Indulgence

confidence

Rumi
Very little grows on jagged rock. Be ground. Be crumbled, so wildflowers will come up where you are. You've been stony for too many years. Try something different. Surrender.

I'm in Boracay. Had a wonderful Christmas with my family in Bacolod and, yesterday, took the land trip to the beach and am now enjoying the beautiful sunsets of this legendary beach.

Sad to say, this is not the Boracay of my wild days. It's different. It's changed. I only know 15% of it. Everything has changed dramatically. It's a place I have to get to know all over again.

And wonderful too that I'm here alone. I do my thing. I know people here so I can go to them and say "hi." But I do my thing. If I want to go here, I go here; if I want to go there, I go there.

I eat when I want and where I want with no problem. I can go swimming or zip in the beach or do whatever I want when I want to. My problem is, being someone who likes to please people, I'm always agreeing to everything my group wants to do. Back before, I always ended up being forced to do things. I would prefer to stay with these people but because my group wanted to be with these people, so I went there. That was my other Boracay trip, my second one here. The first was great because it was my first time, everything was great. The third time, I was with different people and I was working too. The second time, though, was very disagreeable. I had fun but I wasn't doing what I wanted to do.

And here I am, getting in touch with myself and learning to be very comfortable with my choices and with my actions. Learning to stretch my limits and to push myself to be more confident. If anything, confidence is what I need, especially to make it through the next year. Confidence is the temple to which the religion of my next year must be made. Confidence is going to be the beam that will support my success. Should I not have it, everything will crumble after.

So while I'm enjoying myself here, I'm also finding more and more within me. Finding the confidence and the joy and the ability to be more sure. If anything, it's not with others that you find what you need from life but from yourself.

We are all very capable. I think we have all been put in this world with the capacity to take care of ourselves. We don't need anything from anyone. We can work and earn our place in this world. And I'm enforcing that lesson here, in Boracay, alone. I feel great.

posted by wanggo @ 7:11 PM 1 comments

The Warmth of December

Elton John from Rocketman (written by Bernie Taupin and Elton John)
And I think it's going to be a long, long time
'Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
I'm a rocketman, burning out his fuse out there alone

I'm surrounded by people that I love. I am surrounded by people who love me. Christmas has come and I've never been happier. Good food, good company, good humour and lots and lots of loving.

I enjoy watching my nephews and nieces rip apart the wrapper from their gifts and their wide eyed faces at the sight of their new toys and books and clothes. I can now imagine what I must've been like every Christmas, opening presents and going nuts over excitement with my new toys.

I didn't get much this year, having opened my Manila-got gifts in Manila already. I only have one Bacolod-got gift and it was from my grandmother. It was a point of much laughter between my sister and I but I don't really mind. It's not about the gifts anymore, but being with people you really love and just drowning in their love. I was drowning in it and I was happy, taking in more and more.

I'm getting rest, finally and enjoying writing here. Going to Boracay soon and that's going to be fun. Merry Christmas, y'all. I hope you all get what you want because I know I did.

posted by wanggo @ 10:32 PM 0 comments

Merry Christmas

Alexander Pope
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

I'm enjoying the Christmas spirit. All of a sudden, I'm just filled with joy. I love it. I'm having a ball.

My family is in Bacolod and they're just waiting for me to arrive so that I can complete the circle. They text (or call) to let me know what has been forgotten and ask if I can bring it. Yes, it's true, I complain and whine a lot about it. It has made the last few days unbearably hectic and stressful, but deep down inside, I'm happy that I can do this for them. I'm happy that I'm juggling all of this -- family requests, things I have to do at work, things I am doing on the side and still trying my best to meet up with as many as my friends as I could during the Christmas rush. I'm happy that I can be of service to my family. They've been on my mind a lot, really, and I can't help but be happy that we are going to be together this Christmas. Again. And with extra numbers. The two new babies that came last year will be having their second Christmas, but really, it will be their first as conscious beings being 1 year old and all. How lovely. How utterly lovely!

I've been getting really wonderful presents from everyone and I feel so bad that I haven't been able to get anyone anything. I have been spending a lot of my time doing things for work, for the family and obligations. I've only been able to buy presents for my exchange gifts. That's it. I plan to make that up after the new year. Instead of giving Christmas gifts, I'd rather give them a gift in the new year with which to celebrate our love and friendship and cheering it on through the coming days.

We had the office Christmas party yesterday and it was a blast! I had so much fun, it was unbelievable. I didn't look like a goat, though. My horns came out looking like demented bunny ears (I said I was no craftsman!) and the faux fur that I pieced together made me look like a Shitzu that exploded. I'll post the pictures next year when I can compile them from the office. But who cares? I was not gunning for a prize. I was there to enjoy everyone's company and I did that somehow. I met a lot of my new co-workers and that's the important part and we were able to celebrate the ending of another year. Bring it on 2006. We're ready.

Once again, I danced the night away.

But now, I won't have to think of work until I get back. Bacolod first, Boracay next. Unwind, recharge, explode. At this point in time, life doesn't really get any better than this.

posted by wanggo @ 12:50 AM 0 comments

becoming a goat

Julian Fellowes
One of the freedoms of growing older is that one is no longer obliged to dislike someone simply because they dislike you.

Today, I woke up early (considering I was bleeding-assed drunk last night and danced for 2 hours straight) and went to the office before noon. I then bought the materials for my costume for the Christmas party. Our Christmas party at the office is always a costume party and our theme for this year is Disney characters. My original costume was to go as a Dalmatian.

Well, I really wanted to go as the 101 Dalmatians. I'd have 100 stuffed Dalmatian toys strung up together like a whole flock following me after, and I, dressed as a Dalmatian myself, fancied myself as a sort of Pongo (without a Feline, *sniff* *sniff*) (side note: Feline is the name of the lady Dalmatian, right?). Anyhow, it was going to cost me 110 pesos for 1 tiny Dalmatian stuff toy and for me to get 100 would mean I'd end up paying 11,000 pesos for my costume. It would have been a riot, but unfortunately, I'm not that rich. If I was loaded with cash, hell, I'd do it. I want to see the whole effect. I could always give the toys away to street kids or donate them to an orphanage or something after. But I don't have 11 grand just lying around, you know?

On the way down from Baguio, I got a call from my friend Berna. She's going as Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame so she told me I should go as her goat. Hence, buying white fox fur fabric and wire and black crepe paper, 2 and a half hours of this day was spent becoming a goat. I even have the goatee and all. Pictures to come when I get them. This is bound to be a blast.

Making the costume, I realised that I was never really good at crafts. It was never my specialty. I was never really good with my hands. I remember bringing all my materials to school and working on whatever it was we had to do -- lampshade, basket, shorts, whatever. I was never really good at it. They were bound to make me fail. So, three or four days to submission, I'd hand over whatever it was I made and gave it to my Yaya (Nanny) or my Dad's propsmen for the movie (who was staying with us). They salvaged whatever tragedy I had already begun and managed to submit something that got me a passing grade. I remember always leaving them instructions: please don't make it work, don't make it look good; it has to be believable that I made it! Ah, yes! The days of Home Economics and Handicrafts. I am so glad that is over.

I was never really good with my hands. Handicrafts of any kind? Forget it! I can't draw to save my life. I was never really good at shooting -- no matter how hard I aimed, I could never hit my mark. The only thing I was good at, when it came to my hands, is typing. I could type super fast. Like, really, super fast. Yeah! Hurrah. I could be a secretary. Or a stenographer.

I suppose my skills and talents really are more in abstract thinking -- telling stories and fabricating them. Yeah, pretty impractical talent, I must say. I think it's essential. We need our stories. We can't survive without it nor can we function properly in its absence. By nature, man is a story-telling creature. But nowadays, the telling of stories, be it fiction or through the media or whatever form it may take, requires a lot of skill and talent. But it's the only thing that comes easy to me.

So what other choices do I have?

posted by wanggo @ 6:01 PM 2 comments

4 days `til Christmas

Jeanette Winterson from Art and Lies
Protection always involves some sort of loss.

I've picked up Jeanette Winterson's Art and Lies to start off my reading. I'm hoping to bring it with me to the province that way I have something to read during any free time I'll find myself with. It's really well written and I've read 2 books by Jeanette Winterson already and I like her. She's fueled with passion. She's amazing.

It's 3 days before I leave for Bacolod and slowly, things are getting done. I just finished my last segment for the year so, right now, work is done and over. I can concentrate now on just the extra-curricular. I'm also excited. I just got my glow sticks which I can attach to my zips. It's going to look so good when I practise. I'm hoping to use it on Boracay -- the beach, night-time, party atmosphere and trance music -- it will be on full effect.

Watched King Kong by Peter Jackson. Good movie but about 30 minutes too long. The whole Jamie Bell character wasn't needed. If you remove him, nothing changes in the story. For someone who was able to condense The Lord of the Rings Trilogy into that gorgeous three-part film so well; how could he have gone a bit overboard with this? But I don't care. Kong himself was amazing and, of course, so was Naomi Watts. Fantastic actress. Completely under-rated and under-used. I can't wait to see her receive her Oscar.

Soon, it'll all be over. In a flash, just like that, the holiday season is over and we've got to start again in a new year. So let's remember to cherish every moment we've got starting now until the last second of 2005, okay? Cherish it and smile.

posted by wanggo @ 7:44 PM 1 comments

no more drama

Stephan Elliot
Assumption, dear Tick, is the mother of all fuck ups.

I've been whining and complaining a lot lately. It's in my blogs and all so I'm sort of wondering about my true state of mind. I'm sick of it. Here I am, telling people I feel the Christmas spirit but I'm beginning to sound like Ebenezer Scrooge. Gross! So I got to stop it now.

Yeah, sure, there are tons of stuff for me to do before I leave for Bacolod. Gotta get lots of stuff here and there, finish up my work so I can leave without a hitch, meet up with so-and-so before I end up not seeing them at all before the new year. But that comes with the territory. I've decided to grow up and so this is the responsibility that comes with it.

But I'm going to just take it like a grown-up, accept it as my fate and then just work around it. I'm putting some pictures of happy times; to be reminded of what's to come in the next couple of days. Fun is just around the corner. All it takes is the will to take the few steps required to get there.

(picture taken by someone (I think it was Daryl) with Nelz's camera during September of this year. This is the original TXTube mafia having fun; guilty parties from me (center top) clockwise -- Berna, Rica, Ivan, Pabsy, Nelz and Binky)

(during my birthday celebration in Greenbelt of 2005, Maik, Berna, Me and Anne picking on Charles. Picture taken by Ger on Berna's cam.)

(In Palawan, with Berna, Paolo, Pabsy and Rica. Sweating because of dancing to a whole set of Tropical Depression, drunk on San Miguel Pale Pilsen.)

posted by wanggo @ 5:09 PM 0 comments

on the top of the world

a text from my Dad
Wealth is no mark of cosmic favor. Poverty is no mark of divine judgment. They are, however, the two great tests of character.

I was on top of the world. On eye-level were the clouds. In the distance, I could see the South China Sea. It was wonderful. It was beautiful. The cold bit right down to the bones. I was wrapped up tight. I had a bonnet on my head, jacket around my body and very warm jogging pants and I was still freezing. And I could still see the clouds right before me. When sunset began, the sky (the patches of it not covered by clouds) burst into a magenta and purple colour. It was breath-taking. I think I died at that moment and was reborn instantly. I only lost approximately 3 seconds of time. But it was worth it.

I come back down with my right ear refusing to pop (from the air pressure) and a really bad cold. But that was okay. I had an experience that I would never forget. The start of something lasting and powerful.

The following day, I had my last zips class for the year and then I went to a marvelous party where I only knew 2 people. I had a lovely time and enjoyed myself silly. More on that some other time.

I was on top of the world and I died and was reborn. I saw the sky turn a bright magenta and the clouds were in front of me and beneath me. The world could be balanced with my two hands stretched out. And I lost that sense of divinity by choosing to make stupid decisions openly; with full realisation of what it is I'm doing. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I should've seen it coming but I didn't want to. I wanted to see the game played out until the very end and though I didn't lose much, I didn't come out the victor, either. I just have a really bad habit of allowing people to take advantage of me, of using me. It's not as bad as before; but it's still pretty bad, regardless of the degrees.

Here I am, always talking a tough talk about what I'm worth and I allow myself these stupid moments of weakness. I don't know why. It's almost as if I need to do something idiotic every once in a while. It's like I have a fucking quota or something.

And when you've been on the top of the world; it's a long way down to fall. I have managed to fling my arms and caught an outcropping with the barest of my fingertips and I'm hanging. I'm hanging.

posted by wanggo @ 3:27 PM 0 comments

The Mountain

Kate Bush from Moments of Pleasure (written by Kate Bush)
I think about us diving
Diving off a rock into another moment

I'm back from Baguio and I had the most interesting time. I got a really cheap hotel so I could stay the night and go all over the place on my own time and pace. I went shopping at the Ukay-ukay in the morning and went to the market in the afternoon. I visited my Tita Laida Lim and had a wonderful time. She's an excellent cook and a wonderful person. I also met her daughters Fifi and Padma and they are brought up with much culture and so it was wonderful talking with them. There is a very strong artistic community in Baguio and the children are sort of immersed in it.

I just did it. It was one of those things were I knew that if I didn't do it, I'd never forgive myself ever. So, in spur moment of strength, I said I was staying and then just got a hotel and stayed.

I called up an acquaintance and found out what to do and where to go at night and found myself drinking alone in the Greenbelt of Baguio. It's a U-shaped set of buildings just lined up with bars from the ground floor, basement and second floor. Greenbelt of Baguio it was and I was sitting alone, drinking my beer and freezing to death. I was freezing to absolute death in the cold but it was lovely. I got to see what the artist I spoke to that afternoon was talking about -- men in trench coats, layered clothes, scarves, gloves, the whole shebang! It was lovely.

I even got to see the view from the Tam-awan village. At the peak, you could see the South China Sea if the clouds let up. That high up in the mountain, we were on the level of the clouds. They were on my eye-level far off. It was breath-taking.

It was so much bigger than me and yet, there I was, a part of it; beholding it. That must've been significant in some ways or other. I'm still breathless. I'm still over-whelmed. More when I can get to focus. I've just come down from the mountain and I've been changed.

posted by wanggo @ 12:15 AM 0 comments

Session Road

Dorianne Laux from This Close
What I want
I simply reach out and take, no delicacy now,
The dark human bread I eat by the handful
By greedy handful.

I haven't been to Baguio in almost a year; no, scratch that, in over a year. The last time I was there was for work also. I was working on a segment for the show TXTube and I featured our lovely, lovely host Cathy Bordalba shopping at the Ukay-ukay. I was able to buy a really cool bag which I love. I use it for work all the time and everyone mentions how cool it looks. I tell them it only cost me P120 and they all go nuts. Ukay-ukay in Baguio, I tell them. They give me a sly smile; like I really know my stuff.

Now I find myself in the busy streets of Session Road, having slept (and snored) throughout the whole trip up (poor crew!) and I'm amazed at the mass of people. A local told me that the fashionistas of Manila are nothing compared to the people of Baguio, especially during the really cold moments. Here, they have actual fashion varieties -- scarves, trench coats, fur; the cold weather is perfect for it. It is true. The home of the original Ukay-ukay, everyone here is within reach for really nice, inexpensive clothes. All you have to do is have a sense of style to match it.

The cold weather is biting. I'm a little freaked out about it. I was never one to deal with the cold weather well but hey! I love it. I'm done with what I have to do here with work so I've paid for a hotel room and now I'm going to go solo. I've already agreed to meet my Tita for lunch tomorrow and I'm going to explore this world, on my own and with an open mind! I'm excited. This is something so not like me and this beats everything I've planned for myself. I've been wanting to do this and never had the guts to push through with it. I'm extremely happy now. I'm filled with excitement. Even if I don't end up doing much, I'm still going to have a blast for sure. This is it. I'm in Session Road.

posted by wanggo @ 8:57 PM 2 comments

i'll be coming round the mountain when it comes...

Thievery Corporation from Heaven's Gonna Burn Your Eyes (written by Emiliana Torrini, Eric Hilton and Rob Garza)
Are you afraid to live your life the way I see?
In my eyes, I'll catch you.
Would you like if I will always love you?
Do you mind if I always love you?

Heaven's gonna burn your eyes...

I'm leaving for Baguio in 2 hours. I'm kinda psyched about it. I'm second unit segment producer for this shoot for our segment Field Trip. I'm just suppose to do talking head interviews and shoot extra footage then, I can go down on the same day. The first unit will stay overnight and leave the next day.

I'm getting hit by this little urge to explore; to maybe stay the night on my own -- get a place for myself and just walk around Baguio and get lost or something. The whole idea just tickles me pink. My Tita who runs Cafe By the Ruins heard I was coming up; I had asked my Dad if she would be willing to have the restaurant featured in the show in exchange for feeding us. My Dad texted back telling me she's excited for my coming up and if I wanted, I could stay with them. When I texted her, all she said "I'll see you soon!" with a smiley face and I'm not sure what exactly that means. I could definitely afford to stay the night in some cheap appartelle but getting around might be difficult. I'm not sure exactly what the plan is; I'm going to play it by ear. If ever, I could always go down with the first unit crew. I'm sure there's going to be space in the van going down.

I took a picture of myself in the clothes I'm going up in. I hope I'm warm enough. It's December after all and the last thing I want is to freeze. I never could handle the cold very well.

I'll just think about ukay-ukay, buying strawberries and peanut brittle for my bro, and seeing whether I'm up for an adventure or not.

A little trip before the year ends, one week before Christmas and 2 weeks before the New Year. This is going to be fun.

posted by wanggo @ 2:59 AM 2 comments

taking stock of things to do

Slovo from Whisper (written by Dave Randall)
It seems that time has returned to me once more
But I have less now than before

Slowly, I'm getting things done. I've sorta-kinda screwed up my end of the year list but it did help me accomplish a lot. I am on my tenth book, having finished 9 books in the 3 months that I gave myself. I'm reading my last book -- The Life of Python (thanks for lending it to me Jaemark) so at least I know I'll finish one of the things in my list of year end goals.

I went on one date and that better than none. 1 out of 2 dates that I set out for myself is pretty good, right? I haven't made a new friend yet; but then there is always the holiday season. I'll be going to Boracay for New Year's Eve (which is one of my plans) and I might make a new friend there, right?

I've been dancing with fire during zips class, so that sort of takes care of that problem.

I've been writing a lot of film treatments and synopsis recently. I know that it doesn't count for the 2 short stories, 1 poem and 1 song that I set out for myself but then, there's still 3 weeks before the year ends. I might be able to sneak in 1 poem and 1 short story. I've got dozens brewing in my head and all I need is the time to do it.

Maybe the time is now, huh? I'll be having a week off, really and I'm going to take the opportunity to write as much as I can.

The year is ending and it couldn't be ending at a better note. I'm still a little down over my... well, problem that I can't talk about but soon, everything is going to be beter. It's a waiting out period that really needs patience and resilience. And I've said, time and time again, that I'm made of tougher stuff. I can do this. I can do this! I summon up the picture of me back in Halloween of 2004, taken by Anne. It's time to get the soldier pose up and get ready to take the last few days of this year by the horns and wrestle it to the ground. Start the new year right. Have no loose ends; have nothing left over to do. Let it all start from the beginning! I can do this!

posted by wanggo @ 8:23 PM 0 comments

shadows and light

Kate Bush from Nocturne (written by Kate Bush)
We long for just that something more

I took another picture of the sky today as I was rushing to the office to finish up my work. The clouds looks like they are going somewhere. The bright flash of sky makes it look like there is something in the horizon -- something magickal, something special. If I could, I'd walk on those clouds, use it as a road to somewhere hopeful and nice and wonderful.

Right now, I'm dealing with shadows, hoping to find out what's behind the light that makes the form. It's a silly thing to do, stupid, in fact, but what other choice do I have right now. I'm getting hit badly by these pangs of longing. I want things to change so drastically that I'm holding on to things that I cannot grasp. It's all this talk about things getting better. I'm not sure if they are; or I'm scared that I can't make it happen.

I'm tougher than this. I'm scared, I'm frightened and unsure. There are flicker of lights and I dare to come upon them and hope that they are brighter up close. Otherwise, I'll be lead astray again and that's just more time wasted.

I'm smarter than this. I'm wiser than this. I'm tougher than this. I have to keep reminding myself that so that it would come to be. Right now, I'm just very tired.

posted by wanggo @ 8:53 PM 1 comments

the little things that make everything okay

Max Lucado
Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free... and realizing that you were the prisoner!

Take a deep breath. It's all out, isn't it? Nothing really lasts for long that you don't hold on tightly to. Learn to let it go and everything will be fine.

A little walk in the drizzle, while holding on to your jacket tightly for warmth with one hand; the other hand smoking a cigarette lit with a brand new lighter. A 3-piece Oreo pack where you eat the cookie first and then the cream after. Getting an invite to play poker even when it's been a long while and you feel that you aren't part of anything anymore. Getting a text from someone you don't really know that well but the way things sound, you are someone worth getting to know more of. Good music blaring from the speakers. Having money in your wallet to get around, to buy little non-things that will get you by. The knowledge that the next day, you still have something to do and so there's a sense of purpose in your day-to-day. The knowledge that there's something to look forward to and the facts: Christmas in Bacolod with the whole family, New Year's in Boracay, astrology and numerology stating that next year will be better than the past 2 years. A plan to go to India that might actually be realised in the coming months.

These are little things, really, that reminds me that not everything is going to the dogs and that there is still some things that can make me smile, or at the very least, wipe the frown off my face. I thought I was done with all the drama but apparently, it has its ways of coming back. And old habits are hard to break. It's not that hard to smile, now, is it?

posted by wanggo @ 1:44 AM 1 comments

buzzing

Bob Dylan
Any day now, any way now, I shall be released.

The subscriber cannot be reached... (automated voice)

Wanggo, we're in the home stretch. I need you right now... (for screwing up)

Thanks for asking, so, how are you?

I wish I could be with you tonight but I can't.

Ei! Ei! You there? *DING* You're Yahoo is not updated! (my yahoo messenger at the office lags, sometimes, and people think I just left)

Would you like to be put in a different team?

Sorry. Got disconnected.

Why you still up?

The page cannot be found. (when I opened a webpage I needed to see)

He said you were in Singapore for work or something. What are you doing here?

I'm sorry, I don't know any Wanggo. Who are you?

Wangs, are you happy?

So, what are you having trouble with? How's work?

Well, shite happens. Sometimes you kick ass, sometimes you don't...

I've got a head ache. It's not the kind that can be healed by a pill or by rest. It's the kind that buzzes around the head because of things that are being said, sounds that you hear and how they make you feel. You do stupid things to feel numb. You do stupid things for no reason. You feel stupid.

My head hurts and there's a weight on my back and someone isn't answering the phone and there are questions I don't want to answer that are being asked. I'm taking everything too seriously. Everything is too serious and I can't snap out of it.

posted by wanggo @ 6:33 PM 0 comments

a difficult day

William Faulkner
If the past were truly past, there would be no grief or sorrow.

Difficult day. I met up with my Dad earlier today and we talked about concepts for a project we plan on doing together. It was very pleasant. I'm lacking sleep because, as my previous entry stated, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. Now, I'm running on empty and I'm waiting for the delivery service to bring the food in. I'm going to eat like a pig; or, well, I plan to.

The whole day was spent waiting for the power to return. These black outs kept hitting our office and without power, we couldn't get any work done. The heat enervated us all and we were all listless, lethargic and not in the mood. I spent a lot of time thinking, making calls and ensuring my vacation will be okay. There was very little else to do.

It was a rough day. I called up some people; just to talk to someone non-judgemental and maybe even non-committal to me that way instead of feeling sad for me or concerned, it would be just non-judgement. It was nice to have someone to call. There's that phrase again, it was nice. A very dangerous phrase. Cholo knows what that phrase means. I can already see him smiling and saying to me, Wanggo, get your head out of the clouds and get to work! Ha Ha Ha

It was a difficult day. I felt every second tick and tock. I want to eat, watch the pilot episode of Etheria on GMA 7 and maybe close my eyes and take a nap. That would be nice.

posted by wanggo @ 7:49 PM 0 comments

tilting my head back and laughing

Dolly Parton
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.

Had a pretty good weekend. Saturday was my sister-in-laws birthday and so we had a celebration here for her. Lots of laughs and good friends and family passed by and I was drunk by 11pm. I zipped, danced to reggae and some hard house (courtesy of my bro; not me) and ate a whole lot of chips. Saturday afternoon was horrible. Time was wasted but I didn't really fight it like I could've or should've. So I wasn't able to get my glowsticks which I will attach to my zips so I can start doing some funky light moves. Wish me luck on that endeavour. I got to reading Valis again, though and that was a good thing because right at that time, while waiting, the book picked up (I had put it down and had a hard time picking it up again) and boy did it pick up! It's a good book and shame on me to think that Philip K. Dick would disappoint me. He has yet to and I will never doubt his writing again. Good, good book. Now, Jaemark lent me The Life of Python which is a biography of one of my favourite comedy troupes, Monty Python. I'll be ending the year with laughter, it seems.

The wedding on Sunday was for a family friend and I ended up driving for my Dad and Mom in a Barong Tagalog, no less. I was wearing my grandfather's barong and it's very vintage, very classy and I got so many compliments for it. One lady thought I was her dad from a distance because he has a barong just like it. It is made of a certain style. It's pretty amazing. I was kind of shocked on its effect on people. The wedding was different; very non-traditional and the food was excellent. Since my Dad and Mom were principal sponsors, I sat outside and joined a group of people who were nice enough to accommodate me; otherwise, I would've sat alone in a table looking very off and awkward. I could handle it, honestly, but I would've been a sore spot in people's eyes.

I slept early (11pm is early for me already) because I have to be up early and I woke up all of a sudden at 1am and now I can't get back to sleep. One of life's cruel jokes, I guess. I'm smiling, though. I have nothing to fear. The year is ending and though I might not have a lot to show for it, I've gotten through it with a lot of laughter and not as much tears as last year. An astrology website that is on the dot and a very good numerologist said that I've been struggling for the past 2-3 years and now, things will change. Everything will be on its way up. I'm ready to reap. It's harvest time. So I close my eyes, tilt my head back and laugh.

If you can't laugh at yourself, you might as well be as good as dead.
(picture taken by Jay Abello in August 2003)

posted by wanggo @ 2:06 AM 0 comments

a charger is such a small price to pay

Anatole France
The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one that will last forever.

I woke up and had lunch with my brother. Then, I was answering some of my cell phone messages when I realised I was already at low batt. So I started looking for my cell phone charger. It wasn't in my bag. I looked around my room; it wasn't in my room. I called the office and asked one of my officemates to check my area to see if it was there and it wasn't there. My cell phone charger was gone.

I couldn't go to the office without it so I went to Greenhills with my brother to buy a new cell phone charger. We also ended up looking at other cell phone models and he started getting me interested in buying a new cell phone. I was looking at all the new models greedily. I so badly want a new one. This one is breaking up on me. Everything was affordable by credit card. The store accepts credit card. I am not using my credit card. It's not within my plans. I wanted to cry. I could've bought one and enjoyed the pleasures of a new cell phone. But no, it's not the time.

I probably lost my cell phone in the movie. I went to watch a movie with a good friend. We watched In Her Shoes and I loved the movie. Toni Collette is fantastic. I cried, as usual and laughed, as usual. It was such a great film and it made me want to call up my brother. I'm very close to my family. The movie is about family and how one needs to learn to let go of things, aspects of their life that doesn't work; to try on different shoes and be the best that you can be as a person. It's also knowing what you have to get rid of in your life and what you have to keep. Beautiful, beautiful movie. It was so good, I probably didn't notice my cell phone charger falling out of my bag.

Or maybe it was when I had a few drinks at Tianammen. I love the smoking section at Tianammen; sitting on the floor on comfortable pillows in their booths with their moody, cinematic lighting and chill-out music, good food and drinks. My bag was just there, by the pillows, it could've fallen out. I did get quite drunk. I was with good company.

Or maybe it was when I went to Government after. I did have another drink and left my bag on a chair when I went to dance. I even went and zipped on the empty dance floor (it was already 3:30 in the morning) and my charger probably fell out when I pulled out my zips from my bag and I didn't notice because it was dark and my charger is black and I was nervous of having to zip in public and the fact that I was also a little drunk. I did pretty okay. Someone cheered and 3 people asked me where they could learn to do that. I told them about planetzips and they were interested in taking classes. Hope they do. It might've been there.

So it could've been in any of those places and had I been more aware or careful, I probably wouldn't have had to go to Greenhills today and buy a new charger. But then, I was having a good time and I think a charger is worth losing for the great time I had last night. And I enjoyed the drive to Greenhills with my brother. It was all laughs and we hardly get to do that these days, you know?

So yeah, a charger is such a small price to pay for all of that...

posted by wanggo @ 5:34 PM 1 comments

the body motion

Ellen Burstyn
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.

After work, Berna and I went to Jaypee's place for dinner to celebrate his birthday. Happy birthday, Jayps! Then after, we went to Government where they were celebrating Blow; one Wednesday every month, a special party is held in Government to celebrate all the birthday celebrants of that month. Berna was one of the celebrants.

With friends from the office, friends from Government and friends from before, I drank and I danced. DJ Brit was really good. Powerful house music that pumped the heart and sent the blood rushing throughout my system. I gave my all. Within the first 40 minutes, I had already perspired beyond recognition. As a friend told me, 2 hours later, you look like a mess. I did but did I care? The endorphins were rushing so fast into my system that I was just in pure, absolute bliss. 3 people had asked me if I was on something. I said I wasn't. You're not? they asked me again. No, I'm not. They replied, Wow!

Yeah, I dance like a madman. Once the music is in my body, that's it. I'm some mean dancing machine. I haven't danced like that in a long time. It had come to a point that I was breathing so hard, I felt like my chest was going to explode.

I have to do that at least once a month.

(picture of Jayps and Me taken sometime 2004 by Jayps on his phone)

posted by wanggo @ 5:02 PM 0 comments

This is how the day began...

Wild Colonials from Girl (written by Angela McLuskey, Scott Rowe, Shark and Paul Cantaleon)
Don't think I'm blind because I close my eyes.

I visited friends as the dawn was beginning. After a few laughs, I stepped out into the balcony. I was suppose to light a cigarette and instead found someone in my arms; honestly, I was having the bad morning, I was expecting it to be the other way around. There was a kiss and then there was a pushing away. There was a pushing away. Get the point?

I go home and the sun is out and everyone is beginning their day. I'm just ending mine. I take a shower and as I lay down on my bed, my Mom wakes up and she goes to the bathroom to shower. She is going to begin her day. I'm just ending mine.

I close my eyes and instead of sleeping, I think of what the day is going to be like. I don't really fall asleep but rather escape somewhere else. It's a weird dream that seemed so real despite it's disjointedness of reality. My uncle who has passed away was there and he was at his most charming, at his sweetest. My brother in the States was with us without his family. He was at his most charming, at his sweetest. We were in a beach wonderland and everything was for free and there was no one else in the beautiful resort but us. My sister, who is in Bacolod was with us; so was her dead dog Bijou, the dachsund who thought it was human.

I woke up 4 hours after I was suppose to. No, I didn't wake up; I came back from that other place. I was filled with the broken pieces of what's inside me. Everything within is shattered, or at least feels that way. I walk and the sharp ends rip my skin from the inside. This is internal bleeding. I get to the office really late. There is much to do. I am not there when the bombs drop. I am not there when they fall. There is much to do.

There is always so much to do. This is how the day began; this is also how mine ended.

posted by wanggo @ 8:43 PM 1 comments

they dropped the bomb

Poe from Amazed (written by Poe and John O'Brien)
There's no easy answer, it's true
You change the equation I add up to
And all of the things that I thought I knew
You turn it around

It was an okay day at work, you know? The one where nothing is really rushed and everything is coming easy. I could stop to watch a whole episode of Encantadia without fear that someone is waiting for me to finish something. It was that kind of day where someone asked me for something and it was ready.

I then went to join the group for poker since it's been a long time since I played poker and after a few beers too many, a lot of food and money being passed around to the person with the best hand; someone accidentally dropped the bomb.

Whoop! Bam! Boom!*

I asked a question to confirm the words that were put together that created an idea that was less than favorable. In fact, the idea that those words formed, when put together in that way and in the context to what we were talking about, were just plain malevolent. It brought about a wave of emotions within me that wanted me to burst into many tiny sharp objects hurting everyone in the room (even though I loved everyone in that room; it was only that they were present). Surprisingly, despite the beer flowing wonderfully in my veins, I was able to keep my calm. I was able to keep my composure. I asked the question. It was confirmed. A comment had passed that the bomb dropped prematurely. I was to know later in the day. I wanted to lose my head. I was asked to not react until the bomb is officially dropped. I agreed and I won't say anything or do anything other than this entry. I got to get it off my chest somehow.

I've always been arrogant about the fact that I always end up knowing things I'm not suppose to know. For one reason or another, I always end up knowing some sort of secret. Someone always tells me or something happens that I get the information. I don't know why but it always happens. This is one of those things, I'm thinking. I mean, after all, I'm suppose to find out later today; I found out a whole lot of hours later. When someone I cared about and who I thought cared about me was cheating on me, I found out 2 weeks before the clear set evidence appeared. I was way beyond ready and prepared to deal with the issue at hand.

The bomb dropped. My head is bleeding but I can't begin to mend the wound yet. After all, I'm not yet suppose to know.

* Woop! Bam! Boom! is taken from the Kate Bush song Song of Solomon; written by Kate Bush

posted by wanggo @ 4:00 AM 0 comments

celebrations

Alicia Keys from Every Little Bit Hurts (written by Ed Cobb)
I can't go on giving my life away

I just got my ticket today. It's pretty pricey but I'm glad that it's in my hands and that I'll be on a flight to Bacolod on the morning of the 24th. I haven't flown Philippine Airlines in a long while. I always take the cheaper flights -- either Cebu Pacific or Air Philippines. I think the last time I took a PAL flight was last year when the Cory Quirino Show got sponsored to fly to Shanghai by PAL. Before that, I don't remember anymore. As long as the plane takes off and lands in one piece; I'm not very particular about my flights. Whether it's a 2-hour flight or a 40-minute flight, I don't really care, I just want it to end right away. (picture taken by Yciar in Aio's Wedding, November 2005; my brother Jubal and I goofing off, pretending we were pissed off at each other.)

But all of a sudden, I'm thinking of the little Christmas parties that are going to be littered all over the weeks ahead. Already, my nights are getting eaten up by Christmas celebrations. I've even found time for a wedding somewhere between now and Christmas. I've got semi-reunions/Christmas parties on the way and things like that. It's sweet. Fun times are ahead. (picture taken by someone during the GMA NMI Christmas party in 2004. I was so drunk then, I thought I knew how to play the tambourine! I think Kage is drunk in the pic as well.)

I woke up this morning and it was really chilly; compared to the humidity of yesterday. Christmas is really making itself felt this year, huh? It's as if I am being told I have no excuse to frown anymore until the new year comes. You know what? I just might oblige the universe with that.

Big smile now. I'm ready for my close-up.

posted by wanggo @ 6:02 PM 0 comments

Looking Back (as a means of going forward)

Seneca
For fame the opinion of one is not enough.

Hannah Arendt
... Although it is enough for friendship or for love.

I'm drunk. I had no idea it's already past 2 AM. Berna and I decided we wanted to eat out rather than just have food delivered or eat at the cafeteria of the network, like the usual day so we decided to finish all our work before we leave the office for some food.

I didn't realise that we left the office past 10pm and that when we arrived at Tia Maria's, it was already almost 11pm. We ordered food (very good too) and we had 2 pitchers of Margaritas joined by Binky. But pretty much, we had 1 whole pitcher to ourselves before Binky arrived. The mix was done well. I hardly tasted the Tequila, which I don't like and so I kept drinking it like Ice Tea. At one point, I recognised the feeling -- I was inebriated.

So yeah, I'm drunk and lo and behold! It's past 2am.

I've started to think about how much Berna has bloomed in the two years that I've known her. She's become my closest friend and that despite how we see each other almost everyday, we don't tire of each other. It's great.

I also ended up thinking of Bacolod; how I was there for my cousin's weddings and just goofing off and drinking every now and then or my marathon drinking sessions with my cousins when I go to the beach in Batangas -- rum coke in the morning, rum coke in the afternoon, rum coke before going to bed. I used to be a drinker but my tolerance has gone down considering I've been drinking almost everyday since October or something like that. My tolerance is totally gone. Well, at least it makes things cheaper for me! Ha Ha Ha

But it's just wonderful how this year is ending. It started pretty weird; caught up in work and it was my whole life and I was closing a chapter in my life (2004 was such a monumental year for me) and things began to get... what? Boring? Is that the word? It was as if the time for goofing off and fooling around was over. I mean, it doesn't end, but it doesn't become the landmark of everything. Now, it has to be balanced with the responsibilities of what else comes with life. It's growing up time and I'm glad that I may have had a lot of complaints but I'll be ending this year smarter, wiser, with experiences that I can bring with me throughout my whole life. Last year will become 2 years ago and everything that it entails will just become just another closed chapter in my life.

I'm moving on and as my horoscope (and numerology) says, things are going to start becoming better for me. All of a sudden, there was a point for the drinking and the losing of the head and all the spinning around in place and whining and bitching and complaining. All of a sudden, everything is good and you lose the feeling of regret; because if you didn't make those mistakes, would you be as wise as you are now?

As texted to me by my Dad
Of all the things I've lost, its my mind I miss the most.

No, you can't lose your head. You're probably just too scared to pick it up from where you dropped it. It's a tall order but you can do it. Face it. Deal with it. Head on. No turning back. Just keep going forward.

(picture with Berna taken in Palawan by Rica (or Pabsy?); June 2005)
(picture of the cousins during Aio's wedding taken by Yciar in November 2005, Bacolod)
(picture of me, in elevator taken by yours truly with the phone, November 2005)

posted by wanggo @ 2:28 AM 0 comments

beyond my control

Jalaluddin Rumi
Wherever there is a ruin, there is a hope for treasure.

Sometimes, all the signs are there and all you have to do is follow `em to lead you to the proper conclusions. It's always my feeling that things will be different this time that forces me to ignore the signs no matter how in my face they are. In other words, I am usually screwed over by hope. I can be so dumb sometimes. Always hoping things would be different. Always hoping despite the obvious. I'm such a hopeless fool, what do you expect?

I'm trying to work out a quote; I probably heard it somewhere before but can't remember from where. I want to say something like, Sometimes we have to get lost so that we can find the right way again or something more like sometimes you don't know you're on the right road, there are no signs, you only know if you're on the right road once you get to where you're going.

Something like that. I'm getting lost somewhere. Gotten attached to people who have not earned what I found myself feeling for them.

To the one out of reach: I can only do so much. I can't feel anything for someone I have not met. You can't expect these things from me. I'm surprised I gave as much as I did for promising conversation. I guess I wanted it that bad. I guess I wanted you to be real. I thought you were something else; something different. Oops! My mistake. I can't keep waiting for you to meet me half-way. I'm tired of caring for something I cannot see or touch. You are asking for too much faith on my part. I gave as much as I could and then, you fell asleep. I waited. You never called or texted back. I'm just so fucking tired.

To the lost and lonely one: Everything is laid out; cards out open on the table, there's no point in playing cards now. I know what I am to you; I'm merely convenient, then so be it. I play my parts well when I know what they are and if I'm willing to play. So use me as you will; you earned that much with your tenderness. I'm not always sure exactly what I am to you so I'm just using the information I was given and taking it from there. But I'm not some pathetic little boy desperately feeding on scraps. I think I shouldn't make the first move anymore. You want me? You need me there? Let me know then. Work for it. I'm worth a little effort.

I was texting with Berna and I had asked her rhetorically, why can't I have an ordinary, simple relationship with people I like? She replied, Wanggo, we were not meant to lead ordinary lives. That put a smile on my face. It doesn't really make me feel any better; it doesn't really answer the question but it puts a smile on my face.

(picture taken in an internet cafe in Malate sometime March 2003)

posted by wanggo @ 3:06 AM 0 comments

this day has peaked early for me

Goldfrapp from Train (written by Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory)
Can't stop
Oh off the train

I had to step out of the office last night. I was up to my neck in things to do and write and think about that I just had to walk a bit and have some coffee and whatever, right? So I walked and ended up in this place called Coffee Overdose and while I was drinking my coffee, I got a text from Cebu Pacific saying that my booking can't be confirmed because the flight schedule was booked. I almost died. Really. My hair almost fell out of my head, my eyes almost popped out of my face and my bones almost turned to jelly. I would've been this disgusting mass of flesh lying on the floor of Coffee Overdose just spurting out tears in weird places. Thank God I kept everything together and called my brother. Datu has a friend who has a travel agency. They got me a morning flight to Bacolod on the 24th. Better than nothing, I guess. At least I'll be there for Christmas Eve dinner which is when my family really celebrates Christmas. That's the important thing. I still have a flight; I'll still be able to make it.

I woke up 10 minutes before I had to be somewhere; which meant I was pretty much 30 minutes late for that meeting. Thank God it was just close by. The meeting went wonderfully well. Had wonderful things to talk about and the communication was clear and ideas were just sprouting out like candy from the sky. It was sweet. Everything was working out great.

And then, I went to Glorietta to return the portfolio of a model we are featuring on our show. So I went to Glorietta to drop it off at her shop and then I decided to take a quick detour to Tower Records where, to my surprise, I found a copy of Goldfrapp's Black Cherry and Tanita Tikaram's Lovers in the City on sale. These 2 CDs I've been searching for and I got to buy them for a cheaper price than expected. I was exhilirated and happy. It was okay that Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine still hasn't arrived and neither has Cyndi Lauper's The Body Acoustic but that's okay. I can wait. I was just happy. I ended up buying 2 more CDs and while I was there, I saw an old friend Lance Salvosa. I haven't seen him for a long while and we parted ways on a weird note, I think. So we talked and caught up on lost time for a bit and then, walking towards the MRT to get to work, I met up with another old friend John Peria. We started talking and caught up on old times. It was so coincidental but it was like making me feel something. Nostalgia, maybe? I don't know. This is what I wanted; to see old friends and catch up and to remind myself that my world is much bigger than what it is. It was great to have that. I don't believe that the universe is trying to tell us things and that we make things out to be symbols for things we want it to mean; and I'm making these two chance meetings mean something: it's time to merge my past and my present and use them both to help me forge ahead and meet up with my future.

The day can't get any better and I've got a lot of work ahead so while things may not get any better, no matter how bad it gets, it's already served its purpose. So I'm thankful for that. Got a smile on my face. What more do I need?

posted by wanggo @ 4:36 PM 1 comments

Last Flight Out

William Blake
Better to murder an infant in its cradle than to nurse unacted desire.

Over cigarettes, my officemate Evan and I were talking about the Christmas season. We were talking about our trip back to the province and how we'll be cutting everything close with the Christmas party being scheduled at the 22nd forcing me to fly on the 23rd. It was then that I realised that I haven't booked my flight yet. So quickly, I rushed to the telephone and began making calls. To my dismay, Air Philippines was all booked out. If ever, I could fly on the 25th! Horrors! My family celebrates Christmas Eve dinners together. There's no way I'm missing out on that! Quickly I began calling Cebu Pacific and while I was on hold, an automated message began telling me I could book my flights by cellphone. As I heard that same automated message repeat for the 5th time, I decided to reach out for my phone and text. One text followed another and I got a flight on the 23rd; just in time. I'll be receiving my booking confirmation tomorrow and the moment I've got free time, I'll be off to pay for the ticket and have the corporeal form of my confirmation in my hands so I can sleep better at nights until I fly.

That was horrible and one mistake I will never do again. How could I have forgotten? That was so dumb of me. When the Air Philippines booking agent told me calmly that there were no more available seats on the 23rd or the 24th, I almost cried. It will not happen again.

Close call. That was a very close call. Thank God for technology! See? Sometimes, it does make a life better.

posted by wanggo @ 8:17 PM 0 comments