. Unfortunately, that's not what happened. My body demanded for just a little bit more time.

But as I arrived at Jay's place, Rex and Jay were watching A Lot Like Love and I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the movie. We found ourselves in Jay's balcony and talking and talking about love. I want to feel it again. I want to feel love again. I want to be in love again! I then told Rex the whole story about The Spaceman, since Rex never heard the story and how everything seems to mirror the movie. I'm starting to get very anxious. I just want to be in love again.

I even said, I want to be in love again, even if it's unrequited! Just to have that feeling coursing through my body. Rex then said, what about that person loving you too? Don't you want to feel that also?

I replied, One step at a time, Rex, one step at a time. I can't even find someone to be in love with, I'm going to ask for requited love as well! I got to be realistic.

We all laughed at that. I meant it humorously, anyway. But as we said our "good nights" and I hugged the pillow and wrapped myself in the blanket, I thought, I wish I was wrapped up in something else. It's hitting me hard. I can't wait for me to catch up on my sleep. When I do, I'll be able to throw all of myself into work and when that happens, sometimes, briefly, I forget how much I want to lavish someone with love and attention and care. I love working so much it helps me forget everything else. And I need that right now.

posted by wanggo @ 3:37 PM 0 comments

The City

Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I took a trip to Antipolo and on Sumulong highway, I looked out of the jeep and saw the immense city laid prostrate in front of me. It's skyrise and concrete facade is both daunting and attractive. I know what goes on in there. I know what it is like in there. But looking at it from the outside, I'm amazed by how inviting it can appear -- how with its tall edifices and concrete and metal structures, it promises wealth and work and wonder.

But I'm not so easily fooled. It was in 1992 (or was it 1993?), as the plane landed in the runway at Hong Kong, I feebly (I was sick then) looked out the window to see the even more immense towers of Hong Kong. The grid lines of the streets promised order and structure and efficiency. I was taken aback by the appearance of this Asian city. I was told to expect one large commercial, shopping district, for that was what my family and I were set to do that 5 day vacation and it hit me in that manner. Yes, there will be shopping done that week. You could see it in the appearance of the city.

In 1998, my family and I arrived at the airport near Rome and took a speeding coaster that was traveling at over 70 miles per hour. We didn't feel the speed. The roads were flawless. Later, we were greeted by huge freeways and as we reached the city, we were struck by the old exterior structures that were kept, and later, awe-struck at the contemporary and modern appearance of these structures within. As you travel around the city, you see buildings, though not as high as say, Hong Kong (I don't remember much sky scrapers in my Rome trip) but every once in a while, you have the view of a very old and ancient sculpture situated in front of a long avenue. Huge churches with their crosses in display, towering over every citizen and tourist, like a hawk watching over your every move. The grand coliseum that could fit thousands and thousands to watch gladiatorial combat and the immensity of St. Peter's Basilica. Unlike Hong Kong or Manila, this was a city made of stone. It may not sound as impressive as metal, steel and concrete but when you think of its history, how old these stone structures are and what they've seen and been through; the whole idea of the great events that have transpired here, that this is one of the seats of civilization, one we always term as classical, the very thought of it makes me weak in the knees. There is power in Rome.

In Florence, 8 days later after our arrival in Rome, the city was smaller and more artistic than it was powerful. It was more subdued rather than awe-inspiring. It was a gentle respite from the magnitude of the idea of Rome. But my brothers Jubal, Bing and I climbed over 400 steps up to the tower of the Duomo and witnessed, with bated breath, the beauty of Florence's elegance. While I did not feel the same way I did with Manila, there was no promise of work or wealth, I did feel the inviting presence of something wonderful, of something beautiful. It's appeal came more in the form of finding something small and pretty and magnificent. That was Florence's appeal to me.

2 years ago, I arrived in the airport of Shanghai in the evening, unable to see the splendour of the city. But we drove in and, much like Rome, we were impressed by the wide streets, freeways that seem to stretch for miles and were even wider than the roads. The roads were almost 6 to 8 lanes. South Super Highway only manages 3 or 4 at the most, I think. When we arrived at Shanghai itself, it was unbelievable. The sky scrapers literally scratched out the sky. The streets were still huge coming into the city. Gardens, parks were littered all over to give the city breathing spaces between such structures. There is the Bund, the old part of Shanghai that was left untouched as the city began to progress. The parts of the city that did progress and develop and improve were testimonies of the greatness of human perserverance. Tall buildings with amazing lighting structures. The streets were in proper grids, allowing smooth flowing traffic. Yet it still had the quaint charms of a huge district of bargain goods in stalls -- a market of anything and everything. Then there are temples with monks holding prayer sessions and hundreds and hundreds of different kinds of Buddhas. I'd have to find my memorabilia, but we even went to the fortress where royalty stayed when they visited Shanghai. A sprawling walled palace with gardens and beautifully kept and preserved structures of ancient China. I was awed, I was spell-bound. Where did we stay? We stayed in the Hyatt Shanghai, the highest hotel in the world. My room was on the 77th floor. Every morning I awoke to see the expanse of Shanghai before me. The river, the Bund, the city lay vulnerable to my gaze. I was so high up, if I could open the windows to my room, I would actually know what clouds felt and tasted and smelled like. Manila promises a level of wealth and wonder, as every city does, Hong Kong is consumerism, Rome is power and history and magnificence as Florence promises wonder, elegance and beauty. Shanghai promised me progress and development and awe.

I wish I had the pictures to show. Maybe I'll return to each city and take pictures and show you what I mean.

I am a city boy, through and through. As much as I love the beach and find myself at peace and joy in such places -- it is a city where I truly thrive and flourish. This is where I live, this is what I call my home. I am not the idyllic writer, taking pleasure in the surroundings of nature. I'm one of the many inhabitants of the concrete jungle. It's stories amaze me, fascinate me, entrance me. I want to know more. I want to visit them all.

posted by wanggo @ 12:08 AM 1 comments

Juggling Act

from the film A Clockwork Orange (film screenplay by Stanley Kubrik based on the book by Anthony Burgess)
When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.

How does a man with only 2 hours of sleep manage to be at 3 places at the same time, conceptualizing ideas for events, ads and sampling techniques for 3 separate clients while meeting a group of high powered executives and trying to wow them with the script you wrote for an AVP for their company's profile while monitoring a shoot for an AVP that wrote. The answer? He can't. It's not possible. I've yet to hear a man successfully bi-locate, much less tri-locate. If you've heard of such a story, give me a lead, I'll follow it and learn the process. It will be very helpful.

With 2 hours of sleep, I tried to do all that and failed in one miserably, handled one rather well and managed to sail on by one of them without incident. Ran to a meeting with Planetzips and hung out with the coolest bunch of people. In fact, that meeting was the best part of my day. After the meeting, we spun fire for kicks and practice and I hungrily took fire set after fire set and spun it to release tension. It reminded me on how I was to enjoy my life. For a moment, I forgot I was having a bad day. Learned a new move as well and got some burn marks and a blister from doing a chainsaw. Exciting things are brewing for us and it makes me want to quit my job and be a free agent again but reason and logic is back on the driver's seat and I know that isn't exactly feasible. Not right now, anyway.

Went to a birthday party afterwards but with so much take home work to do, I couldn't properly enjoy myself. I was acting manic, crazy, hyper with absolute fear that I wouldn't make it in time. I still have a shoot to go to in about an hour as of this writing. I still haven't slept. I'll be going through this whole day without any sleep and there's still so much demands to be met.

I think a comatose is in order. A deliciously long coma in a warm bed is just what I need. But to do that would mean all the things I'm juggling will end up falling to the floor and that's just another mess I'd have to deal with when I wake up. So I keep throwing things in the air, catching them as they come near my hands and try to find a way to put them back on the table until I'm just watching one thing.

Well, blogging time is over. Got to get back to work. Back to juggling.

(Picture of me fire-zipping in Boracay April 20, 2006 taken by Jay)

posted by wanggo @ 5:54 AM 0 comments

and suddenly, it begins to pour

Tori Amos from Muhammad my Friend (written by Tori Amos)
And Moses I know
I know you've seen fire
But you've never seen fire
Until you've seen Pele blow

It never just rains, it pours. It's never just a meal, it's always a feast. But when there's nothing, it's a drought. If I'm hungry, it's because there is a famine. It never comes one by one. It never comes slowly. It never comes in little bits, in little specks. It always comes as a deluge. It is never easy. It is always in large piles, in large clumps, in large quantities.

I don't want to complain but like I said, I'm tired. And while I got what I wanted, I'm too tired to enjoy it and I've got too much work to get some rest to better enjoy it.

You see, everything came today -- the news that I start work in the new job, at the same time, I also got word that another project on the side has come in as well, one that I needed had the job offer fallen through. Oh yeah, at the same time, I had a fire zipping performance awhile ago and yeah, an old project finally pushed through and they want/need me there during the shoot.

So tomorrow (or later, to be more exact) I have to be in 3 places at the same time. I have to actually split myself into three. Oh yeah, and I have to submit a script in a couple of hours -- hopefully before 2am, at the latest. Oh yeah, I also have an 8am brainstorming for the new job and wait! There's still the shoot for the old project that's come back and don't forget the Planetzips meeting in the evening (but that one I really want to go to and enjoy).

So I finally have work and I've got loads of it and I'm in demand again, all of a sudden and yes, I am very happy and yes, I'm relieved and there is a smile on my face again and yes, things are finally going to get better but please, can it all come one at a time? I wasn't doing anything of all last week. I spent most of my days at Jay's house just hanging around. I was too busy being depressed to go and make something happen, now I don't have to make things happen because everything is happening and there's just so much of me to go around. And don't mistake, I'm happy, I really am. I arrived home today to see my brother Datu and I told him with a huge smiling face how things have turned up and it's a happy complaint, you know? Sure, there are so many demands but at least there are demands now and that it will be compensated.

But for once in my life, it would be nice to get them one at a time. All offers and requirements and demands, please fall in line and you will be dealt with in an orderly and organised manner. You will all be given your due; just please don't crowd.

So for the next few days, I'm expecting to be awake for almost 80% of the whole day and I won't be getting much sleep and I'll be squeezing out anything that's inside of me. It's going to be a very trying and tiring 3 days and I know I will benefit from the gift certificate from The Spa and I will be putting it to good use next week but I have to survive the next 3 days first.

Thank you for all of this, God, universe, Shiva, lords of labour and industry or whoever is there to be thanked. I am and will not be ungrateful. But please forgive me if I just whine and complain just a little. It's who I've become and my really good friend Berna and my brother Jubal would not recognise me if I didn't.

(picture taken by Jay sometime last week. Need some water? How about some order?)

posted by wanggo @ 1:15 AM 3 comments

troubled sleep and a clear morning

The Cardigans from 03.45: No Sleep (written by Peter Svensson and Nina Persson)
The comfort of fireflies
Long gone before daylight

And if I had one wish fulfilled tonight
I'd ask for the sun to never rise
If God lent His voice to me to speak
I'd say "Go to bed world"

I was suppose to have an 11am meeting today but it was moved to 1pm. But I didn't know that until 20 minutes ago. So I knew I had to wake up by 8:30am if I were to make it to the meeting at Manila so I tried to sleep early. I finished all I had to do last night at around 12am and was in the darkness until 3am and I still couldn't sleep. Had too much to think of. Anxiety attacks keeping me from falling asleep. I was thinking of my sad, sorry state regarding the absence of a lover and the fact that my work life is sketchy; my finances are at an all-time low and there's so much I want to do. I just couldn't sleep. I was going mad, surrounded by the darkness with the light from the city creeping in from my open window. I just couldn't relax, couldn't keep still.

I was lucky to find half a mogadon in my room. It might've been my Dad's which he uses to get some sleep or it might have been mine from another time. Whatever the case, I quickly took the damned thing and drank some water and tried to sleep.

I could feel my body relaxing, my mind unraveling until it was nothing but abstract thoughts not making any real sense. I got a text from someone I didn't know. It said still up? I asked who it was, having lost my phone, I lost all my numbers. There was no reply. I asked again and tried to leave it but it was bugging me. I was waking up with the wonder of who it could be. So I called the number to ask and while the person on the other line answered the call, the person said nothing and I was left asking silence who's this? Hello? Who's this please? Then I dropped the call. The person then texted make out? That took me by surprise. Who's this? I texted back and then the person sent his name. I said I didn't know anybody by that name, and requested for some sort of idea -- where did we meet? Have we met? Who gave my number? No reply. So I texted Forget it. I'm not replying to your texts anymore. Then I put my phone away and went to sleep. And I was able to.

I went to sleep and woke up at 9am. I had breakfast then discovered my meeting was moved to 1pm. Now I have all this time available to me. Gonna' write a bit and get myself psyched up for work -- I took in another project while the waiting game continues. Got a zip gig too later in the day.

Then during breakfast, I get a text saying the dream job is ready. If I could start today, it would be great. So I said I took a job, I didn't think I got the job, could I just finish the work? I can start on Friday. They said they were sorry for the late reply but could I start anytime earlier? I said I'll work something out.

And so now, I know what is happening. I have a clear definition of what the horizon looks like. I start tomorrow without the haze; without the unknown. I start today.

posted by wanggo @ 9:29 AM 0 comments

wanting to be held

Sophie B. Hawkins from Help Me Breathe (written by Sophie B. Hawkins)
It only takes a fateful moment
To become the one you thank

I had a dream a couple of nights ago (or was it just last night) and it was definitely about my being single right now. It was quite vivid and quite jarring, especially when I woke up. I don't want this to be a problem. It's so shallow when there's so much else to think about right now, but it's hitting me really hard up the nose that it's like I'm bleeding and it won't stop. Lately, my fantasies have moved away from my career and has been centered squarely on relationships. I'm just so lonely now. And I hate it because there is no reason to be. I'm surrounded by friends who love me and whom I love and family who feel the same way. But there is an absence of something that makes me very anxious. I am filled with so much feelings of... I don't know... disappointment and anxiety and hostility and impatience and... And I don't really want to go on and on and on about it with my friends since they've heard it all before. And in a conversation with The Spaceman over coffee about 2 or 3 weeks ago, we ended up talking what it is we are really after in a relationship. The Spaceman wondered why I needed some level of emotional or intellectual intimacy with someone when, I'm completely and utterly open to my friends and family. I hold no secret of myself -- everything about me is out in the open for everyone to read or to hear.

So is it just sex? the Spaceman asked. Maybe. But sex is just too easy. I could get sex if I wanted. I know where to look. The problem lies deeper than that. Apparently, based on how I am feeling now, there is more than just unloading all your feelings and your mind to someone. I'm chatting right now with my friend, Daniel, from Denmark and he kept asking me what's wrong and I ended up saying, I just want someone to hold or someone to hold me and know that everything is going to be okay. It's really that simple, I guess.

It's getting in the way of everything. I think of all the friends I've got and the family who love me and think of how it would be great if we could all just hang out together and for a while, I'll be okay. But truth is, there are quiet moments when I'm thinking, how great it would be to be in this moment with my friends with a lover right beside me, arm on my shoulder, or leaning into me. Yeah. It comes to my mind sometimes. And I really hate it.

How did I get here? How did I get here when I was on such solid ground? I got to get back to myself. Because I'm losing it. I am so losing it.

(picture taken in January, 2006 by Eyron in Greenbelt. Berna, Fay and I pretending to be in some love triangle)

posted by wanggo @ 8:16 PM 0 comments