Indulgence

i hate getting sick

Steve Weinberg
With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things that takes religion.

Disclaimer: this entry is really gross and disgusting

Went to Rockwell to visit Tals while submitting my entry to the Neil Gaiman fiction writing contest and I was feeling awful and queasy already. I met Tals' friend Nikki and we had a cigarette and then parted ways -- Tals had to go back to work and so did Nikki and I had to go to a meeting. I still had an hour and a half and good thing because my stomach was turning revolutions. I ran to the bathroom and had to relieve myself and it was the most disgusting thing in the world. I was stuck in that bathroom for longer than an hour! When I couldn't crap anymore, I stood up and got some antacid in Mercury drug and took it and then I began to feel really faint. With a lot of time left, I went to my brother in Makati where he was holding office and decided to rest. I was writhing in pain, my stomach feeling like it was ready to burst. I just wanted to die. I really felt so bad that I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to die.

I ended up puking into a plastic bag. My body had already felt queasy all day, so I didn't eat lunch or breakfast and so all I was puking out was water and bile. It was really gross. I started to feel a little better when I got another attack. I was going to be late for my meeting so I started walking towards the office when I couldn't walk anymore. So I got on a cab and told him to bring me to the emergency room of Makati Med. I was there, writhing in pain when the doctor checked up on me and had them put an IV.

The IV had always looked uncomfortable but it was going to be my first time with an IV and it was so uncomfortable, I didn't realise. My God! I'm the kind of person who needs to move around a lot and not being able to move your right arm was very annoying. Later on, the pain wouldn't subside so the doctor had to put a pain-killer in my IV. It was called Tromadon and boy did it feel good! Slowly, my whole body started getting numb and there was this fuzzy feeling in my head; it felt so good! Ha Ha Ha I've been clean for so long, that the entry of that kind of drug was just unbelievable since I was so unprepared for it. It's been quite a long time for me to have that kind of feeling again. I went straight to sleep with a huge smile on my face.

The Doctor told me I had a severe case of diarrhea which caused the puking and the weakness which was a result of dehydration. I am also suffering from gastroenteritis (sp?) and it was probably caused by the oysters I had the night before. I asked if I could be discharged and he asked me if I felt that I could manage. I told him I could. I wanted to be home. So he gave me my prescriptions and a print out of his diagnosis and instructions. On it were a list of stuff I could ingest and what I couldn't ingest. No fatty food, no oily food, no sugar and no dairy -- which practically constitutes everything we eat here in the house. I am suppose to drink just water and eat crackers (for the salt) and apples or bananas (for the potasium). So that means I'm going to lose so much weight again because of that.

You know what the weird thing is? I pretty much haven't eaten anything except 1 apple and a couple of crackes since last night and I'm not hungry. It's so weird. I have to take these medicines and put hydrite tablets into my water everytime I defecate and if the stool is watery. I was hoping for some pain-killers but he didn't prescribe me any. I'm suppose to get a lot of rest because dehydration can do monstrous things to your body and my case was pretty bad. The puking was a really bad sign of that and it's really dangerous because you can't really afford to lose any more liquid in your body.

I have to stop smoking for a bit because smoking makes me digest faster and puts gas in my stomach and I can't really afford to feel queasy anymore. I just can't and then there's the medication which costs, by the way. And the fact that I can't eat much and there's this fantastic moist chocolate cake in the fridge which I can't attack. It's from Cakes to Go and they make really good cakes. And I just bought all these groceries -- eggs, yakult, bread, cheeses and stuff for the house the day before I got my attack. Everyone in the house was like, "Oh wow! Okay, thanks! No worries, we'll finish it!"

I really hate getting sick.

posted by wanggo @ 10:24 AM 1 comments

an apology to self

Jem from Just a Ride (written by Jem Griffiths and Mike Caren)
We breakdown, yeah, we breakdown
Don't you break down, just listen to me

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up, sometime's your down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared now and dry your eyes
And don't forget enjoy the ride

Haven't slept yet. Have no plans of sleeping in the morning again and then waking up in the late afternoon. There's no point in wasting the day and being awake at night alone at home, writing or reading mails and blogs. Got my cup of coffee in my system and a will to stay awake until 8:30pm hits and then I'm off to bed. I'm going to call this an early night, if I can.

Been spending too much time crying over spilt milk (and with reference to my previous entry, crying is used metaphorically) and it's time to start doing something again. Not only have I lost someone and unable to grieve about it, I've lost 2 projects (the film projects), had 2 more put on hold and a play that's coming slowly. Thankfully, one project is still pushing through this week and that will open up opportunities for the next 2 or 3 weeks and a paycheck that was delayed but already earned.

I've been spending my time working on projects more personal to me, and ones that never promised monetary return. Some of the projects I was supposed to get into was supposed to be both fulfilling and financially rewarding; well, if not rewarding, at least I would be financially compensated enough to continue on with this kind of life. Apparently, they all got... uhm... complicated?

And with all the promise of good tidings from every corner, I did my best to make these predictions accurate and true. I worked my butt off! And just like the best laid plans of mice and men, one was chewed on by mice and the other was destroyed by men.

But this is not the time for griping, even though I do it so well. Time to get my sad, sorry ass out of the pit I dug up for myself and just continue to prod on. I'm beginning to sound like my self, 3 or 4 months back. I won't let that happen. I'll fail when there is no more strength in me to continue on. While I can still move my arms and legs, think and write, there is no time to sit down and mope.

posted by wanggo @ 10:28 AM 0 comments

I can't seem to cry

Maria Taylor from Leap Year (written by Maria Taylor)
In a hurry
When there's so much time

I will wait for you, growing love but like water,
Time will always slip through
I will wait for you but please come soon

Someone very dear to me just passed away yesterday. Everyone is a little bit broken, awed and inspired by one's love and devotion for over 20 years. How can one repay the sacrifice and the love? She is practically my second mother. She had no children of her own. Her children was us, all of us of my brothers and sister.

How does one repay such kindness? Such love? I think of the stories they tell me of how her last few days were like. We are all glad that she went fairly quickly. Not too much pain, I think. I shudder to think, I shudder to ask any more, comforted by the idea that it didn't drag on as long as it might've. I just can't believe she's gone. My brother asked if I was okay. I said it hasn't hit me yet. He replied saying it had hit him but there's was still so much to do, he'd just break down later on when all the preparations were done. I told him that the only things we really leave behind are children and art. She practically raised us along with our parents and she did well by us. I believe we're good people. We're pretty much self-reliant and quick to love. There is a big part of her in us and we will take this down to the next generation. We will pass this on. And she is alive and well and filled with laughter in our thoughts. I didn't know what else to tell him but that's what comforted me. She left behind more than a lot of other people -- a life well-lived, I'm hoping. If we are all that she could've showed for it, then she needn't worry. She raised us well.

I came home, knowing the news before hand and saw everyone in tears. Mine has yet to fall. I want to. I want to grieve. I want to feel the sorrow but I don't. And it isn't because I know she lived a good life. I don't know why I can't feel the loss -- maybe I don't believe it. I just can't seem to cry.

posted by wanggo @ 5:36 AM 0 comments

screw you, useless hackers!

texted to me by my Dad
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.

Someone sent me a message on yahoo saying to check out this website and when I checked it out, the website was Yahoo Photos in Portugese. Thinking my friend wanted to show me some photos, I logged in and then it was just another yahoo photo site so I stopped. A few minutes later, people from my Yahoo Messenger started messaging me asking me what the link was and why it got them to an empty link. I was puzzled because I never sent them any messages. That was really strange!

Stupid me, I fell for some weird virus thingie. A friend said it was a way for some people to get my yahoo password. So now I have to go and change my password. It's okay, I guess, because I change my password every 2 or 3 months. But I wasn't ready to think up of a password right now, you know?

Very sorry to everyone who got the message from me and might've done the same thing I did.

I hate all these stupid hackers and computer geniuses who have nothing better to do than screw up other people's lives. Got nothing better to do? Get a job or something, you useless fuckers, instead of using your genius to take things that don't belong to you. Earn your place in this world or just choke on your own vommit. I don't care if you have the potential to save the world or make it a better place, if you can't do anything worth while or make yourself useful to society, you're no better to me than a mosquito or a parasite and you don't deserve to breathe the same air we all do.

You're nothing.

posted by wanggo @ 3:47 PM 4 comments

bad news

Beth Orton from Pieces of Sky (written by Beth Orton and Jimmy O'Rourke)
The sea holds me tears and carries me
Where my heart is too heavy for one

When it's over, it's over
I best get busy living
Been a long time gone

I just got off the phone with my brother giving me some bad news. Someone very dear to me is in a very bad way and it might even be cancer, it might be terminal. Right now, we are suppose to wait for the full diagnostic report, but even without it, it's already very serious. I feel so bad and so helpless. Worse of all, I feel like I can feel more and I don't and I'm scared. Am I so detached? So far away from the person that I was that if it doesn't directly affect me, I'm okay?

Or maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet? I did cry a bit but not the flood I was expecting to pour out with news as bad as it was -- and from someone I love very much and who loves me very much.

My first time to have to deal with someone I love's death was my Tito Mike in Bacolod. But the news happened all so fast and just like that, it was over. It was definite. This news is tearing me up inside because it isn't definite yet -- just that it is serious and that there is pain. If it isn't cancer, then it might not be terminal and she may go on for a while, but not in the same way. It's really bad and I can't do much about it.

I feel bad. I am just at a loss for words. I wish I could cry more. I wish I could just sob it all out. But I can't. I just can't. The tears ain't coming down.

posted by wanggo @ 9:36 PM 1 comments

Happy with Comfort of Strangers

from Gosford Park (written by Julian Fellowes)
I believe in love. Not just getting it, but giving it. I think if you're able to love someone, even if they don't know it, even if they can't love you back, then it's worth it.

I spent most of the day in the studio watching my Dad put in sound and music into the short film we did together. I was watching and learning how when to put too much or when to put too little and how sound can manipulate your mind into making the world more real. The added sound effects creates a very 3-dimensional world, creates a space outside the visual you see on screen. The world of the movie doesn't end at the frame but continues on with the proper usage of sound. I also saw how music allows us to tell the story on an emotional level. It makes things unseen, like emotions, more accessible to the audience. I learned that today. I'm so amazed at the whole process.
I'm really happy today. Other than seeing my short film get completed, piece by piece, I went to Music One today since I was in Greenbelt earlier than I had to be for a meeting and found that they were carrying Beth Orton's Comfort of Strangers and I'm just so in love with the song Conceived and I'm listening to it right now on repeat. I'm surprised that EMI would be willing to release Beth Orton here and Sony BMG isn't that keen on releasing Fiona Apple and Capitol Records is not open to releasing Liz Phair. Oh well! But I'm happy. It's really great music and I'm just in total musical bliss as well.
At the same time, I went to Greenbelt because I had a creative meeting with people of like minds who, during the time we were meeting was able to sustain my passion for the proposed project through-and-through. We were there throwing around ideas and really making the necessary moves to get the project done. I won't talk about it openly here but it's something I'll be very proud of if we can get it done. All that energy was not wasted and great ideas were presented and decisions were made and a time-table is set and I'm just excited. Another writing, creative pursuit I believe in and it's with people who are just as hungry to get something their proud of done and done well. It's a chance to make a difference and we all want it. To want to institute change, one needs to have confidence, a certain belief in what they can do and what they can contribute. To embark on a creative activity, one must be filled with the passion of life, a passion to express one's view of it so openly that it can be interpreted in so many ways and yet they all hold truth.

I feel that and I'm so happy to be able to. I'm energized. It couldn't have been a better day.

posted by wanggo @ 2:07 AM 1 comments

a walk in the night

texted to me by my Dad
Love has more to do with letting go than with holding on.

Got so stir-crazy yesterday I took a shower at around midnight and then took a walk to Citibank to pay my credit card bill. It was a good 20 or 30-minute walk. It was a great, long distance and I was just breathing in the night air and enjoying the very brief, occasional noise of a passing car. Afterwards, I got some ice tea and donuts from Mister Donut in Greenhills and then walked to a convenience store to get stuff for the house. I just needed to stretch my legs, see some activity and the presence of other existing life outside of my home.

I was hoping to go out to a mall or something today but I went to sleep at 10:30am after watching Hackers and then Harry Potter 4: The Goblet of Fire. I also began writing fiction again which is always a good thing. It's a pretty good start and I'm excited of what I'll end up with. Tomorrow, I've got actual work coming up so that's a good thing, that's going to get me off my ass and see the world again.

I'm enjoying my freedom a little too much. Work hasn't suffered yet, I'm still writing a lot and will be meeting up with people soon but I really can't wait to see the production of all this writing. It's one thing to be home and finishing all the stuff you need written, see it end and then sending it by e-mail and actually seeing the real finished product -- be it a film, a jingle, a play or a brochure.

I think I need that kind of wake up call. Well, right now, I don't know what I need because I don't need much. I'm quite happy.

posted by wanggo @ 10:13 PM 0 comments

disconnected

Nelly Furtado from The Grass Is Green (written by Nelly Furtado and Mike Elizondo)
Oh yeah the grass is green but it's not what it seems cuz when you think
You want it you just need it

I've been feeling a little disconnected lately. Well, it might have something to do with not having left the house since Sunday but I really needed some downtime. Everything has just been a rush of activity that past 2 years -- always having to be somewhere else at some particular time. The past 3 days have been great since I didn't have to be anywhere at any particular time and that kind of gives me some breathing space.

I've been watching movies, reading and doing some writing -- creative writing. I feel like I'm getting back to a sense of self that hasn't been denied but made to be just something to return when all of it was over. It was never going to be over unless I stopped it. An opportunity arose and I grabbed it and now that sense of self is returning. I'm returning to the me I wanted to be and that's a good thing. I won't deny that.

And since I quit from NMI, I spent 3 days of just meeting up with friends. That was great too, to have the time to be available for them and to spend time with them. And my family too. I've been here for my brother. That's wonderful, to me.

But now, been stuck in the house for 3 days, well not really stuck, but there has been no real impetus to step out, I'm kind of getting antsy. It's my quality of not being able to just sit still. I have to be constantly moving. I can't stay in one place for too long, it drives me nuts! I have to constantly be going from one place to the next. The experiences here have been bereft of any new experience. I need to put on some shoes and long pants and just go out; not out-out as in a bar or a club or anything like that, but just to have some fresh air and see people en masse. I caught myself working while I'm on-line in hopes of catching someone to chat with; maybe an old internet friend or something or someone from college or whatnot. I just need to blab and talk and whatever.

On the upside, I watched Gosford Park again last night and just marvelled at the superb acting, the fantastic script and the precision of Robert Altman's expert hand at directing. Inspiring, really.

posted by wanggo @ 5:52 PM 0 comments

random musings 02.20.06

Li Po
We have never grown tired of each other, the mountains and I.
Wallace and Grommit, The Curse of the Were-Rabbit is one of the funniest cartoons I've ever seen. I watched it last night with my Dad and I was laughing so loud that I accidentally woke up my 1 year old niece from her pleasant slumber. Datu, my brother and the father of the beautiful little child, had to step out and warned me that I was laughing too loud. Funny, to think, that in the past few weeks, we've been watching movies left and right. I've seen action films and comedies and everything in-between, even scary films but in the past few weeks, it was watching that hilarious cartoon that made me laugh so hard that actually woke up the beautiful baby in our home. Hayao Miyazaki already won an Oscar for Spirited Away and while I've never seen Howl's Moving Castle and I know it's probably good; there is no possible way that Wallace and Grommit, the Curse of the Were-Rabbit can lose. It's just so damned funny, charming and, surprisingly, touching. The animation was superb and there was so much character. From a clay-mation dog, of all things, I've seen better acting than many human actors. It's amazing! It deserves an award.

It bothers me, sometimes, to know that I go around and have this great appreciation for things and that I can find only a certain number of people who enjoy these things as much as I do. For one thing, a lot of people really, truly found Brokeback Mountain a gorgeous film. I thought it was over-rated. Sure, Jake and Heath were fantastic. It was great acting and they pushed themselves further than anyone could have ever hoped or asked. Even Michelle William's performance was given much praise by the press and rightly so. The cinematography was gorgeous. But the movie was too long -- it becomes dragging right after the two leave the mountain. The short story is better. The short story got it right. Brief, intense, powerful and immediate. The movie drew out the story to the point where it's impact, in my opinion, was less evident as time moved on. I didn't and don't really care about Ennis' daughter or how she grew up (though I will admit that actress was lovely and she did a fantastic performance) but the story requires immediacy to make that sort of impact and dragging it did nothing for the film and instead made it crumble apart at the end when the beginning was so powerful. It was almost as if Ang Lee did not trust the material to carry out the message.

And as much as I hated The Cave, I thoroughly enjoyed The Descent. There really is something about the British who can handle a good story and good story-telling. The Cave was badly directed and had no real logic to it's reality, The Descent worked on so many levels and worked in all of them. The Descent was frightening in 3 ways -- the psychological, the immediate reality of their situation and the possibility of something more, something horrific. It was unexpected and was well done and I was genuinely frightened, and more importantly, I really cared for the characters, which makes the experience more frightening.

I also watched Aeon Flux with Berna last week and enjoyed myself. I was very disappointed with the direction because I didn't see much of the action -- it wasn't well covered and so at one point, I don't know exactly how Charlize Theron brought down her foe or, due her fight with Sethandra couldn't tell who was getting hit, who was winning and who was losing. Note to directors: when doing fight scenes, have an equal measure of tight shots, medium shots and long shots that way we can see what's going on, feel the action and have a clear image of the movements. I can't enjoy an action film if I can't see the action! But nevertheless, the movie was enjoyable and it's very hard for Charlize Theron to do wrong for me. She's a good actress and she certainly looks fabulous in skin tight clothing. And the movie made me understand the cartoon more now. I feel that they could've made the world of Aeon Flux more strange, more surreal like the cartoon but maybe they didn't want to alienate unfamiliar audiences. Cheesy dialogue too, but otherwise, I had fun.

At one point, I realised that as much as I enjoy watching films, I learn so much about my own craft and there's always something new that I can pick up. The more art I take in, the better I become. I become more aware about character development, pacing, exposition of theme and plot, how to obscure and how to create more engaging metaphors and symbols for my story. This isn't just leisure for me, it's research, it's studying. How cool is that?

posted by wanggo @ 4:02 PM 3 comments

you're suppose to enjoy the weekends

from The American President (written by Aaron Sorkin)
Oh, you only fight the fights you can win? You fight the fights that need fighting!

It really couldn't have been better. Bought flowers in the afternoon while doing some errands to put in the house. I think flowers help put some colour and magick into a room and it's nice to see it everyday. Of course, I made a mistake while cutting the stems to fit the beautiful antique vase that I have and one of the mums is almost at the mouth edge and it looks rather funny while the other mums stand high up and much more the Malaysian mums that hang above it. Worse off, they didn't have any more Baby's Breath so it's sort of lacking some volume and I was suppose to take a picture but I decided I'll save that for the next set when I get it right.

I then went to Makati to my cousin's place where we were having a Southern American themed dinner -- really good potatoes with a sort of cream mustard, barbequed pork, beef and fried chicken. We had this salad with ranch dressing, biscuits and corn on the cob. It was so delicious. I had begun drinking rum cokes while we talked and caught up since the last we saw of each other was back in December and that's way too long for family. There's nothing more important than family, for me, these days.

(Taken during Aio's wedding in November 2005; that's family and loved ones -- Yciar, Pia, Eric, Aio, Paolo, Jubal, Inigo, Karla and myself. The alcohol was flowing, the laughter easy, the mood filled with much love and happiness.)

We left at around 10, signs of our old age and while I was still reeling from the alcohol, continued on to another part of Makati to my friend Djong's birthday where I had more alcohol, seeing old friends and found myself fire dancing again. Completely and utterly drunk, I was surprised that it didn't take much to get me to go in the middle amongst old friends I haven't seen in a long time and people I didn't know and just begin spinning the damned thing. I feel bad because I wasn't properly dressed for the thing but I did okay.

It's something to go to a place where you know you don't know that many people and the other people you know, you have very fond relations with but the truth of the matter is, you're not that close. Djong's friends are from The LaSallian, the English newspaper of DLSU but though I know Pats, Pi and Zane quite well and I've worked with Paolo Ferrer in NMI; the rest I knew, but we were never really close. But they are all great and friendly people and I got to re-acquaint myelf with Ben and met Ayeen and we talked about a very interesting project and I can't wait to throw myself into it. It's something I believe in.

Afterwards, I picked up Jaypee, Maik, Anne, Charles and a common friend of theirs whom I just met Nathan and we went dancing. It was wonderful! I haven't danced in such a long time and, simply said, had more drinks. I was drinking from 6pm to 6am. I've never drunk so much in the city in, like, ever. It was amazing, dancing and it was wonderful.

(picture taken in March of 2005 during my birthday celebration with Maik, Berna, Anne and I playing around with Charles. I think the picture was taken by Gerard. This was in Greenbelt, I think it was in Italianni's.)

Oh yeah, I did something I've only done once in my life and though I almost got what I wanted, it led to disastrous results. Unfortunately, the person I had laid my eyes on did not come alone and while it would have been okay for both parties to take me home and as sexually liberated as I consider myself to be; I don't join couples in their wild exploits. That is just too weird, even for me. Well, not really but right now, it isn't what I'm looking for. And I was drunk enough as it is. There was no point in making it worse for myself. Thank God that no matter how bleeding drunk I am, I still have my wits about me. I don't lose myself completely. I have the self-control to know that if I get royally fucked up, drunk or otherwise and that I find myself at the point where I can't control myself, I go home where no damage can be done. Thank God for that sort of control. I have yet to do anything that I can't laugh about in the throes of not being sober.

But nevertheless, I had great fun and I'm very, very happy about my Saturday. Yes, very very happy.

posted by wanggo @ 7:50 PM 1 comments

What is owed

Billy Joel
I have a theory that the only original things we ever do are mistakes.

Back in the early nineties, my Dad scored a big hit with Batang X, a movie about 5 children born with extraordinary powers who were made into a fighting force by the stranded alien Axis. These children then were taken in by the eccentric scientist Kwago (or was it Quago?) who taught them to use their powers for the good of mankind. Sounds corny, huh? It's the usual tale of super-heroes and it's always a matter of the telling and the presentation and it was done well considering everything -- budget, Filipino tastes and aesthetics and whatever else was in the air during the early nineties and it all worked out to the joy of the Filipno movie-goers because it was a hit.

Well, Mother Lily owned Regal Entertainment who produced the film insisted that the idea for Batang X was hers. That's a flat out lie. My Dad conceptualised the whole thing. Proof? He gave all his rough sketches and the first idea to Viva before he showed it to Mother Lily. She was the second person they approached when Viva declined to produce it.

So they went to court. My Dad won and Mother Lily made an appeal. The year is now 2006 and finally the courts have awarded everything to my Dad. The courts have ruled in favour of my Father. Back when they won in 2000 (or was it 2001?), they said Mother Lily had to pay the amount of over a million pesos for stealing the intellectual property of my Father. That's when she made her appeal. Now, the courts still ruled in favour of my Father but decreased the sentence to 650,000 pesos. Why? I don't know. But that was the ruling of the courts and my Father agreed to it.

Mother Lily called my Dad and asked if she could only pay 300,000. My Dad argued that she was in the wrong, the courts ruled the price and if she could kindly pay what was owed. She made a hiss-fit and then demanded that the price was too high and now refuses to pay a single cent. How a person can decide not to pay something is beyond me! What right does anybody have to refuse the order or ruling of the court (no matter how questionable our courts are)? In her defense, she did offer my Dad a 6-picture contract in return. Right (dripping with sarcasm). A 6-picture contract still involves my Father having to work, and not that he's above working, he'd love it but (1) when did Mother Lily ever finish a 6-picture contract, (2) they are in talks about putting a movie together and despite having sent a story-line, after 3 weeks, we have yet to hear anything about the project. How can she offer a 6-picture project if she can't even get one started and (3) what is that 6-picture contract, anyway? The point is that the courts ruled that what she did was criminal, stealing the intellectual property of someone else, and she has to pay, and she thinks she can get away with it by having my Dad direct and put together 6 pictures for her? That totally takes away the idea of justice. She owes my Dad that money and it's the principal of justice that needs to be addressed; it's not about the money, it's about not letting people think that they can get away with anything. A 6-picture contract destroys the idea of justice, because, by the nature of it, Mother Lily still gets something in return and the money my Dad makes from those films were worked for and so, in return, she didn't pay him anything. She gets away with stealing.

Justice is not something you can bend or twist. I believe it's an absolute. When you decide to give mercy or choose to be ruthless, that is your interpretation of what's good and what's right. But the truth is, justice is an exact thing and right now, that's what I want for my Father. Justice. Right now, that is what I want for this world. Justice. People keep thinking they are above the law and will use whatever excuse they can think of to get away from the responsibility of their actions, the consequences of their movements. I'm poor or the price is too high or he/she drove me to it, kasi eh or I didn't know. You can say whatever it is you want, but the truth of the matter is, you did wrong. You have to pay what is owed.

posted by wanggo @ 8:52 AM 6 comments

random musings 02.17.06

Orson Welles
I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist always has to be out of step with his time.

Two consecutive days, I went and took some time out to check music stores to see what they have to offer. Just as I was about to curse Music One for not having anything new that someone with my musical tastes could sink my teeth into, I found a copy of Tanita Tikaram's The Cappuccino Songs sitting all alone on the little rack, all on its own. I quickly snatched it up. I actually ordered this CD from Tower but it had yet to come so I felt really, really happy about it. I've got 2 Tanita Tikaram CDs now and I'm just waiting for a chance to snag the latest one and then I'll be happy. Based on reviews and stuff, I got the ones that I wanted.

I found myself on O Music and Video in Rockwell and was even more shocked and surprised with the limited choices they had but was pretty happy to have found the last copy of 1 Giant Leap and it was being sold only for 350 bucks! Happy I was to find it.

But strangely enough, it's been 2 months that I've been hunting at record bars everywhere and to my utter surprise find nothing that interests me. Fiona Apple came out with a superb new album late last year and it's still not available here. It was Entertainment Weekly's Best Album of 2005 and is one of Rolling Stones Magazine's Top 10 Albums of 2005. It's not available here! Liz Phair's new album isn't out yet either and neither has Lisa Marie Presley's sophomore release been released. I see no sign of Charlotte Martin's On Your Shore and Tori Amos' live release Welcome to Sunny Florida or something like that. I read in an issue of Press Magazine (when it was still active) a review of Stina Nordenstad's latest release and if it was in Press Magazine, that means Tower and Music One should have it but it's not there. Goldfrapp's 3rd album is no where to be found!

At the same time, Music One put on the stickers of their CDs the inclusion of the 12% E-VAT price which has put regular music to 550 pesos which means that CDs are going to cost so much more! It's going to cost me so much now just to keep up with my collection. I feel so bad! It's a sad day for the music industry. This E-VAT better fix things otherwise, geez, there goes all our luxuries -- art is the one that's going to suffer most in this type of situation.

On a happier note, I went to Rockwell to visit Tals and say "hi" since I haven't seen her since I spent a wonderful New Year's vacation with her and Paulino in Boracay. It was great to see her and it's so wonderful how easy we just get to talking. I'm glad I met her and I'm going to ensure to really build a friendship with her. I think we have a lot of similarities in character and it's great to find someone like that. It's really comforting, that I go through life everyday and once in a while I still manage to find people that I really genuinely like and that I connect with quickly. You really got to keep your eyes and mind open. You got to let people in because if you don't, you'll never find the people you'd want to keep. The one's whose life you'll touch and whose lives will touch you.

(picture of Tals and me in Boracay, January 2, 2006 at Real Coffee [fantastic breakfast place!] taken by Paulino)

posted by wanggo @ 2:21 AM 1 comments

underground

E. M. Forester
Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon.

I was reading my older entries last night. I read through my Palawan adventure and realised I never really got to the part of the underground river. Of course, at the time, I had so many symbolisms that I thought up of for the moment but it's all lost to me now. But I still want to talk about it.

So we went to Sabang beach, where there were monitor lizards walking around like stray dogs. They were about 3 or 4 feet long and they just walked around, unafraid of people. There were monkeys too, but I don't like monkeys.

We walked through a forest that was pretty much untouched except for a simple little wooden path that they made towards the underground river. There was a little jetty with a beautiful lagoon where we waited for the boat to come back. It had brought a group of Japanese tourists into the cave and we have to wait our turn. We watched the peaceful lagoon and waited.

When it was our turn, we got on the boat and the boatman rowed us in.

First off, we discovered that the creatures that flew in and above our heads were not bats but swallows. Apparently, the bats were asleep and in the day time, it is the swallows that come in and out of the cave. At night, the bats do the flying and the swallows sleep. The water was supposed to be 30 to 40 feet deep and got deeper in other parts and the whole river length would be around 8 or 9 miles (though we could only reach 3.5 or 4.5 by boat; to go deeper, you'd have to get down from the boat and swim). It was completely dark except for the lights on the boat -- it would be pitch black should the light break.

The boatman showed us the different stalagmites and stalactites and how they would make such interesting shapes. He brought us to many chambers within the cave -- one was called the Cathedral because it had a huge ceiling (about 40 feet high) and there was an island where a big stalactite (or was it a stalagmite?) was in the shape of a pulpit with another rock formation in front of it, looking like a priest with his back turned. It was inspiring to be in such a huge place that was completely and utterly naturally formed.

There was a moment I realised that if the boat had turned over and we fell into the water, that was probably it. I'd never have been able to get out.

There was special sense of reverence on my part, having come into this natural formation over 80 years old, it could have even been older. I don't remember all the exact details anymore. But I was just in absolute awe and wonder at the beauty of the place. It is something I can never, ever forget. It was a purely wonderful magickal moment in my life.

(all pictures of Palawan taken in June of 2005 by Rica or Berna. Pic of Berna, me and Pabsy before we got on the boat to explore the underwater cave.)

posted by wanggo @ 4:51 PM 0 comments

something of a Valentine entry and then not really...

Nikos Kazantzakis
What a strange machine man is! You fill him with bread, wine, fish and radishes and out comes sighs, laughter and dreams.

I spent Valentine's working, pretty much. I also spent a few hours having dinner with Jaypee and talking about Valentine's for about 20 minutes and then proceeded to talk about more important things like seeing the rest of the country, having an adventure, good films and the versatility of actors and actresses and how our industry doesn't really give much opportunity to stretch their range and we also talked about less important stuff like Pinoy Big Brother (blah!) and the music of that guy who played Warren Peace in Sky High and my obsession for Beth Orton's music.

20 minutes and that's adding it all up because we could only really talk about it for a few minutes before we changed the subject. We didn't stay on the topic long, not for being bitter or anything, but really, there's nothing much to say that hasn't already been said. I guess, right now, it's something we don't need.

Yeah, it's your usual blah about Valentine's. In the back of my head, I've got more pressing concerns which is my last day in the office. Officially, today is my last day in the office but I'll be coming back to finish one more segment of Chicksmart which I started and which I want to finish and then afterwards, what? I don't know. My brother asked me what I plan to do on Thursday, the first day of my return to being a freelancer. I said, I'm going to sleep and wake up when I wake up. I want to be able to wake up and look at my phone and realise that I don't have to be anywhere, rather than waking up and realising I'm 30 minutes late. I want to wake up without guilt. And when I wake up, I want to take my time having breakfast (or most probably lunch) then taking a leisurely cigarette with my coffee (rather than huffing-and-puffing away at the cancer stick in hopes I can make it to the office in 30 minutes). Then I want to walk over to the computer at home and begin writing. Maybe pop in a DVD and get some inspiration from other more experienced writers and film-makers. Maybe I'll read a chapter off of my book. Take my time to process the energy within before just throwing myself at the keyboard writing away and then editing most of it after to start all over again.

One more day and then it's a sort of freedom; a sort of liberty to do what you please on your own time. Something I never really got to enjoy before and something I'm yearning for now. I swear, I'm going to hurt myself if I don't finish something on Thursday. Despite the fact that I'm no longer bounded to a bundy clock; I refuse to submit tot he rigors of inertia. I will be my own greater force to ensure that I will continue moving forward. I refuse to be an object at rest.

(picture taken on December 22, 2005 by Berna. We were at Kalye Juan, right after the NMI Christmas party)

posted by wanggo @ 12:20 AM 0 comments

Chicksmart and Beth Orton

Beth Orton from Conceived
Some of the time my future comes right around to haunt me
Some of the time my future comes round just to see
That all is as it (should/could) be like it's there to remind me
That we got to (wait and see/let it be)

I've just finished writing the last script of Chicksmart that I'll be doing. After this, no more Chicksmart episodes for me to write. It will be passed off to a different segment producer. I've written over 10 episodes of Chicksmart. I've directed Cathy and Mica into trying to pass on some words of wisdom to all the girls who are watching. It's funny how it's the last one I'm doing. I may be happy that I'm off to do film and that I really want to take a break from television writing. But I had to figure out how to write it at first and then Bam taught me how to direct it. It's great, you know, to have something there that's yours, sort of. That and Stuff, Look and Ligaw, the dating segment I did for TXTube.

I'm going to miss it, I'm sure. It isn't even over yet since I've got 2 more segments to produce and yet I'm already looking back at it and missing it. Missing hearing Binky's comments and suggestions over the script, missing talking to Cathy and Rica during the shoot. *Sigh*

(picture taken at the last Chicksmart shoot, sometime in January; Bel, Binky, Dex, Cathy, me, Pabsy, Howie, Rica and Will)

I'm really so digging Beth Orton's new single Conceived. Right now, it's currently my favourite song and I keep playing it over and over again on Yahoo Launch because it's really just a fun, trippy song. I love her tremolo voice that can express so much emotion and her light, easy melodies that stick in your head. I have her album Daybreaker and The Other Side of Daybreaker and I was lucky enough to find the single She Cries Your Name. Even her vocal contributions with The Chemical Brothers have opened my eyes (or ears) to her abilities as a singer. I can safely say that she's a fantastic artist. And now Conceived is stuck in my head and I think it's a beautiful song. I hope that the next time I go to Tower Records it should be available, just like Liz Phair's new album and Fiona Apple's. Because I'm getting very impatient for new music. And right now, Beth Orton's fantastic new album The Comfort of Strangers is the real thing -- fantastic music from a fantastic singer, songwriter and musician.

(Beth Orton picture taken by Micaela Rossato, taken from Beth Orton's official website without permission)

posted by wanggo @ 5:01 AM 2 comments

not bitter

Boa from Duvet (lyrics by Jasmine Rodgers, Music by Boa)
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

This is just the stereo-typical, required Valentine's post being the day before Valentine's.

Why the hell do I need a date on Valentine's when I've got emotional and intellectual stimulation from my friends and family? Physical intimacy? It's over-rated. Sex is only necessary if the sex is good. Let me tell you, there are very few things that's worse than bad sex, and death isn't even one of them. I've decided to stay away from the possibility of bad sex and have actually been celibate for quite a long while now -- not my usual capacity but then again, I've abstained from sex for 3 and a half years before. If I could have done it then, I can do it now and with better conviction, I'm guessing.

I'm open to the possibilities of romance and whatever -- but not because I feel obliged to because of Valentine's. It's a sweet holiday and all (it's still a work day, though) but it's really a niche market thing -- it doesn't apply to everyone - not like Christmas or the New Year.

So, like I said, who needs Valentine's Day when I've got great friends like these...

(picture taken by Berna, me and Fay posing. This was in Cena on January 13, 2006. We had 5 pitchers of frozen Zombie that night!)

(same night, Lyra wanted one too. That's Eyron's hand trying to make the pic more artsy...)

(Berna decides to join Fay and I on the picture. Same night. Lotsa fun!)

So, tell me? What does a relationship promise that I don't get from friends? I can't think of any except sex... and well, I never have sex with friends. And it's over-rated anyway...

posted by wanggo @ 5:04 PM 1 comments

in the presence of children

Anonymous
We do not inherit the land, we borrow it from our children.

It is quite common knowledge I've never been fond of children. I'm KSP, kulang sa pansin, thus not in very good terms with anyone who needs more attention than me. And I'm 26 years old, I will always lose the attention to a child. And I refuse to compete with a child -- the idea alone is degrading. Kids need attention; they need a lot of love and care because what it is they experience growing up is what they will carry with them when they grow older. I believe in the responsibility of a parent. I believe in the responsibility that grown-ups have in being a good role model to children. It's a serious matter I do not take lightly which is why I try my best not to be near children or in constant contact with them. I do not trust myself with them. When comfortable, I tend to be audacious, loud or noisy, humorous and maybe sarcastic and a little snide. In the eyes of a child, without the proper information regarding these little tactics, they might think that being rebellious, talking back and being a smart-ass is perfectly okay. I do so with as much humour as I can muster. I must admit, it requires a sense of maturity to understand sarcasm and witticism. I don't want to have to try and explain it to a child, much less have them use me as an example. Sarcasm is dangerous when the form is copied but not the substance.

Children are not idiots and they see a lot more than you think they do. They remember far more than you realise and memory is never trustworthy. We have to be careful with children.

Today, during zips class, Cat and Paolo brought Paolo's niece as she was learning how to zip. Surrounded by other students, she playfully swung her poi's around and began learning the little techniques she was being taught by Paolo and Cat. There was a big smile on her face as she learned a new move. One time I caught her watching us, all the grown-ups practising and committing to memory, the reflexes that it takes to add a manuevre into our repertoire of moves. In her eyes, as saw she saw everything. She smiled to herself and returned to her own practice.

We practise zipping in the park of Valle Verde 1, where, in the afternoon, kids with their nannies and/or parents (and/or siblings) watch them as they bike, play on the swing and chase each other. I watch the kids watch the colourful ribbons of our pois circle the air and watch their mouths left agape in wonder.

Everyday, my 1-year old niece Eve learns more and more as she discovers her world. Slowly her vocabulary is increasing, she is walking faster and more sure-footed. She smiles at everything and anything within reach is subject to her curious investigation. Everything that is heard is repeated by her and everything is under her watchful scrutiny.

In moments like this, I watch myself to ensure that whatever I do is something ideal, exemplary and proper. I smile, I wave, I hug and I kiss to show her that world is full of love. I'll let reality sink in when it will and when she is ready for it. At her current state and age, I want her to know what it is like to be loved and to be held with much regard and affection.

But I cannot be in such confinement for too long. I'm a generally moody person with a filthy mouth and a sometimes extroverted nature. I criticizes openly and I rarely hide what is inside. For that I try my best to stay clear of children. It's my responsibility, I feel, to always try to be at my most proper behaviour in their presence. There is always something about their innocence that brings me to my knees in penitence.

posted by wanggo @ 11:39 PM 0 comments

where i am going from here

Robert Bresson
Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.

When I came back from Boracay and Bacolod during the New Year, I was so refreshed and eager once again to create things -- to put all the stories in my head to paper and to just write again. I carried this energy with me through most of January. Somewhere along the way in February, it sort of disappeared, bogged down by my everyday and the anticipation and every little thing else. As Jaypee and I were talking over dinner one time, I just want to be inspired again we had agreed. But that's not true. I am inspired. I got it back the other day when I was sitting with my Dad working on the edit of our short film. I saw my Dad clean up the edit; fine tuning the film to make it more effective, making it a stronger narrative. I got so filled with energy. I'm once again the dynamo I was when I got back from my vacation.

Because of all the things I want to work on, I had to quit my job at GMA-NMI. I love the people there and working with everyone in the team but now that I'm getting film offers, I can't juggle both at the same time. I've been writing and working on lifestyle television shows for 2 years now. I've given everything I had and I feel that maybe I've ran out a long time ago. I think my specialty has always been in narrative -- the structure and feel and pacing of stories. I tried applying what I knew into my segments, into my writing but I always found myself coming up short. I learned that television, lifestyle most especially, has a different language to that of narrative. You tell stories differently and I found myself unable to let go of my own training to replace it with television craftsmanship. I'm scared I'm not as talented, or multi-faceted, as I thought I was. I thought I could learn the craft of television and still retain my knowledge of narrative. Apparently, I can't. I was made for one thing only, it seems.

It saddens me, really but I've got to move on to the things that make me happy. Honestly, I've known this for quite some time, and I've already handed over my resignation, my work with NMI ends on February 15. I just haven't really reconciled it yet with myself until recently. I feel like a rat, like I've betrayed someone but truthfully, I think it would be worse off if I stayed when my heart is yearning for other things. That would be the worse betrayal and I respect and admire the people in NMI too much to do that. I gotta go.

The short film is one and I'm currently working on 3 more movie scripts and 1 play. It's a lot to do but I'm up to the challenge. Without gloating, these things are easy for me, and are actually quite fun when they are challenging. Problems regarding pacing, theme, character development thrill me. After writing the script or the storyline (which only takes me 2 days to do) and it is returned to me with comments, suggestions or revisions; I love walking in circles thinking about solving these problems. I know what movies to watch, what music to listen to, what to do to help me figure out how to solve these problems.

Lately, I've been watching movies with my Dad and brother again. I've been reading good books and I'm pacing around and thinking, really deeply thinking about people, the stories they tell me, my own stories, my own life and figuring out how best to tell their stories -- re-writing fact through fiction, keeping my mind sharp, honing my skills. It's really narrative that propels me. It's really narrative that drives me forward. That's my clear passion.

It feels like New Year's again.

(first picture taken in Boracay, exactly on midnight of January 1, 2006 by Paulino. That's Tals and me with a friendly American lady at the back.)

(Tals, Paulino and I on the morning of January 1, 2006 in Boracay, picture taken by Tals' friend Joao.)

posted by wanggo @ 4:47 PM 0 comments

Of Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Anonymous
Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.

I'm currently reading Living to Tell the Tale, the autobiography of Gabriel Garcia Marquez and I marvel at the amazing way in which he tells a story. Of course, much kudos to the translator Edith Grossman but nevertheless, the astute and keen awareness of Marquez is at the focal point as he begins to weave a magickal story that is true. I'm truly taken by the actually passionate way the Hispanics live their lives. It's really, truly amazing.

I don't know if I can track down to the very exact moment when my writer's instincts came into being. I can remember the very exact moment I decided to become a writer -- I was 14 and I had just finished a really bad book and told myself I can do better than this! What a horrible book, and then the idea hit home and I said to myself I'm going to be a writer and I never turned back since. But I think that my instincts for writing had already awakened before that. I think, before that, I was already very much aware of words and what they can do. Knowing the difference between I know and I think was very helpful growing up -- one was a declaration, a certainty while the other one was uncertain, giving space for the possibility of error.

I remember, I was around 8 or 9 years old and I went to Greenhills with my family. My brother Datu and sister, Michelle went to Radio City with me and I found a cassette tape that I really liked and I got it, went up to my sister and said Where do I purchase this? My sister was flabbergasted. She shouted, good-naturedly, Are you a freak? You're 9 years old, you don't purchase things! You buy things. You start purchasing things when you're 18! I didn't understand at the time what she meant. I used the right word, I thought, there should have been no reason for the outburst, even if it was light-hearted and in good humour. But I was already aware of words by that time.

I didn't even start reading correctly until college. Prior to taking up my majors, all I was reading were Michael Crichton books, Stephen King books and some easy to read classics like The Little Lame Prince, Call of the Wild and White Fang. I was shocked at the stuff we were expected to read when I got to college and my reading developed very quickly since then.

That was the first time I read Gabriel Garcia Marquez by way of Love in the Time of Cholera for Miss Connie Maraan's class in Introduction to Fiction. I loved the way he wrote, I wasn't all that in favour of his idea of the nature of love. While many found the book romantic, I found it a little amoral. I was never in the same wavelength as the Latin American writers in their expression of love. But I've always marvelled at their capabilities of their writing. I could recognize their extraordinary skills as writers, if not their idealogy regarding love.

Funny to find myself reading his autobiography now and finding out that their lives, their books, their stories are but a reflection of their real lives. I find that correlation really intriguing.

posted by wanggo @ 3:52 PM 3 comments

now back to your regular programming

Cate Blanchett from her quotes section in IMDB
If you know you are going to fail, then fail gloriously!

I've been quite politickal as of late. Talking about things that I probably don't understand because I'm not that well informed about it. It's so difficult, sometimes, to all of a sudden watch the news or watch a political movie and then suddenly be moved by what you watch. It's so easy to mouth off and say the first thing that comes into your mind. Truth be told, I don't keep myself updated with the news too often so I'm probably misinformed or I don't have all the information -- I'd most probably be saying things, mouthing off opinions without all the data. I'd probably be making uninformed judgements and that's always dangerous. My bad, my fault. I'm sorry. I easily get riled up. It's not me to be politickal anyway. I'm better suited to deal with things about art or myself, I guess.

So I'll move on to happier things. I was in a friend's house the other night and this person loves music as much as I do. His collection of dance CDs was amazing and we just hung out, talked and listened to all these electronic dance music that really forced me to stand up and dance. This is really good stuff; great mixes. I was really happy just letting the beats and the effects enter my body and let it do it stuff. I sorta miss dancing again but there's no club that I've been really happy with. I really miss 78 Orange. That was the perfect club for me.

I also had the best footlong sandwich I've ever tasted in Metro Manila. I get it from this tiny side-street snack bar/carinderia in Evangelista. I used to go there a lot when I still drived and brought home a friend who lives in the area. Before bringing him home or right after picking him up, we'd get a footlong from the place and enjoy it. It's really, extremely good. I found myself in Evangelista again after such a long time and knew I had to order it again.

Little simple joys to put a smile on my face. Especially now that this day is turning into some horror movie that was totally unexpected. So now, I'm taking a little breather before I go back to trying to fix this day and saving it from total desolation.

I have to remember to keep this smile on my face.

posted by wanggo @ 5:03 PM 0 comments

the killing joke

Natalie Portman taken from her quotes found in IMDB
The moment you buy into the idea that you're above anyone else is the moment you need to be slapped in the face.

Watched Syriana with my brother and Dad last night and I was absolutely revolted by what I saw. I couldn't believe it, really. The whole concept of what people will do for money, for the control and the power. And then, right after, my Dad decided to watch some CNN and they were showing the muslim faction in Lebanon attacking the Danish embassy because some European newspaper did a political/editorial cartoon with Allah (or was it Muhammed) in it. They were very pissed off.

It's almost as if I just want to put my hands over my ears and just shouting as loud as I can. Drown out the volume, wish it all away. The Muslims were making a statement regarding their beliefs. The Muslims were protecting their faith from criticism. But I also believe that the European newspaper was making a political statement using irony, parody, satire -- that's what a political/editorial cartoon is for! It has become a world where one cannot say what's on his mind; state his opinion -- someone gets defensive, rallies a big group of people and starts marching into the Danish embassy and destroying it.

Violence doesn't solve anything. Violence begets more violence. When does it end? It ends when you decide to not follow violence with another act of violence.

It's all about respect.

And let me put my two cents regarding the stampede over Wowowee. Please! How embarrassing that you'd lose your life over a show that makes fun/fools out of people who just want to make a quick buck. These people are hoping to make some money to get out of the horrible economic situation they are in and what happens? They are required to dance around like idiots -- the more foolish they look, the better. We are being made to think that it's okay to laugh at other people's desperation. People acting like idiots is funny. Laugh at that toothless grandmother dancing to Hollaback Girl. Give her 10,000 pesos while she's at. Applaud. Laugh. Point at her. Now, wouldn't you want to be on that show as well? Sure! Why not? 10,000 bucks to answer a few questions and then dance around is the perfect way for me to spend my afternoons.

Now on their big anniversary, 79 people perished, died and 400 people or more are injured. You know what I heard? The 1,000 plus people who were unharmed demanded that the show continue. They went so far to be there, they said they're dead anyway, let's just continue with the show. Talk about respect. Talk about propriety. Talk about what's right. I'm ashamed. This is what we are reduced to. This is where everything leads up to. People shooting each other, fighting over oil, keeping the status quo rather than making things better, people laughing at poor people who are doing whatever they can for money, people stampeding to get in, getting in line for a chance to make a fool of themselves on national television for a bit of cash.

That's Philippine quality television for you. You've got the MTRCB and the FRB saying movies like Brokeback Mountain to be risque; ensuring that television shows cannot show sex or too much violence or cursing and swearing but for them it's moral and proper for people to make absolute idiots of themselves in television for money. That's moral and that's okay. We can watch that. That's allowed.

Is it just me or does anybody else not get the joke? Cause somebody is laughing. I'm pretty sure somebody gets it because I don't.

posted by wanggo @ 3:51 PM 3 comments

moving me

from Crash (written by Paul Haggis and Robert Moresco)
It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

I read a comment on my previous post, telling me that my views regarding some aspects of life, specifically that part about doing what you love, is very idealistic and doesn't happen in real life. It said that most people don't get to do that which they love. I feel obliged to respond. Yes, I do believe it is very idealistic but not impossible. I feel that people don't do that which they love only because they let fear take over. The exception that comes are those people who have to support their family -- breadwinners and the eldest children of families who have to put food on the table and pay the bills. Those are unfortunate circumstances and I can understand them. I feel sorry that they have to be in that position. But, there are people out there who don't even give it a shot and are not in that unfortunate circumstance. They do have the capacity to try and they don't. That's the behaviour I can't understand.

Anyway, moving on, I performed today for Planet Zips. At the request of my teacher, Paulino, I and a couple of my classmates -- Djong, Des and Giselle went to the Fort and provided entertainment for a charity event for children with cancer. I was saddened at first, the idea of children having cancer and later on, I was surprised. They were bright and cheerful. They were not sad or depressed at all. I don't know if it was because they didn't understand how dangerous cancer is or if they didn't realise how much was at stake. We began to perform and some people came out to watch and the kids were spellbound with the ribbons flying in the air. Some of the doctors asked us to let them try and the kids got a chance too and they were playing and playing with it. It was a joy to see. I was extremely glad to have been able to do it.

Afterwards, my brother, my dad and I watched Capote and Crash. Philip Seymour Hoffman was fantastic as Truman Capote. He is such an amazing actor and I thought so long ago. I realised he was one of the most amazing actors of my generation. I am just totally and unbelievably amazed at how well he can convey emotion and how amazingly he disappears behind his characters. He is somebody else in every movie I see and there are no traces of himself between movies. He is simply amazing.

And Crash, my God! What a film! It is definitely one of the best movies I've ever seen. It moved me in ways I didn't understand. It made me think and I was in awe of such amazing acting, wonderful scriptwriting and direction. I heard so much good things about it and was scared that all the good things that was said about it would over-hype it that by watching it, it would fail under all that expectation. No. I was wrong. It far surpassed any bar that those praises gave it. It was truly an amazing film and had fantastic acting from its whole cast. This is a movie that everyone should watch.

It is movies like Crash and performances like Philip Seymour Hoffman's from Capote that makes me enjoy living so much. It's seeing the faces of people when I zip and writing something that people feel moved by that makes me enjoy life so much. It's feeling something and being able to make others feel -- it's connection with people, with the world, with everything. I love it. It's good to be alive.

posted by wanggo @ 3:17 AM 0 comments

all or nothing

Charlotte Martin from Beautiful Life (written by Charlotte Martin)
The sun may come up and go down again
I'll still swear it's a beautiful life

I met up with a good friend that I haven't seen in a long time last night. Lance and I met up at Metrowalk and we just caught up and talked and talked. I found myself philosophizing again. I was talking about how I couldn't understand people who want to be artists (or something else, not necessarily artists) but prepare their fallback, saying just in case I fail. I really don't get that. Why do you think you're going to fail? Why are you even going to get into it if you didn't think you could make it work out? Why would you settle for anything else if that's what pumps your blood, makes you want to live, makes you enjoy life? You make it work out for you. It's all or nothing. I'll struggle and fight for it, but I'm not going to live any other life than that of a writer. If I fail and end up starving, then let that be may fate but I ain't going to accept any other kind of life. Any other kind of life would just be half, or even less than half of what I want my life to be.

When I graduated from High School, there was no question, I was going to take up Literature and become a writer. It didn't occur to me to take up Business or Advertising or Journalism, so that I could have a fall back just in case things didn't work out. If I took up Business or Advertising or Journalism, of course I'd fail as a writer because the things that I needed to become a good writer I'd learn by taking up Creative Writing or Literature. If I wanted to be an actor, I would have taken up Theatre Arts. If I wanted to be a designer I would have taken up Design. If I wanted to be a painter or a musician then I would have taken up Fine Arts or Music. I would want to be properly educated in the field I'd be involved in the rest of my life. It bothered me to see so many talented people back in college, people so talented in the arts taken up Business, Engineering or Biology (pre-med courses) but in their hearts, in their souls, they really wanted to paint, to write, to act or sing. I think of all that wasted time, learning a second discipline that they don't really like or aren't even interested in just to be able to have a fall back in case it didn't work out.

I've always believed that that which we love can sustain us. If you're good in something, it will provide for you. Maybe it won't make you rich, maybe it won't make you famous or powerful but then it would make you happy and you could make ends meet. Isn't that enough? We hear that all the time, I just want to be happy but they always think that making a lot of money will do that for them.

I've done other things and now I can't imagine doing anything else but writing. I can dabble, I can experiment but in the end, it is writing that will keep me happy. It is writing that I am truly passionate about. If that means I'll always be struggling, then let it be so. At least I can say that I've done everything I could to do what I want to do. All of a sudden, the image of the struggling artist is one of courage, of true dedication and devotion.

If you truly know what it is you want to do, then do it. No questions asked. All or nothing. Don't warm the body by staying close to the fire, throw your whole being into the pyre. There is nothing else in this world that's more worth it.

But then, maybe I can speak this way because I've been lucky. I'm luckier than most. There are circumstances where money comes before personal happiness. That is a situation that really, truly sucks. And anyway, you're never too old to start, to begin. But I just think of all the time that is lost in the process. I constantly think of the 4 years or so that I could've been doing what I've been doing now. All that wasted time. I could be where I am 4 years ago.

But it is never too late. And there are no guarantees and nothing is certain. You could fail, you could end up starving but I'd rather have that then say I kept myself from being everything I wanted to be. No one can make you be what you want to be; only you could. So do it. I'd rather have been alive then safe. Nothing happens to people when they are safe. The best things in life happened when you were vulnerable and at the precipice of failure, looking down at the depths to which you could fall. It is only then that you actually get to spread your wings and fly.

posted by wanggo @ 8:56 AM 3 comments

complaints

Fernando Trueba from his Academy Award acceptance speech
If I believe in God, I'd thank him for everything; my problem is that I only believe in Billy Wilder.

I'm generally in a good mood and happy. But I really want to complain about Metrobank's supposed ATM's and their supposed "convenience banking" blah-blahs. The Metrobank ATM at Glorietta is unreliable. 50% of the time, the ATM is "unable to dispense cash." Which means I always end up using the Chinabank ATM instead. Then the Valencia Hills branch and the Metrobank near Broadway has the sign for an ATM and when I went there, there was none! What's the freaking point?!?! That's supposed to be convenient? I don't think so! I'm seriously thinking of switching banks because of that's their idea of convenient; then I'd hate to feel inconvenienced by a bank!

Sony BMG Records have yet to release Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine here in the Philippines. Neither has Capitol Records released Liz Phair's recent album as well. My friend downloaded Charlotte Martin's album On Your Shore and I am really loving it and it isn't available here yet either. This is really pissing me off. I understand we are a third world country and sending CDs over here is a risky business but damn it! We've got taste too, you know? 100 CDs ain't going to kill anyone and at least I'll be bound to get one of those 100. Argh!

(On a side-note, I'm really, truly digging Charlotte Martin's On Your Shore. Loving it completely. I was listening to the whole album the whole day yesterday and listening to it now. Certain songs made me think of Kate Bush and Tori Amos and when I checked her biography in the Billboard website, it said that she is a huge fan of Kate Bush. Her work resonates with Kate Bush but she's not a copy-cat at all. I really love this CD. If I only had an original copy!)

I need to get a new phone, damn it! Mine is fucking up way too often now and the charger broke again and that's going to be really, very problematic for me. I'm going to need a new phone and though I really like Sony Ericsson, they're not very sturdy and I'm the type who drops his phone pretty often. I need something heavy duty. I'm thinking of going back to Nokia because majority of people have it so I don't have to keep bringing a charger everywhere I go. And I don't know, but Nokia phones seem to be sturdier. Well, seems being the operative word. It's just that these blasted phones are so freaking expensive.

But don't get me wrong, I'm really in a good mood and happy right now. I just find these things little kinks in the system that really tries to sour everything. I just needed to get it off my chest, that's all.

posted by wanggo @ 12:34 PM 0 comments

musings 02.01.06

Nicole Kidman (quoted from IMDB)
I think it is important that we don't all have to hold our heads high all the time saying everything's fine.

It's funny how easily I find it to just open up everything about me -- the good, the bad, the embarrassing and the glorious. Every achievement, every sorrow, every doubt, every proud moment is but another story that I tell. I can just easily tell my most horrible experience to a new friend as if it was just telling them what I did that whole day. I live my life like an open book.

Case in point: I update this blog almost daily, meticulously, sharing every inch of my emotions without fear. I only hold back so much to protect the names of people whose lives may be affected. I may live my life like an open book, but not everybody lives that way. I respect their need for anonymity. I respect other's need for privacy. Me? I don't feel like having any. Not that I'd take a Filipino celebrity's life if offered, no way, that's no way to live my life. There is a difference when people feel they have the right to know what's going on with me and when I give it willingly. I don't want people hounding me around and finding out things about me or telling things I say to them so openly. If anything, I want to do the telling and dictate when what story is told. Is that clear?

Yeah, so I have no real secrets to keep. It's how I decided to live my life and it makes me happy. It keeps my life simple. I have nothing to hide and everything is for the telling. It is something that doesn't bother me. It is strange, for me, to think that I still manage to mystify others -- I have been, on occasion, been called mysterious. Is it because I am so out in the open, and by choice, that I am mysterious? It is something quite unexpected, I guess, which makes it more enigmatic. Maybe people can't believe that one wants to keep no secrets that they feel there are more things hidden underneath? I don't know. I'm not going to try to solve it.

I am having this new obsession -- constantly checking out IMDB (Internet Movie Data Base) and reading up the life story of my favourite celebrities, reading their little trivia and reading/collecting their quotable quotes from their more memorable interviews that can be found there. I've already collected a few from Anna Paquin, Nicole Kidman, Natalie Portman, Cate Blanchett, Ian McKellen, Julianne Moore, Sandra Bullock and Christian Bale. I couldn't get an interesting one from Famke Janssen and Frances McDormand or Maggie Smith. I'll be going through more and finding more stuff I can use. In fact, I've already used one, from Nicole Kidman on this entry. It's my little thrill right now.

One day, I hope to have my own entry on IMDB and that it will mark me as a screenwriter of some note, on a global scale, of course. Maybe I might even have some directorial credits there as well as I have yet to decide whether I want to direct or not.

My pocket is full of coins. It hangs heavy and pulls my jeans down. Thank God I've got a pretty good belt.

I don't miss getting drunk at all, I don't miss going out and people ask me if I'm going out this weekend and I really can't answer because I don't feel like it. There is no particular need to go dancing. But I decided to put a photo of a night out with friends from the office here. This was last January 13, with Fay, Binky, Lyra, Rica and Berna. We just went out to have fun, say good bye to Berna and generally not be in the office on a Friday. We were drinking Zombies like water and generally having a good time.

I just ate at Chow King for a sort of interim meal in-between writing. I like their Fried Chicken lauriat but for a fast food restaurant, it isn't that fast. At least it isn't pre-cooked. I forget that at this hour, they start cooking things as ordered. I love their prawn crackers too.

Oh yeah, and I really love that shirt I'm wearing at the picture. It was a Christmas gift to me from my cousin Yciar. She has a great sense of style and the shirt really makes me look good (at least it makes me feel good, so I can carry it better).

Just little musings at 4:44 am. He He He

posted by wanggo @ 4:17 AM 1 comments