Indulgence

indulging

Poe from Walk the Walk (written by Poe and John O' Brien)
I want to walk to the beat of my own drum

I didn't realise how freeing it is to be back as a freelancer. I didn't realise how much I am indulging myself with whatever whims and fancies that I have. I quit because I needed to do new things, I was spent, burnt out from working on the same type of show for 2 years. I needed time to do things that I wanted to do, I needed time to return to the things that were closer to who I feel I am. And now, I do whatever I want. I answer to no one but myself. I go to sleep when I want and I do what I want. I am so free and I never realised that fact so much until today, when I had a day all to myself, zip gig done in the morning during Breakfast. I just slept the whole day and woke up at 5pm. I didn't need to be anywhere so I stayed home and recuperated. Zipping everyday kinda got to me and I was shocked on how tired my body was. I loved every minute of it, don't get me wrong, but I was abusing my body.

It is so nice to be in control of your own life. This is truly indulgence. I accept writing projects or refuse them (though I haven't done that yet!) and I look for things I want to do. I love zipping so I do everything that they ask and ask for what else I can do for them. I just enjoy it so much. I love my life and I can't imagine what got me to chain myself into a desk in advertising for 5 months or a regular job in La Salle for a year and a half? What was I thinking? But I must take note that I do enjoy teaching and I loved every minute of it. It's not a 9-5 thing but it does have fixed schedules, though.

I feel so bohemian, all of a sudden. Yes, there is no financial security that comes with this current state of affairs but I like it. It fits me more. I get the job offer, I do it, it's done and I get paid and that's it. End of story. I am indulging. I didn't realise it. And I am so much happier for it.
On a side note: love has a funny way of coming up and then disappearing and then coming up again at the weirdest places and moments. I find myself getting wrapped up over an idea of a person again and I don't like it. I can feel little pangs of obsession and infatuation making itself known and I don't want it. All of a sudden, this person is back in my life and I don't know how to deal and my natural instinct to try and put order into things, to try and rationalize things is making me crazy. I wish I could be more chaotic and just be more free-flowing. I wish my attitude towards my life and career can be adopted to my relationships with certain people. Certain people only. The person is swimming in my head. I should never have texted. I should never replied to the reply. I started something that is going to bite me in the ass later. I know it.

But that's what we do, right? Everyone wants love. Everybody, including me.

(picture of me, taken by Kage from our weekend at Caliraya, March 25-26, 2006)

posted by wanggo @ 2:41 AM 1 comments

freeing, flowing and going

Vladimir Nabokov
Our imagination flies. We are its shadown on the earth.

I've been out of the house this whole week performing for Planet Zips. I've been having a grand time, though not much time here at home or not much chance to update my blog as often. It's funny, but I remember, I've always been on the production side (maybe emcee?) or at the audience side of these performances. Now, so much later on in the game, do I find myself at the performer's holding area, waiting for our turn to go on stage to perform. It's an interesting side to see. In a way, now I know how my sister used to feel when she was still in a band.

As an emcee for events, which I used to do before, I would always be beside the stage, ready to step out to call on the next portion of the program. Or audience, well, that's really simple, seated at the audience area and just watching. Now, in the past 2 weeks, I've been to rehearsals and waiting at the holding area. A term I do not like, actually. Holding area. Why are we being held? What did we do wrong? Must the artist's be held? Why couldn't it be called a backstage or something. Performer's room? It has to be called a holding area. It makes us sound like wild monkeys!

Had a great gig at the Westin Philippine Plaza, zipping for the opening of Spirals, the new restaurant of The Philippine Plaza Hotel. We were dancing to Pinikpikan and they're really, really great! We had finished our portion but Pinikpikan still had to finish their set and we had all this kerosene, so we adlibbed, stood beside the band and continued on zipping and it looked like the audience were so impressed and happy. The organizers were happy, that was what was important to me. Pinikpikan's music is so cool to dance to.

Now, some guys, including me, will be performing at Tiesto tomorrow and then we've got a booth at the Manila Polo club on April 1 and 2 and will be joining the Levi's Freedom to Move Sports Camp on April 1 and 2, as well. Watch out for us!

posted by wanggo @ 6:11 PM 0 comments

everything is new again

Fiona Apple from Waltz (written by Fiona Apple)
If you don't have a song to sing, you're okay
You know how to get along humming
Mmmmm
If you don't have a date, celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn and do nothing
Cause it's just what you must do and nobody does it anymore

I'm having real trouble with my new phone. I'm back to using Nokia because it was the cheapest phone available. I've finished 2 projects already but I haven't gotten paid for them yet so I'm just here, waiting in the wings for the money and I've been supported by zipping gigs, can you imagine? I'm making more as a zipper than I am as a writer! I could make more as a writer, I'm sure, but since they don't pay on time, it doesn't really help much.

Just now, I got a regular writing gig for this magazine my friend is putting up which will be using my knowledge of my being a professor in the past so that's great. I have been wanting to write articles in a long time. So things are slowly turning to my favour again and that short batch of depression that was sinking in last week and the utter feeling of ineptitude was really just a phase bourne out of my disappointments with some promises that never came through.

I have to stop losing hope so quickly. Things are never as bad as they seem and as Vilma Santos once said in her show every cloud has a silver lightning. Now with wisdom like that, who can deny, right?

posted by wanggo @ 1:11 PM 1 comments

proud to have sun burn

Alanis Morissette from Thank You (written by Alanis Morissette and Glen Ballard)
Thank you, India
Thank you, terror
Thank you, disillusionment
Thank you, frailty
Thank you, consequence
Thank you, thank you, silence

I had the most amazing, most fantastic, most relaxing weekend ever. As mentioned, I went to Caliraya with Cat and company for a lazy weekend to celebrate her birthday. Lots of great food, great company and a lot of booze to just make the day really nice and comfortable.

There is this gorgeous lake where the water was so cool so after I charbroiled myself under the sun for my perfectly burnt coloured skin, I jumped into the water to cool down. It was amazing.

I read a couple of pages of my book, chatted a lot with Migui, Tals, Kage, Cat, Paolo, Gabe, Pam and the other people at the party. Lots of people, lots of booze, memory loss with names -- but I remember their faces fondly.

And my God! The food was just amazing. And there was so much to drink and the place was just so absolutely beautiful. With a lost phone, there was no one calling and texting and I didn't have to get in touch with anyone. It was wonderful, really. A true vacation. And every one I wanted to be with was pretty much there, anyway. Well, a lot of good people, so there was no need for other people, you know?

I just had a grand time. Thank you for that!

(all pictures taken by Kage in the weekend at Caliraya)

posted by wanggo @ 6:21 PM 1 comments

disconnected

Poe from Control (written by Darius Adkins, Poe and Toby Skard)
Why are you looking the other way
Why do you have your eyes closed
Why are you licking your lips
Because I was miserable

I went to a party where they actually brought sand from a white sand beach into the backyard and so it really had this beach/summer-y feel. We were invited as guests, me and my zipping friends, and we were asked to just zip for the fun of it. There was good music, the booze was flowing, there was sand beneath our feet and we were all told to dress our swankiest beach wear; so I was enjoying zipping away. I was in this half-pants/cut-offs type of things and a linen shirt (or was it cotton? I can never remember). I took off my slippers and began to zip. Migui eventually took out his pair of fire zips after we got a confirmation from the owner of the house that we can fire dance. So we did that too.

I had a grand time getting drunk and bonding with Lorraine, Migui, Tals and Kage, who arrived later. I got to see old friends -- Triccia and Aslie, Adrian and said hi to other good acquaintances. It was a great party, really.

Except when I returned to my zip bag where I had hidden my phone, my phone was gone. And guess what? Someone had opened Tals' bag and took her phone as well. That was shocking. That was absolutely shocking! No I don't have a phone. For the first time in my life, I lost a phone. It was careless of me to have just left it there but 1) I never thought someone would open a zip bag and 2) I didn't think anyone in that party would be the type. My carelessness, I guess. But it took me 6 years to finally lose my phone and it was fucked up anyway -- it would erase numbers on its own and stuff like that. I had been thinking about it for sometime now and now, I really do have reason to get a new phone. So I'm off shopping tomorrow for a new phone.

It's just the absolute hassle of losing all those numbers. I keep an excel file with people's phone numbers and I update it monthly or once every two months, that way, I'm never really lost without a phone -- but the truth of the matter is I haven't updated that phone list in, like, 7 months and the new numbers are my new contacts, my new network and my new clients. This sucks! That's a lot of phone numbers I have to get back, you know?

God! We really do end up putting our lives on our phones. It's hard to imagine getting in contact with anyone -- for business or pleasure without the phone. Unbelievable!

I went to Cat's house in Caliraya for the weekend, so I wasn't home and without a phone, it ended up becoming the perfect vacation. But that's a blog for tomorrow. I'm still in a lazy mood and I've got sun burn so I'm going to go to bed now. I just had to blog about this -- losing my phone in such a swanky setting. I'm finally starting to laugh about it.

posted by wanggo @ 10:37 PM 0 comments

shedding skin

Vanessa Carlton from Private Radio (written by Vanessa Carlton and Stephan Jenkins)
Find me out of my pillow
Cause I'm lyin' here but I'm ready good to go
And on a whim I leave this town
Or not I'll stay and chase the sun down
You can't deny me, you will oblige me, it's my melody

Couldn't take it anymore. After a whole year, I really had plans of changing the template of my blog but I didn't because I didn't want to have to do the links all over again and what if I chose the wrong one? And now, I've lost the tag that renders my text next to impossible to highlight. I can't even find that html tag that rendered my blog un-copy-and-paste-able. But I needed a change and here it is. Welcome to Indulgence version 2.3.

Well, I needed a change, so I got one. To hell with the html/java script tag or whatever! A change is necessary, so I took one. Let the devil-may-care attitude take me over. Maybe then the previous entry won't just be some day dream but an actual plan that I put to action, eh? That's the way to do it! Onward, ever onward, and never look back!

posted by wanggo @ 10:45 AM 2 comments

China Dreams

Bette Midler/Nina Simone from I Think It's Going to Rain Today (written by Randy Newman)
Human kindness is over-flowing
And I think it's going to rain today

My thoughts have been off to China for some reason, I don't know why. Lately, my most prevalent fantasy that I live in my daydreams involve my going to Shanghai or Beijing, getting a job teaching English and then learning Mandarin from them in return. Eventually, I end up taking my Masters there -- something in the Theatre or maybe Film, but I'm hoping more on Theatre. After spending 2 to 3 years there, where eventually, doing freelance jobs, hopefully, I end up getting connected enough to either produce an original play (written and directed) or write (and co-direct or co-produce) a television special involving Chinese-Filipino relations or culture using theatrical techniques with film and it's spectacular. It is a big hit and I come back to the Philippines as a very promising talent, ready to wow everyone here.

Maybe, in a developing city like Shanghai, I might even meet some interesting foreigner who I'll fall in love with and who'll fall in love with me. Two strangers, from different countries, both aliens in a gorgeous city filled with history and a promise of a great future. Now isn't that romantic?

I wouldn't stay longer than 3 years, though. I'd be terribly homesick after the first year or so, but hopefully, I'd be so deep into my Masters that to go back home would just ruin everything. Maybe a year or 2 will be spent re-acquainting myself back home and re-learning everything. Maybe I can fill my spare time making indie films and do other stuff as well -- write more literary things and just strengthen my growing resume and experience.

Then I'll be off to India next and then after a year of that, I'll try for a European country. England or France or Italy. Maybe visit Spain to figure out more about my roots.

Yeah, this is all my fantasy, in my head. I play these little games, go through the day-to-day of these scenarios. I don't know exactly if it is a good or a bad thing but in a way, it's like a plan; it's toughening up my soul and hopefully, one day, I'd just get on a plane and go for broke and hope to God that everything goes well -- maybe not the way I was thinking (because suprises are wonderful). As long as I learn things, becoming a better person and see the world and be a part of it -- then I'd be happy.

Maybe it's not a daydream but a plan. It would be just like me to make my plans in the forms of stories. I'm so screwed up that way!

posted by wanggo @ 8:21 AM 2 comments

mesmerized

Abra Moore from Taking Chances
I'm taking chances now (and I'm talking carelessly)
I'm walking backwards into the future
This world is getting too deep

Last night, my brother and I defeated the Iroquois civilization and we will be planning an all out war with the Celts. I don't want to attack such a large nation but geographically speaking, it is the most wise situation. Everyone else has little islands and are near each other. I can't afford an all-out war with so many opponents. Datu and I spent half an hour looking at the maps, checking the opponent and planning a strategy. One of these nights, we're going to war.

Yes, my brother and I got caught up with Civilization 3 Conquest. We chose the Rokugani people since we are such Legends of the 5 Rings freak. At our age, we still RPG, he's the player and I'm the story-teller. So, to pass the time one day, I started a game on my Dad's computer and we just got so caught up in it one time. I was practically mesmerized in front of the computer. Datu leaves me with all the building and domestic stuff -- I'm good at building and maintaining a civilization. Datu is the true war monger between us and he knows how to plan an attack. Without him, I wouldn't have been able to bring down the Iroquois.

Yes, yes, I know, I'm embarrassed. I'm completely taken by a computer game.

On other news, I'm also quite mesmerized with zipping. I have always enjoyed it but I've been doing some performances and been booked for more with Planet Zips and I'm so excited to perform. I don't really perform, so to speak, as in, making a sort of choreography or anything. I just zip free style in front of people and I just enjoy myself so much. It's fun. Once I begin and there's great music, I get mesmerized into the act. I really, really love it.

posted by wanggo @ 3:44 PM 0 comments

Pride and Prejudice

Kahlil Gibran
All you have shall some day be given; therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors.

I watched Pride and Prejudice last night and I was totally bawled over by how wonderfully charming and romantic the movie is. My Dad has been dying for us to see it and I just kept putting it off, insisting on waiting for Kristi who is really busy with work to watch it. Honestly, I didn't feel like watching another Jane Austen adaptation, especially when Pride and Prejudice had been done before. The original film, Sense and Sensibility, Emma and Jane Eyre I have all seen and they all somehow merge together and I forget which is which, really. So watching a new version of said film didn't really pique my interest.

Lo and behold! It is a marvelous film with fantastic acting, great script and very precise, very amazing direction! Very amazing direction! (Yes, it needed repeating) Kiera Knightley was fantastic and very much deserving of the award and Rosamund Pike was fantastic as Jane and Matthew Macfadyen was just a completely and utterly dreamy Mr. Darcy. But most of all, Donald Sutherland showed, once again, why he is another great actor who will surely be a legend. Sure, he has appeared in some off movies and he was never really a lead, but he is still a fantastic actor. I remember him most strongly in Six Degrees of Separation where he was just a fantastic Mr. Kitridge. Over all, it must've been the most delightful of movies of 2005.

I was sweating, actually, and it was a very, very cold and windy night. The scenes were intense and passionate and extremely romantic. I felt very much what Lizzie Bennet must've felt everytime Mr. Darcy showed up. As of the moment, I very much relate to Lizzie Bennet and Mr. Darcy. Like Lizzie, there is a level of desperation and longing for that wonderful romance to come to my life and much like Mr. Darcy, I feel that there is very little this world has to offer me in terms of a suitable match. I know, I know, 8 billion people in the world and how could there be no suitable person for me... But I want to have that sense of passion and versimilitude that the Austen-written couple had. I want that energy to be there when I see that person and I want our meetings to be a battle of wits and strength. I want a partner that is my equal. I want to be challenged. And no one challenges me. And much like Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen, I want someone extremely gorgeous, as well as a person who can match my passion and my soul and someone who dares to challenge me.

I act like a realist a lot of times but in truth, deep down inside, I'm a romantic. I'm a hopeless, God-damned romantic. And I want that kilig factor to be rushing through my skin and bones. I want to feel that thrill; I want to carry that secret smile on my face. Yes, I'm feeling the pangs of loneliness and I'm willing to admit it. But like Lizzie Bennet, I'm not going to settle for just anyone -- for the first person to come along and promise to make everything better. I want the real thing now. I want the real thing.

posted by wanggo @ 3:11 PM 5 comments

Free Flow Go

Coco Chanel
Elegance is refusal.

Yesterday was just an absolutely wonderful day for me. I kinda woke up later than I wanted to. But it was okay, apparently, and I rushed to the Rockwell Vintage Bazaar to help out the Planetzips booth there. I was just zipping around near the booth to let people know exactly what zips were and to try to get them to want to buy one. A lot of the zips people were there so it was fun to just get to hang with them.

Later, we did a performance up on stage -- Cat, Lorraine, Kage, Tals, Paulino and I and a lot of people watched. That was kind of cool, except I kinda got my zips tangled while I was on the center, so that kinda sucked.

What was nice, though, was Berna and Anne showed up to do some shopping and they ended up buying me belated birthday presents -- those sweethearts! Anne got me a Team Manila t-shirt which I've always wanted. I think their designs are way cool. Berna got me slippers from Charcoal which are really nice and classy. Those 2 are horrendously sweet.

Afterwards, Kage, Lorraine and I rushed off to Ateneo to attend the Ateneo Grad Ball where we were going to be zipping away with the Hairy Dogs. The Hairy Dogs are these really, super-cool group of percussionists and drummers and they do this freestyle drumming thing and we were just zipping away to their beats. It was amazing. We kinda marched to the size of 2 basketball courts to the main dance floor and we just continued zipping away for about 15 minutes, though Kage said it was approximately about 7 minutes. I didn't care, I was having mucho-grande fun!

Our first set was at 7:30pm and our next set was at 10:30pm so Kage, Lorraine and I decided to step out first and get a drink to help pass the time and just talk. It was fun. We were laughing away and just enjoying each other's company greatly. It was a riot!

We got back and winded down a bit by reading. Then we jumped back into the dance floor to do about 15 minutes of straight zipping with the Hairy Dogs again and that was immensely fun. It was intense fast drum beats and I was really getting into it. It was a grand time for us. I wish I could get a photo of the performance from someone.

Afterwards, I went home to shower and change so that I could fly off to Bel-Air to meet up with Chinkee, Matt, Lelei and Marc at their house and catch up. I was the only one who made it, apparently, since no one else was there. Tita Offie and Tito Benny were still up so that was cool. I said hello and we talked a bit before they went to sleep and it was just Chinkee, Matt and I left. We just talked and Matt kept filling my glass with more rum cokes so I was a goner by 3am. I got home just to faint right in front of my bed, thankfully.

Fantastic day, really. Super-ultra-fantastic day.

posted by wanggo @ 1:42 PM 1 comments

Swallowed up with Happiness

Goldfrapp from Hairy Trees (written by Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory)
Smiling all day long
You give me this love

Went to Makati for a meeting and when it ended at 4:00pm, I texted Berna and Anne and asked to meet up with them since I haven't heard or seen them in ages. I got to Greenbelt at around 4pm and I was just walking and I forgot it was a Friday. There were so many people and then it just struck me that I haven't really been in Greenbelt in, like, forever! Berna and I got coffee in Starbucks and donuts from Go-Nuts Donuts. We talked and talked and caught up until Anne arrived at around 6:30 where we decided to eat at Kitchen.

We were making a semi-scene from laughing so hard and getting all excited just talking with each other. People were looking at us with amusement. I guess it was pretty obvious that we were really good friends who have not seen each other in a long time. Either that, or people just thought we were obnoxious fiends who didn't care that we were just too loud. I tried to stop myself but I forgot how wonderful it was to be with these 2 girls and I was just swallowed up with happiness.

We went to Uva after to have a pitcher of Zombie, my new favourite drink of choice but Anne left after her first glass as she had work to finish and Berna and I were left to finish the pitcher. Suffice to say, I got drunk. Ha Ha Ha I was already drunk at 9pm and I decided I have to go home. I walked Berna to Greenbelt 1 were she was watching a movie with her mom and then I walked all the way to the MRT to get a ride home. I was watching the people at Greenbelt. It was so weird, to think that I used to go there 3 or 4 times a week several years ago. Now, I walk around and feel like it's an unfamiliar place.

How time does fly, eh?

(picture of Berna and me taken at Kalye Juan at December, 2005 after the NMI Christmas party. Greenbelt picture taken yesterday with my phone.)

posted by wanggo @ 11:47 AM 2 comments

summer is coming

Kris Kristofferson
Freedom is just another word for "nothing left to lose."

Went out today which was nice. I got to go out and feel the hot sun on my face, back and toes (I was wearing slippers). I went to the bank to deposit my Dad's check into the bank and then I encashed mine because I really need the money. I'm so bleeding-assed poor! And then, in my wonderings, I found a dump of a barber shop/salon that would do my corn-rows for one-third the price I had it done in the salon I went to. The place was literally a dump, the girl complained to me that she was getting weak from braiding my hair and they didn't have a chair that would make it comfortable for either of us but hey! For what I was paying, I didn't care. And what made it more sweet was that she did it well -- small and tight. Of course, my brother said the other one was better because it's more obvious but I like the smaller one -- it's neater and tighter so it feels more secure. I like it and it was cheaper, waaay much more cheaper than normal.

It's getting hotter, as the days progress moving ever closer to summer. I'm happy for that. I prefer the heat than to the cold. Less clothing, perspiring rather than shivering and more impetus to go to the beach. I miss the beach very, very muchly.

Writing projects coming slowly and no good CD to get at all at Tower Records. Notice that no matter how dirt poor I am, I'm still willing to starve and get a new CD. My sense of priorities is all fucked up! Ha Ha Ha

posted by wanggo @ 9:15 PM 2 comments

first random musings at 27

Arthur C Coxe
Flowers are words even a baby can understand.

These days have proven to be quite interesting. I'm still enjoying the waves of blissfulness from my trip to Bacolod and having seen my family. My birthday was filled with love and it was rather low-key. Datu cooked a kick-ass spaghetti and Datu and Kristi bought a cake for me. It was pretty low key but lovely and very personal and intimate.

Right now, I'm dirt poor. While I'm busy with a lot of work, none of them pays early. It's the problem with the industry, really. Especially for a writer, who works and submits their stuff before any part of the production starts and then, we wait for the production to begin, and then once the final output is given to client, it takes another month or 2 before they decide to pay. Can you imagine the producer and the writer who were working on the project before productions actually begins and they get paid 2 to 3 months after? It's so not fair. They already got what they wanted, they're already using the materials and yet it's still acceptable for them to take their time paying for the work. It's so not fair. But that's how the industry works and until I'm in a position to make things change -- I play by the rules.

Funny, I'm 27 now. Older by a year but everytime I get older ever since I hit 24, there seems to be a growing need to let go of the things that didn't work. It's becoming a more conscious effort -- like if I'm making a more conscious effort to be more mature. I think that's a good thing. I embrace it.

posted by wanggo @ 3:30 PM 2 comments

anniversary

Theodore Seuss Geisel
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

This is the anniversary of this blog. Yup, it's my birthday. I'm not going to party just `cause it's my birthday! Ha Ha Ha But seriously, I'm waiting for more details regarding one of the scripts I have to write and so I'm sort of working today. I'm thinking of staying in and spending time with Datu and Dad and Kristi, when she gets home from work.

I can only really remember ever having celebrated my birthday twice or thrice -- were I actually paid for drinks and food and invited people together. Usually, I don't have that much cash to go around and people end up partying for me. I've remembered several instances when my friends wanted to celebrate my birthday, so they invited me out and paid for drinks and dinner for me. It was the sweetest thing. Dad says it's because I was born in the year of the Sheep. I don't know. I'm just very happy to be with people who care about me that much.

I'm pretty happy. Life is good. I was at Bacolod last weekend and got to see my family that I don't see often. All my cousins from Bacolod were there and my brother Jubal and my sister Michelle. It was wonderful, all that talking and laughing and stuff. It was so lovely. I got to hang out with my sister and brother a lot, mostly.

I saw the family tree -- a big tree in my Grandmother's house. As children, we climbed on its branches but now we are all too big. If any of us try to, that tree will probably fall down, uprooted! Ha Ha Ha But we've always had our picture taken there, all the cousins. It's tradition. Hee Hee

Family is really very important to me, you know? So to have been able to go to Bacolod for the weekend was great. When I make more money, I plan to go to Bacolod once a month or once every two months. I'll take advantage of my freedom now that I have it.

Post Script
I do have plans of changing my template. I was going to change it today, but it would change all the extra specifications I've made and I'm scared that the protection tag that I put would disappear and I wouldn't know how to put it back! Ha Ha Ha So I'm delaying it first until I'm ready to try it again... But expect a radical change to the blog once I find out how to put all my specifications on html tags. Cheers!

posted by wanggo @ 1:33 PM 2 comments

Lost and Found

The Cardigans from Been It (written by Nina Persson and Peter Svensson)
Baby, I was your whore
Who could ask me for more?

I was sitting in the balcony area of theatre 1, I think, of Robinsons Galleria watching my first ever film being previewed, nay! being premiered. I was squirming in my seat, nervously biting my finger nails and tapping my foot in absolute tension. It ended and I couldn't be happier.

Puso 3, a trilogy of 3 short films funded by the GMA Artist Center as a graduation gift to the graduates of the GMA Artist Center acting workshop features short films directed by the workshop instructors -- my Dad Peque Gallaga, theatre legend Xoce Topacio and the young and very talented Rahyan Carlos. Rahyan wrote the two other films -- Siklo and Kulam and directed the latter. My Dad directed Lost and Found which I wrote. I've written tons of stuff for him but here it is, the first film that has both our names on it -- as writer and director. I'm extremely proud of it.

Of course, I was squirming in my seat because the film is the first in the trilogy and it's a comedy and after the first 5 minutes, there was still no laughter erupting from the audience. Did I fail as a writer? Was it only funny to me? What the hell was wrong? These questions disturbed my thoughts and I just wanted to die. But later on, I discovered that it was totally unexpected. Having been directed by my Father, people didn't know whether they were suppose to laugh or not, they felt they had to "respect" the material and were not expecting something completely left of center and off-beat and quirky. Finally, people began to loosen up at the latter part of our film and I relaxed. People liked it a lot and that's important to me.

I also forgot that I was an extra in the film, playing a character in a videoke when we ran out of extras and when I saw my face projected on-screen, enlarged, I just wanted the whole world to swallow me whole! I was so embarrassed. People commented on it and I had no idea how I was suppose to take it. I thanked them but left it at that. I really didn't know what to say and I was just really a quick referral for the character since we forgot to cast it at the start. It wasn't my film, in that regard, it was the graduates' film. I was just there to give them something to say, something to do and something to feel. I wrote this for them and it's their glory.

But I swear, the immense feeling of joy to see my name on that screen -- written by Wanggo Gallaga. Oh my God! I just wanted to stand up and shout "that's me!" It was just absolutely amazing. It was what I've been working so hard for these past 3 years. It's finally happened.

And to finally get to finish something with my Father. We've been wanting to work together for the past 4 years or so and we've done over 7 or 8 story-lines, 3 or 4 of them reaching full script form and it took us this small but very personal project to actual get it done. Wow! I'm both humbled and inspired by this experience.

So guys, if you have time, please go to Robinsons Galleria were they will be showing Puso 3 for a whole week. I don't know if you'll like it but I can promise you this -- it's honest work, it's was worked on with a lot of love and passion and if mine won't move you, I'm pretty sure the other two might make a dent.

posted by wanggo @ 1:20 AM 5 comments

getting busy

Mark Twain (on Eve, the 1st woman, mother and wife)
She made a paradise of Earth and made a home of Paradise.

Busy, busy, busy. So much work to do and I'm just going everywhere these days. Flying off to Bacolod tomorrow and tonight, we've got the premiere of Puso 3 where the short film I wrote and directed by my Father Lost and Found will be in. It's the first story.

I want to go to the beach, though. I miss it terribly but all this work is good for me, you know? And hopefully, it will all amount to something later on.

I finished the draft script of a live event I'm writing for yesterday and then my father and I watched 2 DVDs. We watched Mirrormask and Nanny McPhee. Mirrormask was beautiful to watch and sort of interesting in concepts but it failed in execution somehow. The pacing was so off -- it dragged in certain parts taking too much notice of the individual dialogue and the design of the world than it did with the story. So the film didn't flow naturally -- it would stop and start and stop again so it could "feature" the dialogue or the effects. It wasn't at all like Labyrinth or The Dark Crystal where the story would be moving constantly forward and things would come out along with it. It's beautiful and some of the effects were lovely but as a whole, in totality, it didn't work out as a film. It was too slow. Funny too, since Neil Gaiman is a wonderful story-teller but I never felt the rush or the intensity, not like American Gods or The Kindly Ones or Neverwhere.

Nanny McPhee was delightful and fun but there were moments that it sort of was pulled down by the Hollywood feel of it all. The colors were too bright, Mrs. Quickly should've been played by Miranda Richardson and the full animation of the donkey was just too much. They could've downplayed it more and brought up the mysticism and the magickal feel of it all. Emma Thompson's script was lovely, though and her Nanny McPhee itself was daring and bold. Good for her.

So it's back to meetings and writing for me while I prepare for the premiere tomorrow and leaving for Bacolod for the weekend. I can do without the rush but I'm pretty much happy and content.

(Pictures taken in March 1, 2006 on one of my more pleasant meetings -- first pic is Ben, Miguel and myself while I'm explaining my draft. Second pic is Ben, Miguel, myself, Ayeen and Brian laughing over some joke or something during the meeting.)

posted by wanggo @ 1:07 PM 0 comments

of friends, weddings and the jobs to come

texted by my Dad
There's no such thing as an enlightened person, only enlightenment.

Lelei and Marc's wedding was wonderful! I was quite close to the Clemente family, having spent a major part of 3 years with the three sisters and their family -- I have enjoyed their generosity, their kindness, their thoughtfulness and their love and to see them and be with them during this next step in their family dynamic was a wonderful thing for me. I haven't seen them in a long time -- my becoming a part of a company and some personal issues have distanced me away from this wonderful group of people. What is wonderful about them is that no matter how long it has been -- they never made me feel at all unwelcomed. Of course, there were a lot of things that I've missed out and things that I cannot connect with (apparently there is a new game they play called Gestures and there are names they mention whom I don't know of) but otherwise, other than the occasional biting joke about my absence, we have not changed how we feel about each other.

Real friends don't really go away, they're always there, waiting for the time to let things bloom again. As long as they don't expect things to be the way they were; that they allow each other to grow and change with time, everything is going to be fine. That's very comforting to me.

I've gotten 2 more projects as of today and I'm going to be busy for a while and that's a good thing because that means I'll be slowly rebuild my credibility and name in the industry and widen my network and contacts and know that I won't starve. In fact, there are a few people I have yet to re-establish my contact with for jobs but I'm not going to be greedy. I'll call them again when I'm not so busy anymore that way if they do have something for me, I can give them the attention the work deserves.

My life had dipped for a while and now things are going up again so I'm just going to bite my tongue and smile. Because life is really like a vase of flowers -- it's beautiful and lovely and brightens up a room until they wilt and die and then you start over. Replace them and let the new ones brighten your day. Sometimes they're roses, sometimes they're Malaysian mums, sometimes they're lilies but they all brighten up a room and they all will eventually wilt and die.

posted by wanggo @ 4:50 PM 0 comments

to hell and back

Nietzsche
Growth in wisdom may be exactly measured by decrease in bitterness.

If Nietzsche is right then I'm not very wise. Nope, not wise at all. I'm freelancing now and enjoying much of the "control" I have. All of a sudden, I had all the time in the world to catch up on my movie watching and reading -- time with myself and for my family. Of course, I started picking up as much projects as I could get, saying "yes" to whatever came, to establish networks and contacts and to become sort of reliable in the industry -- as someone you can run to if you need a writer.

Then I picked up this job that was just, to put mildly, like taking a Sunday stroll through hell. Suffice to say, it wasn't pleasant. Client was spoiled, arrogant and they were bullies. It was a rushed job with a small budget and they were still acting like they were all so high and mighty, when, they were so disorganized. They would send back the revised script with added stuff, things that were not in the briefing, to add on to the script. This was happening everyday for 4 days! Which means, they were rushing a project that they did not have the full details of and things were going to be worked on, on the fly. If I had known it was going to be like that, I would've charged more for my time and effort, you know? With the small budget that they were offering -- this was totally wrong and completely unprofessional. They should've said so in the briefing. What was agreed upon was that it was also going to be a 3-minute AVP which all of a sudden, 3 days later, was increased to 7-minute until it reached to 10 minutes because of all their add-ons! That was so unfair! There is a big difference between a 3-minute AVP and a 10-minute AVP.

At the same time, with their ever increasing demands, which were on the fly, not included in the briefing -- we were running out of manpower! So from just a writer -- I also ended up becoming P.A., co-director and sat in editing -- which I've never done as a writer, unless it was stipulated in the briefing, in which case, I would charge a little extra.

But this was just totally a big mess. I really wanted to cry but restrained myself from being attached to the whole thing -- did what I needed to do and the little extra and just walk away from this. It's over now, I hope and I just want to move on. I don't need this kind of pressure and tension in my life. Now that I'm a freelancer, I'm going to be a little more picky and choosy with the work that comes my way -- only take the jobs that are worth it. I can do more stuff in my free time and eventually make something that means more to me on a personal level than any of the stuff they ask me to do.

I was so out of it the past few days -- staying overnight at the editing place, dealing with calls from agency and stuff. I was so not in a good mood.

But it's over now; or it should be. I'm going to learn from this. No need to be so greedy. Pick and choose -- that's one of the advantages of being a freelancer. Take advantage of it!

posted by wanggo @ 1:58 PM 0 comments

Job's Sad Song (borrowed from Joni Mitchell)

Joni Mitchell from The Sire of Sorrow (Job's Sad Song) (written by Joni Mitchell)
Let me speak, let me spit out my bitterness --
Born of grief and nights without sleep and festering flesh
Do you have eyes?
Do you see like mankind sees?
Why have you soured and curdled me?
Oh you tireless watcher! What have I done to you?
That you make everything I dread and everything I fear come true?

I noticed the animosity in my entry and I just had to get out. So after washing dishes, part of my job here at home while we are without help, I went out to Quezon City and had my hair braided. I can't stand having to pony-tail, pig-tail, clip or put a hair band my hair here at home just to keep it from my face. Yes, yes, I know, it's my fault for growing my hair but I've come to like it and it makes my Dad happy. It's just that, at times, it gets annoying when it gets to my face, you know? So for 2 and a half hours, the attendants pulled at my hair and braided it and voila! The second time for this year, and it won't be the last, I've got corn rows! I was just lying down there as they worked on my head. It was kind of nice to just be away and be attended on.

I also did some groceries today. There are a lot of stuff we are lacking at home and I went off to buy them. Fun, fun, fun. I agree with Datu -- shopping for groceries is therapeutic. You get to release a lot of steam when you're there, trying to figure out what the house needs and filling it up. It certainly solves a lot of problems, solving problems of the home. I bought eggs, sugar, creamer, butter, salt, cooking oil, raisins and oatmeal. I bought some more canned goods, just in case, and for the hell of it, bought St. Ives acne control face thingie for myself.

And, if ever I find myself in the grocery, I buy flowers because I think it really brightens the room and its nice to have flowers at home. It really brings out an atmosphere of home. Back when we were living in the house in Lee Street, mom always asked Yaya Ope (our cook) to buy flowers for the house and there was always a vases filled with flowers and it always kept the room looking nice and fresh. Today, I bought some nice yellow and purple flowers and I love how Baby's Breath always fill up the empty spaces. I'm glad I did it. I'm not in such a sour mood anymore.

posted by wanggo @ 6:39 PM 3 comments

bitterness, acid and vitriol

Grace Murray Hopper
A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.

Maybe if you stayed home more while you were here you'd know what was going on with us. Over breakfast today, you asked me a question you had asked yesterday. If I had asked the question twice, you'd say I wasn't listening. You? You just forgot. You and your unbelievably uninformed comments. How do you know how I've been eating? We've had at the most, 2 meals together since you've been here.

Why did you include me in your reply e-mail to her regarding your defending the Virgin Mary in your theological debates? That has nothing to do with me. I don't need the reassurances of your faith nor do I need to be reassured regarding mine. I have no questions regarding what I believe in and if I do, I deal with them myself. Leave me out of your fanatical clinging to things beyond your ken.

All of a sudden you have control over my time? What are you doing on Monday, you ask me and if I say nothing's been scheduled all of sudden you can lay claim to it. Did it ever occur to you that I may have quit a regular job because there are days when I just want to sit down and write? I don't mean to be ungrateful, thank you for giving me a job and all, but I didn't become freelance to be at your beck and call. There are other things I want to do with my time. I was able to get my jobs for myself as well. I exchanged corporate commitments for random commitments with people I don't even know through you. I've exchanged lack of rest from a regular job to lack of rest from an overload of freelance. This is not what I had in mind.

You keep asking me to write for you and promise me this is it but nothing has formed. They are all still gaseous and without form. You chide me for my disinterest but don't even see that while you only have worked so hard to try to get the projects moving, I've busted my ass answering all the questions you've thrown and solved the problems regarding what needed doing. I've done my part more than 4 times before and only 1 out of 9 projects were realised. How can you chide me without guilt? Don't throw it at me. I've delivered, your hands have come empty all but 1 time.

These are all complaints on different people. A lot of them I love and care and respect much for and I'm much too much a coward on letting them know that this is how I feel. I feel overwhelmed. Once I have enough, I'm going on a vacation from them. I need it. I need to feel the sun on my face and hear the surf breaking by the shore. I need my summer hot and humid. I want to be barely dressed with a cold drink in my hand under the heat of the sun with great music in hearing distance. I need a beach. I need to get away from people who feel they can demand a sort of expectation from me for a while. I left a great place to work only to find myself with similar symptoms. I am not far away enough.

posted by wanggo @ 8:16 AM 0 comments

mid-flight

as texted to me by my Dad
If voting could really change things it would be illegal.

I'm having a lot of trouble with a client I'm working with now. Everything is rushed. This is the first time I've ever had to work on something where once the revisions arrive, they want me to send the revised copy 3 hours later. Then, when I send the revised script, they send me new stuff to add to the script which they just thought about at that moment -- so it's time to revise again. I've been working on this project since Tuesday, the day after I was hospitalized and I've undergone almost 8 revisions already. They're not paying me enough for that sort of shit. Bastard client!

Today, I was with my brother and while waiting, I looked at my arms and looked at Datu and told him, "Dats, we need to go to the beach." He said, "yeah, soon!" I've lost my colour since Boracay and we need to get out. After leaving NMI and then a rush of jobs, some not pushing through, some unexpected and others plodding along at their pace, my bro has been working non-stop since the year began. We both need a chance to lie down on a sandy beach and just breathe.

I've been seeing a lot of old friends recently and that's good, but I also miss my pals -- Jaypee is in Thailand for work but now that work is over, he's staying as the crew goes back to Manila and he goes exploring. I'm so envious. Maik, Anne and Berna are at work. Charles has school and I haven't heard from Japs in ages. I just hope that seeing each other doesn't lead to going to a club. But if they go, I don't have to. I just want to see them and experience their laughter again.

It's been a very weird week but I know I've made the right decision to take that leap across the chasm. I'm still in mid-flight but I've done enough running to ensure I can make it across. Now if only the chasm doesn't get wider during the jump, I'll be totally okay. Or as long as I don't lose my nerve, which is more probable than the chasm getting wider. Feel the wind on my face. I miss this feeling of flying. I wish that times were better that I may enjoy it more.
(picture of Berna and I taken December, 2005)

posted by wanggo @ 8:32 PM 0 comments

getting back to extraordinary

from Everwood
You wonder, reading Job, what went through his mind while everything he loved turned to dust. I like to think it was memories of things commonplace: wheat fields and rain and slippers, a broom in the corner, his flock in the yard, his children at the table giving thanks for it all.

Been beaten up pretty much the past 2 weeks. Loss of momentum, bad health, lost opportunities, loss of drive, that sort of thing. On my birthday month no less! Ah well. I've been eating solid foods lately, so I know I'm getting better and the immeasurable quantities of gargled bactidol is keeping my tonsils in check -- and while they might not be film scripts, I've got AVPs and events galore coming my way. I'm accepting them all at the moment. Hell, it's better than just sitting down and waiting for a movie offer to arrive. Sometimes, they never come.

Once again, I was in a meeting with like minds and talking about a project which really burns me up inside, in a good way. A chance to really get excited over something without any promise of financial compensation afterwards -- it's just a chance to work with very creative people and finding ways around the monetary road humps that are on the way. There is no promise for being paid back with this, so I can't be disappointed with that. Yet everyone involved is excited, passionate and willing to find the time to make it work and that fuels me, you know?

I'm taking all this work because I want to start wall-climbing again and I want to go to the beach, desperately. I want to travel a bit and see bits of the Philippines I haven't seen yet. Take advantage of my apparent freedom. I miss having the sand between my toes and the cold sea air whipping against my skin. I miss the feel of the sun scorching my back and a cold beer in my hand. I want to go to the beach again and feel like someone new.
(picture taken in Boracay New Year's day 2006, that's Joao, Tals and me. Paulino took the picture.)

posted by wanggo @ 11:34 AM 0 comments

no excuse

Morrie
Death ends a life, not a friendship.

Lance and DC visited me last night. They're really sweet. Lance almost thought of bringing food and then remembered what state I was in and decided against it. Sometimes time can keep people away while sometimes, time can't do a damned thing. Friends are friends and those things don't change. I guess as long as both of you are growing, you never really grow apart unless you both are growing radically in two different directions. But DC and Lance, I doubt, are going to be that way. What will always keep us together is our love and passion for the arts -- movies, music, books and stuff. We respect each other's opinions regarding the arts that it doesn't get in the way of things, I think. And hell, they're good people. That's so hard to find nowadays.

I've been able to fix my stomach a bit -- of course, since I haven't had anything to eat but Skyflakes and apples. Today, I've decided to try and eat more. I prepared a bowl of oatmeal and while I didn't put sugar or milk to avoid upsetting my stomach, it felt good to have something a little more substantial than Skyflakes and apples in my system. God! I would kill to have a banana right now. Bananas are really my favourite fruit in the world. There was none coming home from the hospital so I had to settle for apples. Unfortunately, apples aren't as filling as Bananas.

Despite being sick, a writer has no excuse for a dip in productivity. After all, they're home! What excuse can they give other than their computer breaking down. Unless of course, they are so badly off that they can't even get out of bed and can't think. Sometimes, the discomfort would get so bad that I can't concentrate -- but honestly, after so many years of writing these things I really can't give that excuse.

So despite everything, I'm still here, writing away AVP scripts and event scripts. It's what I do. And I'm glad for the work, honestly. It will pay the bills, put food on the table and pay for whatever future I'm going to have.

Well, my tonsils are now acting up so maybe that future won't be so far away, maybe just around the corner. My body is breaking down on me. Where can we get a replacement?

posted by wanggo @ 3:02 PM 0 comments