Indulgence

Fighting Form

Bette Midler
I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing.

I'm sorta amazed at myself. Cleaning up a lot of lose ends here before I leave; after all, I don't want to be in the land down under and be thinking about running to an internet cafe to fix up stuff back home. I want my mind all there on the job and on the experience. I want to be like a machine when I'm there -- just thinking about the show and then, when free time is available, relish in the experience.

I got a call from the dynamic duo that is closely attached to my film writing career. Wonderful people that they are, they tell me that I've got to come up with something new, in relation to what some people want or expecting from an older pitch that we did. They called sometime last week, like around Friday. Then I told them I was leaving on Tuesday for Australia. They were happy for me but also shocked. I told them not to worry; I'll give them something to work with before I left.

All weekend, my mind was working on overdrive and then it hit me and in one day, I come up with something I'm extremely proud of. My mind is back to its fighting form. I'm really out of my slump now. I've noticed how I'm more aware again of how people feel. My empathy is back up to optimal levels and I'm beginning to feel what others are feeling again. My sensitivity is back on track now. It's not all me-me-me like it was when I was depressed.

My creative juices are flowing... no, my creative juices are flooding. Things are appearing to be better again and I'm just so glad that everything is working out. I'm excited about living again and I'm just happy that things are falling into place. No more of those insurmountable odds, those hurdles that were just way too high to jump over. Now, I'm push a little, I get pushed back a little. Not like it was in April to June where I was pushing and pushing and throwing my whole weight at it and it just wouldn't budge. Now it seems like things are fair, things can happen; what I do matters or can matter.

And I love it that my creativity is back. I'm ready. Australia, here I come!

posted by wanggo @ 12:10 PM 1 comments

Am Going Down Under!

William Blake
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.

I'm going on over-drive. I got my visa accepted so it's sure -- I'm going to Australia. As Lance said the other day Wanggo's going down under! How apt!

They said it's winter there at this time so I'm really freaking out. Heard it gets down to 10 degrees and boy! That's cold. I've never been one to handle the cold very well. I'll be freezing my butt off, but that's okay. I'm going to Australia. Nothing beats that!

I'm so excited because I'm going to get to see my step-niece again, Monica. I haven't seen her in years and she is always fun to hang around. At least I'm not going completely blind. I'll have my little tour guide around. Monica is the step-daughter of my sister and she's a blast to be with. She's funny and fun and really refreshing. We had lots of fun hanging out before she moved to Australia. I totally forgot she's there and I just remembered today so I got her number and we're going to see each other and that's just so cool.

I'm already borrowing digital cameras and stuff because I can't stop thinking about all the marvelous things I'm going to see and it's just going to be great! It's going to be swell. I'm so excited. I'm really, so excited.

I'm leaving after this weekend. I'm stoked. I am so bleeding stoked I don't know what else to say. It's the only thing on my mind right now.

posted by wanggo @ 5:42 PM 2 comments

a wonderful day

Rumi
Wanderer, stay hungry,
And honor your exile.
Wherever we came from in the first place,
That's where we're headed.

I am having a wonderful day. It hasn't been going like clockwork; I've been late for some of my meetings by a few minutes but things have just been falling into place and I've been able to properly mix business and pleasure today.

Went to Greenbelt to have lunch with Tesa. The rain didn't fall but it was windy in Greenbelt and the sun was shining and it was cool and breezy and sunny. It was a lovely day to stay outside and we did. We had a terrific lunch and wonderful conversation. We haven't seen each other in such a long time and her vibe was just invigorating! I was re-charged, energized and re-freshed.

Tesa then told me that they have released the re-issued old albums of Bjork. I was so happy. I went up and immediately bought myself Debut and, when I get paid again, will also buy Vespertine. Once I buy that last album, I'll have completed all of Bjork's solo albums. I'm an extremely happy bunny already. After all, I've been dying to have my own copy of Debut for a long time. I love The Anchor Song and this version has Play Dead in it which I've never heard. So I'm really happy.

I then went to work and discovered they've stamped my visa. I'm going to Australia! Can you imagine my glee? Can you imagine my joy? I'll be leaving for Melbourne on August 1 and stay there for 6 days and then going to Sydney for 3 days and then going back home. I'm working on a new television show and it's really great. I get to work, gain more work experience, try something new, while I'm in a country I've never been in. How exciting! I'm so freaking happy I can touch the sky!

Big smile on my face. Big, big smile on my face.

Plus, Storm Large got the encore in the last episode of Rockstar Supernova and Phil was removed and not Zayra and so it seems like this week, the world is back to something I can understand again.

I'm really, really happy.

posted by wanggo @ 6:47 PM 0 comments

moments of grace

Roisin Murphy from Love in the Making
Each man must stand alone
Walk alone along a road
Of his own making
Can't turn your back
On your particular ending

I get home and turn on the computer to do some writing and lo and behold! The internet is working. And then, an hour or so later it just dies on me while I'm sending mail and downloading some stuff that I need. Great! Nice exclamation point!

In my anger I started defragmenting the computer and then stepped out to watch television and then I caught Jerry Maguire and I got hooked. So I was watching and then that fantastic scene in the backyard when Dorothy (Renee Zelwegger) comes out and finally tells him that it is all her fault, their relationship, how she took advantage of his vulnerability and his "sense of responsibility" and thought that she could "love enough for the both of us" was just tremendous. I was brought to tears and I was crying and crying. Had I the strength and the clarity to see things as such; maybe I wouldn't be so messed up. It was amazing. The lines, the words, were just so on the mark. It's movie dialogue, I guess, we are never so lucid, so articulate in the moments of pain.

But then, there are times, when we are struck with moments of grace; those amazing moments when the words come and they are exactly what needs to be said at that time. It's chilling; how everything works out for one moment -- the right words, the right look, the right tap on the shoulder and the right cock of the head to the side. It happens, when everything just seems to be perfect at that point.

I remember a lot of those moments and most of the time, it comes to me or to my friends in great stress. All of a sudden one of us is crying (or near that point) and one or the other is explaining their situation so clearly that it is mapped out completely from start to finish. Both know what the hell is going on and why one is crying and the other has to remain strong and then, with only but a second, the other speaks and gives a truth, that is both painful yet so simple that it is understood despite the anger and the hate and bitterness and frustration. Those words that somehow just peel away the ugliness and everything is just right. Everything is just right.

I remember 2 years ago when things broke down for me and the Spaceman and I found myself in Paolo's condo, talking to Paolo, Anne and Ayet and we were just sharing stories and it was perfect. We spent around 4 or 5 hours just talking about, breaking it down to these moments. It was amazing. These stories of how one person broke our hearts and how we just realised it was over. We connected. They didn't say because life is like that which is usually difficult to swallow. They shared what happened to them, something similar, or something that evokes the same amount of pain and bitterness and frustration and it was something I can chew.

Yeah, life is like that. It is messy and painful and frustrating. But, I guess, we need to see it, hear it, feel it from someone else to be able to digest it.

That's why I like movies so much or music or books. When they are well done, I can see it and feel it and hear it. I'm experiencing it again but from someone else's point-of-view and then I know that yeah, life is like that. It's messy and painful and frustrating. But we all go through it. And we continue to walk on, put another step forward and just keep walking onwards to wherever we are going to end up. How can you give up when everyone is taking that next step forward?

I love those moments of grace. Sitting in the balcony, just the two of you, each with his or her bottle of beer and a cigarette. Or both sitting in the sand, at the beach, holding your glass of rum coke and getting fanned by the wind, underneath the stars. Or sitting at the curb of the road, clouds forming and it's about to rain and your staring at the pavement, side-by-side. The words come out and they are just what you needed to say, just what you wanted to hear.

Sometimes, you're sitting in your living room watching Jerry Maguire and you hear the words and it hits you in the gut and it's about something else entirely but you are reeling from the hurt and you know that yeah, it's not okay right now, but it will be, like it was a few days ago, or 2 years ago or 10 years ago. It's not always down and it's not always bad and it's not always painful. You go on.

What else can you do?

posted by wanggo @ 3:58 AM 0 comments

play with the cards I'm dealt with

Imogen Heap from Hide and Seek (written by Imogen Heap)
Hmmm what you say
Oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
Hmmm what you say
Hmmm that it's all for the best, of course it is
Hmmm what you say
That it's just what we need, you decided this
Hmmm what you say
What did she say?

I was rained on this whole day. Getting from meeting to meeting as the rain changed the colour of my pants and made me jacket another 10 pounds heavier. Ugh! My feet are swimming in the water that managed to sneak into my shoes and once again, I find myself in an internet cafe spending money to work.

My workshop gig just got postponed which means I could've been able to do this gig for Planetzips but since they were conflicting and I had committed to the workshop gig for Nestle first; I couldn't take the zip gig. Now it got cancelled and I'm like, shit, this sucks.

But I don't want to complain and complain and complain. I hate it. Whining is useless and just makes things worse; it doesn't make anything better so I'm stopping right now.

On a good note, it looks like things are going steady on the television show I'm putting together. If all goes well, I'll be going off the the land down under for 9 days. I've never been to Australia and I'll be going there as a journalist. That'll be my second stamp on my passport as a journalist. With Shanghai and Australia in my passport, it might be easier for me later on to start getting stamps. If the show goes well, I'll be able to keep putting stamps on my passport and I'll be seeing the world -- because of work and not on my expense. Not bad.

Morx got me a fantastic set of songs to listen to. He downloaded lots of songs from Grey's Anatomy and I've really been loving it. I'm now a huge fan of Roisin Murphy and Imogen Heap and Sigur Ros. I'll be ordering their albums on-line the moment I can get a chance to. I also like Emiliana Torrini and will probably be getting her albums too.

Reminds me, also, to get Stina Nordstram's albums... I remember liking her a lot and Rex has a couple of Stina Nordstram songs in his Ipod and I liked a lot of them.

Projects are coming in and I've been doing my best to be thankful, to work hard and to just keep plodding on. Some of them are not to my expectations, some of them got postponed and then moved to a date that I cannot be available for and the like. But hey! That's life and life is messy. I had a pretty good childhood and I never took advantage of what I got when I was a kid and that was my fault. Now it's time to work and I got to work it. It might not be fair but that's the way the world works and who am I to change all of that? Can I change all of that? How do I even begin to change it?

I can't so I won't. I'll just play with the cards I'm dealt with and hope to God no one's got a better hand than me.

Not as bright and cheerful a blog entry as I would have wanted but I'm down today and yesterday; a stark contrast from being up and peppy and perky in the weekend. I hope I have internet access on a brighter day. Gloomy days like these were meant to be spent underneath a heavy comforter and half-awake.

posted by wanggo @ 8:09 PM 0 comments

hassle

Tennessee Williams
Life is a fairly well-written play, except for the third act.

I hate this! I've been out of the loop because our computer is fucking busted! It can't read the God-damned modem, which is there but since it is so old, it just doesn't work. I've been out of touch with everything and everybody and I haven't been able to update my blog and I lost out on some good gigs because of it.

I now have to pay to do my work. And I can't save my work because I use internet cafe computers. I have to send the file to my e-mail and use my e-mail as a storage space that way, no matter where I am, I can access those files.

HASSLE!!!

The rains have made it impossible to get to my meetings dry and presentable and I really, really can't stand having to trudge through the puddles and putting my jacket over my head just to stay dry.

I'm just so pissed off... And you know what? I've been pretty serene and happy and calm lately. It's just that everything just piled up today when I realised all these shitty things happening, all at the same time...

I'll just go to a meeting now that the rain has abated and I'll be back with a much happier post.

Right now, I just want to grab a dove in mid-flight, force him on the ground and shit on his head for once!

posted by wanggo @ 3:16 PM 0 comments

little spaces of comfort

from Grey's Anatomy
We believe in superstitions because we're smart enough to know we don't know everything.

I had a very stressful last 2 days. It's not even funny. Work started all arriving at the same time, work I already committed to, so I couldn't get out of any of them. I accept these jobs and try to schedule them in a way that they don't overlap, or that it can be done but somehow, something always happens to manage to screw up my schedule. A client submitted their information late so I couldn't start on the script on time and the whole time table was adjusted drastically, eating up on another project's time table. I wasn't pleased but what can I do?

Haven't had much sleep. I went all of 2 days without any sleep and I'm tired but thankfully, I was able to find 2 to 3 hours of time to go to Bel-Air Park 3 where I joined Paulino's class. I taught again, after such a long break, and zipped like crazy. I forgot how much fun it is to be in a big field with other poi-dancers, just zipping away. The laughter came easy and the adrenaline rush kept me awake to help me finish my edit.

And then there's always my friends who will drive all the way to where I am to meet up with me and then keep the smile on my face geniune and true. They tease me, comfort me, support me and encourage me and tell me that I'm holding up great. Now, even if it isn't true, I think it is and then it becomes true. Thanks Morx, Jay and Rex. That was much needed unwinding last night.

Work is such a big thing -- once again it takes all of my time and comes suddenly and without warning. It erases the promise of happy moments so precisely that there isn't a chance for those moments to come to fruition. But I like working so the whole thing just becomes something else -- a different experience altogether. It's somewhere between pain and joy; frustration and gratification. I like it but not if it consumes all my waking moments. And then, every once in a while, I retreat to little spaces of comfort -- zipping, hanging out with the zips crew, hanging out with Jay and the gang or reading a book or exchanging texts with Michap or Lance or some good old friend, watching a movie or finding 30 minutes to just get absorbed into the music. And then I have to leave but then everything is not so bad. Everything is alright.

So I cannot say that things are bad. Things are pretty cool, actually.

posted by wanggo @ 8:19 PM 1 comments

Rockstar Supernova Week 3

Texting with my Dad
Wanggo: Am okay. Busy. Still trying to learn to say "no." Would be easier if there were some sure things, but then, there's no such thing, right? I'm better, not so bitter anymore. You?

Dad: I'm not bitter, either. I just, one morning ten days ago, decided to be happy. And it worked.

Wanggo: I know! I started reading again, getting involved with the music I listen to, make jokes that aren't bitter or angry. It was great. It's not just a reaction, being happy, it is also a decision, I guess, to accept it when it's there.

Dad: I think so too. Sometimes we just get too filled up with our "sense of destiny" although it's important to have it.

I don't want this blog to become some sort of Rockstar: Supernova blog but I can't help it. The show really moves me and I'm very much involved and attached with the contestants and what happens to Supernova. The show is playing with my dreams and ideals and frustrations of being a rockstar. The show is telling me that if I had the talent and the love for it, I could be a rockstar. Not just the whole struggling artist thing but a real rockstar. For these contestants, their dream can be fulfilled. How can you argue with that?

And I love Guns and Roses and I love Motley Crew and because of the show, I'm really admiring Jason Newsted. He's a fantastic bass player and his comments are always spot-on. He's the man! I can't wait to hear Supernova's first record.

So on to my comments!

Patrice Pike
I like Patrice. She's got a great voice and she really knows how to rock and rock hard. Helter Skelter was rockin' and it was great she was tough about it. She didn't handle the argument with Jill very well but then, Jill doesn't look like the easiest person to talk to. Jill just likes to hear herself talk and I bet if she let Patrice say what she had to say, it would have been clear. But that is not the case. Anyhow Patrice is good except she still doesn't stand out for me. Like I told my brother, she appeals to me as the talented second guitarist who sings back-up. She's Nancy wilson, not Ann Wilson. She isn't big; she isn't a rockstar. She needs to get out there and really own that stage.

Josh Logan
Yeah, so he's got a good voice -- he isn't a rockstar. Like Jay says, he should be in a boyband. Like Datu says, he's lame. He is not the lead singer of Supernova. I'm sorry. He's not. He is a very soulful singer, I'll give him that. But this is going to be a dirty rock band. I don't think he's dirty enough. He should've been the first to go.

Storm Large
I absolutely love this singer! I love this girl. She has fantastic song choices, quirky even -- Pinball Wizard, Surrender by Cheap Trick and then Just What I Needed by The Cars. Great songs but more than that, they are quirky, playful, full of character and she sings them, takes control of them -- they don't control her. She made it work and she made it rock. I love the whole performance attitude she brings -- very Freddie Mercury, very Annie Lennox. I love her.

Jill Gioia
Fine. She did a good job this time round. But I still feel she's a little too trying hard to be a rockstar. Powerful voice, I'll give her that and good control but since I find her attitude a little too trying hard, I feel that it isn't authentic. She's not there for Supernova. But she deserves her spot this week.

Ryan Star
He bores me.

Phil Ritchie
He can sing, he can rock but he doesn't look like a rockstar. His stage presence is weak. He looks like a college kid in a college band and not very convincing. Daniel Johns of Silverchair was 14 when they first came out and though he was just 14, he wasn't a high school kid in a real cool band, he was a rock star already. I disagree with Dave Navarro, Jason Newsted upstaged him completely.

Toby Rand
I love this guy but this was not his best performance. Still has a great vocal, still a great singer but this was a step backwards from his earlier performances. He's still my 1 of 2 choices for the lead vocalist of Supernova.

Lukas Rossi
Once again, he took over and he owned that stage. His rendition of the song was extremely cool and he proved that it isn't about the song choices; not if you are a good singer. He proved taht you can take any song and make it rock. This guy would be in my top 3 if I didn't think he was too intense or taking himself too seriously.

Zayra Alvarez
I didn't have a lot of good thigns to say about Zayra in the past 3 weeks but today, she proved she was a contender. Fantastic arrangement, fantastic vocals, fantastic performance. She nailed it this time. Definitely a wow!

Magni
I am beginning to like this guy a lot. I like his personality in the reality episodes and I am starting to like his performances. He's definitely good and he is a dark horse for winning this race. He has what it takes to really win this competition and if he is just holding back enough to really nail it in the end; I'll be happy to buy the record of Supernova when it comes out.

Dana Andrews
I totally forgot about ther. I knew she was earlier in the show but I don't really care much for her. I hate the song as it is, not a big fan of Bon Jovi, so her singing it made everything so much worse. This is her last performance. She's not a rocker. Not at all. She should take her voice to American Idol. She'll definitely impress Paula.

Jenny Galt
I have to agree with the band, she's too Lilith Fair. That's why I like her so much. I love her voice, I love her arrangements of all the songs she has sung and she's extremely sexy with that guitar. The girl knows how to play that instrument! But she's not Supernova. I hope she stays long enough though to keep singing so that I can keep hearing her work. I love this girl.

Delana
Best performance of anyone in the show yet. This girl is amazing and she just rocks my world. I love her attitude in the reality portions of the show, I love her sensitivity and then, when she gets up on stage, she becomes this performer, this rock-witch that thrills me and excites me and sends shivers down my spine. She is my second of 2 people who I want to front Supernova. I love this girl!

So this is turning out to be a very interesting competition and I can't wait to see it unfold!

posted by wanggo @ 2:14 AM 0 comments

non-fiction

Peter Marshall
Lord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change; where we are right, make us easy to live with.

I've been reading a lot of non-fiction lately. The last 3 books I read were non-fiction -- The Devil in the White City, Kate Bush The Biography and Piece by Piece. I've become so fascinated with the lives of people who have really lived. Kate Bush and Tori Amos are people I really relate to; or more correctly, are people who relate to me and we've never met! But they have written songs that speak to me, console me or fire me up. They totally reach into me, inside me and then tear me apart and put me together again. In The Devil in the White City I am fascinated with the dark side of the story, the story of the serial killer Holmes (that's his name, if I'm not mistaken) and I am drawn to that which I cannot embrace -- that depravity and that feeling of how the world's laws and rules are beneath me. That aspect of the story chills me. I am also drawn to Burnham's desire to create something beautiful, grand, elegant and lasting; most importantly lasting. The World's Fair in Chicago may not have lasted long, but it's effects did.

All three books chronicle the amazing struggle of these extraordinary people. Both Tori Amos and Kate Bush had been playing the piano at such a young age. Both women composed music at a very early age. Tori Amos doesn't read music but she can play by ear. Kate Bush has never taken a real voice education and just learned proper breathing techniques. She pushed herself to raise her voice's range all by herself. Burnham, the lead architect for the Chicago's fair, was a businessman and an artist. He was a leader who was able to successfully put together a stunning, moving World's Fair in a matter of 3 years under great opposition and hardship. Even the serial killer Holmes was able to mesmerize, fool and swindle people throughout his life until the bitter end. These amazing people took what they were given and pushed it all the way to achieve great (and horrible) things.

I'm amazed by all this and have found myself quite taken by this literary form. I've taken classes with Marj Evasco and Luisa Aguilar-Carino-Igloria on the genre and I plan on returning to this kind of writing.

Do I feel that my life is interesting enough to write about? Do I feel that people would be interested in reading about me? I guess I do. At one point, having kept this blog for 2 years and have written on it constantly, I feel that I do have something to share. At one point, I realised, I do have something to say and I do see the world in a unique and interesting way. I may not have a unique life and many of the things I've done have been done by others, but maybe it is in the way I see it, the way I perceive the world and this experiences that may be the key to some point of... what? I don't know? Enlightenment? An answer to a question long asked? Maybe just connection.

I am so used to stripping myself bare all the time through the written word. I am so used to exposing my deepest fears and joys. I am always telling something about myself. Maybe I've turned it into some sort of skill or artform (which is basically the same thing, really). Maybe fiction is not my realm but that of reality.

I'm excited to see what comes out.

posted by wanggo @ 1:30 PM 0 comments

Drowning in the Music

Neil Young from The Painter
It's a long road behind and it's a long road ahead. If you follow every dream you might get lost.

Soaking up the Tori Amos book like a sponge. I was hoping for something more sequential and gave facts about the recording process and how much money each album made and what she thought of those moments and what she did on the tours and how the public accepted her. But I was so wrong. The book is nothing like that at all. It really dissects Tori Amos' creative process and her philosophies and her ideologies and how it all translates into her work and her daily life. The book is really a complete inside look into her mind, her brain, her heart. I don't know if this would be as successful with any other artist because Tori Amos is extremely aware of the process and she's very literate and articulate. She reads so much and, much like a sponge, just absorbs so much information into her. Like she mentions many times, she's not just a song writer, or to put it closer to what she said, a song writer is not just a creator of music -- he/she is a translator, a teller of stories, an investigator and a shape-shifter. A song writer is many things in order to properly create this artform that can move, that can push. It's an amazing book. It's not what I expected but I'm happy with it. I'm really soaking it up.

It's really a far cry from the Kate Bush book which was written without Kate Bush's involvement, rather taking interviews from people around her and the few interviews she did conduct. Here, the book's author Ann Powers has interviewed and spoke with Tori Amos intently and constantly to help formulate the content. Talking with Tori Amos, apparently, about her creative and artistic processes requires quite a bit of appreciation for archetypes, mythology, and some previous reading of the universal subconscious. Oh yeah, and a whole lot of religious knowledge -- especially about the Gnostics and stuff. It's such a treat. She talks about things we really discussed in length in our literary criticism class. To know that Tori Amos is so well-versed in archetypes and the Jungian theories is just chillin'.

Rockstar Supernova is up again and I just finished watching the newly uploaded reality episode from the net. I continue to favour the following and hope that they reach the final five -- Toby, Dilana, Jenny, Storm and Patrice. I wish these 5 would be the last ones standing with either Toby or Dilana fronting Supernova and the other 3 ladies (and the one not chosen) having their own illustrious solo careers. I find Jill a drama queen and her voice is powerful but not very emotive. It's strong but I find it cold and not containing much feeling. Magni has a gorgeous voice and he might come up to the number 6 spot. I said Lukas is an amazing performer and has a great voice, but if he continues to sing with his throat; he won't last in this competition.

And then, I found their spaces where they put their blogs and everything. I was just giddy with excitement. Too bad they haven't put up much yet but I'm enjoying it nonetheless.

Haven't been feeling 100% but I continue to plod along and getting everything together. Getting a little overwhelmed by the amount of work going on but hey! It's definitely better than what was going on before so I won't complain.

I've been bringing my CD walkman everywhere with me now, completely filling up all the time in-between human interaction with music. I love it because the music blows straight into my ears and I can hear instruments in the background that I didn't hear before. Listening to the music on speakers lets you "see the whole picture," let's you receive the whole sound as one whole. But on the ear phones, you can start picking the instrumentations apart. You can start separating the sounds and layers. I'm so tickled by the whole experience. I love it. I'm discovering new things, little details, in the music I've loved for so long.

I'm really just throwing myself at the music thing. It is my one big frustration in life.

posted by wanggo @ 5:02 PM 0 comments

Stepping Out of the Page Into the Sensual World

Kate Bush from Kate Bush, The Biography (written by Rob Jovanovic)
I really don't think it's possible to make things perfect, really. In some ways, there's almost an attempt to try to achieve something that is quite imperfect. Do you know what I mean? And to be able to find a way of leaving it with certain raw edges so that the heart doesn't go out of it. I don't think of myself as a perfectionist at all.

Bought the hard bound copy of the book Kate Bush, The Biography the moment I saw at Power Books. I was looking for Tori Amos' biography but couldn't find it. I saw a picture of Kate Bush and I immediately bought it, no matter how much it cost.

I finished reading the book on that day. I was amazed at her world. Can't say much about the writer, though. He definitely is a fan of her work but I was a little miffed about his comments for most of the songs on The Red Shoes and Sensual World. Often times he would remark them as not working or failed at the musical intention when I felt that they were good songs. They might not have been her best work but they didn't fail. I don't think so. But whatever the case, he did an amazing job piecing together her life through interviews with frequent collaborators and from the little pieces of publicity she did. Kate Bush keeps her private life to herself and hardly conducts interviews at all. So this little bit of information was a welcome change.

I was so happy to read it I finished it on that day. I was so starved on information on Kate Bush and for reading something as well.

Today, I got Tori Amos' biography. I can't wait to start reading this one. This one has Tori Amos more hands on and that excites me. I want to investigate her own personal mythology and how she came up with some of those songs.

Between Kate Bush's biography and then Tori Amos and Rockstar Supernova, I'm going to really hit a peak in my frustrations for being a singer. Music is really an important factor in my life. I love the sensual quality to music and how it can caress you even if its just sound. The mixture of tones and the timbre of certain instruments, sometimes mixed with the words, can be so alluring, comforting or it can drive you mad and wild. I just love how my body responds to it. Yeah, music is unbelievably affecting for me.

I hope I won't be disappointed by this week's Rockstar Supernova. I saw how Jenny Galt was at the bottom 4 last week and that pissed me off. She is so good, she has no right being at the bottom 4. I loved her version of Soft Cell's Tainted Love. It was so dynamic and new and fresh and really complemented her voice. I hope she stays long enough to get a good record deal and an International release. I think she'll make a great record out.

Internet has been really bad at home. Our computer is falling apart. The modem, though properly installed, can't be detected by our CPU. Some days it can, some days it won't. The past few days it didn't and I got stuck to using internet cafes and the bill is just getting way out of hand! I'm getting really annoyed by this. It sucks. I hate this.

Otherwise, life has been better. Really lovin' Pink's I'm Not Dead album and I'm paying for things again so I can go out and have fun. Life has been cool. Paying off my debts one by one. Soon, I'll be back on my feet. With the new Tori Amos book, I'm going to enjoy this week, I think.

Title was taken from the words of Kate Bush's song The Sensual World

posted by wanggo @ 8:49 PM 0 comments

I want to be a Rockstar

Umberto Eco from In the Name of the Rose
Laughter kills fear, and without fear there can be no faith because without fear of the Devil there is no more need of God.

My friends all know I'm a frustrated singer. Hell, strangers know I'm a frustrated singer as I walk the streets of this city with my CD walkman in my bag and the ear phones connected to my ears. I mouth the words and bang my head to the beat and sometimes, people discover that I can't sing when an occasional off-note comes out of my lips. I love music so much, I'd give up all the things I'm good at to be able to sing, play instruments and write songs.

But what I'm not sure is whether people realise that I'm really a rocker at heart. Sure, people know I love to dance and I go clubbing and I love to dance to electronic music. People know that I like to belt out to pop tunes and I'm not afraid to admit that I like ABBA and I like quite a lot of Celine Dion songs and that I may hate Mariah Carey, I will admit that I'm a big fan of One Sweet Day, Always Be My Baby, Music Box and her version of Bringing on the Heartbreak. Hell, I'll admit to owning a Britney Spears CD, Shakira, Marion Raven and Cher.

But I'm not sure if my friends realise that I'm really a rocker at heart. Maybe I'm not a dirty rocker but I've got my roots. I grew up listening to folk rock like John Denver, Joni Mitchell, Joan Baez, Judy Collins, Neil Diamond and the like. There was always a lot of classic rock playing at home like The Beatles, John Fogerty, Fleetwood Mac, Clearance Clearwater Revival, Elton John, Eric Clapton, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, The Doors, Peter Gabriel and Jimmy Hendrix. U2 and Sting have always been favourites at home. Later on, my brother Datu was influential in making me appreciate the music of Motley Crew, Guns and Roses, Metallica, Pantera, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Lynrd Skynrd, White Shark, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins and the rest.

Eventually, my love for feminine vocals led me to discover the women of rock -- Heart, The Pretenders, Stevie Nicks, Annie Lennox with The Eurythmics, Pat Benatar, Siouxsie and the Banshees, and of course, Kate Bush. Modern times called for more modern singers and I was drawn to Bjork, Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, Fiona Apple, Aimee Mann, Sheryl Crow, Courtney Love, Nina Persson as A Camp or The Cardigans, Skunk Anansie and more. I even rock on to the music of Chantal Kreviazuk, Heather Nova, Holly McNarland, Leah Andreone, Nina Gordon and Veruca Salt, Skin and the like. And yeah, I really love the music of Poe.

But I've decided to explore my horizons having added Coldplay, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Our Lady Peace and Audioslave to my playlist.

If I were going to become a singer I can't help myself but I'd be a rocker. I'm going to want to rock out and write intense rock songs akin to Tori Amos, Bjork, Fiona Apple and Kate Bush; just male version. Ha Ha Ha Or better yet, I'd love to be David Bowie.

A little side note: David Bowie is one of the greatest singers/song-writers ever. I love his songs and the way they are so complex and intricate and intelligent. Bowie's songs really are great to sing to and can really make you think. And just in case you were wondering, Kate Bush can really rock. From the Hounds of Love album you can hear the strong underlying rock themes of Running Up That Hill and I've got a kickin' rock version of Hounds of Love. From Sensual World, I've got an awesome rock version in my head for Rocket's Tail (Song for Rocket) and in The Red Shoes she's got an awesome rock ballad And So Is Love with Eric Clapton providing some real cool guitar playing. Listen to Big Stripey Lie for some real cool rock guitars played by Bush herself. The girl can rock if she wanted to but her music is bigger and grander than that.

So I'm really digging Rockstar: Supernova. Unlike Rockstar: INXS where they are looking for a vocalist to take INXS to a new generation and they have an established sound and famous hit songs, Rockstar: Supernova is out to start a whole new band with a whole new sound with some really great rockers. This is more exciting to me because this is really the start of something extremely new.

My little fantasy? I actually can sing and play the guitar and piano, I'd join and if I had a chance to choose my songs, these are the songs I'd sing on the show. Smashing Pumpkins' Bullets with Butterfly Wings, Bjork's Army of Me, Superman is Dead by Our Lady Peace, I'm Afraid of Americans by David Bowie, Come Together by The Beatles, The Guns and Roses' classic Paradise City, Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac, The Door's Paint it Black, Yellow by Coldplay, Rocket's Tail (Song for Rocket) by Kate Bush, Good by Better Than Ezra, Sweet Jane by Lou Reed and Baba O' Riley.

But that's just me.

I'm enjoying Rockstar: Supernova right now and I've got my own little set of favourites.

Jenny Galt: one of my absolute favourites in the show. I love her voice and her arrangements. I am totally in love with her version of Tainted Love but I know for a fact she won't win. Her voice is too sweet for the kind of dirty rock that Supernova is looking for. She's a lot like Liz Phair, Nina Gordon and Poe -- hard rockin' chicks but their voice brings their rock a level down. But I love her. I hope she stays for a long time, gets signed by a big label and starts churning out record after record. Because if her version of Tainted Love is any indication of her musical tastes, I'll be buying every record she releases.

Dilana: A fantastic performer and singer. She scares me totally but she knows how to use her voice and boy does she know how to rock out. Her version of Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire was absolutel rivetting and I thought it was the best performance that night. She proved that you don't have to scream loud to rock the house. She can carry the intensity of a rock song without exploding. The intensity is that of an implosion and can be just as strong. I also love the whole Stevie Nicks outfit. She's going to last to the top 4, I'm sure.

Storm Large: Big woman, big voice, big talent. I love her but she's not a dirty rock singer. She's not Supernova but her fearlessness and ability to really carry any song she sings makes her a winner for me. Team her up with Nellee Hooper in 1 album and then Rick Rubin in the next and Jon Brion in another album and I'm telling you, I'm buying all them albums! I am definitely going to watch out for this one.

Toby Rand: Great version of Knockin' on Heaven's Door and a really kickin' version of Somebody Told Me by The Killers. This guy is definitely a winner and a great kick-ass rocker. I'll be enjoying every performance of this guy until he reaches the top 3.

Lukas Rossi: I don't like him. He's taking the whole rocker thing too seriously and he's too confident. My problem is: he's a fantastic singer. He's got this great voice, fantastic intensity and he really knows how to control and restrain and then explode. The guy is good and I won't be surprised if he makes it to final 4 and might even win. If not, he's going to make some real good records.

Dana Andrews: The girl has a fantastic and powerful voice. Amazing voice! Unfortunately, the girl is no rocker. She's as much a rocker as Britney Spears is when she sang I Love Rock and Roll; you may honey, but rock n' roll sure don't like you. In fairness, I did like Britney's version of that song but it wasn't a rock song. Dana Andrews can sing but she isn't a rockstar. She'll make it as a pop-rock princess but she really needs to get down and dirty if she wants to get far in this competition.

Patrice Pike: Patrice Pike is good. She's really good. But I don't remember her. She isn't outstanding. She doesn't stand out against the others. She's going to have to really break it through because she just gets swallowed up by the intense performances of the others. She's going to have to step it up if she's going to be noticed or remembered.

Josh Logan: He may have a great voice but I can't understand anything he says. And what the hell?!?! He's doing the whole soul thing and forcing the issue when Supernova is going to be a kick-ass, dirty rock band and there's no way he's going to make it. Like Jay said, he has this whole boy band vibe going on. Give me a break!

The others don't really evoke a strong emotion in me to talk about them except for the fact that Jill Gioia screamed her way through Violet and I love Courtney Love and she really ruined that song. She acts like a pop-tart and how dare her not own up to the fact that she was trying to copy Courtney Love. What kind of rocker is she that she doesn't know what the hell Courtney Love is doing and to say that she didn't care what Courtney Love is doing. You don't care? Courtney Love is a fucking rock goddesses! Be humbled, Jill, you are not in her class!

posted by wanggo @ 5:22 PM 3 comments

The State In-Between Hopeful and Jaded

Chicane from Stoned in Love (written by Nick Bracegirdle, Ray Hedges, Tom Jones, John Pickering, Nigel Butler)
You're stoned in love but not with me

Good luck, cause we're not feeling stoned in love
It's how I'm feeling now
I feel the love is made of stone
We're not feeling stoned in love

I just have to say that my current favourite song of the moment is Chicane's Stoned in Love featuring the amazing Tom Jones on vocals. What an amazing track! It's catchy, it's powerful and intense and it sure makes me dance and sing along. I can't get it out of my head.

Of course, I'm still not sure exactly what it means but I'm sure it's about realising that the relationship isn't working out. I don't know why stoned in love if that has any meaning towards being stoned, as in having taken weed and if that's a good thing or not. But definitely, with the words you're stoned in love but not with me means that they aren't giving the love to each other now, are they?

I have to admit, letting go of certain things made it easier for me to just be happier. I thought letting go of my conservative view on casual sex would lead me to stress about it less and while I have found myself not obsessing about love or intimacy or relationships, the search for gratification, whether permanent or temporary is just totally not within my capacity as a human being to deal with or figure out. I just don't know how or why it is so easy for other people. I can't figure it out at all!

So while I'm still open to the idea of casual sex, just so that I don't stress out on it anymore, I am, once again, letting go of picking up people on-line. The pay-off is just not worth it. It's not what I'm looking for.

I'm somewhere in that state between love and indifference, that state in-between hopeful and jaded. I'm in that space between all fed up and wanting more.

It's gonna be hard, really, since I don't go out anymore. There was that one instance where I really wanted to go out and stuff but it's gone now. It will be awhile before I'll have that rush to go out again. I don't know how I'm suppose to meet new people, especially if I prefer to spend my time at home or at Jay's or hanging out with the Planetzips crew during classes (which I haven't been attending because of the rains and being under the weather and all).

I don't know where I am right now, in terms of wanting or not wanting a relationship. I'm not obsessing over it, which is good. I'm not closing my doors to it, which is good. But despite being in a good place emotionally and mentally, how come I feel that this is all not good.

I don't know what I need. I don't know what I want. I am at the crux of change. I thought I had changed already but I realise I'm still at the stage of transformation. I'm still inside the chrysalis. I have yet to free myself of the cocoon.

I know this is a good thing but I'm scared of what will be revealed.

posted by wanggo @ 8:02 AM 0 comments

Why I Can't Be Superman

Tori Amos from Your Cloud (written by Tori Amos)
Do you think just like that you can divide this
You as yours, Me as mine to before we were Us

There's also another reason why I found myself drenched in tears as I got home after watching Superman Returns last night. I didn't want to talk about it because I might end up spoiling the movie for others. So if you don't want to know certain things about the movie and have plans to watch it, then maybe you should skip this part all together.

And yeah, this get a little dramatic.

In my last entry, I talked about a selfish thing that Superman did. You were probably wondering what the hell I was talking about, right? Well, in my opinion, he disappeared for 5 years to try and find his home planet of Krypton when Astronomers found remnants of it in space. He just left and didn't even say good bye. Then he returns and expects everything to be as they were. He didn't realise that Lois Lane would have a child and would be living in with a good man. It pains him. It drives him insane with guilt and jealousy and regret. That is actually what I liked about the film -- the humanization of Superman. I could finally relate to him as a person.

BUT I did not appreciate him flying to her and trying to get her back on the rooftop of the Daily Planet. I do not appreciate his attempt to win her back, to find out if she'd say it, that she loved him. Taking her in a flight over the city and trying to romance her with the idea of who he is. That was just plain selfish. He cannot leave and expect to come back and erase 5 years of people's lives moving on, going on. That's just plain unfair. Yes, he may have given everything he has to the world -- saving it and making it a safer place to live in. But that's the sacrifice he chose to make. And while the world can be thankful for it, he cannot expect the world to stand up and wait for him when he just goes off to do something for himself. Not if he didn't ask the world to wait.

I ended up crying because I empathized with Lois Lane at that moment. To be in love with someone who is neither there nor away. That person just suddenly ups and leaves without saying good bye and then you are, waiting, wondering and hoping. 5 years past and you move on with your life and you just have to keep moving on and you can't look back because if you do, you will never be able to let go.

And then one day, that person returns and still, that person doesn't tell you what that person wants. I don't blame Lois Lane for expecting/assuming/thinking that Superman was going to ask her back; not that he ever told her that he wanted her too. That is so unfair. Now that she's moved on, found someone good. Maybe Richard (played by James Marsden) can't fly on his own or can lift airplanes and boats or can repel bullets with his body; but he's a good man who really cares for her. He should have very much well left her alone. He made his decision and she made hers and he should've respected both decisions.

I cried because I felt that way. Someone who just left and came back when that person felt like it. There was no care or consideration at all for how I felt. Well, that's what I think. There wasn't even a good bye.

Maybe I am over-dramatizing this or reading in too much into the movie but it struck me on that cord. And yes, maybe later on, I did feel sorry for Superman because he was raised to use his power for the sake of mankind. He was raised and told to take care of people and be a beacon for mankind, to be their guidance to show them that they can be good. In exchange, he gave up a chance to live a normal life. That sucks be he didn't have to choose it. He didn't have to live it and maybe the world will be a darker place without him; but we cannot demand that from him. We can't demand anything from anybody.

His happiness or everybody else's? I wouldn't have the strength to make the selfless choice. So, yeah, I applaud the idea of Superman. I salute the idea of a man who can give up his own happiness for everybody else's. But don't take away someone else's because you didn't get what you want.

We all make our bed and we all have to sleep on it. That's what I believe in.

posted by wanggo @ 4:44 PM 2 comments

Being Superman

From Grey's Anatomy
The upside to free falling is that it gives your friends a chance to catch you.

I decided to watch a movie today. I mean, I think I'm the only person in Manila who has yet to see Superman Returns and that's kinda sad. I mean, I already missed Mission Impossible 3 and I heard that its loads of fun. I didn't get to see a lot of films and that just ticks me off. So I found myself with time on my hands and decided to watch Superman Returns.

And yes, I will reiterate, I don't mind watching movies alone.

So I sit down and the movie starts and in the first 30 minutes of the film, I'm finding it really slow. Naturally, I cry at the scene Clark Kent/Superman has with his mom. I'm a sucker for good family bonding moments and Eva Saint Marie (I think that's the actress's name who played the mom) was just amazing. I felt her fear and worry and concern and love in such a short scene.

Movie plays out and I'm slowly starting to enjoy it more. I like seeing Superman humanized in such a way that he becomes real to me. He's not some epitome of goodness. He feels regret, he understands that he made a mistake. He does a selfish thing. And I was so unimpressed with Brandon Routh from the interviews, the trailer and the articles about him but I was charmed by his portrayal of the Man of Steel. He was actually good.

It was great to see Superman a little flawed, human and capable of a little selfishness. There was a moment I hated him, empathizing rather strongly with Lois Lane. And then, when tragedy strikes at Metropolis and he goes off to save them, person by person, tragedy after tragedy and the hero shot, Superman carrying a huge construct of a planet just as it is about to land on some unfortunate pedestrians, he floats down to put it safely out of harm's way, I just begin to cry. I sob. A hero, selflessly giving up precious moments of time that he could have for himself, has no time for his own desires. He watches it simply trickle out of his hands like water.

Superman has no time for his own desires. He lives for us. And I was angry for that one little selfish act that he did, when his whole personal life slips from his hands, I blame him for that one moment of desire. Oh yeah... Boy was I feeling small at that moment.

I get home after the movie and as I sit on my bed to take off my shoes, I begin to cry. I just start sobbing. I just can't stop the tears from falling; not that I want to anyway. A good cry is good for you, I think, every once in a while. Submit to the feelings, accept the pain and ride it, so that it can't consume you later on or hit you when you're not expecting it.

I guess I was crying because deep down inside, I want a hero. It could be anyone really, to just come here and fix all my problems away. I made a mistake. I made a couple of really stupid mistakes and I find myself starting from scratch, paying off debts, trying to work things out and trying to pick myself up from where I dropped myself. It's not easy. It's really hard. And I just wished someone would just come in and take over, you know? Someone would come and just say, Everything is going to be okay.

I guess, I thought, it was okay to make grave mistakes at 21, 22, until you're 25. I mean, I got it all figured out at 25: I got 2 jobs that didn't conflict, gave me tons of money and I was just working 3 to 4 times a week. I was having loads of fun while honing my craft and making a name for myself. And then everything disappeared and I just couldn't get back up on my feet again. It took me 2 years and a lot of adjustments and then when I thought I got it all figured out, I leapt and fell flat on my face, down a crevice I didn't know was there.

I'm tired. 2 years of trying to get things right. Trying to get back to that pinnacle that I was in. I got myself there and I can't seem to get back. The road is different now. I've lost the way.

I made my own mess and I have to clean it up. I don't know if I have the strength to do it alone. But I have to because I'm not the kind of person who can ask someone to give up anything for me. I could never. I never made any demands from anyone.

But my friends have all been terrific. Jay and the gang, the Planetzips crew, Berna and Michap and Lance and DC and the rest have all been so supportive. My family still cheer me on and hope for the best. They might not take away my problems or solve it for me but they are there, every step of the way. So maybe they aren't made of steel and they can't move faster than a speeding bullet. So they won't give up their lives for me (and I wouldn't want them to) but they are there and that's all I can really ask for, anyway.

So I gotta be my own Superman and I don't know how to be that strong. But I got to try. After all, one must jump again and again if one is to fly. And if I fall, my Superfriends are going to be there to help dust me off, fix any of my many broken bones and watch me jump again.

posted by wanggo @ 2:01 AM 0 comments

all vegetable like

from Harold and Maude
Vice... virtue... it's best not to be too moral, you cheat yourself out of too much life... aim ABOVE morality.

Getting back on track, at least. I did disappear all weekend but I had no pressing deadlines and I really needed it. I stayed home all of Wednesday and Thursday just working and I'm guessing, at one point, when you work at home, the desire to get away from work also means the desire to get away from the house. After all, if I want to unwind and get away from work, and I work at home, it only means that by staying home, I'm just reminded more about the stuff I want to get away from.

So last weekend, I hung out with a friend and didn't come home until Monday. I just turned to jello and didn't get up from where I was. The furthest I ever went was to stand up and go to the bathroom. That was probably it.

It was nice to just sit around and be all vegetable like for a while. No pressure and no expectations. Just lying down and watching television or DVDs.

Now, I'm all so ready to tackle work and to just throw myself at it, you know? I really feel re-charged.

posted by wanggo @ 4:05 PM 1 comments

Quite a Lot of Sleep

As texted to me by my Dad
It's not the letting go that hurts, it's the holding on.

I woke up at quarter to 3 in the morning last wednesday and stayed up all day working. I was in front of the computer the majority of the day just typing away. I was so sleepy by 8pm but I stayed up to continue downloading some files I needed to research on for another project coming in and when it finished at 9pm, I went straight to bed.

I thought I was going to wake up in the morning and I did, I woke up at 7:30am awhile ago but the sun was just peaking through the clouds and it was so nice and chilly that I grabbed the blanket, wrapped myself up in it and then caught a bit more Zzzs.

I woke up at 12 noon. So I'm so refreshed, and to ensure that there's no more catching Zzzs, I took a cup of coffee after lunch. That was so much time wasted.

Now it's going to be a full day of work and I have no excuse for exhaustion or lack of sleep. Work, work and work. My mind is going to be so focused.

Now, if only the client sends me the stuff I need to start writing my scripts, everything should go like clock work today...

posted by wanggo @ 12:47 PM 0 comments

new hair

Edgar Wallace
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.


I just love my new hair. It's short enough so I can see my face and it doesn't get in the way but it's long enough that I can play around with. I love it! I love it!

posted by wanggo @ 11:40 AM 1 comments

A New Burning

Wong Kar Wai
You can never compete with the past, with memory. We love what we can't have and we can't have what we love.

It's a slow start but things are getting better. Work is coming in and they're prepared to pay, unlike my former employer of 3 weeks, who finds every excuse to delay my payments making things difficult for me to pay my bills. I'm getting really angry at them and ready to start some smear campaign -- but that's bad, I know and there are better ways of channeling my anger. I just can't believe how some people can try their best to get away with not paying. The whole concept is foreign to me. I mean, everyday, we go through life paying for things immediately as we purchase them. And in this industry, they get to have work done without downpayment or not even paying anything and then take whatever time they want to pay. Can you imagine going to a restaurant, ordering food and eating and then paying 2 months later? I can't.

Well, this is starting to sound like my older posts, the ones I hated writing so often, so I'm moving on.

I've really changed, though. The fire that was burning brightly within me before, years before, was a bright red, maybe even bright orange. Now, I feel, the fire that burns inside me is of a different colour. I feel that the fire burning inside me is coloured blue. It's not as bright but it burns just as hot. I feel a lot less haste or rush now. I've lost some of my spark and edge; the sharpness is gone. What replaced it was something very cold, very calculating, a little detached but more observant, more cautious. I'm scared because I don't know yet the intensity of this new burning. I'm no longer bustling energy, no more brightly burning. It's heat, concentrated, much like a laser.

When I work now, it's less hyper-active energy, less zeal. There's more thinking through things. It's kinda weird since this is the way I work. It's changed and I don't know how to deal with it. It's like having to learn how to walk again because you've got a different set of legs. My center of gravity is gone. Gotta learn to live with this now.

posted by wanggo @ 3:16 AM 1 comments

Cutting Off the Last 2 Years

Mark Twain
The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.

Got my haircut today. I wish I still had my old phone so I could've taken a picture of my new haircut which I totally love. My friends helped arrange a haircut with Geoff Simpson, probably one of the best hair stylists in the country. My friends Len and Che insisted I do a Patrick Dempsey haircut from Grey's Anatomy, our shared obsession and I conceded. BAM! Geoff did a coup and it looks fabulous and I'm extremely happy with it.

There's something to be said about not having all that weight around my head or the pressure of having to pony-tail my hair back tightly. I love this feeling of being so free, to run my hands through my hair and it doesn't take more than a second to do so. There's something to be said about seeing my face and not having to constantly brush my hair out of the way. I never realised how hassle free having short hair was (or is it 'is?'). Actually, it's not that short -- it's long enough to play with and style and do stuff with it. It's just not long enough to be a hazard.

No more pony-tails, no more head bands, no more caps or bonnets. Sweet.

I thought it would be tough to let go of 2 years of hard-work. Growing my hair was an amazing feat of willpower on my part. There was the awful awkward period where people were telling me constantly how bad I looked. Everyday I wanted to have it cut but restrained myself. Then when it was a certain length, I started receiving much compliments for it. They said it gave me character. Then it reached a point where it was just too long and I had to do something about it. But that was 2 years of growing my hair! Could I just cut it all off, just like that?

I did. And I'm happy about it. Jay said something awhile ago. It was meant to be a joke but it meant something to me. He smiled as Geoff began cutting and he said, that's 2 years of your life your cutting away, Wangs. I don't know how happy that statement made me. Yes, I did enjoy the 2 years I spent with NMI and the friends I've met there. In those 2 years, I had the unbelievable fortune to become close friends with people like Berna, who means the world to me. I was able to give all of myself to a company and to a product that I believed in. But those 2 years also was a period in my life I can't seem to bring myself to let go. I want to move on from it. I've changed again. I've hit rock bottom and I'm moving up and if that means the hair that it took me 2 years to cut has to go, then it has to go. I always make symbols up from what's going on around me to help force myself to accept the need to change.

So I'm going to change and accept it. Submit to it. And I'm going to enjoy this new hair style for until it grows again...

posted by wanggo @ 2:44 AM 0 comments

Adjustment

Marlene Dumas
L'art ne motre pas du doigt, il n'est pas au service du bien. (Art doesn't point fingers nor serve 'the good.')

My Saturday was pretty laid back and chill. I watched television then had dinner with my bro and then we watched movies -- Underworld 2 Evolutions and Alone in the Dark. We weren't expecting much from either and while the latter movie was worse than we thought, the former was actually quite fun. I guess it had a lot to do with already lowered expectations but this movie was much, much better than the first installment of the series. Kate Beckinsale looked really good and the fight scenes were really well done.

After the films, I went to sleep because I had to drive my Dad to the airport and then I went back home to sleep again. I was suppose to go with my brother to Shangri-La to just walk around and bringout little baby Eve but they woke up late, were rushing and failed to wake me, so I was late for zips class. I zipped and taught and then Cat and Migui and I went to eat at Dencio's were we had a couple of beers and then went home.

My weekends have become very chilled lately as compared to my weekends of years before. I'm getting comfortable with the way things are now. I'm beginning to see how I've changed and what that means in terms of what is going on in my life and how I'm affected by the world. I guess that is something you have to go through every 6 to 10 years. You change. That's inevitable, or the world changes around you and you have to be in a constant state of adjusting to these changes, be it from you or from the world.

So don't get stuck to one frame of mind. After all, that's kinda boring.

posted by wanggo @ 11:27 PM 0 comments

Going Out

Colin Higgins
Much of the world's sorry comes from people who are this yet allow themselves to be treated as that.

For the first time since, I don't know, 2004 maybe? Yeah, for the first time in a long time, I really felt like going out and dressing up and being seen. I don't know what it was, really. It was just the whole vibe of the moment, of my Friday. I didn't feel rushed or pushed around or whatever. I even got an invite and was put on the guest list at this party. So it seemed everything was pointing towards this feeling of going out, which I haven't had in 2 years.

I really thought I had just grown older. I guess, there are moments when you just want to feel young again. I don't know.

So I dressed up nicely, met up with my friends and we went out. I had a screwdriver (that's orange juice and vodka, right?) and later on 1 beer and that was it. I didn't dance at all and we pretty much just hung around and talked. Didn't stay at the club for too long. Preferred to stay at Cuisine where we saw Mitos and Kate and just blabbed.

I saw a lot of friends, some from high school which was a shock for me. I was feeling fine despite not doing stuff that I always did when I'm out. We left early, around 2:30am after a fantastic breakfast at Cafeteria and was asleep by around a little past 3am.

And I had a great time. I felt good, I felt like I looked good. I got to talk and hang out with my friends. I was able to unwind and though I didn't dance or drink a lot (not that I can anymore), I had a great time.

Yeah, I guess I am older now.

posted by wanggo @ 8:38 PM 0 comments