Indulgence

Consumer Therapy

from The Elephant Vanishes by Haruki Murakami (translated by Jay Rubin)
A kitchen probably does need a few things more than it needs unity. But those other elements are things you can't sell. And in this pragmatic world of ours, things you can't sell don't count for much.

Payday finally came and while I start slowly to pay off little debts that have been accummulated; I think of the CDs I'm going to buy and the much-needed haircut that has been waiting for me. This is really a material world, after everything is said and done. I really admire people who follow Buddhism and who can say fuck it to all the material things in the world. A simple life is a lot harder than you think. It takes a lot of re-programming and it takes a lot to just let go of the things that makes this world a little more bareable. (I think I spelled that word wrong, argh!)

A new CD makes life easier for me. If I could just hole up in my room for 40 minutes or 1 hour and just listen to good music, I can just slowly let go of all my frustrations. I get lost in a sort of fantasy-world that I create in my head; or some times, I don't even think at all. I just sing along to the music and just forget there is a world outside that of my room and the music. Completely relaxing, music and it's just an amazing medium.

I like buying clothes. There's an exhiliration of finding a really good shirt or a great pair of jeans in some bargain market. If you can find a really cool pair of pants or a great shirt that fits just right in the department store or a discount store or a thrift shop, my God! That's just a little piece of heaven right there. Buying a shirt that looks great on you and paying 1/4 the cost if you were to buy it at some original brand named store is really an amazing feeling. To know that you don't have to spend much to get quality stuff is pure joy.

Eating is also a marvel. Once in a while, I would spend a little over double my usual budget for food on one meal because it is good to spoil yourself (and your palate) every now and then. Food is a metaphor for life. If you know how to indulge yourself every once in a while, it shows you know how to indulge yourself in life every once in a while. And it is also great to find a great new restaurant or to try some new kind of cuisine. Like, how often does one eat in a Persian restaurant? Or, try out a restaurant like Ziggurat in Makati where they serve Middle Eastern, North African and Meditterenean delights. Exploring different tastes give you a sense of innocence, can bring you to a sort of return to youth where everything is fun and new. And there is just so much joy in the act of eating and eating well.

Books are great, though I've always found myself hesitant in buying a new book in fear that I'd be severely disappointed. I'd rather buy a book that comes highly recommended or borrow it first and if I enjoy it, then buy my own copy. It is horrible to buy a book that you can't/don't enjoy. It just sits there, slowly turning yellow and just wastes away. But when you do buy a book, out of a whim and you find that it tickles you at the right spot and moves you in ways you don't understand, then it's like finding some buried treasure and you feel so rich. Now, that's a gamble worth trying out once in a while.

Yeah, it's consumer therapy. Buying little bits of happiness just to get by the stressful day-to-day that can wear you down to half your size. But hey! What's the point of accummulating so much wealth if you ain't going to make your life better? Most of my money goes to sustaining my existence and place in this world anyway, what ever is left over should be able to make existing worthwhile, right? It's not as if I've got a family to take care of at the moment, right? And so if I decide to spend my money on myself, that's my perogative.

posted by wanggo @ 5:09 PM 1 comments

summer's peak

Oprah Winfrey
I don't believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process.

I feel like the God damned witch from The Wizard of Oz. I'm fucking melting in this God damned heat. I feel like I'm in a freaking furnace. Is this what hell is going to be like? Because if it is, I'm not that excited of taking over from the Devil.

The heat is so enervating, sapping all my strength, I'm like so lacking in interest to do anything worthwhile. In fact, I don't even have the energy to fix the previous sentence; I know it is grammatically wrong. It's just that I have no desire, right now. It's just so freaking hot.

So despite the fact that I may want to write about certain things -- my imminent departure from my independence and that I'll be moving in with my brother soon, or the sudden perkiness that seems to have assaulted my being or the fact that I'll be going wall-climbing again next week and will be pursuing ultimate frisbee very soon; I just have no care.

I'll write here tomorrow when it isn't so hot...

posted by wanggo @ 7:46 PM 1 comments

watch where you're going

Lisa Marie Presley from Important (written by Lisa Marie Presley & Cliff Magnes)
Please get out of my way
I don't like fucking waiting
You need to bring me my food first
I'm not the one you want to starve

I was walking all over the city today. Going from one job to the next, getting things done and I started feeling good about myself, like I was becoming productive again, that things were getting better because I've been feeling down about my productivity at the office. All my complaints have been affecting my work. I feel like I've been under-performing. And there's no excuse for that. No matter how burned out you are, you do not under-perform. Get someone to substitute for you or something, find the energy somewhere but get your act together. Be a professional.

Watch where you are going. You can see all the signs if you look ahead and keep your eyes open. You can't afford to get caught off guard. Not when there's so much on the line.

With all my work in Makati done, I walked all the way to the MRT station so that I could make my way to Quezon City for my work here in GMA. You know what I noticed? Tons of people walking and not caring what's ahead of them. They swing their arms with their big bag of purchases, not caring that it is going to hit anybody; they think they own the fucking road and that people should move aside for them.

One woman was walking and she was looking all over the place except forward. There were two men walking just a little bit behind her to her right and on her left was a tiny space before the wall. We would've rammed into each other if I didn't go flat against the wall just so that we wouldn't collide. When we brushed against each other, she looked at me as if I was at fault. If the bitch had been looking ahead like she should have, we would've avoided such a situation. What if I was like her and walking aimlessly, head above the clouds? We would've bumped into each other and I swear, she would've hurt more than I would have...

Watch where you're going...

In the MRT, a man got on at Boni station with a bag full of tarpolenes. The MRT was practically empty since it was merely 2 pm. But he decided to stay right at the door, considering that the next stop would be Shaw station where the doors open at the same spot as the Boni station. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he'd be getting off there but no. The idiot just stands there, right at the door as it slides open and I can't get down. I was about to lose my temper when this man with braids in his hair and wearing a sleeveless basketball jersey began berating him. The man looked pissed as he dragged his heavy load out of the way. The damned train was practically empty. He could've moved comfortably at anytime. But no, he wanted to stay there.

He better watch where he is going and where he decides to stop. Annoying prick.

Sometimes we have to make decisions and we need to use a little foresight to just ensure that we be considerate to all the people concerned and involved. We should just watch where we are going; keep our eyes open and we will see the signs.

We are not alone in this world. We don't know who we are going to be bumping into, after all. As any one person makes his entrance, someone is bound to make his exit. I learned that at an early age and I was pretty much sheltered and protected as a kid; I'd think everybody else would be as open-minded...

posted by wanggo @ 5:59 PM 4 comments

Onion Boy

Holly Cole from Onion Girl (written by L. Harding and J. Hull)
I'm naked, shameless and peeling back the layers
Like an onion girl
Don't try to save me
Just stay away
Because I might make you cry

Paraphrased from a conversation from last night: I'm a drama queen and I'm self-centered and self-absorbed. I can talk for days and I am my own favourite topic. I can talk about myself for days.

Paraphrased from another conversation from last night: I'm not a player. I'm very transparent and honest. I know exactly what I'm getting myself into and I let them know what they're getting into. It's just sex. It's basic and primal and carnal. I want to keep my distance after. No one wants to be reminded how carnal they become. It's them who get attached. So if that makes me a man-bitch, so be it. At least I was honest from the very start.

It's easier for me, I guess, to segregate people into particularly categories. After all, I can't possibly indulge everyone, right? And I can't possibly spend an equal amount of time with everyone and not that I would want to. I would like to spend more time with family but find myself allowing that time to be eaten up by work. I do so enjoy my friend's company; after all, they were chosen for the very fact that we connect on similar interests. We engage with each other in the terms which we both choose.

So I suppose it may have been a mistake to get to know people on-line. But can I really be faulted for not being as intimate and personal as they want me to be? And just because I answer all questions honestly, truthfully and as forward as I do, it's not some form of invitation to my life. It's just the way I am. I'm a very open-book sort of person. I'll tell you on the on-set what it I'm all about. And I like to engage in the getting to know you blah-blahs with strangers because there is always that level of mystery. Like onions, you start peeling back the layers and seeing what the insides are made of. Does that mean I lead people on? I hope not.

Paraphrased from a conversation from last night: Sorry, I don't want to meet with you.

Painful, I know but I'm not the kind of person who can please everybody. In a way, I've begun to learn that important lesson of saying no, in efforts to save myself precious time; and in all honestly, to save the other person precious time as well. After all, when I'm not in the mood, I can really turn a fantastic moment into something quite akin to a nightmare. It's just the way I am.

I keep telling everyone that I'm not looking for a relationship. That all the mental and emotional stimulation, I get from my friends and family and colleagues. In a way, that's why I engage in casual sex, to get the physical intimacy that is lacking in the over-all scheme of my relationships. If that makes me a shallow person, then so be it. But there are people out there who want just that and so, the end result? I don't think I'm harming anyone. Everything is made bare and all the cards have been dealt, face-up. I'm not screwing with anyone's head or heart. So, in a way, I can't stand that assesment and judgment from people I've just met regarding my character. I'm much deeper and complex than you'll ever suspect as I can be as shallow and superficial as everybody else.

As I have said before, don't put me in a box. I won't be able to fit it in. Trust me. My very nature, as a person, will force me to do things out of character just to make that statement true.

So yeah, I maybe someone who needs taking care of but remember, I'm tougher than most and I'm pretty much set in my ways. I love my freedom and I will respect and honour yours. I will make you cry. I can make it worth it but I demand you work for it, if that's what you want. This is a declaration to no one in particular.

I'm not an easy person to be with, you can ask my friends and family, they'll tell you but I do have my shining moments. I'm a better friend than a lover. You got to be as tough as I am and just as complex. That's why I'm not looking. That's why I will no longer hunt.

This is a declaration to no one in particular. Let it be heard.

posted by wanggo @ 3:01 PM 0 comments

holding breath

Milla Jovovich from Reaching From Nowhere
What if we decide to break these walls
This from me, the Builder
Can we give this love a fair chance?
And only cease when it fades

And just when things start to seem like it's going better, horizon is starting to gain shape; life is starting to get a little easier, I start remembering some people I have long tried to forget. They keep coming up, sprouting from some coloured box like this jack-in-the-box and surprising me. It's a little annoying.

But I will admit, it makes fabolous little fantasies. These stories that pop up in my head are just so wonderful. The stuff of great literature, maybe or fantastic scenes for movies. It feeds my over-active imagination on the many possibilities.

How does one really move on? If only there was some textbook...

But things are looking up and I think I'm getting through the worst. I can see the avenues that have begun to pop up which will help me out of all the little knots that have begun to tie themselves before me. It requires more work but that I don't mind. All the creases and folds are just getting ironed out and soon, I'll be okay again. I'm just waiting for the go-signals and then I'm off.

I just have to hold my breath until Friday and then let it all out in one long exhalation (if there's such a word). Just make it until Friday and then I'll be fine.

I got to stop complaining. I'm becoming a drag and I forgot how totally inappropriate it is to talk about your financial troubles so openly. It's such an unsophisticated thing to do. I was raised better. My life is such an open book. I always felt that transparency was better, in the long run. But then, some people shouldn't have to be bothered by certain aspects of your life.

Learn restraint. If you have to apply it to your art, you can apply it to your life, right?

posted by wanggo @ 10:58 PM 0 comments

S.N.A.F.U.

Beth Orton from Concrete Sky (written by Beth Orton and Johnny Marr)
And there's a concrete sky
Falling from the trees again
And you know why it's not coming round too soon
It's harder than a heartbreak too
It's tough enough what love will do

My good friend and colleague here at the office just let out a shout and walked off and went home. She was off all day but not one to leave prematurely. No matter how bad the day gets, she is always efficient and professional. Something else must've gone wrong in the office.

I've been here for 6 months and I still haven't been requested for a computer. Some new writers have arrived and they already have their terminals and I'm still squatting around other people's machines and working at off hours just to be able to make my deadlines. One of the reasons why I choose to work at night. No one to compete against in terms of computer use and without distractions, I tend to work faster.

Now, it just won't work. With new systems and organizational structures being put up, somethings must be done at a particular time -- for efficiency's sake. So now, I need a computer and they are going to make the request only now.

My fault, I guess for not being more assertive. I was hoping that the consideration of others would make up for what I lack in assertiveness. I guess I was wrong.

And now, I'm trying to attach a file into my yahoo mail and it's been attaching for the past 10 minutes. The file is barely 20k. It just refuses to attach itself. The web page just keeps attaching and attaching and refuses to get attached.

This is just getting to be a frustrating day. I remember this movie where these soldiers are on their way to a mission and all of a sudden, things go awry. One soldier shouts SNAFU. What's SNAFU asks the civilian who is with them. The soldiers reply, in chorus: Situation normal -- all fucked up.

Today is just one big SNAFU and I'm going nuts. I'm really going nuts. There's just not enough cigarettes in the world to de-stress me from this situation.

Post Script
Mr/Ms Anonymous who commented on my last entry, thank you for letting me know I still have accounting to settle with Press. It's been a while since I last wrote for them. I didn't think there was still anything to collect. I'll call them up tomorrow. Gracias!

posted by wanggo @ 6:44 PM 1 comments

the quiet weekend

Wendy Matthews from The Quiet Art (by Mark O' Connor & Wendy Matthews)
You're not of this world, where everything is bought and sold
I have tried but thankfully I'm flesh and soul
You're just standing quiet -- another lost and forgotten art

I was expecting an extremely hectic weekend. I got myself some work for the weekend that might be able to save me from my financial troubles and, in one fell swoop, it all disappeared. Well, it didn't disappear but more like was left hanging in the air. I was told to wait for budget approvals and the like. All of a sudden, time opened up for me and I was just left in some state of confused bewilderment over what to do with the rest of the day.

There was a volleyball match in the morning which I was late for. I had arrived just as the first set was ending and so I wasn't allowed to play. I woke up late having gone home at 3:30 in the morning after a shoot. So I stayed to cheer my team on. We had lost, though. I don't know if my participation would have helped the team, I'm not really the best player during an actual game, I do okay during practice. When there's nothing on the line, I can be a pretty okay player but when the game is on, I tend to lose it. Performance anxiety, I guess...

After the game, I stayed with my team and we watched the other teams play to get our bearings on our future games. Then we ate lunch and just hung out really. Afterwards, I followed at my friend's place and we just hung out as well. It was such a lazy day that we ended up sleeping early. I guess the atmosphere and mood and the addition of the amount of work we did during the week caused us to fall into a deep slumber. The three of us friends just slept for over 10 hours. I woke up in the morning and decided to go home and do somethings ordinary and normal.

It was just a joy to have been able to sleep early and wake up while the morning had just begun. It had been a while since the last time I woke up in the morning with enough sleep; not grumpy or rushing to something that I was late for. I walked home and I began cleaning up my pad. I went swimming and did as many laps as I could. I then hung out by the pool to try to soak in some sun and read a book. Found James Agee A Death in the Family a little difficult to get myself into on such a lazy Sunday morning that I just put it down and indulged myself in some enjoyable day-dreaming.

Then I went back up to my pad, did some more exercises, cooked myself lunch and then tidied up a bit more. Afterwards, I went to my bestfriend's place to watch a whole bunch of movies. We watched Heaven, Garden State, Krzysztof Kieslowski's Blue, then I got a horrible stomach ache from eating too much chips and drinking too much softdrinks. I haven't drunk that much softdrinks in ages (I quit drinking soda after my High School graduation) and I guess I just had a little too much. I missed out on Before Sunrise which is okay and I slept a bit and separated myself from the rest while I tried to relieve myself of the gas. Afterwards, we watched Lino Brocka's Insiang and then Being Julia. We would've continued on with Vera Drake except the copy was bad and it kept pausing for a second every 5 seconds and that was kind of killing the movie's pacing which was already kind of slow. So we decided to call it a night, I went home and got some sleep.

It was way past 12 but I still managed to wake up at 10 in the morning and after my exercises, I cooked myself breakfast and prepared some sandwiches for lunch here at the office while my finances are down and off I went to work and here I am now.

It was definitely a quiet weekend spent with people I like. I did things I liked to do and/or needed to do and it was definitely relaxing and enjoyable. I'm a little re-charged. Of course, it would have been great if I had work and I was able to make a little extra cash but this way, I'm more willing to go through the day-to-day of the week which usually gets to me by Wednesday. I told a friend just a couple of minutes ago that not doing anything is wonderful if you are usually swamped with work. If you can just do nothing for one day, you can handle the rigors of the tough week ahead.

It's all about balance, really.

posted by wanggo @ 12:51 PM 1 comments

be careful what you wish for

Will Rogers
If you're riding ahead of the heard, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Sometimes, the reality is just not as good as the fantasy. Or maybe it is, but you are looking for something more. Whatever the case maybe, for someone who has a powerful and over-active imagination like I do, most of the time, the fantasy is always better than the reality.

I don't understand why I bother sometimes. It's really hope that's the killer. Despite what you see and how you feel, that instinct that it won't be what you think it would be, you still go for it because of that off-chance you might be wrong. Who likes to be pessimistic and right, right? I'd rather be a pessimistic and wrong than be a pessimist who is always right. But apparently, hope continues to force me to do things that I already feel won't be what I was hoping it would.

I can't help it, really. The fantasies I create in my head are so detailed and real. The little scenarios I play around in my mind are complete in sound, smell, feel, look, everything -- the emotions are there, the exact dialogue and I play it over and over in my head until I'm convinced that that's the way it would be if it happened. My mind is wonderfully adept at creating these little parrallel worlds. They actually exist in my head and so, deep down inside, I want it to happen and I've gained so much in terms of confidence that I can probably make it happen if I wasn't so lazy, or busy with other things or considerate of other people's feelings.

And then, there are those moments when I am not so busy and there's not much other people's feelings to consider and I don't feel particularly lazy and I actually accomplish that which I wanted to do and all of a sudden, it ain't the same. It isn't anywhere close to how I imagined it would be.

And now I have these loose ends that I have to somehow fix and make better. And it is just so much hassle to have to try and return something that you've already bought. Sometimes, that object liked having been bought and wants to stay, but you don't want it anymore. How do you just let it go? Sometimes, I can be very efficient in getting what I want but not very wise.

I have to learn to trust my instincts. Trust what I feel inside. Or learn to want less. Learn to be satisfied with what I've got. Learn to really look at things. Learn how deep the water is before jumping in.

Just... just be careful of what you wish for...

posted by wanggo @ 2:48 PM 0 comments

a social musing

Eustache Deschamps
Friends are relatives you make for yourself.

With a broken body clock and awake at 8pm on a Wednesday night, I wasn't feeling all too well but suffering from a little cabin fever, so with one request from a friend, I found myself all the way to the Fort to meet up with my good friends. At Embassy, I was absolutely bored by the hip-hop music. I suppose it would have been okay and tolerable had I been feeling 100% but I wasn't and I was just being jostled and pushed and elbowed by all these people. I notice about these going out crowds, they somehow lost most of their manners. They immediately take it for granted that they will be ignored and they can't be heard so they don't bother saying excuse me or tapping the person and even motioning that they are going to be passing by. I always try and it gets results. And better yet, I don't end up hurting anybody. But drunk people, they think they have an excuse to have bad manners. It's just so dumb... Why get drunk if you lose all your manners and sense of propriety? Because it's fun they all chorus and I wonder if they have that exact same sentiment the next morning with their memory loss and their hang overs. I wonder, do they really have fun or are they just escaping some stressed out situation?

Not that I'll ever really understand.

I'm just glad that I got to see some friends I haven't seen in a long time. After Embassy, we just decided to hang out in a friend's house and just spend time together. It was just like the old days and for that moment that we were together, it felt like we were the only people in the world. The whole world outside had to stop for us. I spent another 7 years in that place for that evening and morning that we were together. I was just happy that moments like that can be shared with people and that the idea is reciprocated; we really enjoy each other's company and bouncing off ideas with each other. It's not just the fun that we share but the company.

Amazing how human interaction works. Somehow, I believe that we are really built for interaction. Humans truly are a social being. Yes, I did say before that we don't really need other people to survive. We don't really need anyone in a personal intimate level to survive. But somehow, we always seem to bloom when dealing with others. We become the best that we can be when put beside other human beings.

I'm glad for the friends that I have and the friends that have found me. We are constantly undergoing changes and so the terms in which we see each other are changing all the time. And so the conscious effort we make to see each other reminds us how important it is to see each other. We don't just leave it to one person to make the effort; we all do. All relationships are a two-way street, after all. It shouldn't be just left to one person only. When the act of seeing the other becomes too easy; it is also easily destroyed or disrupted by change. I've seen it happen with my old group of friends. We were always together and it was easy to adjust our schedules to meet up. But the moment reality hit us, grown up living and the like struck us down and we no longer had that same ease in which to see each other, we buckled down under the pressure. We saw each other less and less because it was more convenient for us to do so.

But not with these new set of friends that I have and cherish dearly. We take the time out to see each other because we want to. We want to keep that connection alive. And we also know and value the importance of space. As much as we want to see each other, if there is a need for some distance, we give it. After all, there'd be moments when we'd just be quiet because there is nothing else to talk about. We allow each other to live our lives so that there is always something to share (notice I used the word share and not say) and that we are always growing. In that way, I feel that we are growing together and we allow our relationships with each other to grow as well. And that's healthy.

And so when I do hear from my old friends and they make that conscious effort to meet up, I ensure to reserve that time for them as well. After all, all relationships are a two way street.

While it's simpler to build roads from one destination all the way to the end, maybe it's more efficient to start at both ends and end up somewhere in the middle. Or that could just be a waste of time... But then again, it's just a metaphor, isn't it?

posted by wanggo @ 12:33 PM 0 comments

everything is not okay...

Salvador Dali
Have no fear of perfection... you'll never reach it.

After a pretty good volleyball practice, I found myself meeting up with some friends. What I thought would be a chill night ended up wild and crazy when the drinks began to flow and a friend arrived, already drunk and supposed to be depressed for a relationship he was in ended. That friend was going to meet us in our friend's house to talk about how he felt, which was, I guessed, pretty bad since a relationship just ended. And then, when he arrived, he was with his lover and they were drunk and apparently, back together. Good for them. More drinks passed around and I was officially tipsy.

Hilarity ensued. It's fun to be with friends just goofing off at the privacy of someone's home and not really have to care what people are thinking or doing.

And then, my friend's lover fell asleep and couldn't be wakened, so my friend and I carried him to the bed and as I turned around, I saw my friend's ex-boyfriend, right there, behind us and my other friends at the door, mouth wide open. We were probably each other's reflection.

I swear my heart stopped for 3 seconds.

An argument sprung up and ended quickly with my friend entering the room, closing the door and going to sleep beside his new man.

Then the tears began to flow and even if I wasn't close to the ex, I was the only one sober enough to talk to him. One by one, everyone started to fall asleep and I was left alone talking to the ex. Despite that my friend is my friend and I love him dearly, I know that he is a bastard and what he did to his ex was wrong. I told his ex that. He has to move on and no matter how much you love a person, if that person doesn't want to change, you can't make them. Know your worth. It's something that is very important to me now. And no matter how much you love a person, don't let them treat you badly and don't let them walk all over you. It's not worth it.

He thanked me, wiped his tears and I gave him a hug. I told him to go home and try to find himself again. Find the strength to let go and move on. He kept stringing you along and it's not fair and it's not right and he may be my friend, but he deserves to lose you.

It is black and white and I make it gray. He's my friend but, yes, he is a jerk to his guys. That gray spot, I made it myself. I won't deny it.

After he leaves, I watch the room that was filled with so much laughter and gaiety and I start washing dishes and glasses and do some surface cleaning up. I thought it was needed, more in a figurative, metaphoric way more than anything. It got messy and it needed some fixing up. I had to inject a certain sense of poetry there somewhere.

I then had trouble falling asleep and things just went haywire. My body was rejecting me and I started to feel a little dizzy and knew, there was no way I could get to work. I went into a deep sleep at around 10:00 am when I was trying to get ready to go to work since I had a meeting at 11. My body clock is so fucked up. I woke up at 8pm. It's all my overnight work and then volleyball practice and whatnots.

It's got to end, really. I got to fix this busted up body clock and rest my body at times. Because there is no way this is going to work out for me.

No, while things are getting better, there will always be speed bumps in the way. Everything is not okay but it's just a delay to the inevitable. Patience is the key.

posted by wanggo @ 11:04 PM 0 comments

rat races

Lily Tomlin
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Been doing a lot of stuff lately, working out the kinks in the systems and now I'm going full blast on some of these new projects that I'm trying to piece together. If this works out, I'll be as busy as ever but I think I can get my life back on track, especially in terms of my finances.

I'm ready for the sacrifice. It's now or never. The year of the Rooster is said to be a very expensive year for the peaceful and passive Sheep/Goat and so I better make sure I earn enough to start a savings account. This is really important to me. It make-or-break time and I've got to make this work.

I find myself falling back into old habits and I got to stop myself. It's so easy to make the mistake of falling prey to your more primal instincts, to letting go and becoming more... I don't know the term, less ego and more id?

I haven't done anything yet but I am about to. And it scares me that I might just find myself in the same cycle from last year and that's kind of dangerous, actually. I've learned so much and grown and there's no point in going back to becoming just another rat in the rat race. We keep learning and each new lesson makes our spine straighter -- we are moving away from the bestial and more to the humane.

We got to look the part and more importantly, act the part and there is no way I am going to regress. There is no way I am going to go backwards. Gotta stay in control and hope to God that I can do this. Steel yourself, Wanggo, it's a long fall from where you are right now.

Focus on work. Be the smart rat, don't run the labyrinth, bite a hole through the ground and make your escape...

posted by wanggo @ 11:11 PM 0 comments

pressure cooker

Italian proverb
After the game, the king and the pawn go in the same box.

I've been in a quandary, as of late... Everybody has been pushing me to do something I'm very hesitant in doing. I already know that it is probably the smarter choice. It would be great for me to do so. Work less, get paid more and generally enjoy life a little bit more, maybe? I don't know...

The reason why I'm holding back is... well, it isn't fear. I've been through worse scrapes, I think. It's more like loyalty. Not loyalty to the company, mind you, though I do have a lot to be grateful for; it's loyalty to the team. The team, who in their present state really are being pummeled to death with work, can't really afford to lose another member. And we've been through this together. I've never been so happy in a working environment than here. Yeah, in The Cory Quirino Show, I met my best friend Jaypee and one of my closest friends in the world Berna but having to work with Cory herself and our producer was just God awful! And the show! Some of the things we were featuring... No, it was not all that fun. At least in TXTube, I get to do things that I like and I really do like the show. I practically helped carry the show to term, using the baby analogy. It's my baby, too. I can't just leave it. It would be too hard, I guess...

Haven't I always been thinking about myself? Does that line of thinking apply to this situation? Is this really not at all about attachments? Is this just about work and nothing more?

I feel so torn. And it is harder now, more than ever, because everyone is telling me to get out and jump ship. The pressure is on and I hate it when the pressure is on this way...

In better news, I got another modeling assignment after such a long while. A print ad, thank God! I like doing pictorials more than television commercials because I still am not comfortable with being treated like a star. I don't feel like I've earned all that pampering. I'm no star. And acting is just kinda weird when so many people are watching. The pressure is on. I hate having to flub my lines. I just ain't that used to it yet.

But pictorials are fun. You get pampered but not in a grand scale like in commercials and since there are less people, I'm not so conscious and when I'm not conscious I tend to play more and I feel more inclined to give my ideas. And I prefer the way I appear in pictures than in video. I don't know why. Something about capturing all my energy in a single frame, a single still shot. It's amazing, really...

I'll put it up here the moment it comes out.

posted by wanggo @ 1:13 AM 0 comments

no boxes

Sinead O'Connor from What Does Not Belong to Me
Take back the rage you gave me
Take back the hatred you gave me for me
Take back the anger that nearly killed me
Take back what doesn't belong to me

Just because I work on Sundays and at the oddest hours of any day doesn't mean I am deserving of pity. Just because I work 6 days a week, at times, doesn't mean I'm a workaholic. Just because I like working doesn't mean I'm all about work. I'm 26 years old, I think I'm too old to be bullied. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't be doing it. This is the life I chose to lead. I think I'm pretty happy, despite all circumstances, doing what I do.

Just because I go to clubs and dance for 5 hours straight doesn't mean I'm on drugs. Stop asking me what I'm on, I'm not on anything. You don't have to be drunk or high to enjoy going out. Don't use your standards on me or on anyone for that matter. It just won't work. Some people can enjoy just dancing.

Just because I like dressing up and looking good doesn't mean you get touching privileges. Talk to me, try and pick me up, if you can but don't squeeze my ass or hug me or tweak my nipples or I'll bite your head off and spit it out in the ditch.

Just because I like reading doesn't mean I'm a nerd.

Just because I'm getting into sports doesn't mean I'm stupid or I'm going into the health craze.

Just because I go to VTRs and try to get modeling gigs doesn't make me vapid.

Just because I am into creative writing and into art and literary and art criticism doesn't mean I'm pretensious.

Just because I can be shallow doesn't mean I can't be deep and just because I can talk about existentialism, Russian formalism and post-colonial theory doesn't mean I can't be shallow, either.

Just because I'm self-absorbed and arrogant doesn't mean I can't care for people.

Just because English is my first language and I watch art films and would like to put pomelos on my salad doesn't mean I'm an ellitist and a snob. I am an ellitist and a snob but those are not the symptoms. It's merely coincidental.

Just because I am sexually liberated doesn't mean I'm a player. I maybe a slut but I'm no player. I've always been faithful to my lovers and honest. And just because I like sex doesn't mean I'm shallow or one-track minded or evil.

Just because I took a lot of drugs in my past doesn't mean I'm an addict and I've ruined my life.

Just because I'm not religious doesn't mean I'm not spiritual.

Just because I talk to you doesn't mean I like you and vice-versa; just because I don't talk to you doesn't mean I don't like you.

Just because I'm whiny and complain a lot doesn't mean I'm not strong; and just because I sometimes seem to have it all together that it means I never falter, that I don't break.

Just because I respect you doesn't mean I like you and just because I like you doesn't mean I respect you. It's two different things entirely.

Just because I wanted you then doesn't mean I want you now and just because I don't want you now doesn't mean I won't want you in the future.

Just because I'm not there doesn't mean I don't want to be there and just because I'm somewhere doesn't mean I want to be there.

What you see is only what you see; there are infinite truths and possibilities that you cannot fathom at any one given time. It's okay to be judgmental, but it's a bad thing to act on it when you don't know the whole truth. Truth is, you will never be able to grasp anything in its entirety, because even if you do have all the information, by the time you get it, your subject has already undergone some changes. Nothing stays the same.

Don't put anyone in a box. Don't put me in a box.

The only person I know who willingly allowed people to put him in a box was Houdini, and he did this to get out of the box he was put in.

The other people I know who are put in boxes are already dead. They can no longer change and you can put them in that box and grasp the entirety of their being because they can't add anymore to their existence; they can no longer surprise you.

But even we know that isn't entirely true, either.

posted by wanggo @ 6:14 AM 3 comments

strange days

Tori Amos from Talula
Say good bye to the old world

I got home at 4 in the morning and took my shower and went to bed. I had 5 hours of sleep to steal before I went off back to the office and join the first competition of the company's inter-departmental sportsfest. This is what all that training was for, after all. So sleep, I did and I made sure I walked from Starmall to my pad so as to ensure going to sleep immediately. None of that, lying in bed in the dark waiting for slumber to come.

I was awakened at 8:30 in the morning by the ringing of my telephone. I picked it up and a friend I haven't heard from in a long time was there, all bright and sunshine in his voice. Haven't heard from him in a while. I asked groggily what's up?

I'm in the area, my friend who's condo I'm staying at is out of it. He's out of it and I'm bored and it's early in the morning and nothing in the television. Want to come over and chat?

Sure, I said and I am not sure what were my real reasons for saying that. I honestly, sincerely don't know why. So I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth and put on some very comfortable clothing and went to my friend's friend's condo.

I got in and lo and behold! There was a celebrity lying in bed, down to his jockey shorts and peaking. He was out of it, all right, completely in another dimension. My friend would talk to him and and he would just move his face towards the direction of the voice, not really responding. Now back in my wild days, I was out of it like he was. But never that out of it. I took a lot of different kinds of shit but never to the point of, I don't even know how to begin to call what he was like. Is he okay, I asked.

Yeah, he's really like that. Low tolerance. So how are you?

We proceeded to chat on the table at the side, near the window with the blinds shut. Behind us, the celebrity was just rolling in his head, lying down completely still with a pillow on his chest. Despite how weird the situation was, having just woken up, I couldn't completely grasp the surreality I was in. If I was fully awake, I'm sure I would have been laughing every 10 minutes or so, realising what a situation I was in.

After about 20 to 30 minutes of playing catch-up, the celebrity snapped out of it and realised he had to be somewhere, so my friend and I said our good byes and went our separate ways. Nice to see you again, we both told each other as he went to his car to go home and I went back to my condo to try and catch more sleep.

So I lose one hour of rest, I've done worse than just volleyball with even less sleep than that. I'd be fine.

Except I woke up at 4 in the afternoon, the game was over and we had lost by a tiny margin. I was told it was a strong team but it was a good fight. I don't think I would have made a difference, though, seeing how I'm not even part of the first 6. I know I should've been there but I did get home at 4 in the morning. Well, I'll just keep telling myself that until I believe it.

So I texted our technicians and found out there is still no space in the computer at the office so there was no point to go to the office. I have two segments to edit and write a script for and there's no space with which to do it. So, I decide to do some exercises and then walked to the mall for some stretching. Walked around and looked at what was available. Didn't buy anything, though, because of my depleted funds. No point in wasting my money on frivolous things. I can do that again in better times.

All walked out, having gone through this already weird day, I decided I'm not going out tonight and I'll just be staying home and looking through all my books to find one I haven't read yet and I'll devour that tonight. Read again like I promised myself.

On the overpass from Megamall to Starmall, I saw the same old lady who begs by the steps of the overpass. The same old lady that I used to see begging when I was still a freshman in college almost 8 years ago. She hadn't changed. The lines of her face are the same exact lines that were there when I first saw her. It was as if it were painted there, along with the dirt and the grease. I gave her a 20 peso bill hoping it would help sustain her further, give her some level of satiation through this gruelling albeit weird summer.

Weird because, after all, didn't it rain yesterday? That was really strange. It really boggled my mind.

And here I am now, writing down this entry, wondering why these little turn of events factor in to making this day a strange one. Should I be at work? I could be but there's no point. I'd just be wasting my time. Should I be preparing to go out? I could be but there's no point. I don't have the funds to and I'm not in the proper frame of mind. I wish I was at that volleyball game.

Then my brother calls me while I'm checking my mail and he's in Boracay. The lucky bastard is in Boracay and he doesn't even like the sun. He gets burned really easily and used to suffer little heat strokes back in High School during his CAT. And he's in Boracay and Mr. Party-boi me is here in Manila and been here since the year began.

Yeah, looks like I'm staying home later and just reading a book. No point in experiencing more strangeness than I can handle.

posted by wanggo @ 6:42 PM 0 comments

from Youngstar to Super

Liz Phair from Little Digger
What does it mean when something changes how it's always been?

Today (or yesterday, to be more precise) I got the last issue of Youngstar and collected my last check from them. For 2 and a half years, I've been honing some of my writing craft with that magazine. At first, I wrote generic articles, celebrity interviews written in the way the other magazine writers wrote. I was following their formula, reading other articles and seeing how the publishing world wanted their articles to read like. Eventually, I got to write for other magazines, my articles appearing in the pages of Press, Flip and Manual. I also got to publish some essays in newspapers like Today and Youngstar. Eventually, I started to adjust my voice. Youngstar, being the magazine I contributed to on a monthly basis, was the guinea pig for my "writer's voice."

When people started recognising my name as that writer; I began to slowly adapt and bring in more of my personality into the articles. I let myself become more apparent in my interviews, allowing myself to have a voice within the piece. I slowly started making my opinions regarding each subject known. I read articles from Entertainment Weekly and Details trying to grasp how the writers there add character and personality to their pieces. With the limited word count I had in Youngstar, adding my personality which would sacrifice some information about the subject became a game. Soon, it came naturally to me.

I am not sure, but in terms of magazine writing, I think my writing in the February 2005, Body Issue of Youngstar is my best work yet. It isn't literary and with such little space in which to really flesh out an article, I think I did pretty well in humanizing my subjects. I've really learned a lot about writing from my tenure in Youngstar and knowing that this is the last issue and I will no longer be writing there saddens me. It's over.

Now, I am writing spiels for my hosts in TXTube and it is a very different thing. I'm lucky to have scored a gig as a contributor for Philippine Daily Inquirer's Super, the Saturday lifestyle section. My first article, which is on my Dad, was well-received and people reacted well saying it was a good read. I hope that similar comments can be said about my up-coming article, either this weekend (later) or next week. With more space to write, I can really and try to be more in-depth with my piece and really try to bring out both my "writer's voice" and the humanization of my subject.

Writing for me, really, is a wonderful thing. Even if it isn't literary, just the idea of trying to find some level of connection between the assignment and something bigger and abstract that the readers would hopefully be surprised with when presented in my articles. I'd be happier with writing poems and fiction but there is also a joy in seeing my name in print and it's there, beside a picture of the subject. There is a connection there, between my words, my subject and the reader. It's what makes working in this job so much fun.

From Youngstar to, hopefully, more work in Super, a fresh and exciting (and rather well-read) lifestyle section on a newspaper. I have always been afraid of having my own column because I would be afraid of having nothing to write about then I take a look at my blog and realise that I can trivialise simple things and write whole entries about nothing here. Sometimes, these trivialisations lead to some larger concept and actually becomes fascinating, all by accident, and then there is something worth reading here.

I hold on to that, that I indulge myself here on this blog because, sometimes, a little stroke of magick comes in and elevates a simple ranting into something worth reading, something enjoyable and something that makes some people think.

I wrote a poem recently and it reads differently from my previous work. I have taken for granted how easy it is to put my thoughts into words. So, maybe, I haven't noticed what changed exactly in my writing style -- what the influences are and when did it happen. But it is development, it is growth.

And I can be happy about that, right? So I'm going to keep writing because it comes naturally for me and I find so much enjoyment in it and I can't do a lot of things well; so I'm going to do what I love to do and milk it for all its worth.

My Dad always told me: Don't love what you do, do what you love.

It's good advice.

posted by wanggo @ 3:24 AM 1 comments

before I forget them...

Barbie Almalbis from Healing
These aren't pains, the burdens I cradle.
They have names and now I am able
To face them, change them, or bless them...
And I thank you most
For what you did and didn't

Talk about sappy and sentimental. The previous post was just an emotional outburst for feeling like I'm slowly losing all the things that mean something to me. I watch as the carpet unravels and slowly loses its worth and value. This life I lead, is nothing like the life I've led before or any of the lives I had led before, for that matter.

And I suppose losing touch with a best friend is really the most painful thing. You can see it happening and it's scary. It's still there, everytime you meet up, everytime you talk on the phone -- the love and the care and the affection. Let's hang out or let's meet up you say but it doesn't happen as often as those words make it sound like. I'm panicking because it seems like my schedule is going to get worse and I don't want to commit when work can just take away your time in an instant. All it takes is one phone call and hours from your future can disappear, just like that!

If only I were richer and didn't have to be so unavailable. If only I was more pushy, forced myself to his side, then I wouldn't have been so distant; always waiting for him to call and ask for my company. If only I wasn't so involved with my own shit, I could be the friend he is to me. I watch the carpet as it unravels.

I spoke today, over dinner with my friends before they leave for Baguio. I said I wish I was as rich as I was last year, citing how writing for 2 shows allowed me the funds to pay my bills, go out with friends and then still have money to put in the bank. I could spend all the money I wanted, lavished myself with things and still have money in the bank for the checks to pay my cell phone bill, electric bill and the rent. And still money left over to put in my other bank account, the one I'm not suppose to touch. That account was saved up for traveling. I was suppose to go to Thailand and India with the money in that account.

That account is gone now. It went to the two months I didn't have work, when the two shows disappeared from me and I was scrambling for a job. The two months before TXTube.

My good, good friend Berna just said it's over, don't think about it anymore. Solve your problems now.

That was the life, now, wasn't it? 3 to 4 CDs a month, depending on how good the previous CD was. I could buy books and was out paying for dinner and lunch. I watched a movie in Greenbelt almost every week. I went out and danced, bought drinks and could buy drinks for strangers and the DJ, if he was good. I'd eat out almost 4 days in a week and do my laundry without having to count the days. Writing for 2 shows meant working 4 days in a week; the rest of the 3 days was spent having fun, enjoying life.

Feast to famine to feast and then famine again...

This is no declaration for my loyalty to my bestfriend. This is just some emotional howl of pain as I watch the things around me slip away... I'm sorry. It won't happen again... We move on to the next topic...

posted by wanggo @ 11:41 PM 1 comments

My Best Friend

George Santayana
To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.

I am once again getting swamped with work. It's taking over most of my time and I can already see the horizon and it's going to be flat; otherwise boring. I'm not saying that work is boring, but when I put all my focus on work, I stop interacting with my friends and I start watching less movies and maybe even read less and become an all-around boring person. Doesn't sound too good but I have no choice. The dismal state of my finances is forcing me to take more work, to get more rackets outside the unbelievable amount of work I do for TXTube. I have to sweat this one out. I want a savings account again. I want to be able to pay all my bills and never have to worry about scrambling for money again. It's the way it should be.

I fear, though, that maybe this is going to be taking time away from my friends. I was suppose to be going up to Baguio for the weekend. The out of town trip I should be taking to get away from the city. It is summer, after all. If ever, it would be my first out of town trip for this year. Can't do it. Work is taking so much of my time. If I put off the work I have to do for this weekend until I get back, there would be so much work waiting for me when I get back, it wouldn't be fair to all the people who would have to wait for me to do my part of the job because they can't begin if I haven't finished my end. At the same time, another racket just came in for Monday and putting everything off until I get back wouldn't work anymore. So I really can't go.

Problem is, my best friend gave the invite and I haven't seen good ol' Jaypee in a long while. I haven't really hung out with him as much as before. Our schedules just don't jive anymore like it used to.

I remember just going to his house when I have free time and it would just be so that he'd be free also. I'd stay at his place and we'd watch movies or just talk. Talk the whole night away. We'd talk about everything. What's amazes me is that Jaypee and I are very different people. We don't always agree on things -- people and art. Sometimes we like the same things but we don't like it for the same reasons. But despite our differences, we enjoy our company and we enjoy trying to make the other see what the other sees. I'd like to think that we admire each other because we respect each other. It's hard to find people whom you admire and respect whom you feel very comfortable with.

But as I become more and more involved with work, I find myself easily dragged to going out with my friends so I can dance away the stress and tension building in my body. Whereas Jaypee is throwing himself at work and trying to avoid an expensive lifestyle. Somehow, this year, we are at the opposite ends of the spectrum and I see less and less of him.

What differentiates this situation from all the other "best friends" I've had is that when the moment comes that we aren't spending as much time as we used to with each other I find myself gravitating to someone else. My best friend is always someone that I communicate with often. While many of these people have become close, close friends whom I am always excited to see and I still tell things to; I don't really search them out like I used to. So to speak, I've moved on.

But with Jaypee, I still feel the need to seek him out. I don't want to move on from this friendship and let it go to some state of comfort in distance. I can cry over spilt milk if I want to and I'd be devastated if Jaypee and I become that way -- friends who see each other rarely, friends who love each other dearly but see each other rarely. I am reminded of Michap and of Kate and Cathy, DC and Morx. All the love and affection is there but seeing them is out of my routine, it is a planned and scheduled thing. It isn't spontaneous and... I don't know, natural?

If only our schedules were more compatible with each other. It really gets me down thinking that he may be needing me and I am not there for him like he has been for me so many times before.

The problem may also stem from the fact that when I need someone, company or a shoulder to lean on, I seek it out. And I am easy to read. The offers always come because it is easy to see when I need solace. But I don't think Jaypee is the kind of person who openly asks for company or a shoulder to cry on. He has asked on occasion but there were times that I just knew and had to find a way to get invited; I had to break down the walls, so to speak. Jaypee is independent in a way that he won't trouble others with his troubles. He doesn't want to make himself a bother to anyone else. It's just the way he is. I am the person who never forces myself on someone if they want to be alone. I don't want to push anyone to not do things they don't want to do, especially on my behalf. I don't push because I don't like being pushed. So if he doesn't ask me, I won't go there. The last thing I need is to intrude on someone who needs time to be by himself.

I know he reads my blog once in a while, so he will be reading this one time. But this entry is more my declaration that my best friend is top priority for me. If he needs me, no matter how shallow or painful the reason, I will be by his side if I can. I've gone to work without sleep just so that I can laugh with the company of friends, I can do that for a friend who needs me there for him. This isn't just some rant. This is me saying Jayps, just say the word and I'm there.

I hope that time opens up soon for us to be able to hang like we used to.

posted by wanggo @ 7:05 PM 2 comments

apprehensions of a fall...

Tom Clancy
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

For some strange reason, despite it being the eleventh hour (again!) and we are all at the end of our ropes; the TXTube team manages to pull off another miracle shoot for our reality segment. Maybe that is why they haven't hired more people. Why get more people if the 5 of us can do the work and put out episode after episode...

I don't get it it, really. I remember this line from Thelma and Louise; it went something like this they are either really smart or really lucky, but brains can only take you so far and luck always runs out. It's bound to happen and I wonder if we will be ready for it. Can we handle failure after having been able to pull through for 6 months?

I can handle rejection. This afternoon, I was once again not chosen for another commercial. This time, it wasn't that I didn't have the look they were looking for, this time, it's just that the others were better. It was an acting thing.

I remember my first taste of rejection. I must've been 12 or 13 and I approached my Dad with 9 pieces of paper, each containing what I had thought were poems. I had just written an essay which my parents both thought was very well written. I was trying to see if I could make a repeat performance. My Dad put down his book when I showed them to him and he read them. He took his time with each one. Then he asked me, do you have this saved in a diskette? I nodded yes. He then proceeded to tear each page apart. They're cat farts, he told me. He showed me the one line, the one verse in the whole collection which was poetic and the rest he said were amateur and pedestrian.

Stick first with the essay, he told me.

A lot of people marvelled at that story and asked me if I thought it was cruel. It probably was but after that point, I can take rejection. What I liked about the situation was that he treated me like a professional, like I was capable of better. He didn't baby me. At 12 or 13, I was already taught to be the best I could be. He told me to read more poetry (not Hallmark cards) and to try and understand what is the difference between poetry and prose. He gave me specific instructions not to return with one rhymes and the other doesn't. At 12 or 13, I was taught the important lesson of standards.

I guess, after that, I could handle rejection from all things. I won't deny the fact that it hurts, it always does. You really have to learn to not take it personally. It's not you they are rejecting but the work. It has nothing to do with you. I learned that after time, studying creative writing in college. It's not you, but the work, the creative idea. And yes, you may have poured your whole heart into it but there has to be a balance between feeling and thinking in the creation of art. Feel all you want and let it all out; then let the mind remove what is unnecessary. Let the mind remove what is not art.

Yes, rejection hurts. Especially if it involves the sordid topic of love; yeah, rejection is a bitch. But it's not you, it's the situation or the match. Hey, who knows? Maybe it is you that is being rejected but it doesn't matter. If I learned anything about standards in college taking up creative writing -- everyone follows their own standard. What is good for you may not be good enough for him/her. I'm not sweating over it. No point. I can't change what he/she thinks or feels. A person's standards are the summation of all their experiences, of what they know of what is right and wrong, beautiful and ugly, valuable and worthless. They may not like me, but it doesn't mean I'm ugly or worthless or wrong. It just means they don't think so.

So if it happens and the TXTube fails for the first time; then it happens. I pick up the pieces and move on. Learn and fight for what is right. We could probably do this for another 2 months, maybe even 3. It's a pretty amazing team.

But it won't be any sort of defeat on my part, at least, that's how I think. It's not a rejection of the work, it's a symptom of their inability to provide us with what we need -- a bigger budget and a larger crew. At this point, we are bound to fail and if we fall, we will fall hard. But that is what happens. All things run out of steam and burn out.

I'll just be glad to know that I ran out and didn't leave with some fire left. I am giving it my all. And that's more than anyone can ever expect from me.

posted by wanggo @ 12:04 AM 1 comments

how long does it take for things to change?

Paula Cole from Dear Gertrude
Tell me how the story will unfold
I know you see everything
Tell me all about the torch and scroll
I know you know everything...

Yesterday found me waking up at 4pm. I can feel it now, the lethargy that comes when you aren't happy with work. I wanted to be in by 1 or 2pm. I ended up sleeping at 4 in the morning and if I woke up at 11 like I had planned, it wouldn't have been a problem. I woke up at 11, turned off my alarm clock and just went back to bed. I woke up, thinking it was 12 or 1 and started my stretching. I did some crunches and my push-ups and thought if I could get some swimming in before leaving for work. To my utter surprise, it was 5 already and was no longer in the mood to go to work.

My best friend Jaypee wanted to meet up and it was a good enough excuse to not go to work. I've clocked in so many hours anyway and I haven't spent as much time as I wanted with him these past 2 weeks. Our worlds have been forcing us to gravitate away from each other so it seems I must exert the extra effort if I am to enjoy his company again. We were there having dinner (well, I was having dinner, they were drinking) with a friend of ours, Gerard. We were just talking and catching up. So much has happened in a week and a half or 2. So many people's lives can change. It can happen in a matter of seconds. It can take 3 years. But it happens. Things change.

I've been changed by an incident that occurred in the early morning of Tuesday -- the reason why I ended up sleeping at 4 rather than 1 like I had earlier planned. A single moment that lasted not more than an hour and a half had changed me so much. A week and a half (or 2 weeks) had changed my relationship with Jaypee so much. From the closest of friends, who did a lot of things together to two close friends who spend their moments catching up. I was talking to a friend over the weekend and she was telling me how she had read a beautiful poem, so moving, that it changed her. She was different after reading that piece. That change took a matter of seconds.

Today, I interviewed an actor for a piece I'm doing for one of the more popular dailies. A newspaper article! I was in it more for the opportunity to be read by more people than the once popular actor, now gone from public eye and is trying to make a come-back. It's an interesting piece but been done before. And this actor has been in the center of the spotlight and just disappeared. The new generation probably don't even know him much less remember.

He was gone for 5 years. 5 years and the territory is new, foreign and alien to him. I should know. I've never really been part of the industry until now that I've begun working in television but I've always been at the periphery. My father is a part of that industry. It hung around the house at all times. I knew the stories and I know a lot of stories about the industry; the ones you don't usually hear.

And interviewing this actor was amazing. He left on his own accord. He wasn't some used and abused star who was spat out because he had out-lived his usefulness to the people who made him. Leaving center stage was his choice. He wanted to finish school. He was at the peak, higher than most ever get to achieve in their whole lives and he was young. He told me that his reality (or his perception of it) was skewed. He wanted to get down from the horse he had been riding and get his feet on solid ground. He wanted to know what it was like to walk like ordinary men.

And he has and he has learned and he has a family now, a view of the world the way it really is. He has become one of the people who used to admire him. The common man, so to speak. And now he feels ready to return. The love, the passion for acting, for being in the spotlight has returned. He is wiser now and wants to make the come-back few dare to try. And he's having a hard time. Everything has changed. The industry is far from what it used to be before. The competition is stiff and the industry can make stars from nobody now. They can even turn it into an event, a television show and make money out of it.

5 years. He was gone for just 5 years. He was so easily recognizable. He was everywhere and now he struggles to get back on the saddle again. He walked too long amongst men.

It will be an interesting article to write. There was no bitterness. There was no anger; not even regret. There was wisdom, acceptance and desire; not exactly longing but desire. As much as I found the actor humble, I myself was humbled.

It's been 2 years since I had written a poem. 2 years since I had written anything that resembled a good draft, a piece I could work on. I had moved to writing songs and melodies. Today, I had written one. The idea had been brewing in my mind for the past 2 days and I just let it sit there and I let it cook in the brain for a while (I never used to do that, I used to write it the moment it came) and then churned it out just a while ago. It sounds different from my other stuff, I think.

So much has changed and I don't know when to start counting. There are little bits of me that has transformed, developed and progressed in little moments and giant things that have morphed, twisted and set differently that took years. And if things keeps changing, when do you really start to count?

Tell me how the story will unfold, I know you see everything...

posted by wanggo @ 4:32 PM 0 comments

maybe a turning point?

Kelly Clarkson from Because of You (written by Kelly Clarkson, David Hodges & Ben Moody)
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

I've had a terribly hard day and despite how much easier it would be to finish all my work at the office and then run home to get some more sleep for an important thing tomorrow morning (later, actually) I decided to e-mail all the stuff to my brother's place and stop by and say hi which is my original plan.

Family is important and being the only immediate family member I've got left in Manila; it would be best to run to the comforts of home for some clarity. I spoke to him about my problems with work. And it seems that things have become clearer from talking to him. Yes, things have definitely become clearer to me.

Despite how wonderful the people are at work and how great the environment is; it's not doing me any good. I'm doing the work of segment producer and a head writer and only getting credited as a segment producer and getting the salary of a really, really cheap, third-rate segment producer. I should be getting more for the work I'm doing.

In a way, I began doing what my best friend Jaypee told me to do which is to work as hard as they pay me and since they only pay me so much, I only work so much. I spent the better part of last year realising my worth in terms of the relationships I've been getting into and forgetting that I should remember my worth all the time, in every situation.

People are asking for me, other companies, and I could be doing so much more but so much of my time is being taken from me. I could be doing so much more. Or at least, get to engage in some level of stress relief like the sports I want to get into. As of the past week, I didn't have the time to do any of it. I mean, honestly, who plays ultimate frisbee or flag football or keeps a wall-climbing place open after midnight? So, of course, I go out. And I don't want to do that anymore. It's too expensive. I don't get paid enough to go out.

I don't want to be all about the money but I am all alone now and trying to strike it out on my own. I got to live and I'm 26. I got to live the way I want to. I can afford it. I did when I was 25, why not now when I'm 26 and with more experience and training than before?

On another note, my brother and sister-in-law were finalising some steps and ground rules when I move back in with them. It will be soon. A month is not that far off, after all. I'll be taking my dad's room and I'm looking at all the closet space and getting excited in living in a furnished place again. Things not hidden away in boxes and actual shelves where I can put things in. The idea excites me.

I think being near my family and coming home to them will be good for me in the long run. Their tenderness and concern would be good for me. It will help keep me in check. I think considering the emotional rollercoaster I put myself through these past weeks, it is good to get solid ground under my feet again.

So things will be changing again. Isn't this a treat? Trials that never cease, a life being lived. Who could ask for anything more?

posted by wanggo @ 1:24 AM 1 comments

a twist and a turn...

Warren Ellis from Stormwatch #46 volume 1
But tomorrow's another place entirely, and none of our business till we get there. Live in the moment you're in.

Either there is something wrong with blogger or there is something wrong with the internet connection here in the office. Whatever the case may be, I haven't been blogging because of lack of access to blogger. It is really pissing me off.

I didn't realise how important blogging has become to me. It has become a way for me to record my feelings on a day-to-day basis since I've pretty much stopped writing on an actual journal. It's become so convenient and though I do have to hide names and particular occurrences; it serves its purpose. My state-of-mind for that moment has been given a tangible form; and one that can be commented on by others -- friends and strangers alike.

I know that in my last blog entry, I had written that I love my job. Well, things are turning around for me. Work is getting to me. The usual thing that happens. I can never really commit to anything, can I? I want to go back to the life of a free-lancer. This really, really sucks. My department doesn't have its own printer. The computer I usually use is not connected to any of the printers in the office. This morning, I arrive to prepare everything for the shoot and discover someone accidentally locked the door to the store room where the camera is located. No one has a spare key. I spent the extra hours looking for a locksmith to have the door opened. I still have 6 more scripts to write before Tuesday and I've been here for 6 months and I was promised that I'd be made regular (from probationary) and my salary would increase.

I'm just so tired. I'm out of ideas and the show has been eating my time. I've not been wall-climbing (thank God for volleyball and swimming at my condo) and I have no money to do the things I want to do or pay for basic necessities. It's either one or the other; phone bill or cell phone bill? Toiletries or my laundry? I can't stand this juggling! Last year, working on two television shows on a freelance basis made me so rich, it was sinful. Now, I'm scraping at the bottom of the barrel and still not making enough.

So I resorted to stupidity for a person at my state. I did consumer therapy and bought myself a pair of low-rise jeans. I have gotten really thin since my friend has been inviting me to go out with her and she would pay for everything; she just wanted me to accompany her. So I've been dancing twice or thrice a week. Coupled with the volleyball, it is an ultimate cardio work-out. So the low-rise jeans look fabulous on me. I have those lines in between the torso and the legs, the "pelvis line" as it is called. Paired with a great shirt that managed to emphasize my shoulders and I fixed my hair and I was feeling and looking so sexy, you could eat me raw and I'd still taste good.

I danced from 12 to 4 and was a God for those moments. I'm suffering now, with my body in pain and lacking of sleep; but who cares? It was what I needed. If the shoot this morning went well, everything would have been fine, but no... That's not what happened. It's not what usually happens, is it?

Nowadays, you have to be ready for everything and anything and nothing because it will be thrown at you when you least expect it. Life has a way of just pulling you by the edges and tearing you apart at the seams. I've been offered a lot of work outside GMA. Even MTV is interested in me because of a good reference from a friend. My eyes are still looking overseas but while I'm here, do I stick it out with my show, with the people who have gone through hell and back with me or do I go jump ship and save myself?

I'm just so tired. I'll just think more about this after some sleep...

posted by wanggo @ 2:24 PM 1 comments

a yesterday "not so ordinary"

Eric Gamalinda from The Speed of Light
One cannot stare at beauty or the sun too long.

I love my job at GMA7. They don't pay me much but I love the people I work with, I love what I'm doing and the nature of my work (media and writing and directing) and I love the show. I've been with TXTube since its re-conceptualisation and everyday since and I feel like it's my child; my child with 5 other people. I've been working since I was 14 and to find a job with these conditions is very hard and so I treasure having found a job where I really enjoy myself and I call my own time.

So to be able to afford the life I choose to lead, I also do a lot of work on the side. I do a lot of freelance writing -- writing for magazines and whatever else needs written like press materials and advertising copy. And I also got myself a talent agency to help me get some modeling work. Modeling work isn't easy but it's good money for 1 or 2 days of work. It pays well. My agency got me a commercial and a print ad before and the money was really good (and came when I needed it).

My agency got me to be a talent for this company project; a corporate account for a pictorial last Saturday for the company's manual and a video shoot yesterday for an orientation video. Both the video and the manual aren't for release. It's meant to be used for company purposes only, for the new employees. It wasn't going to make me famous but I just wanted the cash. So off I went.

My agent called it a no-brainer and that we should bring slippers, a pillow and a book. So I did as was told.

The pictorial shoot on Saturday was fun. The other talents were composed of seasoned theatre people so I wasn't bored with the conversation. The photographer, Jay Tablante, is amazing. I've worked with him before. He talks to you while working and allows you to play around so that you are relaxed with him. Then he just shoots and shoots until he gets you at your most relaxed and the shot is just perfect. It was a fun shoot.

Yesterday though was a whole different story. Our call time was at 8am and we were supposed to be done by 5pm. That was what we were told. So you should imagine my surprise when I woke up at 8am. Cursing my alarm clock which never went off, I rushed to take a shower and find a cab to get to Makati as quickly as possible. All the while, I was wondering why my agent didn't call me to ask where I was. They usually do but that wasn't their fault. This was mine so I wasn't going to make it an issue.

I arrived at 9:30 and to my shock, no one was upset and we were only beginning to put make-up. Okay. Saved by ominous reasons...

I was told we were suppose to shoot at 9am but the director was still outside preparing his shot. We were finally told to go down at 11am. We shot two sequences until 12:30pm when we stopped for lunch. After lunch, at around 1:15, I propped up the pillow at the back of my neck (so as to keep my head from turning which might ruin my make-up) and fell asleep. After 3 hours of deep sleep, I woke up looked around and found us not yet working. So I opened my book Mens Rea by Lakambini Sitoy. I read one of her short stories but Lakambini Sitoy is rather intense and I wasn't in the mood for that kind of reading so I put it down and picked up Mary Oliver's book American Primitive. I love Mary Oliver's poetry because her imagery is so beautiful and her words are so exquisite. After reading 12 poems and completely floored by her insight, I looked around and began chatting with the other talents who were still awake. When we had nothing else to say, I pulled out my cellphone and began texting people. I just wanted to connect.

The director then came in and started barking orders to the people in his crew. Get the lights in Quezon City, he said. Apparenty, the sun was setting and since all the shots had to be day shots, we were going to fake it with the use of stronger lights, which we didn't have in the set. It had to be fetched all the way at Quezon City. Afterwards, he put his head down on a table and fell asleep.

Okay...

So 6pm moved to 7pm and we were wondering what was happening. One of the talents had already left because she had to be at the airport by 6:30 to catch a late night flight to Australia. We were told, after all, that we were going to be done by 5. One of the talents that stayed walked up to the director and picked up his bottle of Sola ice-tea and smelled it. As he guessed, he said it's alcohol. We all began to stand up, in a very cinematic manner, and looked at each other. It was rum and not mixed. It was pure rum.

People started calling the producers and our agent. We were all rather upset. I wanted to make it for the company volleyball practice at 7pm in Quezon City. But I guess it wasn't going to happen. Everyone was making a fuss as it was already and I didn't want anyone to think of me as difficult or a prima donna. I was late after all. So I just sat in one corner and read another story of Lakambini Sitoy.

The director was awakened by one of his crew and they proceeded to walk to the location. The crew member walked, the director staggered, flushed with blood-shot eyes.

Later, I was told that he got up to the location and fell asleep in front of the client. Suffice to say, the client was not at all pleased.

Our agent arrived and a lot of talk followed and we began to shoot at 8:15pm. It was the fastest shoot I was ever a part of, either as a talent or as a production person. I suppose we were trying to make up for lost time since there was no way the producers or the client was going to pay for another day of shooting. So shoot we did.

By 11:30pm, we were tired and a little surprised at how our day had turned and left to go home while others went out for a drink. On my way home, I was proud of myself for not having raised a stink and made a bad situation worse. I wanted to make the impression that I was a talent that was easy to work with and talk to. I know that I was late for 2 hours but my faux pas was overshadowed by the behaviour of the director. Of course, the producers do remember that I was 30 minutes early on the Saturday shoot.

I left that shoot having re-read one of my favourite poets and a good volume of poetry, re-connected with some people via text messaging, made some new friends and learned a lot about being professional. It wasn't just the pay-check anymore. I was able to bring something with me that I could bring with me in every job that follows. In a way, it wasn't a wasted day after all...

And that's the important thing now, isn't it?

posted by wanggo @ 6:04 PM 2 comments

slipping into new skin

Lamb from 'Til the Clouds Clear (written by Lou Rhodes and Andy Barlow)
And a storm brews inside and there's nowhere to hide
It's gonna blow your cover sky high
If you let this thing go, it's gonna burn, it's gonna burn
You're gonna take the whole world with you when you go

I've been doing my whining thing again. Looks like everything is back to normal with me. I'm back to the way I was approximately a year ago. A little joyous, whiny (hopefully to a funny degree) and not so moody.

It's been a rough 3 weeks. But it's over now. It's time to start anew.

I'm out of the forest and I'm no longer Lost in Transition and I am adjusting to the view from my new set of eyes; adjusting to the reality that I now perceive with my new state of mind. It's kind of exciting and thrilling.

I'm reminded of a song from Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim. It's the song of Little Red Ridinghood after she comes out of the wolf's mouth. She sings: I know things now many valuable things that I hadn't known before, they were off my path so I never had cared, I had been so careful I never did dare, and it made me feel excited, well, excited and scared.

Or something like that. And we have to cherish these moments of illumination because there is that unseen trap of falling back to old ways after 2 months or so. I remember my Mom enrolling me in all these classes offered by her Hermitage. I took classes on Loving Relationships, Clairvoyance and Reiki healing. And sure, they affected me and I always ended up crying and learning so much about myself. I would make these declarations that I've changed and for the next two months, the changes were apparent.

And then, I'd slowly start to return to my old ways. It was so simple and easy and I was totally oblivious. As much as I'd been affected by those classes; you'd always revert back to what comes naturally. After all, you were told about the fire and how much it burns. It is a whole different thing to actually feel the heat and burn.

I've changed a lot in a year and I'm still changing and learning things everyday. So I might not become as famous as I want to be. I might not become as important as I want to be. But right now, I think there is nothing wrong with my life. I have friends and family who loves me and I love as much, I've got work and I'm part of society, I am a contributing factor in this society and I'm growing as a person -- gaining new experiences and using them to my betterment.

Right now, it's enough. It's enough.

posted by wanggo @ 6:10 PM 1 comments

Good for Something

as texted to me by my Dad
Being loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone gives you courage

I don't know why, but I went through Indulgences again and tried to see what was going on my mind these past few days/weeks. After all, I was really fucked up but it's out of my system now. And I remember the pain but I can't recall how much it hurt. I know the cause but, from where I am standing now, with all that I know, it seems strange to even have felt that pain at all. It's almost as if, with maturity, with the gain of knowledge, we look back at ourselves and end up thinking so lowly of ourselves. How stupid of me to think that! or What was I thinking?!?! You look back and think that if only you knew what you know now, so much pain could have been spared.

But then again, you never reach that point without getting hurt. It's almost as if wisdom only comes from pain.

I went through some of the old stuff that I've written. Almost 2 or 3 years ago, I came into another situation similar to the ones that I've been wracked with recently. Someone used me and even if there were no promises made, I made it mean more than what it apparently was. My own desire and need for this person created a reality that was not, in any way close to the actual reality of the situation. In the end, I felt used, abused and hurt. The person walked away without batting an eye-lid; without care. I really thought it meant something; or worse, that I could make it mean something. Of course, it would have been a totally different story otherwise if I had succeeded.

I wrote something then. It wasn't a poem. Maybe it is a song. But I can't put a melody to it. Maybe someone could. But I wrote something about the situation. Here it is.

Good For Something

Two nights have come and gone with me home alone
It's just another ordinary morning without you
It's good to know you're not depressed (anymore)
But I've lost all hope on knowing what is true

But at least I know I'm good for something
The other night I proved I was good at something

The hours can be counted on the glasses I have drunk
Rum cokes, gin or brandy; scotch if I've run out
Anything to keep me going while the moon's still up
Liquid fire is good company in these moments of doubt

I thought I was your refuge where you come to rest
But you no longer have a weary heart tonight
But this world is dark and cold and hurt's around the door
And in that time I'll know I'm good for something
That's the time I know I'm good for something

I'm just 10 minutes away but we're miles apart
I just sit here waiting to heal your (sad/damaged) heart
If I'm the one you'll run to when you end with nothing,
Then at least I know I'll be good at something

Don't we all feel this way at some point in our lives? Well, I know martyrs and masochists and people who have that messianic complex that believes they could save everyone that comes their way. I have that complex. And I guess that situation was really appropriate for my character. In the creation of fantasies and dreams, I wrote 11 poems about waiting and hoping and making so much out of nothing. They were good poems.

They were all, also, unfortunately deleted when my Mom re-formatted her computer. I was able to save 3 or 4 of them. But I lost the rest. That was painful. That was even more painful than the actual situation; all because the memory lingers but I was able to make something out of it, something I could use and then the product was lost. So now, all I have is the memory. I don't even have what came out of it.

Well, except for the 3 or 4 I was able to save and this thing, this almost-song. I'll hold on to it. After what I've been through since then, this is enough for me. I'm happy with it.

posted by wanggo @ 3:19 AM 1 comments

Random Musing 04.05.05

Grant Morrison from Arkham Asylum
Later, I find myself sobbing, choking, retching into the lavatory bowl. Is this what it all comes down to -- all our dreams and hopes and aspirations? Nothing but vomit? Oh God, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. I think I may be ill.

I woke up after a ten hour sleep. My body feels broken. I walk with a limp and I banged up my knee yesterday and it's hard to bend it. Right now, my head is in a daze and I am walking around like a zombie. There's a pain at the base of my back, right at the spine and it's really painful. I have a difficulty stretching or bending.

I was given this gift certificate for a spa/massage treatment to this place and I was saving it for the appropriate time. I think I'm passing up volleyball training tomorrow so that I can just relax my body. Maybe I've been pushing myself too much. I can't help it. I enjoy the game so much. I guess I just have to do more stretching before. Maybe the stretching I do isn't enough.

Slowly, things have started to look up. Is retrograde on its way out? Is Mercury going back to its original position in the stars? Because right now, I'd like to have a break from all this struggle and effort.

I've pretty much given up being random. Or, to be more exact, I'm going to be random but I'm not going to make such a big effort on it. Forget making all the tenets and rules on being random. Forget making it my mantra and just do what comes naturally. Just live in the moment, which is practically what being random is. I was going through all that pain and shit and I needed something to focus on, some new mindset to help me out of it. But after the insight I gained two days ago, I pretty much found some level of peace and I don't need to work so hard on forgetting. I can be myself. Much of the pain has abated. I feel like I'm back to normal levels.

One day at a time. That's all it really takes. To not jump too far ahead and not to walk so slowly. And you'll get there. You'll get somewhere.

posted by wanggo @ 7:45 PM 1 comments

confessions of a drama queen

From Before Sunrise (written by Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke)
I believe that if there's any kind of God, it wouldn't be in any of us... Not you or me... But just this little space in-between. If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone; sharing something. -- Celine

Sometimes, the river has to run its course. Sometimes, the rain must fall. Sometimes, the clouds cover the night sky and there is no light; only darkness. Sometimes, everything just doesn't seem right.

But there is always something to learn from all this. Already, I feel a great weight has lifted from my shoulders and I can smile easily. I don't really make a big thing about it. I don't ask why anymore. Sometimes, things fall apart.

But sometimes, they stay intact. Sometimes, the sun shines and dries up the puddles left behind the rain. Sometimes, a cool breeze passes to fan our faces. Sometimes, everything just comes together.

I'm the kind of person who is constantly in thought and I'm always confused in that state. So what do I do? I articulate how I feel. And sure, I get the monicker of being a drama queen. People always says I whine a lot and complain. But it's my way of getting it out of my system and dealing with it. Sometimes, drama helps you realise certain things, because once something is said, it's out there. It's part of reality and you have to deal with it.

For me, oftentimes, I talk and talk and then realise that what's coming out of my mouth is exactly what I feel. I didn't even intend to say those things; I realise things during articulation. Instinctively, what I've been feeling takes form through words. If I can't say these things out loud, I go nuts. It's only through expression, articulation that I get to reach some level of enlightenment. Because if left alone to think of these things on my own, I'd never reach a level of insight. Insight never comes to me alone. It only comes to me during a conversation; when I am trying to explain something to some one else.

So, yes, I do believe in the power of drama. Afterall, isn't my blog just another avenue for me to go into full drama mode? Haven't I been so dramatic enough? Sometimes, I don't want to burn off the ears of friends and family so I put my thoughts here. So I can read what I said again and figure things out from there. I need things to be tangible. I studied poetry and creative writing since I was 15. Abstract things can take so many different meanings.

After all, I believe everything is one. There are enough similarities and differences in everything that you can find some level of connection. That's what poetry is about, after all.

Of course, I draw a line when someone uses drama for the sake of. That's tiring. And if it continues on and on and never ends it becomes problematic; it becomes annoying. I try my best to keep myself in check. But I need my moments under the spotlight. I need to articulate and I apologise that it comes out as whining and complaining all the time. But I need it to get through it and to figure it out. And so yes, I indulge in my friend's and family's capacity for patience. I indulge in the feelings that tear me up inside. But I'm just trying to deal.

So, yes, we all go through our drama in our way and we all deal with things in our own way. There are so many sides to any situation.

Side-tracking: I trained for volleyball today. Tired and exhausted. After every training, I end up moving like an old man. My joints hurt and I grimace in pain when climbing stairs. I love it. I love sports. It's opens up a new dimension to me that I never thought was possible. It's amazing. I will indulge.

posted by wanggo @ 3:18 AM 0 comments